Reckless

by Jennifer Loren

  “I didn’t want to get you involved. You were dangerously close yourself to crossing a line if I recall. The last thing you needed was being around me and both of us falling deeper into trouble. I didn’t talk to anybody, Sean. I was scared and I didn’t want to be judged.”

  “I would have never judged you, and I would have listened to whatever you had to say and helped you, however I could.”

  “I know that, Sean.”

  “Then why did you hide from me?”

  “I didn’t hide from you, I thought I was protecting you.”

  “Well maybe you should stop protecting me and let me help you.”

  “That’s just it Sean, no one could have helped me - but me. If it wasn’t for Abbey kicking me to the curb, I might have never snapped out of it.”

  “Abbey broke up with you?”

  “Yes, she did. Worse day of my life, she didn’t even look back. She told me she never wanted to see me again because she didn’t want to be with someone that couldn’t respect himself.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I did what we Grant boys usually do, I assumed she was the crazy one and that I didn’t need her.” I laugh, and he follows. “Yeah, I lasted about a week before I went back to her begging. It never worked of course. I finally went to Mom to get her to help me and she told me no. I couldn’t believe it. She sat us up and she wouldn’t even help me get her back?”

  “Judging from the ring on your finger and the two kids, I assume you came up with something.”

  “I checked in somewhere to work out my issues. Hard as hell, but I finally woke up and realized it’s not all about me.”

  “It’s not?” I mocked him.

  “No smartass, and it’s not all about you either. You and that stupid stunt, you didn’t think about anyone but yourself.”

  “I needed to do it.”

  “No you didn’t, it didn’t make the film any better. You only wanted to be able to say you did it, that you are the official badass of Hollywood. I knew you wanted to do it from the beginning, and then I stupidly challenged you on it and you forgot all about your wife, your daughter and your baby on the way.”

  “I knew it was going to be okay.”

  “No, you didn’t, and it didn’t matter if you did. Because no one else did.”

  “It was an incredible adrenaline rush though,” I said, watching Ethan shake his head at me.

  “Well enjoy it, because when Ava gets a hold of you I’m pretty sure you will be groveling for the rest of your life.” He nods, feeling good about his prediction.

  “It’s not going to take that long,” I shrug. “Ava gets mad but she doesn’t hold onto things like that. She probably has already forgiven me. I am injured. She will be so happy that I’m okay that she will forget about her anger.”

  “Oh, I’m sure.”

  The door to my room opens and my mom walks in carrying bags. “Oh good, the fool is awake,” she said.

  “Mom?” I snap at her as she comes over to kiss me on the forehead.

  “I went out and bought you some pajamas, and a toothbrush and …”

  “You did what?” I said, looking at the things she is laying out on my bed.

  “Now Sean, you are not going to stay in this hospital in that. All these girls are drooling, just waiting for you to get out of that bed and show your ass to them.”

  I laugh, “But Mom, I have a damn nice ass.”

  “Don’t curse at me Sean, I’m your mother.”

  The door opens again and Randy comes in with Dillon following close behind. With food and drinks in their hands, they both come in and sit down. Immediately they adjust a table and some chairs so they can eat comfortably. “Just come in and make yourselves at home boys.” I hold up my hands looking at Ethan.

  “Thanks,” Dillon called out as he chomps on some chips.

  Randy leans towards me in his chair, “So Sean, I heard the jump looks incredible.”

  I sit up, excited. “Really?”

  “Yeah, aside from you crashing the car into a million pieces and it bursting into flames, it was a complete success. But that part was pretty cool too.” Randy nods happily.

  My mother snaps her fingers at us and we both take notice. “I do not want to hear anymore talk about that damn stunt! Do you understand me?” She yelled at us, tensing her fists on her hips.

  “Yes ma’am,” Randy cowered from her.

  “Sean?”

  “Okay mom, settle down.”

  “Good, now I am going to go help Abbey by picking up your daughter and taking care of your dogs too.” She kisses me as she tries to straighten my hair. I look over at Ethan as he fights his laughter. “Now you put those pajamas on I bought for you Sean, don’t make me come back here and dress you myself.”

