Can't Let Her Go

by Georgia Le Carre

  I nod. I’m not familiar with these tactics, but I know the police lie and sometimes torture criminals in order to get them to confess. My second cousin was burnt with cigarettes all over his stomach when he didn’t give the right answers. In Russia, every criminal confesses sooner or later.

  Hunter then adds, “I promise you I won’t confess. You can believe me because in my business anyone who rats isn’t going to live long. Understand?”

  I nod again. Even though I should hate him and he’s taking me to a monster, for some weird reason I trust him.

  “Good. Now, get some sleep.” Hunter lies down and closes his eyes.

  I follow his example. Soon, the pills will work. I know sleep isn’t far away, but I hope I won’t dream of anything, definitely nothing about those two monsters lying dead in their own blood, inside their stinking house.

  Hunter

  After I’m sure she is sleeping I get up quietly and lock the door. I jam my shoe under the door for good measure. If I’m going to sleep, I’m going to sleep peacefully. I don’t want anyone wandering in. If someone wants to talk to us, they can knock. I settle down on my side of the car and I can’t help myself, my eyes wander over to her. I watch her sleeping. Even with the bruise on her face, she looks like a Princess. I have to swallow the lump in my throat when she mumbles something that sounds like Mama in her sleep. She’s so young. I think of Anakin and my hands immediately clench. I force myself to look away from her.

  I turn to the scenery flashing past the window. I let it hypnotize me. I stop thinking. I have a job to do for Anakin. I repeat that line until it stuns my mind. Until there’s nothing left in my head except that line.

  My eyes close. Sleep is welcome.

  I wake when my body notices a difference in the movement of the train. It is slowing. We’re coming into a station. Across from me Katya smiles a little, I guess that a big smile hurts her jaw. I hand her the bottle of pain pills. “Is this where we change trains?” I ask.

  She nods.

  “Luckily, we don’t have a lot.” I retrieve my shoe from the door and unlock it. “Got everything?”

  She nods.

  I put the remaining food in my pockets. We might need it later.

  She smooths her hair.

  “Have any idea how long a layover we have?”

  She shrugs. “The trains are almost never on time. If the train is there, fantastic. If not, you sit until it is there. We Russians are patient people.”

  When the train stops, we get off with most of the other passengers. We move with the crowd to another platform where the train to Moscow is actually waiting. I think that for the first time since we started this journey, luck is on our side. We will need that luck too.

  We find our cabin and settle in. Once again, we’re alone. That’s lucky too. I hand her a bottle of water, and she smiles. I would prefer talking to her, but perhaps it’s better that we don’t converse in English. People would remember that detail. If the police are after us, the fewer bread crumbs we leave the better.

  We find a kiosk that sells phone chargers and I buy one. Having a fully charged phone is a good thing. If I can find Wi-Fi, I’ll text Anakin. I don’t know if he’s worried about us or not. I won’t say anything about the Sherpa, or the other dead guys. I have to assume anything I put in a text will be read by people on both sides of the ocean. Thinking anything less could land us in prison.

  As we pull away from the station, I look out into the dark that’s arriving. This train is on a direct route to Moscow and perhaps in a day, we’ll be on a plane over the Atlantic. For the first time since we left the shelter, I feel like we have a decent chance of making it.

  I plug in my phone and hand her another bottle of water. Got to keep her hydrated. It’s many hours and many stops until Moscow and while I’d like to talk to her, I shouldn’t. Soon other people will join us and it is a good habit for us to be as inconspicuous as possible.

  I look out of the window and its pitch dark now. It reminds me that Russia isn’t like America. I guess much of the countryside remains unlit at night. The dark rushes past, along with anything that might capture my interest. There’s something beautiful about hurtling along in the blackness.

  At every stop, we pick up more passengers. The first person to invade our space is a tall, thin man with a full beard. He greets us in Russian and we nod. Neither of us speaks, and that clues in the guy. Katya moves to my side and The Beard takes her spot. If her cheek bothers him, it doesn’t show. Perhaps, he thinks it’s nothing more than a domestic spat or rough sex. If he had met the giant, he would know just how rough the sex was going to be.

  An old woman is next to join us. She carries a huge bag that she places between her feet, as if someone is going to steal it. She doesn’t greet us, and we accord her the same respect. The Beard has fallen asleep, or he’s faking it.

  Two students are next and they take both sides. They’re eating junk food and talking. They pay no attention to the rest of us. We don’t exist.

  Katya lays her head on my shoulder and goes to sleep. I stay awake. Trust is an earned thing and these people have not earned any. I look out the window into the dark.

  Suddenly, I’m alone with a thought just as dark as the night outside. When I get back to Detroit, Anakin will see the bruise. I quickly gloss over the part when he finds out Katya is no longer a virgin. I pretend I’ll have a chance to tell him about Dimitri and Vasili. I tell myself Anakin will get a kick out of that story as he has no love for his fellow Russians who stayed behind. The smart ones, like him, he is always fond of saying, left that shithole for America years ago.

  But another part of me knows these are fairytales.

