by Kris Buendía
“I don`t expect you to understand.”
“I understand you perfectly and I know what comes next” he is not surprised by my silence like I`m waiting for him to go on “You are going to ask me how you are going to be able to live without me. The difference will be that you will look for the answer.”
“You are talking like you are going to lose me” I whisper sending those thoughts far away from here.
“Life prepares you for every type of thing. I`m not saying that you are going to lose me or me you, but if it where the case, I think you are stronger than me. I would punish myself by hanging on to the feeling of missing you, you would move on with your life, just like you did when you moved in here.
“That is very cruel, you don`t have to think that way. You and I can be together if we don`t mess up.”
“If” I repeat” I don`t understand why there has to be some kind of contract or condition to be together with somebody. I think it`s selfish.
“There is nothing wrong with two people who understand each other and put their card on the table of what each of them want from the other person.
“And what do you want from me? I bet you have a long list. Instead I will take what you give me and I will not ask for more.”
He is either a hypocrite or has a short term memory. Has he forgotten about every one of his requests and demands ever since we met?
“I`m asking you to be honest with me” I remind him.”
“I am” he answers.
“You haven`t understood me. Honesty means something more than just telling the truth, there is a certain kind of commitment on your end for you to be honest about what you want from me and if you are happy next to me.”
“There is nothing else in the world that makes me feel happier than being with you, Lana. And what I want is to have you here, and here you are. Stop thinking things so much and accept that you are wrong.”
“Just because you give the orders instead of asking doesn’t mean I should act the same.”
“Why not? You`ve given everything that I’ve asked, that for you is an order. You call it order, I call it going after what I want. And you Lana, I wanted you with me, in my bed since the first time I saw you. I know that you wanted the same thing ever since I told you, I could see it in your eyes and your drunken state had nothing to do with it. The one that hasn`t understand it is you, an order is not something you take pleasure with, like you have when you are with me. You`ve taken what you want without going for it or asking for it. You think you have to earn it win it in order to have it. Baby, understand that if it wasn`t like that you wouldn`t be with me here.”
Is he saying that because I deserve him he is here with me?
Or, because he deserves me I`m with him?
I like them both. He is right. We both deserve each other.
“Do you think that the bad things that happened in our lives did so because we deserve them?”
“Sometimes yes” he kisses my forehead “Our bad decisions lead us to terrible things happening. Some others, just happen because they need to happen.”
“I never expected to hear something like that from you” I tell him honestly ”So much so that it makes me sad. You only deserve good things Duncan. Don`t let anybody tell you differently, you are a good man and life has given you four wonderful parents. Even though we don`t have all the correct answers I know one for sure, and it`s that you came into my life without me expecting it. I always had everything under control in my life, I knew the answers as I was making the decisions. But when I think of you…I don`t know if my heart can resist all that I feel.”
My heart is pounding and Duncan gets serious. I sit in front of him, exposed and naked. I don`t care. I have to tell him now or I won`t have the courage to do so after. I don`t care that I`m the first to talk, he told me that I shouldn`t think things too much because we lose time feeling scared or insecure and in the long term they only lead to one thing and we don`t live.
“I`ve fallen in love with you.”
His face turns into preoccupation.
“Why are you crying, Lana?”
I get up ashamed and I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. I think I should have thought it over before telling him like that. It`s a surprise to him and maybe he feels compelled to say something back. But that is not what I want, he said he could take only want I gave him.
I`ve told him that I`m love with him. He doesn`t have to say or do anything specific, with him not making me leave his apartment is enough.
“I…”
“Come here Lana” he asks me with a deep voice.
I still have my back to him and I know he enjoys the view. My long hair tickles my back and my skin bristles. I`m so nervous that I could just run away naked.
“No…”
“Don`t make come and get you” he tells me and I don`t doubt that he would “please come here.”
I like that request better than the first one because it`s the first time that he is serene. I don`t mind what he says, for me everything that comes out of his mouth is an order.
I do what he asks and I go back into bed. That is not enough for him and he brings me closer to the position that we were in before.
There is a silence and he is just looking at me. He softly touches my whole body and I don`t feel uncomfortable about it because he does it his way, his perks are fascinating when it comes to me.
I`m going to go crazy if he doesn`t say something.
“Say something, Duncan. You can laugh, make fun of me if you want. I bet that doesn`t exist in your world anymore.”
He smiles at me and frowns.
I wish I could curse that smile that seems to take care of everything. I take it back, it doesn`t look like, it does.
“I would never be able to make fun of you babe.”
“Then why don`t you say something?”
He sighs.
That is one thing that is starting to bother me about him. He sighs, sighs and sighs. That is the only thing he knows how to do right now.
“Baby” me kisses my lips “I feel like I`ve come back to life.”
“You say it like you were…”
“Dead” Hes finishes “it is like that.”