  “When did I revert back to five years old?” She glares at me. “Fine mother. Thank you.”

  She kisses Ethan as she does me, straightening his hair too. “You need a haircut Ethan.”

  “Yes mother.” I look away at Randy and Dillon, who are biting their lips trying not to laugh. Luckily, they are next. She approaches Randy and Dillon, finding something to straighten or fuss about each one of them. When she finally leaves, we all laugh at each other, moving our straightened-up selves back into dishevelment.

  “Your mom does realize were out of grade school now, right?” Randy asked.

  “I don’t think so,” I said, sinking back into my bed.

  Ethan gets up, and digs into the bags she left. “Okay Sean.”

  “Okay what?” I asked him, eyeing him suspiciously.

  “Let’s get you changed.” He holds out pajama pants in front of me.

  “Are you serious?” I laughed.

  “Yes, I’m serious. You know she will come back and do it herself otherwise, and that won’t be pleasant.”

  “Fine,” I said through my teeth. I struggle out of bed, feeling the pain in my ribs. Ethan holds out the pants, low enough for me to step in. “Lean on me and step in,” he said as I glared at him.

  Randy and Dillon immediately begin laughing uncontrollably. “This is stupid Ethan!”

  “What do you want me to do?” Ethan said huffing.

  “Give them to me and let me put them on myself,” I said jerking the pants away from him.

  “Alright, I am only trying to help.”

  “Don’t,” I said, struggling to try and put them on myself, but my ribs are taped so tight I can hardly move.

  “Nice ass Sean,” I look back at Randy winking at me.

  “You would notice, bitch.” I said, shaking my head.

  “Hey, this is cool, I always wondered how a celebrity puts on his pants. Apparently it’s with his ass out.” Dillon laughs.

  “Dillon!”

  “Yeah Sean.”

  “Why are you here?”I asked him.

  He shrugs, “My flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning, so I thought I would hang out with you until then.”

  “Well go somewhere else, you’re starting to annoy me.”

  “Where do you want me to go?” He asks.

  “Dillon,” I cringed.

  “Why don’t you go see if they have located Ava?” Ethan interrupted my frustration.

  “Why are any of you here bothering me, when you could be looking for my wife, who you managed to lose?”

  Dillon and Randy get up, still snickering to themselves. I wait for them to leave before I try to get dressed again but Randy pokes his head back in. “Hey Sean?”

  “What?” I sighed.

  “I like your jammies,” Randy laughed before running out.

  “Fucking assholes, I swear. I’m the one injured and they’re laughing.” I mumbled. “Shit!” I can’t get it.

  “Do you want some help now?” Ethan offered, smiling when I hand over the pants.

  “Yes, but not a word of this to anyone.” He snickers as he holds them for me. “Ethan.”

  “I promise, Sean.” He stresses, but I know he is fighting laughter.


  When I finally get dressed I crawl back into bed, trying to relax.

  “Do you want to watch TV? I want to catch the stock reports,” Ethan’s voice fades into the background as I close my eyes drifting off easily.

  ~

  Bam! My door slams open, nearly startling me right off my bed.

  “Sean!” Dillon screamed at me

  “What!” I said annoyed.

  “It’s Ava. I found her and she’s not good.”

  “What do you mean she’s not good?” Ethan asked him.

  “When I found her, some woman was screaming at her and Ava was all balled-up in the corner of the room, hysterical.”

  “What woman?” Ethan asked.

  “I don’t know who she was, but I think she told Ava that you’re dead,” Dillon said.

  “She doesn’t believe that?” I breathed.

  “I think she does, Sean. I asked her what was wrong and she just kept saying… ‘he’s gone’.”

  I jump out of bed and make my way to the door. “Where are you going Sean?” Ethan asked, grabbing hold of me.

  “She thinks I’m dead, Ethan.”

  “I will go and talk to her,” he said.

  “I don’t think that will work Ethan. She is beyond consolable, her eyes are just so … empty,” Dillon said.

