Accidentally All Of Me

by Parker, Ali

  “Raina!” she called to me, and she tossed her arms around my waist in a giant hug.

  I hugged her back, holding her close for a moment. It had only been a couple of days since I had seen her last, when we had taken her on that trip to the zoo, but it felt like it had been way too long for my liking. I had missed her. I had missed both of them.

  “Do you think you could help me with these bags?” I asked, pointing to the back of the car, and she reached over to grab some and ran them into the house.

  A moment later, Harry appeared in the doorway, and he grinned as he waved me over. “Good to see you,” he murmured, and he planted a kiss on my lips before Winnie could come back out and catch us in the act.

  I smiled and snuggled into him. I knew that cuddling up to him wasn’t the reason for my visit, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy it for a moment, right?

  “You too,” I agreed, and I tried my best not to let my mind drift back to that encounter that we had shared in the empty office in his building. I had been giving that a lot of thought lately, and judging by the look on his face, he was in the same boat.

  “I thought that Winnie and I could have a girl’s night tonight,” I suggested. “Maybe we could cook something up?”

  “And what did you have in mind?”

  “My mother’s chili recipe,” I replied. “If you think you can stomach it for another evening?”

  “I’m sure I could,” Harry agreed. “Winnie said she wanted to learn how to make it.”

  “And I’m more than happy to oblige,” I replied, just as Winnie headed back into the room. “You think you could manage helping me out with dinner, Win?”

  She nodded at once. “I saw all the groceries in the bags,” she replied excitedly. “Are we going to make that chili?”

  “I promised I would show you,” I reminded her. “Besides, I know you’re not going to learn much in the way of cooking from Harry here.”

  “Hey, I can cook!” he protested playfully.

  I waved a hand at him. “You can cook one thing,” I corrected him. “Let’s not overstate your talents, shall we?”

  Winnie giggled, and I took the rest of the bags from the car and into the kitchen so that we could unpack. I’d had no idea what cooking stuff Harry would have on him, so I had gone all out, even though I likely hadn’t needed to. I just wanted to be sure. Nothing wrong with that, was there?

  “Hey, you know I do actually keep some food in the house, don’t you?” He laughed as he saw me pulling all the stuff out of my bag.

  I grinned at him. “Better to be on the safe side, huh?” I pointed out, and I packed up the counter with everything that we were going to need to make this dish. “All right, could you get me a big pan? We’re going to need it to be huge to fit all these ingredients in there.”

  “I’m not sure I have anything that industrial sized,” Harry remarked, but he was just kidding. A moment later, he returned back with an enormous pan for us to use.

  “You know, Winnie, my mom used to get my brother Reed and I to cook this up with her,” I explained to Winnie. “And we both had short hair then, and we would run around the kitchen and try to get her to confuse the two of us so we could get out of helping.”

  “Really?” Winnie asked, her eyes wide. “But she couldn’t tell you apart?”

  “We’re twins,” I explained. “And I liked to keep my hair short when I was little, and so did my brother, and we got into all kinds of mischief letting people get the two of us mixed up.”

  “But you don’t look alike anymore, do you?” she asked. “People can tell the difference now?”

  “Well, maybe they can,” I joked. “Or maybe I’m actually Reed.”

  Winnie laughed, and Harry kissed me on the cheek as though testing the waters.

  “Nope,” he replied softly. “Certainly not Reed.”

  “You know, my sister and I, we always wished we were twins,” he remarked. “We thought it would be fun. Like, we would be able to read each other’s minds and stuff.”

  “Can twins do that?” Winnie asked, her eyes wide.

  I shook my head. “We can’t,” I replied regretfully. “But trust me. Everyone seems to think we have special powers.”

  “When the only power you really have is knowing how to make a damn good chili,” Harry cut in, and we all laughed again.

  God, this was so good. Just being around them like this. I felt like I could slip into this role so easily, too easily. I could get lost in here. I didn’t want it to end.

  Harry supervised Winnie as she cut up the vegetables, and we exchanged stories of growing up. Harry told us about Winnie’s mother, and Winnie listened quietly, intently taking in every word. I wondered how she felt about hearing this stuff about her mother. Did it hurt her? Pain her? Did it make her happy? She must have had such a complicated mess of feelings toward it, and I could see a bunch of them written all over her face.

  She was happy to help us cook and put all her time and energy into making sure the recipe was perfect. I let her taste test and add spices until she was happy with it. I wanted her to feel like she had control over this, like she had a say.

  When she laughed at her uncle’s stories of her mother, I felt such a swell of love for the two of them that I almost tipped over a glass of water. It was hard to believe that I’d had the capacity for this much love inside me all this time, and yet I had only just figured it out now. My heart was so full, so happy. Tink even came in to see what the smells were about, and he tried to trip us up, running around our feet.

  By the time we were ready to serve up, I was ravenous, and we all sat down around the table to eat together. This was what I wanted. I knew that for certain. I wanted this family time, and yes, I saw them as part of my family now. I never wanted to feel any differently than that.