“I don`t like you talking that way” I push him away angrily. I just told him I was in love with him, that I love him, not in those words, but come on, he is no idiot. He knew what he was doing to me, and he wanted me to be the first to say it.
“I feel like an idiot.”
“Stop it! “ He screams and I get startled. I feel small where I am, standing in front of him with my eyes open and my jaw trembling.
“Shit” he gets out of bed and walks towards me ”I`m sorry. I didn`t mean to yell. It`s just that I am angry that you feel that way. Please, forgive me.”
He hugs me tight and I let him. It has been too much for him. It must be overwhelming for someone to declare their love after making the proposition of just sex with your neighbor and doctor that cured your hand. I got really scared.
But for Duncan must be double, his order was for me to be in his bed and to be his and, well, falling for him came with the package and it`s not my fault, it`s his, for being the artist that came to rock my world.
CHAPTER
TWENTY FIVE
With a new smile in my face I start my working life again. I call my father twice a day and everything is fine in Los Angeles. But when my father asks me about Gabe I pretend to have an emergency.
I feel terrible but all this will be over soon now that I´m meeting Dorian in his office and Gabe´s lawyer. I can finally put an end to this, and because I know Gabe won´t be present, I´m even more relaxed.
I can´t forget what he did to my apartment, putting those pictures up there. I haven´t received any other subliminal threats from him or anything else. On the other hand, Duncan is still acting kind of serious since I told him I was in love
with him, but he hasn´t stopped worrying or asked me to join him in my bed or his. He holds me and kisses me with the same intensity, so I forget his seriousness and I take it as one of his multiple mood swings.
“That is the best news of all” says Agatha. We are on our lunch break and I´ve gathered with my best friends to tell them about the divorce.
“How did Duncan take it? “ Dixon asks ”I saw him a bit serious this morning.”
“It´s normal in him” Moe says “It would be strange if he smiled. “
I laugh because he is right, about both things, but I won´t let my friends worry about it.
“We are good, he is handling it better than me I must say. “
“That says a lot about him” Dixon goes on “Not all men are good at accepting the reality of things. “
What was that about?
“I´m leaving” says Moe “duty calls.”
“Again? “ I complaint you just got here.”
“When Dixon gets melancholic is time to run, let´s hope I don´t get it too.”
“Idiot” Dixon mumbles and everything gets out of control.
“Asshole” Moe counterattacks.
Agatha and I look at both of them.
“Ignorant chimp.”
“Son of a bitch. “
“Pig.”
“Lowlife.”
“Faggot” Moe says lastly and my heart gets out of my chest when I see Dixon´s face.
He gets up and leaves without saying a word.
“What the hell…?“ Agatha can barely articulate words.
I´m about to start crying and I see that Moe doesn´t care much about what he just told Dixon. He must not suspect that Dixon is gay, because if he did, he wouldn´t have said that.
I get close to Moe and say:
“What you just said is despicable.”
“Lana, I didn´t mean to…”
“I can´t believe it” Agatha leaves but before she looks at him with disappointment in her eyes.
Moe stands still looking at us go. I go after my friend but I can´t find him. I hope he is alright, and even though I´m dying to hug him and make Moe cry and apologize to him. But right now I have a surgery to attend to.
…
Duncan said he would pick me up from the hospital, but I´ve been waiting for him for over an hour and no sign of him. Dorian must be waiting for me in his office a few blocks from here, but I don´t have the courage to go alone walking while the storm is still so strong.
There are no empty cabs at this late hour. I have no other choice but to walk there under the rain, by no means can I miss this meeting with Gabe´s lawyer.
I start walking on the sidewalk when an SUV starts honking at me.
It´s the same type of car I saw Duncan get in once, so I stop and run to get in all wet.
“I´m not going to apologize for soaking the van” I say once I´m in it.
“I´m sure it´s worth it. “
That voice frightens me and the first thing I do is open the door once I recognize who it is from.
Gabe.
My hands are slippery trying to open the door, when suddenly he grabs me by the hair and brings me to him. There is nobody else inside and I don´t know where he got the van from. Gabe has followed me here and now he is hurting me.
“No!“ I try to get free but it is impossible to fight his strength.
“Stop yelling” he covers my mouth with his hand and with the other one he grabs my arm strongly ”Stop yelling or I will do something worse Lana. Have you called your father today?”
I open my eyes as wide as they go and I start crying. Saying no with my head. He cannot be capable of hurting my father. He is a son of a bitch.
“I´m going to let you go, but if you start screaming again, the next time you see your father he will be in pieces.”
I say yes moving my head and he lets go of me little by little, I look at his face. It has to be a nightmare the fact that I married someone like him. He is evil incarnate.
“Please…”
“I haven’t given you permission to speak yet” he says “I know that right now my lawyer is meeting yours and that you are going there as well.”
