He had to be here for her. He’d been there on the ferry, and swum with her away from the treacherous undertow that threatened to pull them both down. Now she needed him again. Ben had never had the chance to go back and save Emma, and saving Arianna now seemed all the more important because of that.
But he mustn’t get too involved. She needed to find her own way, and Ben’s instinct to overprotect the people he loved would only hinder her. It was a fine line, made all the more difficult by the attraction he felt for Arianna. But this was an opportunity he’d never have again.
Before it was time to think about heading down to the harbour to catch the last ferry, Arianna had already begun to yawn. That was exactly what Ben had planned on.
‘I should be going. Lizzie wants to leave early tomorrow morning and we’ll be on the eight o’clock ferry, so I need to repack everything tonight.’
Arianna got to her feet. ‘I’ll give you a lift.’
‘No, I’ll walk.’ Arianna opened her mouth to protest and he silenced her with a stern look. ‘You think I went to all this trouble just so you could wake yourself up again by driving?’
She thought for a moment, and Ben hoped that she was seeing sense. ‘I do feel a bit tired. Would you like to take my car? You can leave it at the harbour and then use it to drive to the hotel in the morning. Then bring it back here.’
‘I’m coming back in the morning?’ Ben teased her, knowing full well that he couldn’t keep away. If Arianna wanted him around, he’d be there for her.
‘Are you?’ She called his bluff and Ben gave in.
‘I’ll be back. What time tomorrow?’
He was expecting her to just wave her hand, in the way that many people here seemed to do when time was referred to, but Arianna seemed to want something more precise.
‘About ten? Or later if you have things to do.’
Ben wondered if she’d be counting the moments, the way he already was. ‘Ten’s fine. See you then.’
She dropped her car keys into his hand, and followed him outside. As he drove away he saw her standing in the light from the open front door.
Ben had been careful to curb his expectations when he’d come to Ilaria. He hadn’t taken it for granted that they’d be friends, or that she’d even want to see him again. But what he’d found here was beyond anything he could have imagined. They’d just clicked together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
Being there for her was a challenge, one he wasn’t sure he was equal to. But everything depended on getting this right. It was his second chance. The one he’d thought he’d never have to be the man that he wanted to be, and if he let Arianna down now that man would be lost for ever.
* * *
Last night, Arianna had watched Ben drive away and then walked, yawning, to her bedroom. She’d gone to sleep, curled up with her memories of him, and then woken again at three in the morning, taunted by her nightmares. Wrapping a quilt around her, she’d gone outside to sit on the veranda. The sun had risen, and she’d had breakfast. And the last thought she’d had was that she must take a shower and get dressed...
Now she was being woken by the brush of fingers against her hand. Nice. She shifted a little on the wide settle, then stretched, and then realised that the touch was real and not part of a dream.
‘Hey...sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.’ Ben pulled back, taking Jonas with him. The boy was staring at her, tilting his head to one side in curiosity.
‘Hi, Jonas... Ben...’ Arianna rubbed her eyes. ‘Sorry, is it ten o’ clock already...?’
‘Just gone. We paced up and down outside your front door a bit before we decided to come around to the back to see if we could find you.’
Arianna chuckled. ‘Don’t bother about the pacing. Turning up at my back door and giving me a shake is just fine.’ Although Ben’s gentle touch had been fine too. A lot better than fine, and Arianna hoped that her half-awake face hadn’t betrayed her pleasure.
‘Did you sleep last night?’
The opportunity to say that she’d had eight solid hours and that she was feeling entirely rejuvenated and ready to start the day was gone. ‘I went to bed straight after you left. Slept through till about three.’
He nodded. ‘That’s something. You want coffee?’
‘Yes. Please.’ Arianna remembered that the oversized T-shirt she was wearing didn’t cover her legs, and wrapped the quilt around her body, getting to her feet. ‘I’ll be back in a moment.’
