Beautiful Disaster

by C. J.

  “As wonderful as that all was, could we get to the point, the meeting?” asked Kevin.

  “Wait! We put you up in a hotel too. What did you get us from there, Mags?” asked Danny.

  “Well, I thought ahead and packed an extra bag just for that—” Maggie began..

  “Stop! Kevin shouted. “For the love of God, would the two of you just stop? We need to stay on track. What happened at the meeting with the cosmetic companies? Did Bond come through? Were there enough companies there to start some serious bidding? Most importantly, did we give you enough formula to use for the demonstration but not enough for them to steal?”

  “Yes. Hasn’t Bond contacted you yet? They seemed to be getting into a bidding frenzy when I left. Bond said he would handle things as it could take some time to get the deal put together on his side, etc.,” said Maggie.

  “A bidding frenzy? That sounds promising, right, Kev?” asked Danny as he gave Maggie a big hug.

  “Oh, the entire day was very emotional. I wish I did know Chinese. As you know, I only brought a small sample of the formula. At the meeting, they decided to try the sample out on three people, but only small areas of skin. One person had a scar, the second a birthmark, and the third, this was so sad, had a burn mark on her face. I could tell she was very sensitive about it. I made sure she was the first person I put the formula on and covered the entire area of her burn, and then I put the rest on the other two subjects. We all stayed in the room. They weren’t allowed to eat or drink anything and had to stay apart from each other and everyone else. For the next several minutes, I spoke to the people Bond had gathered and talked a little about myself and how as a hobby I tinkered around with cosmetic experiments and hair products. A receptionist came in to ask if we wanted any refreshments when the scarred dude started shouting and pointing at the woman with the burn. She immediately freaked out, as would anybody when somebody starts shouting and pointing at you. I don’t think he was making any sense to anyone, despite the fact everyone but me spoke Chinese. He must have been yelling his version of ‘Oh my God’ or something. Anyway, we all surrounded this poor woman. They never did tell me her name. I wish they had because I’d have liked to keep in touch. She was so sweet and brave to have sat in that room, with all of us observing her like some sort of lab rat.”

  “Baby, dearest, love of my life. Could you possibly get to the fucking point, please? Danny pleaded.

  “Oh right, yes. Nothing like starting a story, getting everybody wound up, and then veering off-track,” Maggie said.

  “Oh God, oh God, she’s trying to spare us bad news. The formula we gave her melted that poor lady’s face off, like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc, right? We are fucked, aren’t we?” wailed Danny as he paced back and forth wringing his hands like an old lady.

  “Danny, pull yourself together. Remember a few minutes ago when Maggie said that there was a bidding war. Why would they be in a bidding war for face melting cream? Unless....Jesus, they want to buy the formula and use it as some sort of weapon. When that woman’s face melted off, did it take all the tissue and muscle or just the first few layers of the epidermis?” asked Kevin as he grabbed Maggie’s arm in a vise-like grip.

  “It melted everything to the bone, and then the skull started to develop pockmarks as if it too were being eaten by the formula,” whispered Maggie.

  She then bent over, her entire body heaving and shaking.

  “Maggie, oh Maggie what have we done, we’ve become terrorists! How can we live with ourselves now?” Kevin moaned as he gently patted Maggie’s back.

  Danny stopped pacing and looked at Maggie closely. “Kevin, you idiot, Maggie’s not crying, she’s laughing.”

  “She’s hysterical then. Should I slap her?” Kevin asked.

  “You do and you’ll be sporting a hook for the rest of your life,” snapped Maggie, wiping away tears as she straightened up.

  “I guess we may have jumped the gun a little on what transpired with the woman in the test. Why don’t you proceed and we will let you finish,” suggested Kevin.

