Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  “Thanks, Zach. I will start tomorrow finding a job. Even if it is cleaning toilets, I will take it so at least then I can get out of your hair. I don’t want to hold up your project.” I could tell she also had something else she wanted to say but wasn’t sure how to approach it.

  “Um, Zach-do you think you could wait a week or so for this week’s rent? Just until I can find a job. It will be hard to pay it and get food with only half a week’s pay. I hate to ask, but I am kind of desperate.” Those tears were back rimming, her eyes. A face of embarrassment and desperation was looking back at me.

  “Oh Emily, sorry! I forgot to say everything when I gave you the paperwork, what with Sophia vomiting when I arrived. Because we are evicting you, there is no more rent payable until you move out. Also, the bond money will be deposited into your bank account tomorrow.” I had totally made all of that up on the spot, but it brought a small smile to her face.

  She took a breath for the first time in a while. I would deposit the rent into the landlord’s account tomorrow, so he didn’t hassle her for it. Emily and my family would be none the wiser.

  “Zach, I don’t know what to say. That is such a relief. I don’t have much saved after my last landlord kept my bond because I wouldn’t do him favors to offset the rent increase.”

  “What the hell did you just say?” I could tell my voice was raised and my blood pressure was rising rapidly. “Did he touch you or hurt you? What about the kids, he didn’t do anything to them, did he? I want the address and his name, there is no way he is getting away with treating you like that.” I was trying to get my voice under control but this overwhelming sense of protection that seemed to be sitting on my shoulders since I walked through the front door made me ready to kill this guy.

  “It’s okay, Zach. Calm down, I handled it. I know how to look after myself and the kids, I have been doing it for years. That is why we moved out straight away and came here. I am a big girl. Don’t worry, they would have to kill me first before I let anyone hurt the kids. I can handle what life throws at me. It’s what I’ve always done.”

  Her jaw was up, her shoulders were back and her spine straight. Emily was showing how strong she was. Little did she know she didn’t have to prove anything to me. I saw all of that in her eyes.

  “But you shouldn’t have to. Emily, while you are being strong for the kids, who is looking after you and making sure you are okay?”

  Shit, I think I said the wrong thing. Emily pushed back hard on the chair and it scraped the floor with that awful noise that made your skin shiver, like fingernails dragging down a blackboard.

  “I don’t need anyone, Zach! You don’t know me or anything about me, so don’t waltz in here starting to think you do.” Her voice was raised, and the tears were gone. Emily the fighter had now arrived in the room and look out, she was ready to get on with it!

  “Wow, Emily. I didn’t mean anything by it, I was concerned about you. Please don’t get upset. Let’s see if we can put our thinking caps on about a job for you that is better than cleaning toilets.” I quickly tried to change the topic of conversation before she threw me out the door. Think, Zach. Surely there is something you could have her doing at the firm. I would make up a job for her if I had to. Although, I would have to put up with Grant carrying on about it and he would make her feel uncomfortable, for sure. I didn’t need him interfering in this at the moment. I needed to get her and the kids out of here and somewhere safe.

  Emily needed a job. She needed to feel like she was looking after her family and not relying on anyone. I could see in the short time I had known her that she is a very proud woman and extremely determined to do things her way.

  “Oh God, why didn’t I think of this earlier!” Come on Zach. Make this as convincing as you can, otherwise she will never go for it. “How important is it that you live close to the kid’s school? Would you be prepared to travel a bit or move them to another school?” Emily looked very confused and I knew it seemed like a weird question.

  “Why, Zach? Why is that important?” Her voice was quiet and not much more than a whisper. I could see she was still trying to work out what to do with the stranger sitting at her kitchen table drinking tea with her.

  “Listen, Emily, just hear me out before you say anything, okay? Please?” She slowly nodded, looking very skeptical at me.

  “I have a farm thirty minutes out of the city, where I live. It is a sizeable home and I have spent the last few years renovating it and restoring it to its former glory. On my property there is also a manager’s cottage, which has also been fully renovated. It’s not huge, just a two-bedroom place which is neat and tidy. I have been thinking for a while, that now I have finished the house, I need to get a housekeeper in to help me with the chores and some cooking. I work long hours and need some help around the place. The job would come with the caretaker house for you to live in and a car to use so you could shop and run errands. I would also pay you a reasonable salary and you could work your hours around the kid’s school times. We could work it all out, so it suited both of us.”

  I looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction to everything I had just said. I wondered myself what the hell I had just said. I had no need for a housekeeper and I loved to cook. It was a way of relaxing after a hard day at work.

  I didn’t have a clue what I had just done, but I couldn’t take it back. The more it circled around in my head, the more I could see what a great idea it might be. Emily, Samuel and Sophia would be safe with me. The kids would grow up in fresh air with plenty of room to run around. Emily could be with them all the time and be stress-free in her job. I could be there to be a friend and protect her. Emily, being my employee, could only ever be a friend. This idea could really work. I didn’t know a thing about her, but the pull towards her was something that was so hard to cast aside and ignore.

