Beautiful Disaster

by C. J.

  Danny and Kevin watched as the chemist emerged from one of the bedrooms carrying a half-empty bottle of Grey Goose. He ventured out into the central part of the house and walked gingerly amongst the debris. He looked like he was headed toward the kitchen exit when he saw the binders still on the counter and relatively undamaged. He was balancing the last three-ring binder in his left arm and was reaching for the bottle of vodka when a SWAT team charged through the front door and descended upon the kitchen. The chemist yelped in terror, then attempted to regain his dignity. “Who the hell are you?” he yelled just as another armed SWAT team surrounded him from the other direction. He squawked again in terror dropped the vodka bottle and all the binders except for one, which he clutched to his chest. The team searched him for weapons and when he was found to be armed with nothing more lethal than nail clippers, he was asked who he was and what he was doing in this house.

  There was a lengthy 30 seconds, of furtive eye movement, streaming forehead sweat, and flapping hand gestures before he said, “I am Brian Conner, lab manager and lead chemist of Lexi Corp.”

  “Is that supposed to mean something?”

  “I’m an important man doing important work,” he said as he yanked a binder away from a SWAT team member who was leafing through it.

  “What the fuck?” yelled Danny.

  Mr. Millwood hit pause, glared at Danny and then hit play.

  “So, this is your house, and those formulas in those binders are your work? Is that what you’re saying?”

  Conner paused momentarily and then replied, “Yes most definitely, and I demand them back.”

  “Excuse me a moment.” With that, the lead SWAT team member exited through the kitchen hole. He returned moments later and motioned to his fellow members toward Conner and then toward the front door. Conner was relieved of his binder and was essentially carried out of the house, swearing alternately in a Scottish accent and his midwestern twang, legs flailing in a cycling motion.

  Kevin and Danny looked at the iPad and each other, back at the screen, and then at Mr. Millwood.

  “What the fuck just happened?” asked Danny

  “A gift from heaven,” replied Mr. Millwood. “When such gifts appear out of nowhere, you don’t question them; you give them a quick embrace and act on them immediately before they disappear. When the leader of the SWAT team informed me of what we just saw thanks to your video system, I knew we had just been given a wonderful gift in the form of a ...I’m at a loss for words.”

  “An idiotic, narcissist, from planet moron,” suggested Kevin.

  “Yes, quite apt, thank you. When Conner said those were his formulas, he might just as well have said. ‘Please make me your scapegoat for all the formulas that went horribly wrong and place all the blame on me.’ So in a nutshell, that’s what we did. Luckily you had covered your tracks regarding the ownership of the house, and it will be easy enough to place Conner’s name onto the title of the property. I also took the liberty of removing your video system from the house. We wouldn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands now, would we?”

  CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE

  A NEW FORMULA WAS BORN a short 18 months after Theodore Boston was incarcerated. This formula, born in a lab, deep underground, entered the world quickly as cosmetics don’t have to pass FDA regulations. The FDA just monitors their use. Scary, isn’t it?

  Unlike the original formula, it wasn’t as sexy and didn’t erase all flaws, but it did save lives. When applied, it worked immediately and eliminated all the nanotechnology similar to the innate and adaptive immune systems our bodies use to fight bacteria or viruses. The melting malady stopped, and as with the first formula, a side effect began to emerge.

  Bond called Kevin and asked him and everyone to Skype ASAP he had some exciting news.

  As everyone gathered around the monitor, they saw Bond with someone in a white coat.

  “What’s up, Bond?”

  “I’m here with Dr. Peng, oncologist with Fuda Hospital in China.”

  “Oh my God, Bond, I’m so sorry,” Kevin said while touching the screen with one hand.

  “No, no, it’s not me. I have some wonderful news. The formula we sold to the Chinese, the faster acting stronger formula, when it is combined with the new formula is doing something wonderful.”

  “Wait,” Danny interjected, “our original formula didn’t cause any meltdowns, so to speak.”

  “Yes, but a majority of the Chinese people felt they had better use the vaccine formula, as people were calling it, to be on the safe side, and something miraculous is occurring.”

