I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  Me and Wiley are pocketed thanks to Matt, the weird guy with dancing bibs, as i have now renamed it, since it boasts of his muscles makes them jump up and down in front of everyone, the same guy that has a crush for Wiley and invetes her everywhere, but that would gladly do me too.

  Honestly i don't know if i could ever stay whit a boy like that.. on that would not understand nothing about me and my limits, but i admitt that this thing really like me.

  I want to be really normal.

  Isaac word about normality invades every corner of my brain while we are arriving at the party.

  The house is fantastic, there is music all around and i know that i need to be better and stop thinking, so i know that the way to sterm his hell voices is one.

  "Wil, i want to drink" i suddenly say to my friend, arranging the tight cuffs of the shirt a little lower on the wrists.

  She opens mouth to do scenic while someone hurt me and i jump towars.

  How they can step above me?

  Am i really invisible?

  I look aroud me and i think yes, i am, because the other girl inside here are more showy and beautiful than me.

  "Have you ever see snowing in Australia in spring? Well, now it's possible."

  "What a funny... tell me how i need to do to be normal, to..to get drunk, for example" I anxious ask her and not because i never did this before, but because i forgot this.

  I were sexteen the last time i was at a party and i had a fun, and that was the last night in which i lived in someway.

  My throat suddenly dries out.

  I don't think about this.

  Bones crack and i feel ill.

  I try to clear my mind but the bad sensation don't go and the idea to dispel it with alchool become more impelling.

  Luckily Wiley distract me.

  "I have to teach you how you can get drunk? Really you can't do this? Damned, Tal, i believe that there isn't more grateful gift for me, this night. Apart from bringing me to bed one of those two guys who are staring at us..you and I have what a waste." she points two guys in the Roger's salon and then laughts. The home is beautiful but too messy and i can't enjoy anything.

  "What a funny.." i say to her but, hindering my mind that wants to run away from there.

  "So you go to bar and choose your favourite alchoolic drink. Don't exagerate or you will vomit not being used to do it. And don't ever mix too much drink or you will collpse. If you will have sex with someone, don't forget condom, always, even if you don't remember your name, rather then.." in saying those words she smiles and takes to steal in her golden clutch in search of something, from which shortly after she extracts her special black eyeliner.

  "And what do you do with that hell?" i puzzled ask, while she pulls me towards the edge of the partyand under a wall.

  "Give me your wrist" she grabs my arm but i shake my hand and offer it.

  "I give you the back of the hand" i say and Wil looks at me frowning for a while, then she grabs my hand and opens her beauty pencil with which she writes right there, on the back.

  I lean forward like a fool, curious about what she is writing up and when she finishes i read, and laughing togheter.

  "Fantastic, now i see really normal and i do a lot of achievements! Now i have a fantastic write on my hand: Don't forget to use condom! I'm advantaged!"

  "And the eyelines is waterproof!"

  "Always better, as i see!"

  "And then, wait for a while, i felt really good? Do you want to tow?"

  No. " Yes, this is my idea" i murmur lying and look at that absurd write on my hand.

  Wiley shakes her head and slowly moves away from me. "I know that i have to force in my sexy drees."

  "Ohh, but who cares, the drees take off!" i comment flauting security.

  Not mine, then, i think after, darkening inwardly for all my fucking limits.

  "Listen, listen, and you have not even drunk yet! How many satisfaction you give me, this night. So go, my baby, and do what you want, whil i'm starting to know someone. We will see here, okay?" i nod to her even if i know that she will not be here.

  In fact, ten of minute pass where i have already drunk two glasses of vodka and i see her thoroughly inspect, with the tongue, the mouth of one of two guys that she had point when we arrived and i find like this, as i fear, alone at this stupid party.

  In all though it's better for her to do sex in a party like this, in exclusive villa on the beach, and not burrow in a car with some guys with which she delights in full delight and all around campus, with the risk to get caught (i caught her two times in only two months, i imagine that sooner or later also the supervisor do this.)

  Wiley is not a easy in strict sense, but someone who loves enjoy life and i would give until the last dollar that i have to be able to be like her.

  I look around me and i snort. Maybe i have to try.

  I come to the bar to order another glass of vodka and while i take the glass from the bartender dressed up, probably hired from a real catering society for this event, i hide my hand with the fact of the condom written above, because i notice that he is looking this write.

  And he laughs. " It will not be a bit too much alcohol to be in small body?" the bartender say.

  I instictively sit on the high stool that is in front of him and i puff while i'm looking around me.

  I always puff, not only when my heads become to come around, but also when i'm annoying and i go towards the first hangover after years of "nunness".

  It's a compulsive gesture that i often do to catch away or express- i don't know- the noise of my monotony and ugly existence.

  I'm tragically scenic also with my tought.

  " To be honest, i'm not a child. And i'm not drunk."

  " Said from a person who will be five feet tall and has written the word condom on his hand, it sounds even more amusing" he says pour the tequila into a glass after having sprinkled it with salt.

  I know that he is joking, yet i turn around and look at him sideways.