  Neither Katya or me are going to get past her loss of virginity. Both of us are doomed, and yet I am too fucked up to change the direction of my fate. I’m like that dog that is beaten and kicked and abused by its owner and yet growls at anyone who tries to stop the torture or hurt his owner. I cannot stop myself from being loyal to him.

  The hours pass and a young woman joins our group. She’s pretty, but nowhere close to Katya’s beauty. She doesn’t smile when the students try to chat with her. They’re not in her class and they know it. She glances at me, then looks again. I guess I am a curiosity.

  Night turns into day.

  Katya and I silently eat the rest of our stash.

  The old man looks longingly at our food so I offer him a packet of chips. He takes it with a big grin. The old woman then suddenly cracks a toothless smile at me and I offer her one too. She takes it and smashes the chips on her gums.

  Eventually, there is an announcement and everyone gathers their things. We’re coming into Moscow, the end of this leg of my journey. I let the others clamber over each other in their rush to get out. Me and Katya are going to take our time. I’ve missed the original flight I had, but that’s fine. We simply have to get a ride to the airport. Once there, we’ll figure out where to go.

  The train stops. Everyone crowds the aisles. We wait until the crush passes, then we leave the train and enter the station, a large and busy place.

  “I have to use the toilet,” Katya says.

  “Me too,” I answer. I point to the big clock in the middle of the floor. “We’ll meet under the clock, got that?”

  Katya nods. “Under the clock.”

  I watch her move off before I move off myself. I’m closer than ever to getting free of this place, this country. I will be very glad when I’m on the plane.

  Katya

  Hunter has made it too easy for me. I know exactly where he will be when I come out of the toilets. He will be easy to avoid. In a way, I feel sorry for him. He will return to America without me. Anakin will no doubt be mean to him, but I can’t let that worry me. This is my chance to escape, to not end up in someone’s harem.

  And it’s not like I owe Hunter anything.

  Yes, he saved my life, but I saved his too. If I hadn’t cracked the big brute’s head open he’d be dead. We�
��ll leave it at that.

  I wish I had more money, but what I have will have to do until I can find a job. I rack my brain for someone I can contact. I know of one girl from my town who moved to Moscow. With any luck, I’ll be able to find her and perhaps have a bed for a night or two.

  I slip out of the toilets and quickly make my way toward the exit farthest from the clock. I don’t have a lot of time. As soon as he figures out I’m not coming out of the toilet, he’ll start a search. By then, it will be far too late. I’ll have become part of the teeming millions of Moscow. I’ll be invisible. Finding me in Sutgot was easy. Finding me in Moscow will be a nightmare. I don’t look back.

  But I’m not smiling as I reach the exit. I feel as if my heart has been torn out of my body. I feel as if I’m bleeding out.

  Hunter

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w7OgIMMRc4

  (Sweet Child Of Mine)

  I watch her leave the toilets.

  I watch her glance at the clock before she turns for the exit.

  I could stop her. I should stop her. If I go back without her, Anakin will probably kill me. He doesn’t accept failure. I’ll make up some excuse and say she was just too smart for me. Maybe, he’ll accept that. I doubt it. Even if he does, he won’t trust me anymore. But the truth is things have changed. I don’t want to take her to Anakin. The thought of him putting his vile hands on her makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what happened to all those virgins and it bothers me that I’ve never once seen any of them.

  There is a pain inside me worse than any beating Anakin has given me as I walk back to the clock to wait. I have to put on a good show. I have to wait a reasonable time before I go hunting for her. I’ll send a message to Anakin, because to just show up without her would be suicide. If he tells me to keep looking for a day or two, I’ll keep pretending to look.

  If he tells me to come home, maybe I’ll fly to Boston instead of Detroit. I can last a while in Boston or New York. Or maybe I’ll just go home. I’m a pathetic piece of shit and the best thing I can do is let Anakin put me out of my misery.

  People rush past as I stare into nothing. She wasn’t mine. She was never mine. I could never have had her. It’s better this way. My life is shit, anyway. I could never have given her what she deserved. She deserves to be treated like a Princess.

  “Here you are,” a voice says from behind me.

  For a second I freeze. It cannot be. It just cannot be. Then I turn around slowly, my shock impossible to hide.

  She pushes some kind of food into my hand wrapped up in wax paper.

  “It’s a blini,” she adds. “It’s good, very good.”

  I look at the blini in my hand and then at her. She smiles that beautiful, angelic smile of hers, and I just can’t believe she’s done this. Why did she come back? Why didn’t she just keep going? I know for sure she wasn’t slipping out to get some food for me. I could tell by the way she hurried that she was running away. And it’s what I would have done too. Why did she come back to face a fate worse than death?

  Was it for me?

  I look down at the food and then back at her. No one, no one has ever done such a thing for me. Cared enough for me to put my interest before their own. I’m stunned, speechless and bewildered. She makes it seem like nothing, but it touches me. It’s something a good person does. And it changes everything. Every fucking thing.

  “Eat,” she urges with a laugh. “Eat.”

  And something inside me melts. It’s the jagged pieces of ice inside my heart. Suddenly, I’m warm in a way I’ve never been before. She gave up her freedom, maybe her life for me.

  I take a bite of the blini. She’s right. It’s good. It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. Through one of the glass windows the sun shines through.