‘Take your time.’ Jonas seemed about to follow Arianna indoors, and Ben caught his hand firmly. ‘Come and help me, Jonas.’
Clearly coffee-making wasn’t as interesting to Jonas as following Arianna into her bedroom, but Jonas reluctantly went with his father. Ben didn’t look back, and Arianna decided not to either.
When she arrived back on the veranda she felt a little more awake and rather more embarrassed about being caught napping. Ben said nothing, though, putting two cups of freshly brewed coffee down on the table, along with a jug of iced lemonade and some glasses. Jonas had been sitting on the steps, which led down from the veranda and onto the beach, but when he saw her he jumped up and flung his arms around her waist.
‘Are you ill?’ He looked up at her and Arianna smiled.
‘No, sweetie, I’m not ill. Just a bit tired. Your dad’s made me coffee and that’ll wake me up.’
Jonas frowned. ‘Dad says that I have to get a good night’s sleep. I’m not allowed coffee.’
Ben flashed her a get-out-of-that-one smile and sat down at the table.
‘Dad’s right. We’ll both make sure we do that, shall we?’
Jonas nodded, seemingly happy with the answer. Arianna sat down opposite Ben, picking up the small coffee cup and draining half of it in one swallow.
‘Glad I’m allowed coffee.’ She leaned forward, murmuring quietly, and Ben chuckled.
‘You’re not off the hook, though. Sleep’s better.’
‘Yes, Dad,’ Arianna teased him, and he shrugged, pulling a resigned face. ‘How’s the hotel?’
‘It’s great. Lizzie loves it and she asked me to thank you for the fruit basket.’
Arianna nodded. ‘My pleasure. So what would you like to do today? We have a whole island, and I’ll be your tour guide.’
* * *
Ben had been just about to gently put his real purpose here today to Arianna. Maybe casually and a little obliquely, a friendly reminder that a relaxing day might help her deal with her nightmares. Jonas put a spoke in the wheel of his plans.
‘Dad says that we’re going to look after you.’ He frowned, obviously trying to reconcile an inconsistency. ‘Even if you aren’t ill.’
Her eyebrows shot up. ‘Really?’
In for a penny, in for a pound. Now that Jonas had introduced this new approach, he had little choice but to go with it.
‘Yes, really. You’re tired and your nightmares are beginning to take over. You need to do something Arianna; they won’t go away all on their own.’
‘Yes!’ Jonas chimed in. ‘I don’t like nightmares. Dad has to grab the monsters and throw them out of the window.’ He illustrated his point by acting out the grabbing of a monster and its disposal out of an imaginary window.
‘You can do that?’ She looked up at Ben, her gaze softening suddenly.
‘Yeah. We...um... Sometimes they wriggle a bit and we have to fight them first.’
‘Dad rolls around on the carpet, wrestling them. But he always wins.’ Jonas threw himself down onto the ground in a life and death struggle with an imaginary monster. ‘Monsters don’t like it if you fight them; they get scared.’
Arianna was laughing now, but he could see understanding in her eyes. Maybe the monsters that she faced weren’t so different from the ones that occasionally inhabited any child’s dreams, even if they were much more persistent.
Jonas was nodding his head vigorously, and Ben stepped in before he could invite Arianna to show him her best fighting moves.
‘I just thought that a relaxing day might give you a more restful night.’ Ben wasn’t entirely sure that relaxation was all Arianna needed. Talking about it, voicing the terrors that dogged her seemed to be a more necessary part of the process. Maybe a day spent doing nothing much at all would encourage her to do that.
She slipped out of her seat to bend down in front of Jonas. ‘What do you say to making another sandcastle? A bigger one than last time.’
‘Yes!’ Jonas nodded vigorously and Arianna got to her feet, smiling.
‘Looks as if that’s today planned out, then.’
