Breaking Down

by Megan Lowe

  Jax perks up at the title. “Yeah, that’s right, BMX god extraordinaire.”

  She laughs. “Got it, what’s up?”

  “Are there any Extreme Games qualifying events around anytime soon?” Jax asks.

  “Er, let me check.” We hear some typing in the background. “There’s a few. Do you want to travel or not?”

  Jax looks at me and I shrug. “Where are they?” he asks.

  “There’s one in Perth in a few weeks, another in Tasmania the week after that. There’s one in Brisbane in a couple of months, if that takes your fancy.”

  “Sounds good,” Jax says.

  “Will you be ready then?” she asks.

  “I’m hurt, mama-sis-boss, that you even asked that question.”

  “Hey, as your PR rep I need to know so I can build up hype. As your sister-in-law, I want to know because I want to make sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard. There’s a heap of comps you could compete in between now and when qualifying ends.”

  “I’m ready,” he says, a determined gleam in his eyes.

  I can hear the smile in her voice when she says, “I’ll get the paperwork ready.”

  “Thanks, sis,” Jax says.

  “No worries, love you,” she replies.

  “Love you and the fam, I’ll check ya soon,” Jax says, before hanging up. Carefully he picks Buttons up and puts her on the floor. He separates my legs, then climbs between them, resting his body on mine. “Looks like I’m making my comeback,” he says, looking deep into my eyes.

  I nod. “Looks like you are.”

  Chapter 21

  Jax

  It’s a week until the Extreme Games qualifying comp in Brisbane that I want to compete in, and I haven’t heard shit from Bria. I’m pissed and worried that she, as well as others in my family who will remain nameless, think I’m not ready or that I shouldn’t be doing this.

  “Hey,” she says when I ring. I have to bite back my anger at the carefree sound of her voice.

  “Sis,” I say.

  “What’s up?” she asks, like she doesn’t already know.

  “You tell me.”

  She sighs. “I’m sorry, Jax. Reed and I both tried, hell, we all did, to get Pop to budge, but he won’t.”

  “What exactly is he refusing to do?” I ask.

  “He won’t sign your sponsorship papers. Because it’s a qualifying event you need to have one, they won’t let you compete otherwise.”

  “Ah!” I pull at my hair. “Why is he doing this?”

  “I don’t know. He says he’s looking out for your well-being.”

  “But you think it’s something else?” I ask.

  “I don’t know what it is, but, Jax, he’s dead set on you not riding again.”

  I feel like the world has been pulled out from underneath my feet. Sure, I knew I couldn’t ride forever, but I thought that when the time came, it would be my decision.

  “Can Reed sign the papers?” I ask. As VP of our team, he’s got to have some power.

  “He doesn’t have the authority to release the funds for the registration fee.”

  “So that’s it? I’m done?” I ask.

  “As far as Pop is concerned, you are no longer a Ryan Racing rider.”

  My knees fail me and I hit the ground.

  “I’m so sorry, Jax,” I hear Bria say, but the words don’t make it into my brain. It’s all just noise. The only thing I do hear is “you’re no longer a Ryan Racing rider” going round and round. I think I end the call, but I can’t be sure.

  Hours later, when Bentley gets home, she finds me in the same position on the floor. At some point, my girl Buttons curled up next to me, and is purring in her sleep.

  “Hey, dude,” Bentley says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “I thought we’d have stir-fry for dinner, is that good with you?” She bustles around the kitchen, but I can’t bring myself to join her. “Jax?” she says when she realises I haven’t said anything—or moved, for that matter.

  “I’m done,” I tell her.

  “What?” she asks. “Done with what?”

  I manage to find the muscles to move my head, and I look her in the eye when I say, “Riding.”

  “How? Why?” she asks, coming to sit near me.

  “I rang Bria to ask why I hadn’t heard about the comp in Brisbane next week. She told me Pop refused to sign my sponsorship papers, and Reed can’t approve that much money. Apparently, according to my pop, I’m done as a Ryan Racing rider.”

