by Kris Buendía
“Stop.”
I fight back the tears that are threatening to come out. I don`t want to shed one more tear for any of my decisions.
“Gabe is not the first man that has cheated me, Duncan. Before that I had already made the mistake of falling in love with somebody else. I was going to get married and he stood me up on our wedding day.”
“Stop” he whispers ”please stop.”
I don`t even mind wiping my tears away.
“I was so pathetic that I run to look for him and I found him fucking my best friend from back then.”
“Lana, please! “ He screams and tries to touch me but I push him away.
“I will never be like your beloved Elaine, I bet that she doesn`t have story like mine to tell. That is why you fell in love with her, to the point of not leaving her, even though you knew she didn`t love you.”
“Stop! “ He screams.
But I don`t.
“It`s not too late Duncan. You can go look for her. You have history together. I bet this time she could love you. Who wouldn`t?”
“Nothing about what you are saying makes any sense.”
“Are you over it? “ I ask ignoring the rest “ I`m over Kiefer and Gabe, even though he denies doing the same about me. You? “ I point him with disapproval ”Are you over her? Have you stopped thinking about her ever? Even when you were with me? Whenever you are at work or your brother mentions her?”
He denies with his head again.
“You are going to be sorry about what you are saying Lana.”
“Maybe I will maybe I won`t. I don`t want to know either way. This” I make a brief pause ”whatever this is over now.”
He takes big steps and walks towards me and takes my head in his hands, covering my mouth with his. He never asked for permission to do such a thing and I`m not used to saying no to him. I would like to ask him how he dares kiss me after what I just told him. But I`m not going to because I`m doing exactly what he is. Sticking my tongue into his mouth and taking what`s mine.
“I`m not going to allow you to do it again” He says against my lips.
“I have nothing else to say.”
“You shouldn`t try to stop it Lana. Those four days that you run from me were even longer that this past two weeks, that I couldn`t have what’s mine. You, Lana, you are mine. Have you forgotten?”
How could I?
“I can be cold as you have been many times.”
“No, you shouldn`t. I will not let the Lana I know live in the shadows. And I shouldn`t do it either.”
His eyes look over my entire face. He is still caressing my cheek and kissing me tenderly.
“What is happening babe?”
“You” I accuse him” You is what is happening to me.
I can have mood swings like him. I can be cold and sweet when I want to. I cannot pretend any longer like I was used to doing. Now I can show myself completely and this moment is more real than anything else.
And even though my mind is screaming for me to get away from him, I don`t know how much longer I can wait or withstand in order to save them both from this that looks like stained papers and not blank papers so we can start writing our story.
“I`ve missed you” He tells me as his hand reaches my ass and takes it like it belongs to him. I hate him for who he is, I hate myself because that is what I like about him, his essence “did you?”
“Did I what?”
I play dumb, of course I`ve missed him. A lot would not be enough to have come here, to have the courage to stay after listening him talk to his brother.
“No. Don`t try to play with me, Lana. You`ve missed me as much as I have, I think I a bit more. You are mine. Do I have to remind you of that?”
I swallow as I can. It`s been two weeks since I`ve felt this desire and I had forgotten what it was like to feel him so close. I can see his anger in his eyes.
“I`m not yours” I whisper.
“You are all mine. Since the moment you are here “Now his hand is in my neck, not letting me look down as I always do when he talks to me that way. The only thing missing was for him to know my perks and meddle with them. Cornering me into accepting that I am his. He had done it before, but right I don`t want to be” You are going to wait for me in my apartment while I handle all of this.”
For a second I had forgotten even where I was and what I had found here.
“No” I answer.
He is not letting me back up, he takes my hand and walks me to his door, taking little steps as if I could get lost.
“You are going to stay here, you can have a shower if you like and get yourself comfortable. I`ll be with you in a moment.”
“I need clothes” Any excuse is a good one to get into my apartment and lock the door so he would leave me alone. But as if he were able to read my mind, he is now confused.
“You don`t need it” I stare at him” But you can take what you need from my closet.
“Do you have a tampon in one of your closets?
Now he seems ashamed for cornering me in his apartment. My lie finally allows me to go where I want to, that is when he steps to the side and lets me out. I run far away from him and I reach my apartment. I slam the door and lock it.
“Very clever, babe.”
I stay quiet, leaning my back to the door and letting myself fall to the floor, while I take each photo around me and crush it with my hands.
I don`t know when my life turned into this, but I must admit the life that I had with Gabe wasn`t a good one either. I was comfortable being Mrs. and while I had my friends and work nothing else mattered. I was so wrong. I deserved to be happy from this end as well. Love and be loved. Now I don`t know if the one with the issues is me and that I see everything wrong and everybody against me and lying to me.
After leaving my father`s house, I promised him I would go back. But he doesn`t know that I will be a Taynor again like him, and that I won`t be a Miller anymore, wife of a well”known and respected senator.