  Life is beautiful. More beautiful than I ever suspected.

  Katya

  I’m not one hundred percent sure why I came back. My head said I should keep on going, that it would be an utterly stupid move to go back, that I should find a new life in Moscow, but my heart, my poor, stupid, young heart wouldn’t let me take one more step away from him. My heart only remembered all the white scars on his body. So many and some of them so deep. They’re everywhere. On his back, on his thighs, his arms, his chest. There is even one on his penis. I could feel the thick, raised skin against my tongue when I took him into my mouth.

  I know without being told that Anakin is responsible for all of them.

  As a child, I was hit only once by my father, and even then he came and sat on my bed that night and apologized for losing his temper. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of childhood Hunter must have had. I feel angry for what happened and I know Anakin will hurt him badly if I run away while I’m under Hunter’s care, therefore I will go with him to America, but once he has passed me over to Anakin, I will do what I did to the big brute back in the farmhouse if I have to. I will kill Anakin. I know now I’m able to kill any man who threatens my survival.

  But I will never be the reason Anakin gets to hurt Hunter again. Even if he doesn’t want me, he is my man and I’ll protect what is mine.

  Hunter looks into my eyes, and there is something different about him. It’s like his eyes are shining with something, but I don’t know what. I just know I feel goosebumps all over my skin. It’s crazy, wild and amazing, but I dare not hope.

  He has disappointed me before.

  “I will make you a promise,” he says in a shaking voice. “Anakin will not hurt you. I’ll see to that and if he cuts off your parents, I’ll make the payments.”

  I smile at him. “You promise?”

  “I promise.” He leans closer, intimately close. “I will not let anyone hurt you, not Anakin, not fucking anyone. Do you understand? I don’t know how you feel about me, and I’ll understand if you don’t like me. It’s not easy to warm to a man who has killed people, but I’ll take care of you Katya. Until you tell me to stop, I’ll be there for you.”

  I want to tell him that I more than like him. I think I might even have fallen in love with him. He kept me alive in a blizzard, saved me from being raped and killed by a beast, and he has been true to me in his fashion, but I remember how he rebuffed me when I asked him to run away with me to Florida, so I’ll proceed carefully. “You will take care of me in America? I mean, until I can find a job?”

  “I’ll take care of you under any circumstances. And I promise that you will love America. It’s the greatest country in this world or any other.”

  I nod. I know both of us are ignoring the elephant in the room. Anakin! And what he will do when he finds out I’m not a virgin.

  Hunter lifts my chin and kisses me. Anyone watching will think we are young lovers on our way to a sun-drenched holiday or something, they don’t know we are fugitives and what lies before us is a monster called Anakin. I like his kiss, it tells me what he cannot. I would like to have sex with him again, but the kiss will have to do for now.

  He takes my hand and pulls me toward another exit. I go happily with him. I have given up my plan to stay in Moscow. I will go to America. I will trust. My heart will not allow me to do anything else.

  Outside, we find a taxi that will take us to the airport. The taxi is dirty and cold, but I no longer care much. I’m excited about being with him. I don’t care what’s waiting for us in the future, as long as I’m with him. I’ve read great Russian literature and there’s nothing in there like what I feel. The intensity of what I feel shocks me. We don’t speak in the taxi, but it doesn’t matter because we sit so close together I can feel the heat from his body and his hand never let’s go of mine.

  At the airport, he takes over again and is quickly able to secure us seats on a plane to London. I’ve never been on a plane before and I feel excited about it. Hunter hands me my passport. To my surprise, I find it is an American passport and though it has my photo in it, I’m identified as an American woman.

  The plane leaves in an hour, which suits Hunter v
ery well. He wants to get out of Russia as soon as he can. The connecting flight from London to Detroit is for the next day, which means we will have to spend a day and a night in London. That suits me. Even if everything goes to pot later, I will have that one night with him in a hotel room.

  I will make it a special night.

  Hunter

  Everything goes more smoothly than I could have hoped for. I think she must be feeling that same relief because as soon as we sit, she orders a vodka, smiles broadly and greets the woman sitting in front as if they are old friends. When the alcohol arrives, she throws it down her throat and orders another one. I love to see her so thrilled about something and it kills me to tell her to go easy. Alcohol loosens lips, and I don’t want her speaking to the woman in front or anyone else about her escapades. Also, she has the wrong accent for an American woman.

  While we’re practically out of harm’s way, we’re not there yet. We do something stupid, and the police will pick us up in London. I have no illusions about what will happen then. Being an American with a police record is a recipe for disaster.

  The plane backs away from the gate and taxis toward the runway. Outside, I can see snow beginning to fall. I have a sudden urge to abandon Detroit and move to Florida. It never snows in Florida, or so I’ve been told. And they have alligators there. We pause at the runway, and the pilot tells us that we’re third in line. I’d like to be first, but third will suit just fine.

  The snow can’t get that bad in the next ten minutes.

  It doesn’t. Once we’re off the ground, I breathe more easily. I’m off Russian soil, and that’s a big deal. My chances of being arrested for murder have gone way down. When we land in London, I’ll be even happier.