  A small voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “I don’t know about that, Zach. I mean, it is very generous, but I don’t know you and you don’t know me. You seem nice, but how do I know if I can trust you, especially with the kids? It is just a massive thing, I couldn’t possibly accept it. You are very kind, but I just couldn’t.”

  “Please, Emily, just think about it. Don’t say no straight off, talk about it over the next few days. You can come out to the farm, have a look, meet my family and maybe perhaps you’ll feel more comfortable about it. Just say you will think about it.”

  In my head I was already planning how I would get my sisters involved. They could talk me into anything and, of course Mom would go crazy over the twins.

  I looked into Emily’s eyes and they appeared so conflicted. She sighed, and I could tell her mind was going crazy. She was thinking about all the pros and cons in her head and what she should say. What I wouldn’t give to take all that stress away from her, so she never had to worry again.

  “Today has been such an incredibly horrible day, Zach. I can’t remember what I even had for breakfast, let alone make a huge decision. Can I think about this and can we talk later? I have no idea what is even going on in my life anymore and I don’t cope with not being in control. I don’t want to break down and embarrass myself in front of you again today, so maybe it is time for you to go. We can chat again in a few days.”

  “Okay, Emily. Please promise you will think about it and at least come out and look at the place. I will call in again tomorrow afternoon to check on you, see how you are feeling.”

  I stood there waiting for her to acknowledge that she would think about it. Her face was blank, and I could tell that she was shutting down. A person can only be strong for so long and I think Emily had reached her limits today.

  “Sure, I will think about it,” she mumbled, looking down at her feet. “I will see you out.” She rose and motioned towards the door. As much as I wanted to stay, continue this talk and make sure she was okay, I knew she needed space to digest the whole day.

  As I walked towards the door, I stopped at the lounge room to say goodbye to the
kids who were engrossed in their movie. “I have to run, guys, but I will be back in the next couple of days to say hello. Sammy, look after your girls while I am gone, okay?” I looked at the proud little boy who had been given the most important job, one that he takes very seriously.

  “I sure will, Zach! I will do my best to make sure Mommy doesn’t cry anymore until you fix everything.”

  Oh God, what have I done promising Sammy I would fix the world for them. Mind you, it is exactly what I wanted to do. I just had to convince Emily to let me.

  “Good man,” I said, patting him on the shoulder. “Hope you feel better real soon, Miss Sophia. Maybe next time I see you we can get to know each other better if you are well.” Sophia looked up at me from under her sleepy eyelids with a half-smile. She looked very shy and was wary of me, which was understandable.

  I continued heading to the door with Emily following behind me. I could feel her presence there even with my back to her. How could a woman turn so many emotions loose in my body within the first hour of meeting her? It was impossible, considering I thought I’d built a wall so high around my heart that nobody was supposed to be able to break through or climb over it.

  It must be a purely physical attraction, I hadn’t been with a woman for such a long time. My body craved the sweet feeling and taste of a woman while she arched and moaned beneath me, my name on her lips from the immense pleasure I was giving her. Before my mind could head off in the direction of imagining Emily in that picture, I turned to face her at the door.

  “Em. Is it all right for me to call you Em?” She slowly nodded her head. “Here is my card with my mobile number on it. Please call me if you need anything, and I mean anything at all. I will come straight over. If Sophia gets any worse and you need to take her to a doctor, I can drive you.”

  I looked at the beautiful woman before me and saw someone who looked like she had given in to the world because it had become too much. “I will be back tomorrow afternoon to check on you and see if you have had a think about my offer. In the meantime, try to get some rest and sleep. Remember tomorrow is always a new day and the sun will rise no matter what has happened today.”

  I held my hand out to give her my business card and our hands touched. I felt a tingle of warmth that sent goose bumps up my arm from her touch. I probably held my hand there too long, but I just wasn’t ready to let go of the amazing feeling that was travelling through my body. It was something I hadn’t felt for a very long time. Come to think of it, I am not sure I have ever felt it this intense. I looked into Emily’s eyes and knew she felt it too. When her gaze met mine, she quickly drew her hand away like she had received a shock.

  “Thank you, Zach, but we will be fine. I am used to managing on my own. I will speak to you later and thanks again for your kindness and help.” She was almost pushing me out the door and I sensed she was feeling just as confused as I was about what had just happened between us.

  I had a funny feeling that today would be the beginning of a big change. I just didn’t know what that change was going to be.

  Emily

  As I closed the door to the apartment, I stood there for a long time with my hand leaning against it.

  What the hell just happened?

  Today had been the most unbelievable day and I could never have predicted the events even if I tried. But none of it compared to the last hour of my life.

  Where had Zach come from and why had the universe decided today was the day we should meet? Today, when I was at the lowest of lows and broke down for the first time in a very long time?

  Zach would be walking back to his car feeling sorry for this pathetic single mom who was a hopeless case. I leaned my forehead against the door and the tears started to fall again quietly. I wasn’t worthy enough to deserve the chance of a normal meeting with the hottest guy I had ever seen. Of course, my life just kept getting better and better.

