Spell It Out for Me

by Sarina Dorie

  “You make me sound like a sexual predator.”

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t act like one.”

  He sat down on one of the tables. “There’s an irony to this.” He stared at the floor.

  I crossed my arms. “If you’re going to say something about this is funny, you’re wrong.”

  “All the times I’ve told you not to touch me. All the times I’ve insisted you retain control of yourself and your affinity. Even when you didn’t, I never held it against you. Now here we are, and I’ve done exactly what I asked you not to do, and you’re the one who won’t forgive me.”

  It couldn’t have hurt more if he’d slapped me. He was calling me a hypocrite. And he was right. This was exactly why I hadn’t wanted to talk to him. He always wormed through my resolve to hate him. He excelled at manipulation as well as any snake-oil salesman.

  I attempted to refocus through the haze of anger. “The difference between us is that the times I touched you in the past, my magic accidentally seduced you because I didn’t know how to control it or suppress the feelings I have for you. You intentionally used my magic to try to manipulate me, to hurt me.”

  “Not to hurt you.” He sighed despondently. “I do care about you, Miss Lawrence. It is my hope you won’t allow my poor attempts to show you that to affect your safety. If you are regaining your affinity, you must learn to control and hide your magic—whether it’s Elric or me who teaches you. I just ask that you remain level-headed and safe. Please don’t allow your feelings about me to impair your education or Imani’s.” He stepped forward and reached out toward me.

  My spine went rigid. He dropped his hand.

  “Are you going to tell Jeb?” I asked. I had let it slip Elric was teaching me, so Thatch knew.

  “Why would you assume that? Do you think I would tell him out of spite? That if I can’t have you, I would get you and Imani both kicked out?”

  If I can’t have you. . . . Did that mean he truly wanted me? That kiss hadn’t just been about revenge and manipulation. He chipped away at my resolve to despise him. All those things he’d done weren’t simply to steal my magic and to get back at Elric? I couldn’t tell which façade was real—the one that said he cared or the one that claimed he didn’t the rest of the time.

  “If I told Jeb about you seeing Elric after his mandate that you weren’t allowed to, I suspect I would never see you again. As much as you might not believe me, it would . . . injure me if that were the case.” His eyes were so mournful I suspected he was telling the truth.

  Why did he have to be so heart wrenchingly honest now of all times? The wall I’d constructed around myself crumbled and fell. My breath hitched in my chest, and I started to cry. He removed a handkerchief from his pocket and placed it on the table beside me. I wanted him to hug me, but at the same time I didn’t. I hated it when I wanted two opposite things at once.

  “I don’t want us to be enemies. Will you please let me mentor you again?” he asked.

  Never had I heard him use the word “please” twice in one conversation. That meant something.

  I wiped away my tears. “I don’t think it’s a good idea we’re alone.” I waved a hand at Imani. “Can Imani sit in? It might be a good learning experience for her.”

  “Pain magic wouldn’t be appropriate for her to watch.”

  Pinching me wasn’t the worst thing she could witness. Then again, it was the idea that this kind of magic was so deeply forbidden that made it so scandalous. As if it wasn’t serious enough what we were doing with our Red affinities.

  “I can’t blame your . . . reticence to be around me. If I give you my word that I will perform my professional duties without bias or sentiment, can you find it in your heart to trust me to help you?” he asked.

  “I’ll think about it,” I said.

  It was three long days before I saw Elric again. I would have liked to see him sooner, but each time I had snuck out, I worried I was going to be caught. Every shifting shadow looked like someone following me. Sam caught me one of the times before ordering me back to the school. I was lucky it hadn’t been Jeb.

  Each time I saw Elric’s glowing face, radiant like an angel in the moonlight, relief washed over me. I told him of my worries that I’d been followed.

  “You’re safe. It’s probably just my guards. I tell them to stay near you to ensure you have safe passage,” Elric said.

  He guided me to the mossy canopy bed. I told him about my conversation with Thatch.