  “You can’t be serious,” she says, a look of disbelief and anger on her face. I shrug. “So that’s it?”

  “What else can I do? Bria says they all tried to talk to him, but he refuses to change his mind.”

  “Is there another team you could join?”

  “My own family doesn’t want me, why would someone else?” I ask.

  “Because you’re a BMX god extraordinaire. Only guy to be invited to compete in all six BMX disciplines at the Extreme Games, eight-time medallist.” I love her for trying to perk me up, but all she’s doing is listing the ways I’m not good enough. I thought I’d hit rock-bottom with my accident and my long recovery. I’d thought things couldn’t get much worse than not being able to keep my balance. Turns out, I was wrong. But never in a million years did I ever think this would happen, that my own family wouldn’t want me.

  I shake my head. “It’s okay, Bentley,” I say, patting her hand, “it’s just one more time I’m left wanting by someone I love.” I get up and head towards the bedroom. “I think I’m just going to lie down, okay?”

  Chapter 22

  Bentley

  There are no words for the level of anger I feel towards Nate Ryan. I watch Jax shuffle off to the bedroom, and I know he’s completely and utterly broken right now. Forget what he was like when we first met; this level of damage dwarfs that by a million percent. When Jax first told me about his family, I thought he had to be joking. They sounded so perfect. And to be honest, I hoped they were like that, that Jax wasn’t lying—but to have this happen? I know what it feels like to not have the support of the people you love. It straight up sucks, and the last thing I ever wanted for him was to experience that. Well, at least we’ve got each other.

  I scoop up Buttons, who barely takes a break from her purring, and walk towards the bedroom. I said to Reed that I’d never ask Jax to be something he’s not, and I meant it. The bedroom is dark and gloomy, but I still manage to locate Jax on the bed. I drop Buttons on the mattress, and she immediately walks up the bed to settle on the same pillow as him. I slip in and hold him. At my touch, he breaks down.

  No, this isn’t who my man is, and I’ll be damned if I leave him like this.

  I squirm in my seat nervously. I have no idea what Jax would think if he knew I was here, but I made a vow I wouldn’t ask him to be something he’s not, and this is the only way I can think to let that be true. With Mav’s help, we tried to shop Jax around, see if anyone was willing to take him on. To me, it should’ve been a no-brainer, Jax being who he is and all. Unfortunately, it appears that Nate Ryan’s influence outstrips eight, with the promise of many more, Extreme Games medals. While the teams we approached were sympathetic, they wanted to stay on Nate’s good side even more. I thought these guys were supposed to be strong, fearless. Turns out they’re nothing but pussies. My only saving grace was that all of this was done behind Jax’s back and so he remains blissfully unaware. But now, this is my only option; this is Jax’s only option if he wants to continue to do what he loves.

  Fifteen minutes after we agreed to meet, Dean Toms strolls into the café. Even the sight of him gives me the creeps, but what choice do we have?

  “Bentley,” he says as he takes a seat.

  “Mr Toms,” I reply.

  “Please,” he says, giving me what I assume he thinks is a charming, but comes across as sleazy, smile, “call me Dean.”

  I nod. “Dean.”

  “I have to admit, I was expecting your call a l
ot sooner.”

  I shrug. “We wanted to make sure we were exploring all our options.”

  “And then you realised you had none, except me.” I swallow hard. Not only am I loath to be dealing with scum like Dean Toms, the fact that he knows about what Mav and I were trying to do makes my stomach lurch. He laughs and pats my hand. “Never mind, Bentley, my dear, all’s well. You’re here now.”

  “Jax needs a team,” I say. There’s no point beating around the bush; we both know why we’re here so there’s no game to be had. “He’s been declared fit and healthy. He’s back training, and he wants to compete again.”

  “But he can’t do that without a team,” Dean finishes. I nod.

