I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  It's all unusually perfect.

  "This place is amazing" i comment so, fixing my bike."Perfect to teach you how to dance ander the sunlight." It's hot and i look at her.

  I really want to see what she hides to the others.

  Dance with her and touch her skin.

  She is becoming an ossession for me.

  The more she does not want to show me or let me get closer, the more I do not think about anything else.

  And then contact is necessary for me.

  For those who like me dances and so much importance to the body and music is so... and me, in spite of myself, I would like to hear it for real.

  To tighten her, to taste her, to touch her...

  God!

  Another damn thought pushes me to desire her and I know I should not.

  Which is absurd.

  Sigh, I have to be good because i need her.

  I throw the bag on the lawn and while I do not know what the hell is Talia, I turn to look at the lake, whose water illuminated by the morning sun seems to shine, just rippled by a faint summer breeze.

  I inhale slowly, focused on the goal, as my brother taught me, though I hate him.

  I would do everything at the moment so as not to imagine her on the grass, naked, with me to cover- and to discover them- every inch of skin.

  The worst thing about this madness is that Talia does not even like me.

  I turn around and look at her. She wears leggins that wrap her skinny legs that I remember, a long-suffering girlfriend and a t-shirt.

  She is tying her hair just wavy in a hairdo on the head, or in a bun, and when she realizes that I'm watching, she looks at me and escapes a smile that makes me vibrate something.

  I only. Want. To dance.

  I need her only for this reason.

  I open the zip of my black sweatshirt but i don't lower the hood from the head, i like dance like this.

  "What?" she asks me, overshadowing every tought.

  I smile too even if i don't want to do this. When there is Talia, my body does everything alone.

  "I tought about the coreograpy" i come close to her ad i lie to her because i was thinking about her ass. "Let's start?" i stop in front of her and i show her my impatience.

  She nods. What she does not know is that if I do not focus on anything else, I could take her here now. I could kiss her, overturn it on the grass and make her mine.

  I hate what this little girl forces me to try, maybe she made me a spell and she's a witch.

  That's why Caroline has a broken leg and I'm fucking brains.

  That's why I find myself wanting the only thing I would never want, if I were still normal.

  "Let's start" she comments nodding with a sharp blow of the head and seems focused.

  Fortunately there is no one around here, the lake is silent and the morning sleepy, or we would look like two idiots dancing on the grass to the rhythm of a nonexistent music.

  She comes close to me and I try to concentrate on how to explain the steps, but as she moves forward I almost lose the orientation and it is not really from me.

  She is funny and beautiful in the same time for me.

  And i know that she is so clumsy that i will do a huge fatigue for this two hours, i'm sure of this, but suddenly i really love this idea.

  Because i will be able to touch her, because we will laugh and stay together.

  It's all so absurd that it doesn't seem real.

  Talia is near like me the last time, on my right, but i need to stop her righ now.

  "This time not near me, Koala. Behind me, or you don't see the steps, here we don't have mirror."

  Put her behind my back can help me to not think about her or look at her.

  "If i'm behind you back, you won't see if i will make a mistake."

  "I know that you will make amistake, i don't need to see. You need to be careful, Tal. From today we will make an intensive work out, and than you should be happy to be here instead of that boring Letterature's lesson that you were following."

  "I love letterature. And you shoul thanks me for having found you a similar natural frame" saying this she puts herself behind me while she pulls the sleeves of the hands and holds the ends in the fists. She seems so nervous, i notice that she always does this gesture. Maybe it's a way to protect herself, a kind of defense ritual.

  However I do not want to know more because I already love her when she does it and this morning, despite the heat and summer now coming, the cool breeze fits her chaste clothing and does not seem out of the world as usual.

  "How did you know this place?"

  "I live near here, I was always here when i was a child, as I told you" I hear her sigh and I realize that it's true, she already told me and I'm too distracted by her.

  Perhaps staying here, among other things, is not good for her. She looks sadder and her face is even more beautiful.

  More beautiful than when she is angry or clumsy, only I do not want her to know it, to tell the truth I would give anything to not even know it myself.

  Then I nod and I throw away all thoughts. There's nothing I have to refuse because she's not for me, stop.

  When I settle where I told her to stay, I do not turn around anymore, I empty my mind and start flying.

  "Okay, let's go. One, two, three, four and go" i start spinning on the heel,then i shake the shoulder, i lower and i jump with a vault in the air. A basic coreography, very simple.

  My open sweatshirt moves with me and i know that while we are dancing, she looks at my naked chest.

  She will be attracted from my skin that turns out and covers in every movement.

  God, why i'm interesting in this?

  "Don't force your muscles even you are not stretched, i want that you this morning memorize the coreography, okay? Learn the corepgraphy and after we will focus on the steps."

  "This seems so funny."

  I smile. " It's because it is not serious, lazy. For now, at least" she laughs and shakes her head, but she puts herself in position. "Come on. let's try. And one, two, three, four, tourn and down, jump and tourn. Are you here? Okay. Again. And one, two, three, four..."