  He listened and held my hand, occasionally asking a clarifying question. I left out the personal details about pain magic since I knew Elric didn’t approve of that kind of use for the Red affinity. I omitted the part about Thatch admitting his feelings toward me. I still didn’t know what to do with that much information.

  If Thatch had confessed this much to me before, I would have been thrilled, but now I was with Elric. I was in love and happy. Everything about Thatch made me miserable.

  “Is there anything he can do that I can’t do for your mentoring?” Elric asked. He didn’t say it indignantly, more curiously than anything else.

  “Thatch is Witchkin. He’s trained witches before, so he understands the magic involved. He knew my mother, so he might know my weaknesses if I’ve inherited any from her.”

  Elric made a noncommittal, “Hmm.”

  I tried to think of a more convincing reason. “Do you remember when I told you about his fear chair? And how I sometimes see him in the meditation? You have magic, and you probably could create the same things, or you could just do scary things to push my magical buttons and see if I can control my magic. But I don’t want you to be scary. I want our relationship to be pleasant and positive.”

  “Me too.” He hooked an arm around me and snuggled closer.

  His physical touch made it hard to concentrate. That in itself was a lesson to overcome. “It’s not like I’m not wary. I am. But I think it’s the right thing to do.”

  “You don’t need to try to convince me if that’s what you’re attempting to do. It’s your decision, not mine.” He nuzzled my neck.

  I closed my eyes and sank against him. “I promised you I wouldn’t be alone with him.”

  “That wasn’t a magically binding oath. If you need this, I understand. But . . . I do wonder . . . won’t you at least ask if a friend can accompany you? Miss Bloodmire?”

  “Ugh, she’s not a friend. Maybe Josie, but I don’t think he’d allow it. They hate each other.” I didn’t even know how to get ahold of Josie without going into Lachlan Falls and using the Internet. Plus there was the pain-magic aspect that Thatch didn’t want anyone to observe.

  “Your charge? What is her name? Imani?”

  “I already asked. He didn’t think it was appropriate.”

  Elric peeled back the blankets and scooped me up to place me underneath them. “Well, then. There are no alternatives. Do what you must for the sake of your education. Only, I hope you won’t neglect your studies with me.”

  “Nope. I want to be teacher’s pet.”

  He murmured against my ear. “When are you going to bring me some of those sheaths we were talking about?”

  I laughed at that. “As soon as I go on a chaperoned day trip to Lachlan Falls. I don’t suppose you can bribe Vega into helping me out, can you?”

  “We’ll see what I can do. Until then, I hope to do lots of necking.”

  For days, I waited for Vega to appear to solve my prophylactic problems, but she didn’t. Thatch didn’t ask me to come down to the dungeon or to attend a private lesson with him again. I appreciated that he didn’t nag me about it.

  I went to him instead. Since he wasn’t in his office, I considered seeing if he had any paper in his desk to write him a note. I knew how he could be about his privacy. On the other hand, it was unlikely he would get mad at me about borrowing a paper from his drawer. I was the one who had every right to be mad at him. Getting a piece of paper from som
eone’s desk shouldn’t have been treated like a crime. He was the one always invading my privacy with the way he interfered with my love life.

  Perhaps it was the vindictive, wicked-witch side of me that I’d inherited from my mother that made me want to get back at him in a small and petty way.

  I opened the top drawer and it screamed. I didn’t let that deter me. Among the perfectly organized paper clips, rubber bands, ruler, stapler, and other office supplies in the drawer, I found a pad of paper.

  It was cute stationery with a border of stereotypical teacher items like apples, pencils, crayons, and school supplies. The pad of paper looked out of place in Thatch’s bland array of office supplies. It wasn’t his style at all. I used the quill on his desk to write out my note requesting we set up a time for us to practice magic together. I crossed that off, since that sounded like a pick-up line, and restarted.

  Felix Thatch,

  I am ready to resume lessons when it is convenient for you.

