Spell It Out for Me

by Sarina Dorie

  “You’re going to spoil my appetite for Womby’s delicious school food.” He nibbled on the cookie and nodded in appreciation. He looked to me. “Pray, what delicacy did you contribute?”

  “The blackberry pie and the chocolate pudding.”

  “And the love,” my mom said with a wink.

  My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

  After dinner, Thatch ate two servings of pudding and two slices of blackberry pie. He didn’t touch the apple, even though I was pretty sure that was one of his favorites. Every time I looked up from my food or turned from conversation with my mom, I found him staring at me. The tortured gaze always disappeared under a smile and compliment of something he was eating.

  Afterward my mom insisted all of us watch a movie together like a family.

  “It’s getting late. I don’t want to impose,” Thatch said.

  “Nonsense. It’s summer vacation. It doesn’t matter if the girls stay up for an extra hour watching a movie before you head back.”

  The adults sat on the couch while Imani and Maddy sat on the floor. The girls chose Lord of the Rings, one of my favorites. I didn’t know if they selected it because it was long or because it was about a magic land where good triumphed over evil.

  My mom insisted on sitting next to the end of the couch, an obvious attempt to play matchmaker. She curled her feet underneath her, taking up so much room it forced me to sit closer to Thatch. He couldn’t have been pressed closer to the other armrest if he’d been sitting on it.

  Only once did he touch me, his fingers pressing against my wrist. The sensation sent a shiver of delight through me.

  “Thank you for dinner,” he whispered.

  He drew his hand back, but the longing in me remained.

  I leaned closer to him. “I thought you weren’t supposed to thank Witchkin.”

  He craned his neck downward. His breath was warm on my ear, tickling the hairs against my neck. “You can if you trust her.”

  That was an incredible compliment.

  I started to say something, but Imani turned around and shushed me. “No talking during the movie.”

  Maddy elbowed her.

  My mind wasn’t on the movie. It was on Thatch, so close but so far away. He crossed one leg over the other, his knee momentarily bumping mine. He smiled sheepishly, like an awkward teenager.

  The longing inside me built. I wanted to sit cuddled up to him, even though it would have been a bad idea on so many different levels. He wouldn’t have permitted me to do so with students present. I wouldn’t have permitted myself to do that while Elric was my boyfriend.

  Thatch leaned his head against his hand on the armrest, his expression one of utter boredom. It was hard to tell if it was part of his façade or not.

  The craving for his touch didn’t diminish. It was so unbearable to be in the same room with him that I excused myself to go into the kitchen. The perishable food was already wrapped up, but we hadn’t packed up the food we’d take with us, so I busied myself with corralling cookies into Ziplocs and slicing up the remaining pie.

  As I tackled the pile of dishes in the sink, Thatch’s low voice rumbled over the splash of water, “Need any help?”

  His nearness startled me. I dropped an oily pan in the sudsy water. “I’ve got it. Thanks.”

  He edged back, looking momentarily sheepish. “Are you truly turning down an offer to wash dishes for you?”

  I waved a gloved hand his way, soap bubbles floating into the air. “You’re a guest. You should be enjoying the movie with the kids.”

  “I tried to be a good guest and tolerate that insipid movie, but I hate. . . .” He looked like he was struggling for the right word. “I prefer genres of books and film other than fantasy.”

  I laughed at that. “You live in a fantasy world.” It seemed like he would appreciate books and movies that more closely resembled his life.

  “Fantasy is escapism. Except when you live in it. I prefer reality. Or someone else’s reality.”

  I could understand that. For me, the Unseen Realm was a kind of escape—except when I had needed to escape from escape for a couple of days. “Is Little Women your escapism?” His bookshelves were lined with classics. “Little House on the Prairie? The Count of Monte Cristo?”

  “Morty problems are so quaint and comforting.” He smiled and gave a little shrug.

  I never would have thought that about him.

  He nodded to the yellow gloves I wore. “Now, move over and allow me to wash dishes so I have an excuse for not watching that rubbish out there.”

  “Just because you don’t like fantasy, doesn’t mean it’s garbage.”

  “I beg your pardon. Let me try again.” He tugged at the extra space at the fingertip of one of my rubber gloves, easily removing the loose plastic from my hand. “Please move over so I don’t have to pretend to enjoy an insipid film some people consider delightful entertainment.”

  I laughed, finding his insults comforting in their snarky familiarity. Niceness from him I didn’t know what to do with. Crabby was normal.

  Thatch stole my other glove and attempted to wear them. As large as they were on me, they were too small for him and stretched over his fingers like the casings of overstuffed sausages.

  He washed and I dried. Mostly he worked in silence, but he occasionally teased me about lacking in diligence in my skills as a dish dryer because I missed spots. I told him he was a sloppy dishwasher because he left occasional suds on a pot or dish.