  No matter what the next few months threw at all of us, I wanted them to know that I would be here. Whether it was to cook chili or walk Tink or just to be close to them when they needed it, I wasn’t going anywhere. I needed this laughter and this love around me. I needed it like I needed air.

  We finished dinner, and Harry insisted on cleaning up, since we had done the cooking together. Winnie and I portioned out what remained of the chili into tubs that they could freeze and keep for later. I wanted them to be fed. I wanted to take care of them, no matter what.

  I knew that this feeling was familial because I recognized it from the way I had felt when Reed had told me Lizzie had left him. That protective sureness, that unquestionable, unshakeable certainty that I would have done anything that life called for to look after them.

  When Harry was done, we headed to the living room where we put on some TV while Winnie did her homework. I was so tired after the long day I’d had that I could barely take in what was right in front of me, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I could feel Harry’s arm tucked tightly around me, holding me close, reminding me that no matter what happened, he would be here to make it right, to make me feel safe.

  I knew that I couldn’t risk getting too attached to all of this. God only knew how much of it was in flux right now. I could still remember vividly the sound of Harry’s strained voice as he had told me about everything that was happening. I was in a dangerous spot now, and I would have done well to remember it.

  I knew that he was feeling the same way, but I didn’t want to push him any further than he had already been pushed. He had been through so much lately, with everything that had happened with Nico and that woman, Allison. I couldn’t even imagine the sheer amount of stress that it must have applied to his life to try and function amidst this. And it wasn’t time for me to ask about the future. Not yet. Not when he himself likely hardly had a clue of what he wanted to do. What he would need to do, when the time came.

  Once it had started to get dark outside, I unwrapped myself from his arms and started gathering my stuff. Winnie had already headed off to get ready for bed, and Harry watched as I got ready to go.

/>   “You know you can stay, if you want,” he told me.

  I shook my head. “I know I can,” I told him gently. “But I should get back home. You guys need your time to yourselves. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

  He held out his hand to me, and I took it and allowed him to pull me back down beside him. I closed my eyes and let him wrap his arms around me.

  “You’re not doing a very good job at letting me leave,” I remarked, but I was hardly complaining.

  He brushed his lips over my temple and squeezed me in close. “I don’t think I’m ever going to be good at that,” he replied.

  I just sat there in his arms, knowing that I would have to leave soon but not wanting to break this sweet moment between us. So much had happened, and there was so much still to come, but in this moment, it could just be the two of us.

  And I would take any chance I could to savor the sweetness of being alone with him.

  Chapter 57

  Harry

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Yara asked, furrowing her brow at me worriedly.

  I shook my head. “I have to handle this by myself,” I replied, and I meant it. I was meeting Allison and Nico at the hospital, and I wanted to get this over with sooner rather than later. I knew that was a mean way to think about my kid and his mother, but I just couldn’t cope with anything else right now.

  “You’re still good to pick up Winnie, right?” I asked her as I handed her Tink’s leash.

  She nodded. “I feel like I haven’t had a chance to see her in ages,” she replied happily. “I’m looking forward to it.”

  She gave me a quick hug before I left for the hospital, and I tried to quell the pulsing nerves in my brain and keep myself on the straight and narrow. Now that I knew that I was officially a part of this kid’s life, I was going to have to come at this with openheartedness. He was my child, and I was his next of kin, and I was going to make damn sure he got the life he deserved.

  When I arrived at the hospital, I was led through to the children’s ward. It was covered in happy, glossy images of elephants on bicycles and other cute childhood murals, but somehow, they just felt all the more tragic in light of what I was walking in here to do.

  Hospitals didn’t hold many good memories for me. It had been in a hospital that I had heard the news about my sister, and it had crushed me on the spot. Everything in my body had felt like it was going to cave in, and even now, I could vividly remember what that had felt like.

  I headed down to the room that she was waiting for me inside, and I opened the door to find Allison sitting with Nico on her lap, reading him a story. They both looked up at me, and my heart ached for the two of them. They both just seemed so... so weak. As though even greeting me was more than they could handle.

  “Hey,” I greeted them both, and I sat down on the little chair that was next to the door. It was clearly made for a child, and I sank so low that I almost keeled over.

  Nico giggled at me, and I smiled and winked at him. I had known from the moment I saw him that he was my son, but now that it was official, my urge to get to know him, to bond with him in a deeper way, was even more intense.

  “Thanks for coming today,” Allison told me. She had dark rings around her eyes, but there was a smile on her face as she gazed at her son. Our son. I had to keep reminding myself of that. He was our son.

  “I just want to make sure that we deal with this all together now that we... now that we know,” I replied. “Did you get the notes from my lawyer?”

  “Yes, and I just wanted to say, you don’t have to worry about my medical bills.”

  “I already have them taken care of,” I replied firmly. “I want this to be as easy on all of us as possible.”

  “You have no idea how much of a help you’ve been already,” she told me, a smile passing over her face. “The doctors said that since they caught it early, there’s every chance that we should be able to take care of it before it spreads any farther.”