“Gabe…”
His palm goes right to my face and hits me straight in the cheek, making me stay quiet and leaving an uncomfortable silence because of it. I start to tremble waiting for the worse. People are walking normally right by us in the rain that has now gone down. I look at Gabe again and stay quite.
“That’s how I like it” he says with a calculating smile” Obey. Like I told you before you are going to end this whole divorce thing, and if they ask you questions you are just going to ignore them, or you can say that you don´t want to go through with it and that you still love me. That I forgave you for your brief romance.
I say no with my head and I cry. I take my hands to my mouth and I feel out of breath.
“If you don´t do that” He whispers as he takes me by the hair again “I will not only kill your father, I will kill your lover, your friends and lastly, I will put you in jail so you can be sorry for the rest of you life for not obeying me. “
Everything is spinning and my eyes start closing up.
“Lana” he smacks my face “come on precious, don´t pass out, you are strong. You will do as I say without any questions. “
“I…”
I´m waiting for the hit but it doesn´t come.
“You can talk.”
“Please don´t...don’t do this, what do you want from me? I will do whatever you ask but please don´t hurt them. Please.”
Gabe takes my face close to him and kisses me very roughly.
“It is precisely you that I want. You are making things difficult precious. You have made me angry and made me look like a fool in front of your father, you have kissed another man in my face and that was cruel. Now you will do as I say and you will come home. Your place is in the Miller mansion, and forget your career as well, you will be locked up in the house for the rest of your life. “
I hear him unlocking the doors and it is my signal to get off. So I do in auto pilot. The last thing I hear is the van speeding away and I just stand there in the middle of the rain falling intensely over me.
My father’s smile comes to mind.
The hugs and craziness of my friends.
The warmth from Duncan´s naked body too.
The only thing I need to make my legs work and for the first time, pretend, I´ve seen Gabe doing it a million times.
CHAPTER
TWENTY SIX
When I open the door to the office, my heart is broken as I see Duncan is waiting for me along with Dorian. Through one of the glass doors I can see a man with an expensive suit going through his briefcase.
That must be Gabe`s lawyer.
“Lana” Duncan walks up to me scared “Are you alright? I`m sorry, I was stuck on traffic.”
I look at him and swallow the pain that is in my throat.
Dorian looks at me with a frown on his face.
“Lana, are you ok?”
“I`m fine” I can`t hear myself. “
“Shall we?”
As I take the first step, Duncan takes my arm and stops me. I see his big strong hand, it`s the last time I will see it or touch it.
“Lana…”
“I`m fine” I rush to answer.
“Look at me.”
The ironic thing is that he is asking me nicely and it doesn`t sound like one of his orders.
I can`t look him in the eye. I don`t dare to, if he does, then he may find out the truth. That Gabe kidnapped me in his van before coming here, that he beat me and he has also threaten the lives of all the people I love.
Yes, I love him.
I start crying.
“Jesus Christ, Lana” he says as he holds me and I show a bit of fear in that hug “What`s going on, babe? You
are fucking scaring me. “
I push away from him when I see Dorian.
“Lana, we are ready. “
I nod and I walk away from Duncan. He lets me go when he sees me smile.
He seems relaxed and he remains standing. He is on the other side of the glass door, I see him and I don`t know if he is the lucky one for not listening or me. Dorian and Gabe`s lawyer, who`s name I was never interested in learning when he introduced himself, start talking.
“Lana? “ Dorian calls me.
You will be locked up in the house for the rest of your life.
Gabe`s words are pounding on my soul. Being licked up is better than losing the people I love. Even though going back to Gabe means losing them anyway. At least they`ll live.
I told Duncan that he deserved someone better than me.
I look at Dorian and the other man.
“I`ve decided to withdraw the divorce procedure” I can listen to my heart breaking “I`m sorry I made you waste your time. But I realize that three years of marriage can`t be erased. “
“Lana” Dorian is the first one to talk ”What are you doing?”
I know that Duncan won`t be alone as long as his brother is with him.
“Take good care of him.”
His eyes search for Duncan, but Duncan`s look for mine as I walk to the door. I can only feel the worst pain I`ve ever felt in my heart. Even worse when I see Duncan`s face as he realizes what is going on.
I go up to him.
“Everything will be alright now.
My heart is beating louder and my knees can`t hold on any longer, before everything turns black the only thing I see is the color of his eyes as they rush up to me.
…
I open my eyes and I find myself in my apartment. I thought it was a nightmare and that I would wake up in Duncan`s arms, but no. The silence of the place reminds me of what happened.
I`ve fucked everything up.
My phone is off and I don`t know what time it is. I try to get up from the bed but my head is killing me. I get to the living room and I see the clock. It`s daytime and it`s nine o`clock to be exact, I should be in the hospital.