  We go on for at least an hour, at the end of which of the five minutes of choreography that we will present at the competition, half of which I think she has already memorized perfectly.

  I can not ace even when I turn around and let her do it alone.

  Talia succeeds, she does it and it's not that bad either.

  She even hummed the tune that I sometimes whistled by moving with her.

  When she finished the last replay, I get up from the ground to which I had abandoned myself from fatigue and clap my hands with enthusiasm, closing my sweatshirt over my bare skin, as if I did not want to show anything else.

  I want to send her to the asylum.

  But she is happy and smiles at me with a red face, sweat beading her forehead and out of breath.

  Fuck, she's so erotic that I can not even explain how all this is possible.

  "Hey, great, you're halfway through, and now the worst is learning how to move."

  "The worst?"

  I go in front of her, her smile of victory for her mnemonic dowries, and when I stop at a step, she stiffens.

  She does not want me beside her, she does not let herself be approached, not to mention physical contact. It seems that only my bike works between us.

  I don't want more, but in a couple dancing the harmony and the physical contact are fonundamental.

  And she rejects the idea from the beginning.

  What i will do if i will try a socket and she will draw back, or also that day she will be rigid like now?

  "You need to be more fluid" i offer her both my hand.

  Talia looks at it, does a strange face and then she shakes her head laugs, or trying to laugh.

  "Be more fluid?"

  " You are right, i'm wrong. I must dissolve you" the wind plays with her hair, even if they are bound, and the sunlight makes
the same with her blue eyes, highlighting the gray specks that almost confuse their real color.

  "I don't believe this."

  "The hand."

  "What?"

  Winking at mine, still stretched under her nose, but perhaps it is already too much agitated to notice it.

  "Take my hands, let's get some grip, it's comfortable, there's the lawn and the lake, you're not going to fall on the hard floor." Okay? "

  "These were not foreseen... taken"

  "Talia, let's dance in two, we have to show."

  "I do not know if I can do it, I... I..."

  She's going to be confusing. I do not know why it happens, sometimes it happens, but I noticed it.

  It is as if she was estranged from the world, if she wanted to move elsewhere, to other distant and evil thoughts, detaching herself from the present.

  In fact, now look towards the lake, perhaps the horizon or the bridge that is not far from us.

  I have to bring her back here and to do it I have only one idea, I do not know if she will appreciate it but all of a sudden I want to try it, this thing.

  I'm the one who wants to face her emptiness, her black holes and, although she can not want to fill them with color, I'd like to try at least to level them, to fill them, so that they never collapse inside.

  Because she will be my partner and I need to win.

  I can not afford to fail this time and that's why I have to focus only on the Street's Black Game and nothing else.

  So now I have to report she here.

  "Talia" I call her because I know she does not hear me so much. Then I grab both hands and then with a sharp snap the shot towards me.

  Her body capitulates against mine and her eyes are barred in mine.

  And she comes back.

  I do not know if I've just earned the promise of a punch on the nose or her attention, I just know that as soon as I've got it on her, she's come back to me.

  .17.

  Talia

  Lilydale lake.

  The name of the lake is not really a coincidence.

  I didn't come here since a longe time.

  The first time i come here i was with Lily, and i don't know why this morning i tough that this was a good idea.

  In short, what idiocy, what did i want to show and to whom?

  What did i look for? The tranquillity of familiar places that devastate my soul even more?

  We made forty minutes of travel to get there and after only one hour of training I left, flew elsewhere.

  So I'm not at the lake anymore, with Jaxon but I'm here with Lily, on that bridge.

  Panting and sweating through the vaults and the steps just learned, I watch her stand behind the figure of Jax that is now like a shadow and the laughter of my sister echoes in my ears.

  "Someday a boy will take me here and will kiss me" she said to me.

  "Don't say bullshit, we are only two child."

  "Talk for you, Tally, i'm already an adult. I had just my cycle and i reached Grayson, do you remember? But it won't be him. A very near day an handsome boy that understand me, that will get me angry and that i'll like too much, will bring me here, will pull me me near him and will welcome me inside his hot arms before kiss me. Oh my God, Tally, i will have his eyes inside mine."

  Sbam!

  Jax's hands pull me, his arms they pull me and our breasts suddenly and here to perfection.

  And I have his eyes inside mine, deep inside.

  I'm on him.

  I lift my eyes back to the present and a tumult of emotions hits me in the chest.

  It is a cathartic moment, we are looking deeply into each other, looking for each other's eyes because maybe we both got lost.

  I saw him at his house the other day and he certainly noticed it in me a while ago.

  And now I feel him on me.

  And I want him, damn it, I would like him to chase the shadows out of the mine and kiss me.

  That contact gives me the creeps but I know I can not.

  I can not do this, I can not live Lily's dream, right in our place... not after I stole everything from her.

  I try to push Jax away, but he holds me tight.

  If he still had the sweatshirt open, I could feel his face skin.