  I eye Dillon as his words cut right into me. “Ethan, I have to go find her.” As we get closer I can hear her terrified and broken screams. It scares the hell out of me.

  “That’s her room,” Dillon said, pointing to her door as we round the corner. “And that’s the woman who was yelling at her.” I look over to see Rebecca smiling at me.

  “What did you do?” I glare at her.

  She shrugs happily, “Sean. You are alive. Oops, my mistake.” She giggles, hiding her smile behind her hand.

  The only thing that keeps me from strangling her is Ava, who runs out her door and away from me. “Ava!” I screamed to her. She stops but doesn’t look at me. “Ava!” I yell again and she falls against the wall gripping her head and slipping down to the floor shaking.

  Ethan immediately runs after her, “Ava, it’s okay, Sean is fine.”

  “I’m so sorry Ethan! I’m so sorry!” She yells, gripping his shirt wildly. Ethan picks her up, looking as worried as I feel.

  Ethan carries her to me. “Ava,” I said, running my fingers through her hair. She jerks away, looking at me obviously frightened. “Ava, it’s okay, she lied to you.” Shaking her head slowly, she looks me over silently as Ethan sits her on the floor. She is a mess. Her eyes are just as Dillon said - dangerously empty. Looking at her, I see nothing but the same image of her mother after her father’s death. I reach out for her, brushing my fingers across her cheek to push her hair out of her face. Her hand rises up to me, trembling. I watch as her fingers shake their way towards my chest. I take her hand and hold it to my face, her breathing instantly becomes erratic. She grips my shirt hard and holds it tight before crashing into my sore ribs and crying out. Wrapping my arms securely around her, I try to console her as best I can, but her response to me … is not Ava. “Ava, look at me,” I said, lifting her chin up to me. “Everything is going to be okay. Come back to me, Ava.” Her eyes flutter, for a second.

  “No,” she cried. “I don’t understand.” She twists in my arms until she finally looks up at me on her own, regaining some life again.

  “I’m not dead, everything is okay,” I said to her, cradling her face in my hands.

  “Sean?” I nod with a slight smile. She smiles back at me and I begin to relax, bringing her hard into my chest despite my own pain.

  “Damn Ava, you scared the hell out of me,” I said but she begins to go weak in my arms. “Ava?” I pull back, watching her contort as if she is in severe pain. “What’s wrong?”

  “Doctor!” I look up, noticing an entire staff of nurses including Pamela watching us. “Sean we need to take her now!”

  “What? What’s going on?” She pulls Ava from my arms, rushing her away from me.

  “Sean …” I look over at Ethan as he stares at the floor. I follow his gaze to the spots of blood.

  “Oh God,” I whispered, watching Rebecca smile joyfully before she prances away.

  “We will make sure she gets what’s coming to her, but now is not the time.” Ethan tries to reassure me. I don’t understand how she could be that evil … and I never saw it?

  ~

  The pain in my head is minor compared to the fear holding me hostage right now. “Sean,” a soft voice calls out to me. I lift my head from the darkness of my palms as Pamela grasps my hand and leads me down one hall and then another, down an elevator and then through a deserted hall to an empty room. She faces me with a concerned expression and I begin to shake. “I wanted to tell you first,” she said with a warning exhale. “Ava is going to be fine.”

  I nearly smile but quickly realize that’s not why she brought me to this secluded place. “And the baby?” I asked, feeling my worst fears cut me to an unfathomable depth.

  Pamela looks at me saddened, shaking her head silently. “Ava doesn’t know yet.” Clinching my eyes shut, I fist my hands into my eyes.

  “You lost a child, there is nothing worse than that.” I try to hold it together, but her words send me to my knees, releasing the pain with a deafening scream. Pamela’s warm hands try and comfort me. “That’s it, let it go. She’s going to need you to be strong when you see her.” I bury my tear soaked face into her shoulder. “Yes, you lost something wonderful, but you still have something beautiful and wonderful waiting for you. She loves you very much.” She said, pulling my face to look at her. “You need to be there for her, she is going to feel even more pain than you can even imagine. It’s her body that lost the child. She’s going to feel responsible.”