I give up and leave the photos all around the living room and I go and take a shower. At least I will accept that order from Duncan. As I walk to my room and I`m standing in front of the door the shower is the last thing I need.
I drag myself to the bed and close my eyes hoping, that when I open them, everything will make sense and I will know what to do. Right now, the only thing I need is to close my eyes.
CHAPTER
TWENTY THREE
“I asked you to do something.”
The voice wakes me up and makes open my eyes scared, when I see him standing there, leaning towards the door frame in front of me. With his arms crossed and not satisfied at all. I don`t know how long I`ve been asleep, but besides his angry face, I feel better.
“Now you are going to make me by intruding in my apartment? “ I answer back sitting on the bed and he walking towards me.
“I`m not that kind of guy.”
“Oh, no? You just happen to appear where you are not called, how did you get in here?”
“I have a key” he says frankly.
“How do you have a key? This is going beyond the control you think you have over me.”
If he was pissed before, now even more. I don`t remember how he was dressed, but I do know he wasn`t wearing a tie, or was he? I can`t remember, because if I did, I wouldn’t be feeling like I am right now.
“You dare get angry at me for coming into your apartment? Because what I will get over is not only my level of control over you, but the will of fucking you so you have that clearly in your mind and you know where you belong.”
I love seeing him like that. I`ve pissed him off right as I wanted. Now I can`t say no for sure. I`ve grown to know him to, and it`s when he is stubborn and angry when I can really take the truth out of him.
“You were forcing me to go to your apartment and pretend nothing had happened.”
&nb
sp; “I didn`t ask you to pretend, I didn`t force you to go to my apartment either, I asked you nicely, you shouldn`t have run away from me like I was going to hurt you. That hurt.”
He is right, it was stupid.
“I`m sorry.”
“I`m going to be the one to tells you how you can apologize.”
I can imagine.
“You don`t have to. Act like nothing happened. I`ve been away for two weeks, I`ve been away long enough for you to think about her again. About Elaine.”
“We are going back to that? It seems that you want me to remind you.”
“No!“ I scream insolently throwing one of my fits” You are not going to fuck me to remember or forget something that you and I can`t have. I`m not yours Duncan. I`m still a married woman.
That comment seemed to hurt him, but he won`t say it out loud.
“You are angry” he justifies my words “I can take whatever nonsense you say, but I will never settle with anything else than making you mine, not just to remind you of something, but because…”
He stops.
“Why?“ I ask ”What does having me mean to you? Don`t make me ask you again because you have dared compare me with her Duncan. Don`t make me hate a woman I don`t know, because I like her for letting you go, otherwise I would have never met you. I don`t want to imagine that I could have been one of those woman who you cheated her with.”
He touches his head exasperated.
“You will never be like those women Lana” Now he is right in front of me, he presses his face against mine with his jaws clenched and containing himself from becoming the savage man he promised to be” And when I said there is no comparison among you her meant it.
I wish I could get him away from me. But the desire of him kissing me doesn`t let me.
“I don`t feel like it and you haven`t answered my question.”
He closes his eyes and opens them slowly and I see that look that I like in his eyes. Despite that, I still want to get away from him, but he doesn`t let me when he grabs my arm.
“I don`t have words to explain it, Lana. But don`t you ever feel less than any other woman again.”
He holds me and the weight that I felt in my chest is gone. Even though the fear remains, I don`t quite know of what, but as long as I`m in his arms, at least for now, I feel like everything is going to be alright.
“Can you please come with me to my apartment now? I don`t want you to be alone and I don`t know if you understood how much I`ve missed you.”
Next thing I know, he grabs me by the hand and takes me out of my room. I can`t see the photos anywhere and I look at him speechless.
“I took them down while you were sleeping” he explains.
That means that I`ve slept for a while or he was in a hurry. Because there were a lot of photos that were supposed to be taken down.
Once in his apartment I`m pissed and I forget why. I don`t know if it`s because of Gabe and how low he got with this and what he did to my apartment. Or because he hasn't signed the divorce papers yet. When I look at Duncan I don`t know if I`m angry with him as well for insisting and playing with my mind like that or if it`s me playing with his.
He takes my hand and I drop it like if his touch was burning me.
“What is going on with you?”
I want to go back to bed. My head is spinning and I`m getting dizzy. He takes me by the arm in order to help me not fall but I step away, regaining my composure.
“You” I point at him. I barely can kiss his lips moving forward “Since the day I saw you I can`t get you out of my head, I never thought that a man like you could be with a woman like me ad now that I have you in front of me” I delight myself looking at him and appreciating him ”I`m ruining everything. It`s supposed to be the other way around.”
“You are not ruining anything babe” he kisses me and it`s not hard for him to reach me “I wish you would realize that the one that doesn`t deserve you is me.”