* * *
Ben had applied all of his ingenuity to the new sandcastle. He’d made a central lake this time and while Arianna and Jonas sculpted a sand cliff that ran up to the level of the veranda, he had constructed an arrangement of beakers and straws, taped together to make a water cascade, which syphoned water over the edge of the veranda in a small waterfall, to fill the lake.
Jonas was so happy with it all. Ben was a great dad, and his own pleasure in playing with his son was obvious. Arianna dimly remembered her own father playing with her and Xander, but then his grief had taken him away from her. Even now, it felt wrong that she should resent that, when her parents had suffered so much at the loss of their son.
Enjoying this didn’t feel quite right either. Xander had never had the chance to play again, or to grow up and play with his own children. Arianna got to her feet, brushing sand from her dress and leaving Jonas and Ben to get on with their castle. The wide settle on the veranda was somewhere to sit and watch, without being a part of it all. Here she felt less like a thief, stealing sandcastles from her brother.
When Ben joined her on the veranda they sat together in silence for a while, watching Jonas. Arianna poured two glasses of lemonade from the jug, pushing one towards Ben.
‘I was wondering...’ She felt so close to him when they talked, but right now she didn’t want to think about her own life. Arianna wanted to know more about his.
‘Yeah?’
‘What did you mean about the day on the ferry changing your life too? I know how it changed mine, but surely what you did couldn’t have given you any regrets.’
He took a swig from his glass. ‘No regrets. Just an impossible set of aspirations for me to live up to.’
‘How so?’
Ben shook his head. ‘You don’t want to hear about that.’
‘Why not? It strikes me that it changed us both, and that maybe we’re two sides of a coin. Maybe it only really makes sense if we can see both sides.’
He thought it over carefully, and then nodded. ‘It was an odd experience for me. I was so elated, and then there was...nothing. I got to the shore and found my mum and dad—all they were worried about was that I was safe, and I didn’t tell them about you because I knew they’d tell me off for jumping in after you. You were my secret.’
‘A good one?’ Arianna rather liked the idea.
‘Yeah, you were a great secret to have. It felt as if I was a superhero and I could dress up at night and climb out of the window and do things that no one else could do.’
‘Did you?’
‘I thought a lot about it. I couldn’t get a handle on the logistics of how I was going to make my way down from the first-floor window of a suburban semi without breaking my neck, so I decided to leave it awhile until I had my own place. Somewhere to hang my superhero costume where my mum wouldn’t find it when she was tidying up.’
‘So you went to medical school. Super doc.’
Ben chuckled. ‘There was an element of that. I just knew that there was someone in the world who might have drowned without me. It made me feel good that you must be out there somewhere, leading your life the way you were meant to. When I think about it, it was probably quite convenient that I didn’t know you. Always best to keep the objects of those kinds of daydreams one-dimensional.’
He wasn’t quite making a joke of all this, but he was keeping it light. Somewhere beneath all that there was pain. Arianna nodded, smiling, and waited for Ben to guide her towards that pain. Maybe if they shared their pain then it would make sense to both of them.
‘Being a doctor went some way towards injecting a dose of reality. There are things we can’t do, but there are also ways that we can make a difference. It meant a lot to me that I was able to help people.’
Arianna nodded. ‘It means a lot to me too. Surely that hasn’t changed for you?’
It had. She could see it from the flash of guilt and regret in his face. He glanced over towards his son, who was busy landscaping his new castle, completely unaware of their conversation.
‘When Emma died...things weren’t going so well for us. I can’t help wondering if her last thought was that I’d let her down.’
Arianna knew full well that guilt had a big part in grief. All the things that could never be changed, never be taken back.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I wasn’t living at home when Emma died. We’d been arguing a lot, and we were both tired. I told her that I loved her, and suggested that we take a couple of weeks out, so we could reconnect with the things that really mattered. I’m not sure she completely understood.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ben. Surely you can’t think that you let her down, though. From what you say, you were trying to save your marriage.’