  Clarissa

  I tore off the top sheet and placed it on his desk. Upon returning the pad of paper to the drawer, I noticed an edge of watercolor paper covering part of the tray of office supplies. Curiosity got the better of me. Knowing I couldn’t resist seeing what he’d painted, I opened the drawer farther. I slipped the paper out.

  Immediately I recognized the piece. Painted in red and black washes was the watercolor portrait I’d made months before of Thatch. He’d told me he would burn it because he thought it had captured him so thoroughly he didn’t want anyone to see it. I replaced it in the back of the drawer, feeling unsettled.

  He’d lied to me. He’d made me think he’d destroyed my masterpiece. All along he’d kept it. Perhaps he did have feelings for me, but he’d been hiding them in a drawer where he wouldn’t have to think about them. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to have feelings for me after my mother’s betrayal.

  I didn’t see him at lunch, but later that day as Imani and I were studying in my classroom, he strode in through the front door. Imani smiled when she saw him, then looked to me as if asking permission to feel joy at his presence.

  “Good day, Miss Lawrence. I found your note on my desk.” He made no mention of being annoyed that I’d used his special teacher stationery or that I’d gone through his desk and invaded his privacy. Or that I’d found my painting in his desk.

  I waited for the shoe to drop. He strolled over to Imani. “What is Miss Lawrence torturing you with today?”

  “Magic isn’t torture!” she laughed.

  He teased her about being the one torturing me. I was only half listening. I watched him interact with her. His spine remained stiff. Tension kept him from relaxing even when he was joking. It was so hard to read him at times.

  He turned back to me. “I will be preoccupied the next few mornings with observations of potential students out in the Morty Realm. I would like to reserve afternoons for Imani’s lessons. Are you available in the evening after dinner?”

  He was actually trying to be amiable. For once he wasn’t bossing me around. It was as though he was actually putting effort into being a reasonable person.

  He shuffled from foot to foot, waiting for my reply. “Our lessons don’t have to be long. I’m not going to keep you from retiring to bed at a reasonable hour.”

  “Okay,” I said at last. “Let’s try for tomorrow.”

  He nodded. He made no motion to leave.

  “Is there anything else, Mr. Thatch?” I waited for him to chew me out about something as he was wont to do.

  “The other day when I was in the Morty Realm, I saw this and thought of you.” He removed a rectangle of cardboard from his pocket. It slowly expanded. As he turned it over, I saw it was the pad of teacher stationery I’d spotted in his drawer earlier.

  He handed it to me. “I meant to wrap it for you, but seeing as you found it today already. . . .” He grimaced, looking more self-conscious than ever. “I decided it wasn’t a surprise anymore.”

  “Oh,” I said. I couldn’t remember him ever giving me anything—other than a lump of coal at Christmas to be funny. “That’s thoughtful.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. It was kind of a big deal.

  Imani hunched over her books, pretending not to pay any attention to the awkward adult interaction going on.

  “Um,” I said.

  He continued standing there. Maybe he wanted me to do something. I wasn’t going to give him a hug.

  “I’m going to Lachlan Falls later,” he said. “Let me know if you or Imani need anything.”

  I needed condoms, but I wasn’t going to ask him to pick those up for me. “Is there any chance you would take Imani and me with you? It might be nice for her to have a change of scenery. What do you think, Imani?”

  She stood, eyes full of excitement. “Can I go to the Internet café?”

  “Do you have money to pay for it?” I asked.

  She groaned. “No.”

  If I paid for half an hour of Internet for her, that meant I might be able to get away and go shopping without her.

  Thatch stared into my eyes, the intensity of the gray storm clouds in his own making his expression all the more somber. “I was planning on going after dinner, if that isn’t too late for you. I would be delighted to have company.” From the flatness of his voice, he didn’t sound like someone who would be delighted, but I never could tell with Thatch.

  He waved at Imani and left.