  “And you want me to take him on, when every other team out there won’t and go up against someone who, frankly, I think has way too much power and influence over the sport.”

  “You don’t strike me as the type to bow down to intimidation,” I say, giving him my best coy smile.

  He laughs. “Oh, you are good.”

  “Let’s not fuck around,” I say. “I’ve done my research on you. I know you have the connections to make Jax’s profile skyrocket.” Dean sits back in his chair, studying me. “I also know that to most people in the industry you’re viewed as a joke. You’re flashy, with not a lot of substance or any real great talent. Wanky but harmless I think were the words used.” At this, a sneer comes over his face. “But again, you have connections, sponsorships, there’s money behind you, and that’s impressive. I know you want Jax,” I say. “I don’t blame you. He’s a star, there’s no doubt about it. Jax needs a team, you need legitimate talent. It’s a win-win.”

  “Oh, you think so, huh?” he asks.

  “No,” I reply, shaking my head. “I know it is. You can play around and say that Jax is down and out and desperate for a team, but you’re just as desperate to make it to the big time. Being a show team is all well and good, but you want more, don’t you, Dean? You want to see your name up in lights on the world’s biggest stage, and you can’t do that with your current roster. But you could do it with Jax.”

  He sits and considers for a while, but I know I have him. I know what drives men like him, and it’s always the same. Money, power, prestige. “Say I do take Jax on—”

  “Quit playing like this isn’t already a done deal,” I say, and get a hearty laugh in response.

  “—how do you propose explaining this all to Jax? Given he isn’t here, I assume he isn’t in on all of this.”

  “That depends,” I say, “on what sort of deal you’re going to give him.”

  Dean leans back in his chair and rests his folded hands on his potbelly. “It’s simple. I’ll launch him into the stratosphere.”

  “And back his qualification to the Extreme Games?” I ask.

  He waves a hand. “Of course.”

  “Anything he wants or needs he gets, right?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “And in return?”

  “All I ask is that Jax take the DeanStars wherever he goes. That he’s a good representative of our team, and he doesn’t forget that when no one else would stand up to Daddy dearest, I was there for him in his time of need.”

  Ugh, the slime factor with this guy is off the charts. But the image of Jax at home, barely able to get out of bed most days, he and Buttons hiding away in the bedroom, so listless and depressed, runs through my head. I’m doing this for him. I have to remember that. “I’m sure when Jax is back at the top of the drop in, he’ll remember,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “Good,” Dean says clapping his hands. With that, he gets up to leave. “This is a good thing, Bentley,” he says. “It’s going to be fantastic for me, but it’ll be everything for Jax.”

  I nod. Sure, I just have to remember that when I tell him what I’ve done.

  Chapter 23

  Jax

  When I woke up this morning, Bentley was already gone. I feel a pang in my chest that I missed her, but I know I haven’t exactly been great company these past three weeks. To be honest, I don’t even know why she’s still here, still with me. Or why she hasn’t kicked my arse to the curb, given this is her house. I keep thinking I should get up and do something, you know, cook or clean, but I just can’t bring myself to get out of bed except to get something to eat, drink, or to shower. It’s not that I want to be this broken, depressed mess, but every time I go to get up, I keep thinking that if my own family doesn’t want me, then who will?

  But still, I can’t leave it alone.

  “Hello,” his gruff voice says as he answers the phone.

  “Hey, Pop,” I say. My voice sounds weak, defeated. It sounds like I feel.

  “Jax.”

  “I just…,” I start. “I just wanted to call and ask you, no, plead with you, to change your mind.”

  He sighs. “Jax—”

  “Please,” I plead. “This is who I am, who we are, don’t take that away from me.”

  “I’m sorry, Jax.”

  “No you’re not,” I spit.

  “Truly I am. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

  “It doesn’t!” I shout. “You’re the one who’s making it this way!”

  “The risk is too great, Jax. Who knows what damage you’ll do if you crash and hit your head again? I won’t be responsible for that. I can’t have that hanging over my head too.”