  " I'm one meter sixty five tall" i puntualize like he really cares about this thing. It's clear that he is doing a conversation with the first that comes around to avoid the boredom of loneliless while everyone are drinking, dancing, "kissing" and are happy except him. Or is because he look at me and i have to make him pity.

  What a bad feeling is pity, i try this on my skin and makes every attempt of others to comfort vain, almost unpleasant.

  "I'm sorry, sorry, i don't want to be rude, but your hand is so funny."

  "I'm all funny, not only the hand" i drink all the tequila that burns the throat, yet burned by evil tought that is coming back and that it can barely tame, and the breath knows me more and more strongly of alcohol and mint of the vodka that I have gobbled up so far.

  "You will be funny, but you are also the kindest here" yet he says that words i look with a glance on him and i fix him like i'm watching a crazy. And i know how they look at those.

  "Yes, come on."

  "I swear. Look at the other girl in this room, very beautiful with two kilos of maquillage and polish like a star; tomorrow the huge part of those who bring them in bed, they will not even recognize them."

  This thing makes me laught and i relax myself for a while.

  "I'm Clark, nice to meet you" he immediately tooks advantage of it and behind the short and thin counter, but polished in mahogany wood, like the one used for furniture on boats, he extends his arm and offers me his hand.

  I look at him and i laught, before do the same thing and tighten in mine.

  "I'm Talia. Make attention because if you tight for a long time my hand, probably the condom mold will remain on yours" comment winking at our hands that come together but he doesn't make other thing and laught and doesn't tame it, also because Wil write is on the back.

  I have to look really ridiculous but for the minutes to come- I do not know how many of them- I drink, eat snacks and talk with him.

  So much so that a few hours later - not even
this time I know how long after I left - I find myself alone on a sofa of the villa still full of voices and music, with the head that bursts, sweaty to be disgusting and a step from collapsing into a deep sleep that it will last until the day after tomorrow.

  I'm a total landslide. Immense. Immeasurable.

  My head is getting more heavy, but i smile because finally there is no more tought.

  It's everything beautiful, colourfull and empty.

  I'm empty.

  Maybe i should become an alcoholist so my parents would have a different and healthier reason to worry about me, and Isaac would seem a winner on my case, without needing to insert anything to feel that he really has control over myself, that often, I know, I get out of hand and i humiliate him.

  However even the tought of him lasts a moment because is everything so slim that i'm flitting.

  I have always dreamed of flying, since i was a child this is one of the dream that i do, the one beautiful between nightmares that i have continue to do also in the hospital, and also after.

  And now i'm flying, the voice is muffled, the music is too far from me.

  " Who is this?" i can still hear someone that talks too far, but i haven't the desire to understand about what is referring to.

  "Oh, she is Talia, i met her tonight, but i don't know who she came with."

  "Well, she can't stay here. Roger, come here! We need to give this to someone."

  "Wait, i will take her."

  "Will you take her?"

  "Yes, come on, be quiet."

  "Thanks mate."

  Then i lead in sleep.

  .4.

  Jaxon

  "Come on, Sleeping beauty" i say raising that weird girl and hoisting her up.

  She is light. It's incredible.

  "Do you know her?" Roger approaches me eluding his old man who, when he came back to it, found chaos but then, expecting it, he alone helped kick the drunks and the last ones to leave the party, just like the girl in my arms and me, which I did not want to go home, followed by Caroline and I waited not to see her again to come back here.

  This party really sucks and i partecipated only because Roger, as a good friend that is for me, he pleaded me to do; It's worst and adapt only for who want to get drunk untile they lose consciousness, like this girl that now i don't know who to leave.

  But why the hell did itake it over?

  Like she was a parcel post.

  "No, i don't know who she is, bit if my genial mind doesn't trick me, i crossed her today in campus dormitory and i know about nineteen per cent that she lives there, i'll bring she back with me", i greet my friends and i boot on my car with her death weight between my arms, that i parked on the highway, while she falls in sleep and rounds between my arms like she was in her bed, risking to fall down while i step.

  "Bloody hell" i say while this little kid turnes and laces her arms around my neck, clinging like a koala.

  Fortunaly she has a good smell, if i exclude the smell of the alchool that escape from her mouth also when it's closed.

  Also she speaks in sleep and who know what kind of machine is awake.

  As soon as i arrive in the car, i put her on the passenger seat, i fasten the seat belt well and i'm careful not to tilt the first one, since i do really want her vomit on the way back.

  At that point i go around and go to sitat the driver's side, suddeny annoyed with myself, but then once inside i stare at her.

  I took delivery because I felt guilty for this morning, she is the one on the stairs, I have no doubts and not because she looked well or is an unforgettable; and then because the gruesome shirt of the grandmother who wears tonight remembers sadly the same she wore this morning? Both are chess and unwatchable, let alone com set for a party.

  Yet she seems pretty: she has long, clear hair, a delicate face with perfect features, big eyes that, even if now they are closed in an uninterrupted sleep, I remember them when they were wide open and blue, pointed in mine as an accusation.