  She tried to hide her smile under her hand, but the giggles gave her away. “So, you and Mr. Thatch are friends again?”

  “Maybe.”

  She craned her neck to see out the door. Thatch was probably still in the stairwell on the way down to the dungeon.

  She snickered. “You have him wrapped around your little finger, don’t you?”

  “Shush.” I crossed my arms and shook my head at her. “I don’t know what you mean.” I said it quietly so he wouldn’t hear if he was close by.

  “Right. How does it feel to have two boyfriends?” she whispered.

  “I don’t have two boyfriends.” I tried to sound authoritative and teacherly, but I doubted I accomplished it. I was too much in awe of the idea that she might be right.

  She snorted. “Right. You have a Faerie prince and someone else who wants to be your boyfriend.”

  I held up a finger in warning. “Beeswax.”

  She burst out laughing. We went back to practicing Gaelic. After a minute she said, “Maybe it’s good you’re dating a prince.”

  I didn’t want to encourage the conversation. “Let’s focus on verb conjugation.”

  “I mean, it made Mr. Thatch jealous, didn’t it? You had a crush on him, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Now—”

  “I did not!” Heat immediately flushed to my face.

  “Come on. Everyone could see it. Even your mom.”

  My fairy godmother had hinted at it plenty. I covered my face with my hands. My life was one endless trial of humiliations with public spectators to point out my failures. “Let’s get back to work.”

  “But I’m right about it being a good thing. Mr. Thatch has seen you aren’t going to wait around for him forever. It means he has to woo you. He’s going to have to work really hard because he has strong competition. I mean, you’re dating a Faerie prince.”

  “They prefer to be called Fae, not Faerie,” I corrected. “Faerie is the realm they live in.” I tried not to let myself get carried away with the rest of her words, but that was all my mind wanted to think about. “I don’t think Mr. Thatch is trying to woo me. I think he’s trying to make up for making me mad.”

  But she was right about Thatch having stiff competition. Elric was perfect. He was sweet, understanding, and considerate. He listened and supported my decisions, even when he didn’t like them. He hadn’t attacked Thatch. He’d kept his word and not dueled.

  I sighed in frustration, thinking of Thatch and how stupid it had been f
or him to try to fight with Elric. What had he been thinking? Was he so ornery he just went around kicking hornet nests because he didn’t know what else to do?

  It occurred to me that might be the case.

  Jeb was gone at dinner. The three of us sat, eating burnt lentil stew. My stomach protested every bite. Imani ate a heel of bread, but I suspected it was the same bread we’d been eating all week from how stale it had grown.

  Thatch set down his spoon. “Miss Lawrence, would it be too inappropriate to suggest. . . ?” He cleared his throat.

  I feared what he would suggest. Dating? Dumping Elric? Was he actually going to do this now in front of Imani?

  He glanced from me to Imani. “What do you think about ice cream for dinner?”

  Imani’s eyes went wide. “Do you have ice cream?”

  “I thought we could walk over to Lachlan Falls and get some there. One of the restaurants makes handcrafted ice cream in the summer.” His lips curled up in a tentative smile. “My treat.”

  Half an hour later we were in Lachlan Falls eating ice cream, laughing about how horrible cafeteria food was.

  “Why don’t you go do your errands?” I suggested. “Imani and I will go into other shops.”

  “I can’t leave you alone. I’m your chaperone.” He nodded toward the sky. There were no ravens in sight, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t swoop down if we were left unattended.

  “Does that mean we can’t go to Happy Hal’s?” Imani asked.

  “You and I can go,” I said. “Mr. Thatch doesn’t have to wait there with us as he does his shopping, right?”

  He hesitated. “No. I suppose not. No Fae would step foot in that establishment, nor would most sensible Witchkin.” His lips turned down in disapproval. He must have been trying really hard not to be a killjoy. He didn’t outright object.

  I smiled. “It’s settled, then. Imani and I will surf the Internet for an hour while you run your errands. That’s what Khaba used to do.”