  I would like to touch him, have his heat under your fingers.

  "Don't reject me, Talia, let our bodies know each other," he whispers in my ear.

  Oh God.

  I close my eyes and I swallow, I do not object trying to escape but I have not even relaxed.

  My throat is dry and I need to drink.

  Or to go crazy again.

  Or to die to ask for forgiveness.

  Or maybe just him.

  Of Jaxon.

  "You feel like they can be one and all... Let them recognize each other, let them feel... Where did you go, eh? I realize, you know, when you go away... There's something in your eyes and I see it... " Oh God, what's wrong with him?

  What does he do, does he try to psychoanalyze me too?

  I'm scared and yet I'm shuddering.

  "Do you see it?" I can ask, I do not know how I thank you, I can still manage to get the words right now, but I can do it.

  It's all too intense.

  The lake, the memories, Jax.

  He nods. "I see you."

  He really sees me. He does not look at me like he did before, until five minutes ago, I mean. Now he's careful, now he's busy and he's still on me.

  I'm afraid he can get over what I feel, the terror, the crazy heart, the chills.

  I would make a bad figure.

  I try to moisten my lips, I wonder what he wants from me, but he just scans, smiles, illuminating his face and then just moving his hand looking for mine and, when he finds it, he throws me so I swirl away from him .

  Dance.

  Jax is simply dancing because that's the only language that seems to know about perfection.

  I realize then that this is not Lily's dream, but mine.

  Not that I've ever wanted to dance before, but I like it.

  And we are here.

  I let him turn around and when he lifts me holding me by the side and turning in a circle with a laughing rhythm, as if I know what to do while I stretch a leg and bend the opposite and keep my arm stiff and steady, with my hand resting on his hard shoulder muscled.

  Maybe I saw it done in some film.

  "You hear it too, eh?"

  Jaxon first speaks and then starts doing all those strange steps that make him the best dancer

  I've ever seen.

  It's hip-hop but he does it his own way and at the end of the little show he jumps backwards.

  I am shocked.

  "Again. Together. Come on " he holds out a hand and I take it, because when they offer you the hand he lets them go and then someone else takes them and this time I will not allow it.

  He runs quite scenic towards the bridge. Every three steps he takes a turn, then I do it and when

  I come back from the rotation he approaches his face to mine.

  It is as if we both now hear the same music that is not there but that we hear equally. Identical.

  Arrived on the bridge, Jax puts his hands on the wooden railing and makes a wheel in flight, then he offers me one and pulls me towards himself.

  He lifts me from life and suddenly I find myself standing on the railing, poised.

  I'm not afraid, because at that point the music really starts.

  Jaxon pulls me down almost making me fly, we take the steps that taught me so far while around us, I do not know how, resounds Take on the world by You Me At Six.

  Just say the word

  we'll take on the world

  just say you're hurt

  we'll face the worst, oh

  i can see, see the pain in your eyes

  oh believe, believe me and i have tried

  no i wont, i won't pretend to know what you've been through

  you should know, i wish it was me not you

&nb
sp; and just say thw word

  we'll take on the world

  and just say you're hurt

  we'll face the orst

  nobody knows you th way that i know you

  look in my eyes i will nver dessert you

  and just say the word

  we'll take on the world

  I remember the coreography like i had to study it since centuries.

  I laugh while we are dancing on the bridge, like how i laugh while i talked with Lily about her dreams that, because of me, she'll never realize.

  Dreams that i destroyed.

  I try to not thinking about this, put this tought in a corner of my mind, and i am concentrated to look at Jax, to feel the music, how to move on those wooden boards that at every step we take, but which will not yield bacause we are light.

  And if he sees me, i feel it.

  I success to feel, to see that in such an absurd and so far way, he is like me.

  He has my same demons inside, my same empty place that noone is able to fill.

  Untill now.

  He grabs me from my back and he folds me backwards like into a casquet, his hand slips from my throat at my center, passing through the breasts and when he pulls me up, our faces are too close.

  I breathe on the mouth, I have the same eyes almost closed and I'm anchored with his arms around his neck like a real Koala.

  He too is short of breath and is holding me tight as if I belonged to him.

  A dense from the center of my stomach rises up to my throat and I wonder if I have to vomit or if I am about to faint, only that it does not succeed apart from his perfume that invades every cell of my body and his heat that radiates everywhere inside myself.

  I open my eyes and he is there, inside mine. We are still.

  We are tense.

  We keep each other.

  Man-hold: hold by hand.

  In this case, however, keeps me all, on the axis of the bridge on which Lily would have wanted the same for her.

  It does not matter, it does not matter, it does not matter, Talia.

  She is dead and you are alive.

  Do not die for her yet.

  Do not die with her.

  Never again.

  Also Isaac's voice that tells me that thing slowly moves away, swallowed up by what I feel here and now, in this strange and beautiful moment.

  I hold my breath so much that I can almost suffocate if he, so close, was not giving me his.