  I thought back to look in his eyes when he touched my hand. I know he felt the spark at our touch, just like I did. I could see it in the way he looked at me. I had never had anyone ever look at me like they were undressing me with their eyes, but that is what it felt like. Oh God for that split second it felt amazing. I felt like a woman and I have not felt that way in a very long time. Unfortunately, my life had never allowed it. Actually, I wondered if it would ever allow it. What crazy person would ever look twice at a single mother of twins? That is a lot of baggage to take on. I know it will be just me and the kids until such time as they are grown up and off in the world. Then maybe it would be time for my life, if anyone would be interested. Time would tell.

  I didn’t have the energy now to think about Zach in any other way except as my landlord who was tossing me out of my home. Pull it together and start to work out how you are going to sort out your mess. I had to find a job so at least I would have the money for food and to secure a place to rent. The bond refund would help but I couldn’t use it as I needed to keep it aside for the bond I would have to pay on a new place. At least be thankful for small mercies. I would have it back now to pay the new bond, rather than having to wait for the old bond to refund.

  I heard a little giggle coming from the lounge room, which brought me out of my head. That was the first sign I’d had from Sophia that she might be starting to feel a bit better. Hopefully it was just a twenty-four-hour virus and Samuel wouldn’t come down with it.

  “Mommy, I’m a little bit hungry. Can I have something to eat?” Sammy called out from the lounge room.

  I looked at my watch and realized Zach had been here far longer than I realized. It was now getting dark outside and Sammy was thinking about his growling tummy. One thing that will never change, no matter what, was Sammy’s appetite. I think he was eating for himself and Sophia! It was like his legs were hollow and he wasn’t even a teenager yet. He was going to cost me a small fortune to feed when that time rolled around.

  I moved into the lounge room and placed my hand on Sophia’s forehead to check her temperature. She was resting with her Pinky tucked safely in her arms and Samuel sitting very close to her, watching like a hawk. I think he had taken Zach’s instructions to look after us very seriously.

  “How is your tummy feeling, sweetheart, any better?”

  Sophia looked up at me, she was still looking a little pale, but a small smile emerged on her face. “My tummy doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, Mommy, but can I just stay here a little longer?”

  What is it about kids that gives them special powers to get you to say yes to anything. When they were sick, I would agree to just about anything to make them smile. Even when they weren’t sick, they still had me wrapped around their finger most of the time! Until it came to money and then, unfortunately, I had to be the bad person. I was pretty lucky, though, because the kids never asked for much. When I had to say no, they accepted it and moved on. I never wanted that sort of life for them, but you can’t always choose. My Mom always told me to make the best of the situation you have. That had been my driving force in life. Not to make the best for me, but to make the best of what I could for the kids. My time will come later in life after the kids have grown up.

  I felt Sophia’s head move under my hand and realized that I was still standing there staring into space. I was doing that a lot today and that is certainly not usual for me. I glanced down to acknowledge her question and nodded my head, giving her a smile. My brain wasn’t functioning properly and talking felt like a big effort right now. Wandering out of the lounge room and into the kitchen, I tried to think of what I could throw together for Sammy to eat. I definitely wasn’t hungry. My stomach was tied in such a big knot that I don’t think whatever I ate would stay in there for too long.

  It was going to be a long night. I had so many problems to think about and no answers even close to helping me. Then there was Zach, who was a whole complex emotion I didn’t even know how to absorb. In one meeting, he had infiltrated my thoughts and I couldn’t think straight. I needed to be able to put that aside.
There were much more serious problems to solve. But thinking about Zach was more exciting. For once, I wanted fun and excitement for five minutes. Just five minutes, that’s all I was asking for. Could I ever get five minutes for me?

  What was happening to me?

  I was at one of the most desperate moments of my life and I was thinking about Zach.

  God help me.

  Zach

  I am not sure how long I had been sitting in my car, but it felt like time had stood still.

  What did I just walk into?

  On a day that I thought was going to be hard and upsetting handing out the eviction notices, it was so much more. Nothing I was even close to imagining. Walking into Emily’s apartment had done something to me that I didn’t even know how to grasp. I had met plenty of women in my life. Some have taken my eye and caught my attention. One, in particular, had me thinking I was heading to that happily-ever-after but that was not to be. Looking back, though, I now know it was nothing on what was buzzing through my body right now. The problem was that woman who’d had me believing she was the one, was always going to be the one. She had me staying in the ‘friend zone’ with Emily. I could never go through that hurt again, it was the reason for my wall. It had served me well and the higher and harder it was to scale, the safer I would be.

  The feelings that I’d just felt being with Emily, though, were trying very hard to start chipping at that wall. I had never felt such a connection to woman that I’d just met and spent such a short time with. Never in my life had I felt the urge to be so protective of someone. Emily broke all the rules.

  As I walked away from her apartment, I’d had the overwhelming urge to turn around and go straight back to the door and bang on it. I wanted to take her right there and then to my home and make them all feel safe and cherished. Samuel and his friendly nature, along with shy and vulnerable Sophia, had already pried open my heart and started to burrow their way in.