  He scooped up a handful of bubbles and planted them over my mouth and nose. I wiped them away and splashed lukewarm water and bubbles onto him. He apparently knew enough about the Morty Realm and human technology to understand the water sprayer could be pulled away from the sink for cleaning—or squirting people. He sprayed me with warm water. Laughing, I scooped up a pan I’d just dried and dipped it into the sink to pour on him. Thatch dropped the sprayer, tackled the pan out of my hand, and dropped it back into the sink. I slapped his hand away from the sprayer.

  We were both laughing so loud and making so much noise I was surprised no one came running. His arms were wrapped around me, pinning my arms to my sides. My smile faded as I realized how close we were. The joy in his expression turned somber as he stared down at me.

  My heart thudded in my chest. I thought about the last time he’d kissed me. I had wanted it, even as I’d told myself it was a bad idea. The same thoughts flooded through me now. The same feelings.

  It hurt so much not to kiss him.

  He released me, his expression stricken as he stepped back. “I beg your pardon. I would prefer not to cause you to think less of me later.” He backed away. “I’ll finish watching that delightful fantasy film now.”

  At school I had four letters in my box from Elric. It wasn’t that I hadn’t dropped him a note from the school to say where I was going, but my letter than been short and vague. All I’d said was I would be at my fairy godmother’s house for a few days.

  Every letter from Elric was filled with questions about my health and well-being. He asked if he’d said or done anything wrong, if Thatch had done something, or if I was angry. It was late, but I sat at my desk to write to him so I could send it out in the morning. I hated that I had been so thoughtless and made him worry.

  When I finally met up with him at our secret rendezvous point the next night, he covered my face with kisses. I wanted to tell him about the condoms and how happy I was to see him. Instead the words got lost in all the kissing. I squeezed him tightly, not wanting to let him go. My head fit perfectly against his chest.

  “I missed you,” I said. I meant it. I leaned in close and smelled his scent of sandalwood and citrus. The perfume of his skin made my mouth yearn to taste his lips.

  He lifted me into his arms and carried me over the path. “I hate all this secret business we have to resort to. We can’t even talk by mail. My father’s ball is in less than two weeks, and he’s invite
d you as a special guest. I couldn’t tell you about any of that by letter, and I worried you wouldn’t be back in time. I need to prepare you. They’re going to ask you questions.”

  Two weeks? I had to prove my love to him in less than fourteen days? This couldn’t have come at a worse time.

  “We can talk now,” I said.

  “Why did you leave? What happened?”

  “Nothing. I just needed to see my fairy godmother. I missed her, and I needed someone to talk to.” That was a partial truth. It felt like a lie on my lips. I tried to give him a little more. “I felt overwhelmed and needed to get out of the school.”

  “Are you afraid of going to the Silver Court?”

  I hesitated. That was only part of it. I wrestled with the truth inside myself. Was I the kind of person who lied to spare someone’s feelings, or did I tell the truth, even when it hurt someone temporarily, only to make one stronger in the end? I didn’t see how my feelings for Thatch could make Elric stronger.

  “I had a magic lesson with Felix Thatch,” I said. “I needed some space from him afterward.”

  “Ah.” He kissed my forehead. “Did he touch you?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Well, when I woke up, his hands were on my arms, but I think that was to stop me from taking off my clothes.”

  “What?” He stopped kissing me and drew back. “You have my complete attention.”

  I explained the state I’d found myself in when I’d woken from my meditations.

  “Fie!” he said. The way he spat out the word made it sound like he was swearing.

  “I’m having a hard time telling the difference between what’s happening in my head and what’s happening outside of my head,” I admitted. “He thought I was fantasizing about you, at least.”

  He was silent, his body tense. “Did he ask you to remove your clothes before you meditated?”

  I swallowed. “He didn’t ask. I mean, he’s mentioned it, but he didn’t tell me I had to.”

  He groaned. “Why do you have to be so innocent and trusting? He’s planting suggestions into your mind before you meditate and then your subconscious is acting on them.”

  “That isn’t what’s happening.”

  “No? Then let’s consider the other possibility. Are you certain he isn’t undressing you or molesting you while you’re meditating? And don’t say you know he isn’t capable of such a thing. You are completely biased.”

  An owl hooted somewhere in the distance, and branches rustled. I stared out into the shadows, hoping these sounds came from animals, not a principal spying on me or the Raven Court about to attack.

  I returned my attention to him. “How can I say for sure what’s happening around me when I’m meditating in an altered state? I can’t prove he’s guilty or innocent. I assume—”

  “Yes, you can.”

  “I can assume?”

  “Here’s how I know he’s guilty. He won’t allow you to have witnesses.”

  I sighed in exasperation. “I wanted to have a nice evening with you. I bought condoms. I didn’t want to have to talk to you about this right now.”

  “Just hear me out. There is only one way for you to know you’re safe. You need someone to observe what he’s doing, physically and magically. You need a concealed witness to make sure his lesson is teaching you magic, not taking advantage of you.”