  “What, what, what? For the love of God, what?” shouted Maggie.

  “Well as you may have been aware, the formula didn’t stop or cure cancer; rather it sort of put people in remission or slowed things down. But, but,” Bond stopped and paused put a hand on the doctor's shoulder, took a deep breath and said, “this vaccine not only goes after the nanotechnology, it goes after cancer cells and tumors.”

  “When you mean goes after?” Maggie asked in a very soft voice.

  “I mean destroys them without harming the patient. So far, no side effects. It destroys the cancer cells. They’ve done numerous scans on affected people. Gone. It’s like they’ve never had cancer. Oncologists are going crazy testing people. We are sending you everything we have so maybe you can put it all together in one formula.”

  Three months later

  Maggie was pacing nervously in the General Assembly Hall of the United Nations, in New York City waiting for Danny once again. After all, we’ve been through, and he can’t spare half a day to be me with me. She had unconsciously balled her hands into fists and had crumpled the corner of her itinerary into a twisted point. She was just untwisting the pages when an official in a dark suit with razor-sharp creases approached her. He cleared his throat looked pointedly at his watch and began to say in what Maggie felt was a condescending tone, “Ms. Penny.” However, the way he pronounced it, it sounded as though Penny had four e’s. “Ms. Peeeeny, the symposium will begin shortly. You will need...” Maggie never found out what she needed as the pompous crease was interrupted by

  “Maggie, there you are. I have been looking all over for you. Excuse me, sir, I just need to meet momentarily with my colleague and go over some important material. I knew you would understand, my good man,” Danny said as he directed tall dark and annoying toward the Economic and Social Council Chamber.

  “I can’t believe you made it” Maggie squealed, giving Danny a big hug and then noticed what he was carrying. “What’s in the bags?”

  “Survival gear, of course. You didn’t think I would come to a long-winded day regarding...” Danny grabbed Maggie’s brochure and read in a monotone, “An in-depth analysis of the past, and current economic, sociological and agricultural conditions and how they may contribute impact and or predict future conditions globally.”

  Maggie grabbed one of the bags out of Danny’s hands and thrust her hand inside.

  “Don’t pull anything out. Just look.”

  “Oh my, you are the most wonderful man in the world. These are the good ones with the large chocolate chips and the macadamia nuts. Ohhhhh, and the ones with peanut butter cups! You’ve outdone yourself. What’s in the other bag?”

  “Madlibs, crosswords, and our Kindles.”

  “I don’t think I have ever loved you more than I do at this moment, babe.”

  “Seriously it’s just junk food and Madlibs, babe.”

  “No, Danny it’s a sign.”

  “A sign of what? Ohhhh. Be right there, babe.” Danny pulled out his phone and said, “Hey Kev, we need to talk as soon as you’re done with your conference and me with mine. Yes, it’s important. Yeah, bye.” Danny put his phone away and ran after Maggie who had a big grin on her face.

  CHAPTER EIGHTY

  MAGGIE, DANNY, KEVIN and Melissa were watching the TV coverage about the miraculous breakthrough regarding their formula and the fight against cancer back in the house in N
ew Mexico. At one point, Maggie turned to Danny and asked, “So Daniel, with all this fanfare, how does it feel to be a hero?”

  “Unreal, very unreal. By the way, we’ve come up with a name for the formula. Kevin and Melissa agree it’s a great name.”

  Kevin and Melissa nodded in agreement.

  “And what would that be? Danny the Magnificent Super Formula?”

  “Hey, that is a good name, but no. We all agreed on this.”

  Danny reached behind the couch and handed Maggie a beautifully wrapped gift.

  “Oh my God, this is beautiful and not wrapped in the Sunday funnies either.” She kissed Danny on the check and opened the package. “This is lovely packaging, such a stylish jar. What does it say?”

  On a lid of the most recent formula was an enlarged shiny copper penny over which “A&J Penny” was embossed and under the penny was the Chinese character 壽.