  “Agreed,” said Danny

  “OK. Now where was I? Yes, right, so, the scar guy was pointing and screaming at the burn woman, and she was freaking out. We all gathered around. Her face was beautiful. I mean she was cute, to begin with, burn mark and all, but as you guys know, with the formula she became something more. Her face was flawless, and she was positively glowing. She didn’t know that and was still freaked out. I had a mirror in my purse so I let her look and she couldn’t believe what she saw. She did the cutest thing. I don’t think she believed it was her in the mirror, so she kept waving her hand in front of the mirror to prove to herself that it was her reflection looking back at her. When she did that, I lost it and began crying. She looked at me bawling away and started to cry too. Luckily at this incredibly awkward moment, the other two test subjects remembered why they were there and checked their scar and birthmark and started chattering away. The scar and birthmark had completely disappeared. Luckily it’s all on camera. There were still cameras set up in the room and a cameraman roaming around as well. I also thought to take before and after photos and also had a teeny video camera in my bag aimed at the woman. I was hoping to see the formula in action so to speak.”

  “Thank God Teaberry’s, or rather, your old discarded formula is extremely slow acting. It takes ages for results, like all the rest of those other products.”

  “Several weeks of use will show incredible results,” Danny said in his deep announcer voice. Teaberry’s ads say hours, but the commercials don’t say how many hours, 36, 72, 200?”

  “Yes thank goodness for that. That’s what sets us apart from Teaberry. China couldn’t believe how fast our formula worked,” said Maggie.

  “Wow, we will have to study that video right away. You did a fantastic job as usual, Maggie. We definitely sent the right person on this mission,” Kevin said, giving Maggie a quick peck on the check.

  “Hear, hear, time to break out the bubbly!” declared Danny, who then wrapped up Maggie in a rib-crushing hug.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  THE UNIVERSITY’S LEGAL department served Tranwrach paperwork claiming ownership of the formula given he’d signed a non-disclosure agreement. Teaberry was also served notice that the university had sole proprietorship of the formula as Tranwrach was in their employ. Tranwrach, thinking his paperwork was an advertisement, threw it out. Teaberry, through their team of lawyers, promptly filed a barrage of incomprehensible legalese at the university’s lawyers.

  Tranwrach went back to work and continued to set small fires at the university. He was still being interviewed, but now mostly for the entertainment value. It became a game of sorts between the print media and the news media to see which could make him mispronounce the simplest words, or if he would faint and/or vomit out of sheer terror during the interview.

  Currently, Tranwrach was beside himself with joy and terror. In his office was Jason Cranston of Scientific American, interviewing him about his marvelous formula. Ever since the announcement from Teaberry, Tranwrach referred to the formula as his. Well at least to himself or under his breath at Teaberry, when people were out of earshot.

  During his interview Cranston, almost hit the daily double of mispronunciation and vomit when Tranwrach said “spearmint” instead of “experiment.” When he caught himself, he felt his university lunch special, the “Mexican Manwhich,” traveling up through his unfortunate esophagus. He froze as he always did in such situations, hoping for a miracle, and saw Cranston watching him in a slightly gleeful manner while simultaneously inching his chair backward. Tranwrach thought to himself, Jason Cranston, I’m sitting here with Jason Cranston, who is interviewing me for Scientific American, I need to, get a grip on myself. All systems went into pause mode, then reverse, and finally normal working operations for his body, such as it was.

  Tranwrach suddenly felt confident, and articulate. When he started talking again, he began to make actual se
nse. When he used hand gestures, he didn’t flap about or break anything. At one point he stood up and began pacing talking about the actual formula and its ingredients.

  Cranston had become momentarily interested in the transformation of Dr. Jerky and Mr. Fraidy Pants. But interest, soon turned to boredom when Tranwrach moved on to blabbing about his university days like some old tycoon giving his memoirs. But wait... what was this? Blabbermouth was giving out ingredients. Cranston threw a pen at his cameraman, Philip, who usually lapsed into a coma during these interviews and motioned for him to start videotaping. After only three sharpies were thrown at his head, Philip roused and started filming.

  Trainwrach was in full rant now, “Aspirin, now wasn’t that an all-natural ingredient found in the wilds of well, the wilds. It was outdoors and not in a lab is my point. Like all the ingredients in this formula,.....almond oil and honey, mint leaves with lime juice and rose water, vitamin E, castor oil, and grapefruit seed oil, umm a variety of oils, coconut, sunflower, rosemary essential. Natural fruit extracts from custard-apple, also called bears heart, mango fruit, and strawberries, aloe in gel and liquid form.”