  “That’s amazing news,” I told her, and I meant it. I had seen first-hand the impact that losing a mother could have on a child, and I wouldn’t have wished it on any kid. Let alone my own. Let alone one who obviously adored his mother so very much and wasn’t even old enough to imagine a life without her yet.

  “As for Nico,” she said, and she bounced him on her knee and looked down at him with complete and utter love in her eyes. But that love was marred by a pain, the pain of knowing there was something wrong with him.

  “It’s something called biliary atresia,” she explained. “I think I’m pronouncing that right. It affects his liver, and he’ll be able to handle the side effects for a while, but the truth is, we’re probably looking down the barrel of at least a partial liver transplant at some point in the future.”

  She caught herself, and I saw a tear running down her cheek. She closed her eyes and gathered herself.

  “I’m so sorry,” I murmured.

  She shook her head. “I’m not crying about that,” she assured me. “I’ve done enough crying about that already. Trust me. I’m crying because... well, because you have no idea how much of a relief it is to have someone else here to go through it with me. I felt so alone, and then I thought of reaching out to you, and...”

  “I’m here,” I promised her. “For anything you need. Anything at all. You know that, right?”

  “I do,” she agreed. “It might take a little time for me to wrap my head around it, given how long I’ve done things by myself, but I know that.”

  “At least let me come along to all of Nico’s appointments,” I asked. “I want a chance to bond with him. And to be there for him as he’s going through all of this.”

  “Of course,” she agreed at once, and she checked her watch. “I actually have an appointment with the oncologist soon. You can come with me, if you want? Keep an eye on him?”

  “I’d love that,” I agreed.

  She smiled at me. She had a nice smile, warm, generous. It made me sad to think about all the time that she had spent doing this by herself. I wished I could have been there for her, just to take some of the load off. Well, that started now, and that was the important part.

  I went with her to the appointment, and I had to say, considering the disease that she was dealing with, everything seemed as positive as it could be. I played with Nico on the floor, with the building blocks they gave to us, and the two of us put together a giant wild-colored tower that almost reached my knees by the time we were done.

  I savored the chance to be with him, to have him be with me. I felt like I had missed out on so much, but that just meant I had to work extra hard to make sure that I proved myself as a father to him and to Allison.

  “Thank you for coming today,” Allison told me as she strapped Nico back into the stroller.

  “Anything you need,” I promised her. “Anything at all, and you just let me know, all right?”

  “I will,” she replied, and she let out a long breath. “You have no idea how much this means to me, Harry, really. I thought you might just shoot us down, but—”

  “I would never do that,” I replied fervently. “You’re my family now. I’m here for you.”

  She nodded, and I gave her a quick hug before she left. I didn’t want her to feel alone anymore. I knew all too well what it felt like to have to deal with all of this being thrown at you at once, when it felt like there was more than you would possibly be able to take on. I knew what it was like to feel like you were drowning under the sheer weight of it. And I didn’t want her to feel anything like that, not if I could help it, not on top of everything else that she was already having to bear the weight of.

  I drove home and left the radio off so I could have a little time to myself in silence. It had been a hell of a day. That was for sure. I knew that seeing them at the hospital was going to be tough, but I hadn’t been ready for the sheer weight of hearing about everything that was happening. All that pain, all that suffering,
and I could only stand by and hope that the chance came soon for me to help them.

  By the time I got home, all I wanted was a hug from Winnie and maybe a whiskey. But as soon as I got out of the car, I heard music playing, loud enough that I could make it out from the driveway. Was that the Backstreet Boys?

  I headed inside the house, and as soon as I opened the door, the music blasted with an almost deafening volume around me. I burst out laughing when I saw where it was coming from. Raina, Winnie, and Yara were all dancing around the living room. Tink was prancing about with them, and all of them were singing along to the lyrics that they all seemed to only half remember.

  “Hey, guys!” I called to them.

  Winnie glanced around and ran over to me. She gave me a tight hug, and I closed my eyes and held her tightly. After what I had seen today, I had never been more grateful that she was well and healthy and not going anywhere.

  “We made cupcakes!” Winnie exclaimed as Yara turned down the music. Her and Raina were laughing so hard, they seemed to hardly be able to stand up.

  “I don’t remember inviting you,” I teased Raina.

  She shook her head. “No, well, I didn’t expect to be over here,” she agreed. “But these two turned up at work and hijacked me for the evening. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all,” I replied, and I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

  Yara grabbed the tray of slightly misshapen cupcakes that they had clearly made themselves and thrust it in my direction.

  “Here, have one,” she said. “They’re still warm.”

  I did as I was told and took a bite. The frosting was still wet, dripping down my fingers, but I didn’t care. It was sweet and tasty and just what I needed to get me through the rest of the evening. God, I was so happy to be home.

  I couldn’t believe that this day was finally over and that I could go on with my life once more. Yes, I would still need to spend more time with Allison and our son, but for the most part, this was done with. Over. For now.

  “Turn that music back up,” I ordered Yara with a smile on my face. “You girls don’t get to have all the fun now, do you?”