  “What? Oh my, this is wonderful. Is this what I think it is? A&J, Arthur and Joyce? Mom and Dad? Oh. I can’t, I’m sorry.” with that Maggie collapsed against Danny sobbing.

  After several moments of sniffing and Danny cooing, “There, there,” Maggie composed herself. “I can’t thank you guys enough. What does the Chinese character mean?”

  “Longevity, it seemed appropriate,” answered Kevin.

  “Are you guys okay with the name being Penny, I mean people might think it’s me. I mean it was supposed to be me, but not in this case. Well, you know what I mean.”

  “Oh, I think I’ve taken care of that,” Danny said, and gave Kevin and Melissa a meaningful glance. They jumped up and gave vague excuses of why they had to leave the room.

  “That was weird, well, weirder than usual for them,” laughed Maggie. “What do you mean you’ve taken care of the confusion? You usually cause confusion.”

  Well, it’s simple. You change your name and no one will accuse you of solely taking credit for the new formula.”

  “Change my name? Change my name to what, Humpersink? It’s funny for awhile but not for a lifetime. What are you doing on your knees? Did you drop something? Danny, are you okay? You look awful. You’re all sweaty and pale.

  Danny took a deep breath, shifted his position on the floor, took another deep breath and gushed, “Magdalene Elizabeth Penny, ever since you have known me, I have been an irresponsible crazy mad scientist wanna-be inventor. I immediately fell in love with you when you caught me stealing university equipment and told me if I was going to steal, to steal the good equipment, not the crappy stuff students use. From that day on I thought at some point our love would reach a peak and things would just be good, but each day and every moment of every single day that I’m with you makes me love you more and more. Will you do me the honor of being my crazy, irresponsible mad scientist wife in good times and bad, and even in the monotonous and boring?” With a flourish, Danny pulled out a velvet box he had in his jeans pocket and opened it.

  Maggie’s eyes filled with tears. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. She fell to her knees in front of Danny and gave him a bone-jarring hug, which caused them both to fall to the floor.

  “Yes, yes, yes,” sobbed Maggie.

  A scream came from the bedroom area, causing near-fatal injury to Danny’s nether regions as Maggie bolted upright. “What the hell was that?”

  “It’s alright. Kevin was also going to pop the question to Melissa shortly after I did. I think that was a happy scream.”

  Melissa came sprinting into the room holding a jewelry box over her head like an Olympic torch and shouting “Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!” Kevin followed behind with enormous grin on his face.

  “You know, if I had thought things through, I would’ve had you pop the question an hour after I did,” sighed Danny as he tucked his shirt back into his pants.

  “Yes, well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t get any either,” Kevin said, still with a massive grin on his face.

  Danny looked at Maggie and asked, “What is it, babe? You haven’t changed your mind already, have you? You’re staring off into space.”

  “You know for a while now, ever since we left that decoy house I have had the feeling we’ve forgotten something,”

  “I’m sure you’ll remember eventually. It probably wasn’t important.”

  AFTERWARD

  MEANWHILE BACK AT THE IT lab (Audi Q7)

  (Or, hey, what happened to the Geeks)

  After seeing the garage doors being blown and what appeared to be a SWAT team descending on the house, Alex made the executive decision to get the hell out of Dodge. Unfortunately, his co-workers, who were usually snail-like in making decisions had come to the same conclusion. There was a mad scramble to the front seat. Cody made it to the driver’s seat first as Jeremy and Alex had forgotten to unplug their headsets, and both were jerked back when they made their lunge for the front.

  “Shotgun!” shouted Jeremy and Alex. After a minor pushing and slap fighting and Alex pushed past Jeremy and clamored over the front seat to sit beside Cody.

  Cody, who’d been adjusting the seat and mirrors while Alex and Jeremy had been screaming at each other and yelling at him to get them “the fuck out of here!” started screaming.

  Alex and Jeremy immediately went silent, with Alex apologizing to Cody, “Sorry Cody, I didn’t mean to upset you, but I thought we should use the utmost speed in leaving here before we are discovered and possibly shot or arrested.”