  She has a tiny body but i knod that under that cloth obscures and tight-fitting but covering pants, she hides a beautiful body that she doesn't show.

  She seems much more elder than me, maybe she is a freshman and i fell like the big evil monster that for the first time is done the right thing; well, i could not leave her alone in nothingness and at the mercy of dangers.

  This morning i was in the asshole time and i was rude take also with this poor human case- because she looks like this-, so when i saw her on that sofa alone and sleepy she made me pity.

  I know, i'm too bad.

  I know that pity is a bad feelings, but as probably Roger and his father- that i know very well- they would put her on the sand if no one had claimed her, i felt compelled to do something for her.

  Stupid, i know, but even though i bring her in my room, i now risk almost nothing: Matt won't come back because he is busy in the room of a beautiful brunette with which he leaved the party and i won't risk to feel attracted by her so much to try to make sex with her sleepy. What a nonsens.

  Even if i'm an infiltrated guest in the dormitory- and that if they caught me they would kick my ass- i risk for her.

  And although i'm one that anyone does breathe and is at least a little bit horny, she not.

  So, she is pretty but extremely sad.

  Sad because one that sleeps and stays alone at a party, so much that nobody waits for her or seeks her a perfect stranger if she has to take her away with compassion, she can not be anything other than that.

  Fortunately, I am a guest of Matt for a few days, just long enough to get me out of trouble and be able to show that I'm really going to the college with my brother who is in the war these days, which I obviously do not do. I do not even think of locking myself up there to study and live the life of a beast maneuvered by a society that wants us all the same.

  I shake my head trying to return at the present, since I usually avoid making too many paranoias and I still look at the poor woman who sleeps beside me, realizing I try to understand how her breasts under that absurd shirt too heavy for the heat that she's doing tonight.

  What a stupid girl; and then she has a really absurd writing on her hand.

  Before accelerating again I lean towards her that she sleeps calmly, I grab her fist and read what is written: "Remember to always use a condom!"

  Can not believe what I read, she wrote that idiocy on her hand seriously?

  Maybe even thinking that someone really wanted to use a condom with her?

  I bite my lip but it makes me laugh. My classic sarcastic smile comes to me, the evil smile.

  I'm bad, but I can not help it if I have a bad habit of making fun of others.

  I suppose I became so because of my family is made up by males. Assholes.

  My father and my brother who do not stop to be with my breath on the neck despite the first is now half crazy and the second has his noble life here two steps from me, yet so far (but never enough to stop it from breaking up ).

  I snag my car as it gears the fifth and splashes away under the stars, on a road that is all too busy to be four in the morning.

  Luckily tomorrow is Sunday, I think while I go back to look at the one who will surely ruin it for me.

  I'm an idiot.

  .5.

  Talia

  "Wil..." i whisper call her bringing the head under the pillow.

  I have a terrible headache and my mouth is kneaded, a vague sensation of impelling nausea and the eyelids so heavy that i can't open my eyes.

  Why the hell i drank too much yesterday night?

  I need an hand to get up but i don't succed anymore, i fear.

  And anyway, how did I go back to the room? Instinctively I put my hands under the light sheet that covers me and luckily I feel I have all the clothes on.

  I move my feet and I realize I still have shoes too. Fortunately, Wiley did not undress me to put me to bed, but I'll have to change the sheets again, since I slipped them under as I was at the p
arty.

  "Wil, stop messing around and give me a hand that I'm sick" I want to hit her and scare her, so she will rush to me.

  "I'm going to throw up all over the room, I'll tell you!" only partly because I have the stomach upside down for real, and I speak with the voice of a trans-caveman begging for mercy on the gallows.

  A terrible thing, in short.

  "Generally i don't mess around, but if you vomit all around i will throw you over the window. And we are on the fourth floor."

  I barely open my eyes, whose eyelids suddenly make light and I find myself the pillowcase at an inch, which obviously obscures my sight.

  Maybe i also open my mouth, i believe, judging by the nauseating smell i suddenly feel.

  Who the hell brought my roommate to my room?

  Did she make sex with the boy who just spoke with me?

  This is why i have a pillow on my face! I can't believe this.

  How. can. she. do. this?

  Where have our rules ended?

  "Who are you?" i say, without moving, move my head away to see him- or see them- or make other movement that it's not that to pull the sheet towads the pillow, doing so to cover me all around and burrow under it, safe in my be "And what are you doing in my room? Wil.. here are you? Are you there, really?"

  I listen someone laughing. It's a male laugh with a deep voice but it sounds really peevish to my ears and this thing hits me.

  "I don't know who is this Wil, but truly you are in my room" the comment of the unknown voice paralyzes me.

  Oh no, no. no, when i tought i wanted to dissolve and come back to life yesterday, i did not mean exactly that.

  Oh my God.

  And now what do i do?

  The silence that envolops us is tense, I feel very well also from below and I would like to be able to disappear swallowed by the unknown bed that horror has hosted me all night, but I fear that I will not eat and that sooner or later I will have to face what is beyond the sheet.