  Too? What does he mean, too? “What do you mean? What else are you responsible for?”

  “Your mother,” he says.

  “Mum had cancer,” I tell him. “How the fuck was that your fault?”

  “I should’ve known something was wrong, gone and got her checked out.”

  “How could you possibly have known there was something wrong?” I ask. “Ovarian cancer is hard to detect, they say so all the time, let alone twenty years ago.”

  “Still,” he says.

  I shake my head. “That’s bullshit. I get you miss her, fuck, we all do, but her getting cancer, her dying wasn’t your fault. Just like any injury we get isn’t your fault.”

  “It may not be, but I’m the one who allows you lot to do what you do. I’m the one who pushed you all into bikes in the first place.”

  “Pfft,” I say. “You didn’t push any of us. If I remember right, you were the one who was always pulling me off Park’s and Reed’s bikes when I was barely able to climb onto them.”

  He laughs. “You always were a daredevil.”

  “I still am,” I tell him.

  He sighs. “But you don’t have to be. You have the ability to connect with so many people, and you know what it takes to be the best.” He takes a breath. “I want you to come on board as a talent scout. You’d be a natural.”

  I let that statement sit there for a bit, anger welling up inside me. “I’m not done yet, and I’ll die before I sit there and choose the next guy to take my place.”

  “It’s better this way,” he says.

  “For you and your conscience,” I say, “but it would kill me. It is killing me. You’ve completely broken me.”

  “You’ll get over it,” he says, “just like Reed did when he gave up racing.”

  “I’m not Reed, Pop. I can’t just give up something I love, and bounce back like it’s nothing. Riding is who I am.”

  “You can learn to be someone different.”

  “Is that really what you want?” I ask. “For me to be someone different?”

  “If it keeps you safe and well, then yes.”

  “I might be safe if I’m not riding, but I’ll never be well.” I sigh, knowing it’s pointless to reason with him. “So that’s it?” I ask. “I’m officially done with Ryan Racing?”

  “As a rider, yes, but—”

  I cut him off. “That’s the only position I’m interested in.”

  “Jax, please consider—”

  “Why should I consider anything when you won’t consider where I’m coming from?”

  “I only want what’s best for you,” he
says.

  “Then you don’t know shit about me if you think this is it,” I say, and hang up.

  A few hours later, Bentley comes back.

  “Hey,” I say, initiating conversation for the first time in weeks.

  She stops, shocked, but recovers quickly. “Hey yourself.”

  “Where’d you go today? I missed you.”

  She melts a little bit. “I missed you too.”

  I pat the bed for her to climb on. She does, and snuggles into my side. “You seem….” She trails off.

  “Yeah,” I say.

  “So what’s up?”

  I blow out a breath. “I called Pop.”

  Her head whips around so fast her hair whacks me in the face. She’s gone for a blue/green/yellow combo at the moment. “Sorry,” she says. “What happened?” She has a hopeful look in her eyes.

  “I’m done. Officially.”

  Her shoulders slump. “I’m sorry, Jax.”

  I shrug. “I just wanted to try, you know? Just once more to see if I could get through to him.”

  “It didn’t work?”

  I shake my head. “He gave me some bullshit excuse about not wanting to be responsible for any injury I have in the future.”

  “But it’s a part of the sport,” she says.

  “I know. He does too.”

  “So he’s not budging?”

  “Nope.”

  “What now?” she asks.

  I shrug again. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you still want to ride?”

  I nod. “I do. I love it, it’s who I am, and I’m nowhere near done,” I say.

  “So theoretically,” she says, playing with the hem of her top, “if there was another team that wanted to sign you, would you take them up on that?”

  I shift so I’m looking her in the eyes. “What do you know?”

  “Okay, you wanted to know where I was today right?” she asks, and I’m confused as to what the hell that has to do with the conversation we’re having, but I go with it.

  “Ah, yeah?” I say, but it comes out like a question.