Beautiful Disaster

by C. J.

  There are those who are immediately liked by all those who come in contact with them, and there are those one instantly wants to punch in the face. Brian fell into the latter category. Even sweet ol' Mrs. Swenson from accounting who had to have been with the company since the days of the abacus remarked on first meeting Brian, "You're quite the jackass aren't you young man?" There wasn't a dry set of pants in the whole accounting department that day. For one thing no one knew Mrs. Swenson could swear, and secondly, no one had a clue that she had a sense of humor until coming out with that gem. Brian, not having any wits let alone any quick ones, became as red as his tinted hair and fled the room.

  Kevin Montgomery, a formulations chemist like Danny at Lexi Cosmetics Corp., had a theory about Brian: that he’d seen Braveheart one too many times in his youth and thought he was Scottish. Danny, Kevin’s best friend, roommate, and lab partner suspected Brian colored his hair red and puts on a phony Glasgow accent to impress the CEO of Lexi who was British, and Brian being Brian, couldn’t tell the difference between an English accent and a Scottish accent.

  Brian had reddish hair, pasty skin with absolutely no muscle tone. He wasn’t overweight, but he appeared flabby nonetheless. Sort of a five foot six Popp’n Fresh without the cuteness. When he wore his lab coat, he almost disappeared except for the reddish mass of hair atop of his head that he was always brushing off his face.

  Danny and Kevin the dynamic duo who were going to save the world through better chemistry ended up at Lexi due to the corporation’s unique manufacturing concept. Lexi Corp. was the only cosmetics company that manufactured natural cosmetics and also worked on groundbreaking biopharmaceutical research dealing with products made with very few chemical compounds; the majority of the ingredients were all natural. Lexi Corp. did not sell their products directly to the public but to the big name cosmetic companies and pharmaceutical companies. Kevin and Danny chose Lexi Corp. mainly because they both were hired to work on the biopharmaceutical development of drugs with natural ingredients and little to no side effects. A bonus to being employed at Lexi Corp. met part of their strict criteria, namely proximity to their apartment complex since their rent was frozen due to some legal battle neither of them understood. Also Lexi Corp. was a mere twenty minutes away from the only outlet store in the Midwest, The Mad Scientist Depository, which sold scientific, chemistry, and biology equipment in one enormous warehouse.

  Three years ago their department started to become smaller and smaller as the drug manufacturing side took much longer to get to production and consequently was not as profitable as the cosmetic side of the company. Last year the drug development side was eliminated entirely, and Danny and Kevin were given the choice to work on cosmetics or find employment elsewhere. They were not sure how they would continue to make world saving discoveries via anti-wrinkle cream and overpriced lip balm, but they thought having access to expensive lab equipment might help them in their individual experiments. Their present assignment required them to come up with a cream to erase the dark circles and wrinkles under one's eyes as they had some small success with one trial of anti-wrinkle cream. Kevin and Danny worked with six other chemists in this particular lab, specifically working on facial creams.

  Conner’s voice could be heard droning on from the adjoining room, but Danny and Kevin were watching an engrossing story on the news about a bull that had escaped from a nearby farm, and wandered into an upscale mall set amongst farmland. At the moment, it appeared to be headed for Victoria’s Secret.

  Danny and Kevin could hear Brian’s voice droning on from the lab, so they drifted in from the break room to avoid the inevitable “We ur waitin', we ur waitin'” aimed at the stragglers trying to duck Brian’s nail-biting, edge of the seat briefings.

  “Th' first item oan th' agenda is frae th' IT department regardin' new passwords due tae an upgrade in their security system. Th' passwords hud tae hae at leest 10 characters wi' at leest a number an' a symbol an' th' passwords hae tae be changed every month an' can’t be used twice,” said Brian, in his reading from a memo voice, which sounded more like someone reading a Jack and Jill story to first graders.