  Cody had gone silent and was pointing in Alex’s direction. Alex was also going to encourage movement from Cody in the form of starting the engine and hitting the accelerator when he saw something move just outside his window.

  Jeremy apparently saw whatever was alongside Alex’s window too because he began screaming, “Lock the doors, lock the doors, get the hell...!”

  By the time Alex and Cody found the door locks, which were on the center console, Alex’s door had opened.

  “Oh God, it’s the Crypt Keeper!” Cody screamed, turned the key in the ignition and floored it. Unfortunately, he had put the SUV into neutral, so it only made a lovely revving noise.

  Alex, who was closest to the creature which that was now mere inches from his face, saw a human-shaped thing with massive wrinkles on a skeleton frame. If a skeleton could have wrinkles, than living proof was breathing down Alex’s neck. Every time the creature took a breath, Alex heard this awful sloshy raspy sound as if the thing’s lungs were filled with wet sand.

  “You nerds weren’t leaving, were you?” the thing rasped.

  “Go, just go!” Jeremy wailed from the back, bouncing up and down on his seat.

  An arm in a shredded sleeve rose, followed by the thunderous crack of a gunshot that reverberated in the confined space of the SUV. The shot traveled past both Alex and Cody and skimmed the trim of the driver’s side open window as it exited.

  “Now that I have your attention,” the voice gurgled at the slightly deafened occupants. The gurgle was followed by a snort and phlegmy retching sounds. The thing turned its head and displayed long gray strings of hair coming from a red and pink scalp, which resembled the terrain of an active volcano, with inflamed cracks scattered over a barren landscape. The thing then spat a large black piece of something spongy onto the desert floor. More gurgling and rasping was followed by, a whispery crackle that sounded like, “Pardon me, that wasn’t ladylike, was it?” The creature jerked back and forth and made even weirder hacking noises. It was either having a seizure or laughing.

  Jeremy took this opportunity to open his door and vomit into some bear grass shrubs growing next to the SUV. As he leaned out the door a hand that was more bone than skin grabbed him and pulled him out of the SUV where he landed in a heap on the desert floor. Ms. Skeletor made another phlegmy slushy sound and rattled, what sounded like, “Sorry, four is a crowd.” The thing then used Jeremy as a step and climbed into the Audi’s back seat. More croaking and rattling came from the skull, and the thing gurgled, “As soon as you find the appropriate gear, nerd, we can ge
t out of here. I’m not myself, but I’m not stupid. Do as I say and we will all live through this.” It then slammed the car door shut and patted Cody’s shoulder. Cody and Alex look at each other, at Cody’s shoulder where the thing had touched him, and then back at each other.

  Cody began chanting, “Get it off, get it off, get it off.” Alex found a rag in the glove compartment and snagged some clumps off Cody’s shoulder. Before he threw the rag out the window, Alex looked at it to double-check what he thought he’d seen on Cody’s shoulder. He wished he hadn’t as the contents of the cloth would haunt his dreams the rest of his days. On the rag were two complete fingernails and a section of skin approximately an inch in length that was now curling up at the ends. The nails and the fragment of skin were charcoal black in color.

  “Driver, let’s go, I’m not going to ask again,” came the wet rattling wheeze from the back seat.

  After several tries, Cody finally found the correct gear, and the Audi set off into the desert.

  After several miles, Alex finally found the courage to speak and managed to squeak, “It is you, isn’t it, Suzanne? What happened back there?

  More horrible retching noises originated from the back seat. Alex could feel the foul thing’s breath on his neck when it replied, “Yes, it’s me. Let’s just say, I’m glad they opted for the industrial-sized dryer.”

  Works Cited

  U.S. WORLD POPULATION Clock U.S. Census Bureau

  Wikipedia, Pixte.com top 12 places you’re not allowed to visit in the world

  U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services

  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Chinese_Famine

  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubonic plague

  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gyrojet

  http://tribalemployee.blogspot.com/2013/03/navajo-last-names.html