It hurts for him to say that, I have the need to be me, the person that reminds men like him they can be happy and to not think about anything else. The only thing I regret is not being able to give him the place he deserves. He has introduced me to a family member, and in exchange, I allowed him to lie to my father.
“You should be angry at me for lying to my father.”
I drag him with me up to his room and I start taking his clothes off. He enjoys watching me take control when I start undressing him. Once there is nothing between us, I accept his offer of taking a shower, but with him.
He fills the tub a bit and I`m the first one in. Sitting in front of him, he massages my back with liquid soap and it feels good. When he finishes with my back, arms and legs, it`s my turn.
It`s the longest silence that we`ve had. The only thing you can hear is the noise that we make inside the water. He has his eyes closed and I think that is the sweetest thing I`ve ever seen him do. I caress his body and clean it, appreciating him and taking those images into my memory of how much I missed touching him and kissing him.
I lose my breath when he opens his eyes and takes me out of the tub, near his wet and slippery body.
“Are you ready?”
If I tell him yes, that since I saw him standing in front of my bed he wouldn`t believe me, but I enjoy seeing him imagining all kinds of things until I give the right answer.
“Are you? “ I counterattack and he smiles “Please don`t ever stop smiling Duncan” My request takes him by surprise “something tells me you didn`t do it often before.”
He turns me around and starts kissing my neck, going down with one of his hands from my breast to my spot and caressing the inside with his fingers. My knees are weak once I feel his fingers on my spot and while the other hand looks for my lips. He told me he would fuck me hard so I`d remember who I belonged to but he is far from doing it.
He takes his time and gets what he wants.
“I want you to fuck me right now” I`m not surprised about my request, and I hope he isn`t either. I want him so much that it`s starting to hurt.
“It`s always a pleasure to do so Lana” He takes me to the bed while I remain looking down and I feel his weight over me “But I want to enjoy you today.”
He kisses my neck and continues kissing my back and ends up biting my ass. He spreads my legs with his knee and I feel him going inside me.
“Duncan!”
“Have you already remembered who you belong to Lana?”
Oh, shit!
How could I forget? I will do it on purpose if each time he makes me remember is like this.
“Yes.”
He accelerates the movement of his hips that pounding against my ass and I grab the sheets while my moans are drowned in the pillow.
“Don`t hide” he orders me “I want to hear you moan.”
I should find another word for what he is doing to me. Pleasure is to scream like a mad woman. What I`m doing is different, he is taking over every pore in my body and going deeper every time I give myself to him.
I don`t know if I can take it any longer. The idea of stopping is not in his plans or mines. I waited too long to feel like this again and I`m savoring each moment.
“You are getting tight inside. My baby can`t be so close to coming.”
He has called me baby again.
“Your baby asks you to never stop calling her that.”
He slaps my ass in answer and lifts my ass so that now my knees are the ones on the bed and my ass is lift towards him. He slaps it again and I jump because of how good it feels.
“Every part…you are mine, Lana Taynor.”
“Yes” I accept it “I am. I haven`t forgotten about it.”
He grabs my ass tightly and plunges inside me. I scream, moan and move to receive him.
“It`s good to know that my Lana has finally understood it and won`t forget it again.”
And som
ething inside me tells me that those words have the power to make me happy but also hurt me at the same time.
CHAPTER
TWENTY FOUR
The bed is a mess. Not even when he is a savage with me does the bed look like this.
The magical panorama of our lives. A mess that can be seen from every angle. But only from within you would be able to see why. It`s how he makes me see things.
Without thinking too much about them.
I fell asleep for a second and the images come to my mind. I don`t know if I`m daydreaming, or if a new fear takes over my soul right now.
It hurts.
“I`m afraid of losing this thing that we have” I`m surprised to say that out loud. But I`m trying not to think about things too much, it is what it is and I`ve accepted it, without resistance. If I need the strength to be happy, I need to know that it exists.
“I`ve only felt scared of losing my father when I saw him sleeping in the hospital bed.”
Duncan is awake because he has started caressing my cheek, while I try not to seem weak and needy in front of him.
“Lana…”
“You couldn`t stand to see me drunk and weak that night in the bar” I put that image in his mind” But even so you took me home. I made you lose your mind with my insolence since then, I think I still do and after all this time you ended up being perfect with all your perks and orders” I look at his face and I have his attention “Instead of getting away from me or me from you, you were hardheaded in doing the opposite thing I was telling you. I should have been scared, angry at you and move away, but because I found my neighbor interesting and his look reminds me of those novels where the leading man have terrible secrets.”
“That is not fear” he tells me while he nibbles my ear.
“Maybe you are right” I accept “I`m not going to lie to you, I liked you almost from the first instant I saw you, it`s not something normal, not even in soap operas does this happen. I wasn`t vulnerable or scorned as to jump to bed with the first hot guy I saw.”
I lay there looking at the ceiling, remembering how and what happened each day after that.