  "NOOOOO, no more fucking passwords, my head can't hold one more password, one more and it will fucking explode!" Danny screamed. He then collapsed backward, stiff as a board into Kevin's arms, as if they were engaged in a trust-building exercise. Kevin dragged Danny away, heels scraping on the tiled floor corpse-like. Polite clapping from on-lookers followed with a few “damn straights” muttered here and there. Conner paused briefly and continued his chirpy, upbeat list of "thoughts of the day and safety concerns" that everyone tuned out much like they tuned out “Maroon Five” playing softly in the company's elevator. Everyone was also madly trying to think "happy thoughts" to drown out the suicidal ones.

  The next bit of news to make everyone's day was management's new health incentive. Usually, it was some common sense nonsense such as if you drop a glass beaker don't take off your shoes and walk through the broken bits barefoot, or, don’t try to scoop it up with your tongue. Everybody usually went to their happy place when Brian dished out these words of wisdom. Today, however, the health incentive thought of the day consisted of actual activity.

  “Awe rite a' fowk gaither aroond.” hollered Brian.

  “Why are you hollering? It’s not like we wandered away to fingerpaint.” Simone hollered back.

  “Alrecht a' fowk there’s a new program 'at management wants us aw tae start each an' every morn begin' the-day.”

  Once Eddie and Bill, two of Lexis’s assistant chemists, heard of this impending disastrous news they ran to retrieve Kevin and Danny. The words “management”, “new,” and “each and every morning” were never a positive combination, and if they were going to suffer through this new crisis, they were going to make damn sure Kevin and Danny were there too. Eddie and Bill found Danny and Kevin napping in the break room after watching the somewhat less than thrilling ending to the bull’s shopping escapade. The farmer had merely retrieved the bull from the mall as it was window- shopping outside LL Bean. No blood, no mayhem, and no impaled shoppers. Danny and Kevin were terribly disappointed and decided to rest their eyes for a bit. Eddie and Bill now woke them and after some mild screaming and much profanity, Kevin and Danny returned to the work area.

  “Och och aye noo 'at a' fowk is haur, we can begin, Ah hiner ye don’t feel embarrassed by th' fact 'at ye tois kept a' fowk waitin'?”

  “No, I never get embarrassed” began Kevin in his most effective lecturing tone. “I have a rare defect that makes me incapable of feeling embarrassed. It is passed down through my father’s side of the family. Throughout the ages the Montgomery’s have carried this dominant gene called the nunquam embarazar disambiguation. My great- great- grandfather was known far and wide for his talent for non -embarrassment and made a small fortune in several traveling circuses as”

  “Alrecht, alrecht haud yer weesht awreddy,” Brian interupted. “Jist gang stain wi' th' others. Awe rite a' fowk we ur gonnae start aff th' day wi' some warm up exercises. Exercise gits th' bluid movin'. Yoo’re aw flabby an' wheezy.”

  “Hey those were our radio names in college, I was Flabby, and Kevin was Wheezy. We did the morning drive before our classes at the local radio station,” whispered Danny to Frank, a senior chemist in the lab.

  Poor Frank was too mortified to react to this latest witticism from Danny. He was still absorbing this newest wrinkle in the routine of his usually orderly day. Frank was the go-to guy in the lab not only because he was the senior man, but also because he was one of the most helpful guys in the company. Unfortunately, regarding today's newest bombshell Frank was not built for exercise. He was a foodie and had the physique of a boiled potato. Frank was a prize-winning fifty-year-old boiled potato a biscuit away from 300 pounds with silvery gray hair. He was a genius not only in the lab but the kitchen. Frank was forever trying out new recipes and would bring in samples for everyone to try. At the moment he was breakfastin
g on homemade biscuits and trying out an original egg casserole recipe. Eddie, Bill, and Philip were moving toward Frank in an ever-increasing tightening circle like hyenas on a hunt. In this particular case, the hyenas were hunting an egg and spinach casserole.

  As usual, no one was paying attention to Brian. When Frank saw Brian’s gaze fall on him, he raised his fork in an egg and spinach casserole salute, the hyenas following the fork with all eyes. There were occasional whimpers and stomach growls from the group, but they were holding out for Frank’s expected invitation to come and share his meal. But Frank was still trying to process the words “daily”, and “exercise”, and forgot about sharing. He kept shoveling the casserole into his own mouth hoping the bad news would go away along with that silly little man.