  “ And that is all of them? How can that be?” asked Cranston.

  “Well no, the binder, so to speak, is very common in cosmetics. Nanotechnology found in all the high-end products. Basically, you just go to a combo grocery, store drug store, buy the ingredients in the fruit aisle and then get yourself a bottle of face cream or even sunscreen and tah dah, miracle cream! Certain plants react to each other and, boy, these babies really react to each other......but I’ve said too much. Teaberry doesn’t really want me getting too specific about the specifics, if you know what I mean. Oh, dear is that that the time? I have a sophomore chemistry class to teach. It’s been a great interview. Keep that bit about the ingredients under your hat. It’s a bit hush-hush if you know what I mean.”

  Tranwrach did notice that as they left the room, Cranston and Philip were twirling each other around and chest bumping.

  Wow, I must have really impressed them with my technical knowledge. Yes, you’ve got the hang of interviewing now you'll be eating their hands now or something to that effect, he thought to himself. He nearly skipped down the hall to his next class but wasn’t sure how to skip, so he just sort of hopped down the hallway for a few feet with a big grin on his face.

  Cranston and Phillip after making a stop at the nearest grocery store that carried fresh fruit and cosmetics, headed to their editor’s office, still grinning giddily.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  THE WORLD WASN’T ALMOST annihilated by crazies who pop out of hiding, see their shadow and hit a button that they never should have had access to. It wasn’t imploded by invisible particles banging into each other without so much as an introduction Instead, the world was almost destroyed, by something natural for God’s sake. Fruits and green leaves. The Mom mantra, “no cookies or candy, have a piece of fruit instead.”

  There was a time when stories were double-checked for facts, and if someone was interviewed, they were also checked to make sure they weren’t a walk away from the nearest padded mattress outlet and if they were, that fact would at least be mentioned somewhere in the story. Unfortunately, those days are gone, long gone. Within minutes of Tranwrach’s diarrhea of the mouth, fruit sales and face cream sales skyrocketed, along with senseless pandemonium. In certain parts of the world, there was no change in the senseless violence other than various fruit being added to the mix.

  At the university, a small riot broke out around the cafeteria’s salad bar. After security had been called and the remaining fruit had been shoved into backpacks, bras, and down pants, six students were taken to the infirmary for broken fingers, bloody noses, and one ripped earlobe. The missing piece of flesh and earring attached thereto were still being searched for in the three bean salad by university security.

  Maggie asked one of the bean salad search team members what the hell was going on. He informed, “There was a breaking news story about just discovered fountain of youth formula. Apparently, the ingredients are fruit and some other green leafy stuff, and they gave out the exact receipt on the air. I bet it’s like any other fad diet or face cream. Probably make you break out into purple spots. Hey, does this look like part of an earlobe or a string bean to you?”

  “Bean” Maggie replied faintly and raced out of the cafeteria.

  “Danny?” breathed Maggie into the phone after sprinting all the way from the cafeteria to her office, leaving the bean salad search team member continuing his lengthy conversation with the salad bar’s sneeze shield before realizing she had fled the area.

  “Yes?”

  “We're fucked.”

  “What, right now, Mag’s. Where are you?”

  “Damn, will you pay attention! I’m saying we are fucked. Have you seen the news? Somehow the formula, and all its ingredients, including the nanotechnology, was leaked. Did we get the money from the Chinese? Are we good?

  Hello? Danny? Are you still there? Did you forget to breathe? Is Kevin there? If Kevin is there, hand him the phone.”

  “Hello, Maggie? Why isn’t Danny breathing? What happened? Is it good news or bad news?” asked Kevin

  “Hit Danny so he'll start breathing again,” Maggie told Kevin.

  “Oww!”

  “Good. Thanks, Kevin. Someone leaked the formula, all of it. People everywhere are buying fruit and the other natural ingredients. They are buying the formula’s ingredients in droves, plus anything that has nanotechnology in it. It’s not my formula but its close and should show similar effects. I think we are fucked,” wailed Maggie.