‘I was. We both were, and I know we would have succeeded, given a bit of time. I just wonder whether she knew how much I loved her and Jonas.’ Ben took a deep breath, his face suddenly haggard.
‘In my experience—’ Arianna puffed out a breath ‘—not that I have a great deal of experience in making relationships work, but I think you always do know when someone honestly loves you.’
‘Maybe. I hope you’re right.’ He turned his gaze up to meet hers and something in his eyes made Arianna dread whatever he was about to say next.
‘When the accident happened, Emma was on her way to do the weekly shop. A lorry swerved to avoid something and skidded out of control. Witnesses said that it was coming towards the passenger side of the car, where Jonas was in the car seat at the back. Emma couldn’t avoid it, but she turned the wheel so that it hit her side of the car.’
‘Ben, I...’ Arianna shook her head. ‘That was a very brave and loving thing to do.’
‘She was like that. She could be fierce at times, and we used to argue but... I just hope she knew that I would have done anything to be sitting in the driver’s seat, so that Emma and Jonas would have been safe on the other side of the car. If there was any way that I could go back...’
‘I believe you.’ Arianna almost choked on the words. What she believed probably meant less than nothing to Ben. But his face softened suddenly, and he nodded.
‘Thank you.’ Ben reached across the table, covering her hands with his. ‘If I’m honest, this is one of the reasons I came here. Those superhero dreams I had when I was a kid were more precious to me than I knew. Since Emma died, I’ve lost the feeling that I can make a difference to anyone and... I miss it.’
He’d saved her. That might not be very important to him, and it might not be so important to her father, who yearned for his lost son. It meant a lot to Arianna, though.
‘Thank you for saving me. I know it’s not much of a consolation...’
Ben gave her hands a squeeze and then let go of them. ‘It’s means more to me than you know. But today wasn’t supposed to be about making me feel better.’
‘As I said. Two sides of one coin. It feels as if we both started from the same place.’
He nodded, clearly turning the idea over in his head. ‘Maybe you’re right...’<
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‘I think that Jonas knows his dad is a superhero, who protects him against monsters. Kids are pretty switched on about that kind of thing and maybe you should listen to him.’
There was no opportunity for Ben to think about it and decide. Suddenly he was on his feet. ‘Jonas, what are you doing? You’ll hurt yourself.’
Jonas was upside down in a heap on the sand, and turned himself back up the right way, looking a little shamefaced. ‘I want to do somersaults.’
‘Not like that, mate.’
‘Auntie Lizzie showed Callie how to do one. I want to do them too—show me.’
Ben rolled his eyes and then turned back to his son, taking the steps down from the veranda two at a time. ‘I can’t do a somersault either. And Callie’s a bit older than you—that’s probably why Auntie Lizzie showed her, don’t you think?’
Jonas’s face began to crease. ‘But, Dad...’
Arianna ventured to the top of the steps. If Ben could come to terms with the past, then so could she. She could do nothing about all the things that Xander had missed out on, but there was one thing she could do for Jonas.
‘I can do somersaults...’
Two sets of blue eyes suddenly turned in Arianna’s direction. She couldn’t resist those eyes, not the father’s nor the son’s. Ben smiled, heat igniting in his gaze, and then turned to Jonas.
‘Perhaps Arianna can show you how to do a somersault?’
Jonas cheered up immediately. ‘Yes! Show me!’
CHAPTER SEVEN
BEN HAD WATCHED Arianna on the beach. Her sleeveless T-shirt and shorts accentuated the slim, rounded curves of her figure, and the near-perfect somersaults accentuated its strength. He’d come here with the idea that maybe he could get back in touch with a part of himself that was dying, and which he knew he needed, not just for Jonas but for his patients as well. He’d found a woman who was vulnerable and trying in her own way to deal with the fallout from that day on the ferry, and now it occurred to him that maybe Arianna was right. Maybe they were two sides of a coin, and they could save each other.
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