  Brian, however, was not going to go away and lost it completely when he realized he had absolutely zero attention from the group. In fact, he forgot to use his fake accent and reverted to his midwestern twang, which caught everyone's attention. Several people thought someone else had entered the room and looked past Brian when he shouted, "Listen, you flabby, cholesterol ridden morons, I am going to start you on a program of carefully selected calisthenics, and we are going to do them every morning even if it kills you!"

  This was greeted by shocked silence until Simone broke everyone out of their dazed condition by shrieking, “Don’t be ridiculous!”

  Simone looked like a Victoria's Secret model with her perfect body, face, and hair. Even in her lab coat, Simone a five foot nine dark-skinned black woman looked stunning. Her makeup and nails were always impeccable, and she walked like someone who just graduated from finishing school. Simone had only one teeny, tiny, slight imperfection, and not everyone thought it was a flaw. She had the personality of a trial lawyer, politician and lobbyist rolled into one. She loved to argue. She was incredibly knowledgeable about almost every topic imaginable and could talk circles around anyone even if she didn’t know what she was talking about. If anyone dared enter into an argument or debate with Simone, they would soon be turned into a sobbing heap of sweat and drool. Most recovered within an hour or so, but there were a few unfortunate bastards who refused to admit to defeat, and still suffered from nervous twitches and loss of speech when coming in contact with her again.

  Simone looked Brian squarely in the eye and told him again in case he hadn't heard her the first time, "No. There is no way I am jumping around and getting sweaty. I am not appropriately dressed for any type of calisthenics. I could injure myself while doing your ridiculous little workout. Unless you can show me a certificate proving to me that you have a degree in Kinesiology or at least a PEK certificate, I will pass."

  Brian responded as he did in all panic situations; he pretended everything was fine and continued on.“Noo a' fowk stain shoolder length apart. We’ll start wi' jumpin' jacks.” He then began randomly jumping around with what he thought was Olympic type athletic prowess, but to the casual observer, he appeared to be having a seizure or had possibly come into contact with a live wire. A few of the employees started jumping around, but Frank took the least aerobic approach of standing on his tiptoes and clapping. He then fell to the floor crying, “Leg cramp!” Several others took his cue and followed suit.

  Kevin looked at Frank on the floor, clutched his stomach, grimaced and cried out, "Menstrual cramps!" All heads swivel toward Kevin as Danny hissed at him, “You dumb fuck, you can’t have menstrual cramps you’re a guy.”

  “Yes I can. In fact, it’s a very heavy flow day, and I’m going to need lots of chocolate and Midol, stat.”

  Kevin then grabbed hold of Simone’s hand and crept out of the room. After she asked, “Are your breasts tender?” giggling and snorting could be heard as they escaped down the hall.

  When Brian paused his flailing jacks regimen, he looked at his team and saw bodies strewn all over the room. Groans were emanating from the employees who were holding different parts of their anatomy, claiming injury. A smaller group was gathered around Frank and his casserole where less groaning and more, yummy mmmm sounds were heard.

  Brian looked at his watch and declared to no one, “Guid start a' fowk. Enaw fur the-day, Ah jist hae a body hin' left oan th' agenda.” However by this point everyone was slowly creeping toward their workstations. Brian kept droning on and went into his next spiel about the latest product Lexi hoped to unveil. The most recent creation was going to be a long-lasting foundation with wrinkle cream.

  “A few mair ingredients an' miracle claims an' we can caa it a combo an' triple th' price!” Brian laughed. As usual, he was the only one laughing at his joke. He wheezed during stressful situations or in the place of laughing causing more than one person to believe he was having an asthma attack. Brian had no sense of humor and usually only laughed when one of his superiors made a joke and those around him start laughing. This was his cue to start wheezing.

  Considering that they had a stressful morning involving a nearby brush with physical activity, Danny and Kevin decided a short work day was in order. They were hurriedly putting away their equipment and failed to notice Brian sidle up until he was upon them.

  “What is this?” he asked as he held up a flyer with colorful diagrams on it.