  Nothing heard but wheezing.

  “Oh, great. Kevin find a paper bag and breathe into it. One doesn’t breathe, and the other breathes too much. You complement each other perfectly. Idiots, I’m surrounded by idiots...oh, my God, that’s who it had to be! The supreme idiot, Trainwreck. Who would be dumb enough to spill the entire formula, but Trainwreck? I wonder how long it will be before Teaberry distributes his body parts into a new makeup product. Trainwreck body gel, with glitter. Okay, am I talking to myself or has one of you managed to gain control of your breathing?” asked Maggie

  “Okay, I’m here. Danny had curled himself up into a fetal position. The, um, Chinese green is safe. I spread it around as soon as it arrived for tax purposes as well as an HFD moment such as this but I didn’t think it would hit this soon.”

  “What’s HFD?”

  “Huge fucking disaster.”

  “Ah, well spoken.”

  “Are you watching the news?”

  “I’m trying not to.”

  “This thing has gone global. There are fruit riots everywhere.”

  “Ha ha, fruit riots. That’s funny on so many levels,” commented Danny

  “Ah, so you’ve come back to life Danny, during the more inane moments of the conversation,” Maggie muttered.

  “It’s just so great visually. Are there actually pieces of fruit rioting? And if so, do they have weapons?”

  “Oh go back to your fetal position, Danny. We have to let the Chinese know that the formula now running rampant is close to ours but not exactly like ours. I hope they see that distinction and don’t send out a death squad.”

  “Death squad?”

  “Danny, stop squeaking, it’s unbecoming.”

  “Actually that was me, Maggie. I thought we might receive a stern letter from their lawyers, but death squad...” Kevin continued in a high-pitched voice.

  “Get ahold of your Bond or Bourne friend and make sure they understand. Hey, hey, hey, I know!” shouted Maggie.

  “Stop screaming into the phone and spill, Maggie” Kevin shouted back.

  “First I’ll make the formula that has been leaked with the ingredients and some random face cream and see how the results compare. It has to be much weaker than ours, I hope,” Maggie said with her fingers crossed.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  SURROUNDED BY EVERY sort of art
ery-clogging fast food, Maggie, Danny, and Kevin were video conferencing with “Bond” in China on a scrambled phone line.

  In between bites of a cheeseburger and a taco, Kevin managed a muffled “All right, I’ve been doing some research on the do it yourself cream with Bond, and this is what we have so far.” He pushed back from the table, attempted to burp silently into a napkin, and failed.

  “Dude,” Danny cried out in a shock filled voice, there is a lady present.”

  “Sorry.” Another not so silent burp. “ Again, so very sorry. The leaked formula varied depending on the quality of the produce and face cream but is literally available to nearly everyone on the planet. The results come fast or slow depending on the quality of ingredients, but eventually, they come to everyone who tries it. It does make one younger looking, repairs flaws, and makes it harder for a person to die. But it is still very much a watered down version of the original formula we accidentally whipped up at Lexi. Ready-made products like the one sold to the Chinese are semi-successful in outlying areas, where all the ingredients can’t be found, but they’re sold dirt cheap. However, they make up for these lowball prices by charging outrageous prices to spas and high-end beauty stores, which then pad these ridiculous prices before the products are sold to the super rich, who certainly aren’t going to make their own formula.” Kevin finished, slightly spraying his friends with a blend of fast food.

  “So far I’ve been able to keep our friends here somewhat calm.” Bond informed. I let them know that the leaked formula is a very watered down version of what was sold to them. I encouraged them to make their own formula using the leaked information and see for themselves. Thankfully they are all wealthy and have never had to make their own bed let alone make a formula, and their formulas turned out horrible. When they had someone else make the cream to the specs given by the Tranwrach idiot, it didn’t turn out much better. Our friends are not happy there are do it yourself kits out there, but I told them it’s to their marketing staffs to put scare tactics and advertise that their products are not only better, but safer.”