  “But it’s my fault. It’s my fault, not hers,” I cried out.

  “It’s no one’s fault, Sean. Neither of you could help what happened.”

  I continue to cry in her arms, releasing the pain from every part of my body until I can’t cry anymore.

  “Are you ready to see Ava?” She asked me.

  I shake my head at first, but change my mind when I think about her. I need to see her, I need to hold her. I clean my face up and take a few deep breaths before I follow Pamela back up to the room adjacent to mine. Her new room echoes. I hesitate to approach her, gazing over her as she faces the window opposite the door. They have her cleaned up in fresh hospital clothes, her hair brushed to softness and her face fresh and beautiful. She twitches when I touch her. “Ava,” I whispered.

  She shakes her head, “Don’t.” She faces me with tears already built up in her eyes, “Don’t say it, Sean, please don’t say it.” Holding her face to mine, I close my eyes, feeling her tears run down my cheek. “Oh God,” she cried. I struggle for comforting words that never come. All I can do is take her into my arms and curl up in her tiny bed with her. She cries for hours against my chest, and I release tears I didn’t know had left. When that numb feeling finally overwhelms us, the silence becomes our only form of communication.

  Exhausted, I close my eyes, listening to the rhythmic sounds of the rain and feel her heart beat against my painful chest. No one bothers us, no one even tries. The rain continues to fall as the rhythmic tapping on the window sets the pace of our breathing and the darkness becomes darker.

  ~

  I am not sure who I hate more, the snake or the rat that lead her here. Ava continues to work, and with me home she spends even more time at the office. Although it is a relief from our deadly silence when she is home. All we have these days are conversations with one-word answers and a complete avoidance of anything that might provoke much more. I watch her drift from one room to the next with no emotion towards me, breaking my heart into a million pieces from neglect. Every night we lie beside each other and despite my attempts to touch her, there is never any response in return. Her hands are lifeless against my touch and her eyes continuously shift away from
mine. My guilt grows and I am not sure how much longer I am going to be punished. With Lillah’s birthday fast approaching, Ava might break our silence, or at least I hope she will.

  It is late and Lillah is already in bed. Ava has her reading glasses on and is stretched out reviewing details, as she calls them. I sit nearby, desiring her more than I realized. I almost forget to speak as I fantasize about her. Her eyes lift, catching mine and startling me out of my trance. “So what are we going to do for Lillah’s birthday this weekend?”

  “Oh, I thought we would keep it simple. Just the three of us … maybe.”

  “Ava, you know my mother is going to want to be here, and what about Abbey and Ethan. And Lillah will want Collin here. They have watched Lillah, I don’t know how many times, we should at least watch Collin for the night. And Kyle will want to be …”

  “Fine, do whatever you want,” she snapped, looking back down at her paper work.

  Watching her ignore me again, the anger builds up inside of me. “You know, it’s one thing for you to shut me out but it’s another when you shut everyone else out.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  “Are you serious? Ava you are a walking zombie. You are completely void of any life at all. I understood for a while, but now it’s… ”

  “Well I’m sorry! I didn’t realize how much I was bothering you Sean.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Sean,” she yelled at full attention.

  I meet her stance, “What Ava? What is it? Talk to me for God sakes, talk to me! I can’t take much more of this.” I yelled, shaking my hands at her.

  I refocus on her face and her tear-filled eyes, “I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, Sean” she said before throwing everything in the floor and running off. Weak and unsure, all I can do is fist my hands and crumble.

  ~

  Ava and I barely speak over the next few days, outside of the, “I don’t cares” and “whatever you wants.” I barely hear from her but despite her avoidance I am able to pull a nice party together for Lillah’s birthday. Everyone is coming over, I hope it might help Ava come out of her shell some. I didn’t bring out the circus but I do have it catered and a pony ride setup because that’s what Lillah said she wanted when I asked her. I enjoy watching Lillah’s face when the pony arrives. My joy overtakes me when I watch her ride the pony so in awe, she cannot even close her mouth.