  “It looks like a very informative flyer regarding a possible dangerous pathogen that has been featured in several programs lately. Very timely and instructive, wouldn’t you say?” Danny asked Kevin as he shoved several Game Players magazines into a lab drawer and nearly severed his fingers in the process.

  “Oh, yes. I think there should be more informative”

  “Stop you, morons!” Brian turned so serious that he forgot his fake Highland accent and lectured them in his normal annoying voice. “This is a flyer that was posted and describes the different stages of zombies, and what precautions to take in case of zombie contact. Where do you think I found this? This is not regulation material. I found this posted next door in the NMR lab. This room is not for your amusement. Those warnings are there are to prevent accidents. The Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Spectroscopy is a costly piece of equipment to analyze samples. If one is not careful.”

  “Yes, yes, we know we read all the scary flyers in there. We know all the precautions. Now if you excuse us, Kevin and I have to go to the supply room and replenish.”

  “Stop. Ur time is up with your project Brin' everythin' ye hae regardin' th' formula tae th' board room oan Monday an' make yer presentation as ah mentioned in mah lest several emails.” Brian had returned to his make believe homeland and continued on in his Scottish whine, “This is a momentoos occasion, th' breakthroogh I’ve bin lookin' fur 'at will send me spiralin' up th' ladder.”

  “I don't think you can spiral up a ladder," interjected Kevin, but Laddie was on a roll and kept on speaking to the wall, trance-like. "Ah will be in a corner office; mah coopon will be oan billboards athwart th' coontry. I'll be in print ads an' be oan national gab shows talkin' abit mah stoatin discovery.” Brian suddenly came down to earth saw Kevin and Danny and muttered something about the, “wee fowk fa contributed tae th' day tae day operation an' hoo ah cooldnae hae dain it withit them. Dorn’t forgit nine a.m. sharp in th' boardroom a' fowk frae th' president oan doon will be thaur includin' th' majur stockholders. Dorn’t fuck it up.”

  Danny and Kevin had been confident they were working on a long-term project that would go on for years with a lot of goof off time. They figured an hour or two of work and several hours of Words with Friends and Candy Crush followed by tinkering on their own inventions and then breaking for a leisurely lunch. They really didn’t concern themselves with such things as research and/ or development, but there had been some test trials.

  Now reassigned as formulation chemists for Lexi Corp. they had to observe test trials. The last test trial on one of their long-lasting wrinkle creams had to be cut short. The wrinkle cream was tested thoroughly, but results were not as promising as they had appeared in the lab. Test subjects had been plentiful since there are always those willing to
try out makeup and take home free samples. These volunteers had been encouraged to use the cream in generous amounts. After several hours of trying various products, one of the test subjects, Claire Morton, used Danny and Kevin’s wrinkle cream foundation, and it fell off in one clump, causing the test panel to freak out as they thought Claire’s entire face had fallen off. She was none too pleased with the results either as the cream pulled off most of her facial hair along with the makeup. While everyone involved in the test trial was temporarily stunned, Danny and Kevin mumbled something about having left their Bunsen burners on in the lab and nearly pulled off the doorknob fleeing the viewing room. A faint cry of, "Must turn off equipment or there could be an imminent explosion" could be heard faintly down the hall followed by the slamming of doors. Ten minutes later Lexi's legal team slithered into the testing room, and Claire was told she just had a free facial peel and now looked ten years younger. She was then packed off with $300.00 worth of free makeup and skin care products, but not before Lexi Corp. had her sign a release of liability form, which was then safely tucked away by the legal division.

  Jennifer Warren, who tried a watered down version of the foundation, fared slightly better. A flaking effect made her face look like a maple tree in late autumn shedding its last leaves, or as Lexi's French consultant blurted out “La tombee des feuilles.” After meeting with one of Lexi's smooth-talking lawyers, Ms. Warren also went home with a goody package.

  The company promised its biggest client that Lexi Cosmetics was on the verge of a breakthrough mainly due to Danny and Kevin. They’d had small success with a product that worked for a short period of time. The company failed to mention that vast quantities of the expensively-produced product was required to produce any beneficial effect whatsoever: the product only worked on an infinitesimal section of skin, no matter how extensively it had been applied and the results could only be seen under a magnifying glass.