  “And I suppose you want that person to be you?”

  “Is there someone else you trust instead? Someone impartial like Miss Bloodmire?”

  Vega always had her agenda—and her price. Nor did I trust her with what she might observe in my private lesson with Thatch. She was the last person who needed to find out about my skills in forbidden magic.

  “No,” I said at last. There was no one else I wanted to share the secrets of my affinity with. It was bad enough Thatch and Elric both knew. If someone else like my friend Josie found out, it would put her in danger.

  Elric took my hands in his. “Do you love me?”

  I hesitated, uncertain where he would go with this. “Yes.”

  “Do you trust me not to share your secrets?”

  “Yes,” I said with more confidence.

  “Then you have nothing to fear. You know I’m going to be there to help you, not judge you.”

  Panic welled up inside me. He’d already made his verdict about pain and blood magic clear. “You will judge me. You’ll see he’s teaching me forbidden magic and lump me into the same caste as all the other Reds the Fae killed centuries ago.”

  Elric tilted his head to the side, eyeing me skeptically. “Clarissa, just because your affinity is forbidden, doesn’t mean I’m going to stereotype you as a necromancer or a blood mage.”

  “But what if I am a blood mage or a necromancer? Or someone who has done those things with my affinity? Don’t you get it? Part of my learning involves controlling the darker powers, the hurt and the pain, not just all the happy, sensual magic inside me.”

  “Oh.” The confusion on his face shifted to surprise and then to disgust and finally to relief. “You don’t kill people with your gift. Other than that one teacher who attacked you and assaulted your students?”

  “No. But I might accidentally if I don’t figure out what to do with pain when it hits me.”

  His embrace became consoling. “So this is what Felix Thatch teaches you that you’ve been afraid for me to know about? It’s the reason you still allow him to mentor you?”

  “He teaches me the lessons that would disgust you or hurt you to teach me.” Mentally hurt him and probably physically as well. It was unlikely Elric would be able to survive an electrical storm.

  “I understand. Will you allow me to observe one of his lessons? It will help me see if I can teach what he teaches, and I will see if he is taking advantage of your vulnerable state.”

  I had reservations about this idea, but ultimately I agreed because I had to know.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Prince of Pleasure and Professor of Pain

  I couldn’t fathom how Fae magic worked. They didn’t use spells or utter magic words. There was no need for potions, and they didn’t draw power from a particular element. Elric thought of what he wanted, and he made it happen.

  Most of the time his magic went without detection, save for the problems he’d caused in our school’s wards.

  With the Fae ball coming up, the sooner I figured out my Thatch issues the better. I needed to definitely say I loved Elric more than any other man alive—or whatever it was the king would ask me to proclaim. Elric suggested I go to Thatch the following morning to set an appointment for that afternoon, but Imani usually had lessons in the afternoon. Even so, I knew Thatch would agree to it if I asked him. I had a feeling he would agree to just about anything I asked of him.

  “This time, if he suggests you remove your clothes before you meditate, you should do it. Then I’ll truly be able to see what that unscrupulous miscreant does.”

  “No. Why? No.”

  “I won’t let him touch you. The moment he does, I will reveal myself and stop him from molesting you.”

  That sounded like a bad idea all around.

  Elric grinned wickedly. “Plus, it will make it far more entertaining for me because I’ll get to see you naked.”

  I smacked him in the arm for that.

  Felix Thatch did agree to my request for a lesson that afternoon. I gave Imani a study guide to work on in my classroom to brush up on her Latin which we’d been neglecting while I switched appointment times with her.

  “So is it a lesson you have with Mr. Thatch or a date?” she asked.

  “A lesson,” I said sharply.

  “A lesson like you had at Mrs. Lawrence’s house while you were in the kitchen with Mr. Thatch?”

  Heat flushed to my face. “We were washing dishes.”

  I prayed Elric didn’t arrive early and hear those comments. I went to my dorm room and found E
lric waiting there. I was tense and nervous. My stomach churned.

  Elric rubbed my shoulders. “There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Best case scenario, he won’t know I’m there, and I leave with you and debrief you afterward. Worst case scenario, he tries something ungentlemanly, and I intervene.”

  That was what I was afraid of. I wanted to call off my lesson. Finding out the truth was so much worse than living in ignorance. Only, it wasn’t really.

  I kept thinking back to what my mom and I had discussed about their two opposite personalities. Which did I prefer? The hard truth or blissful ignorance? Did I want to be stronger or happy? I couldn’t tell up from down anymore, let alone what I wanted.

  Elric made himself invisible and undetectable as he shadowed me down to the dungeon. Thatch was cordial upon seeing me, complimenting me for gifting him with a bag of cookies from my mom’s house. His friendly chatter unnerved me.

  “Is everything all right, Miss Lawrence?”

  “Yeah. I just . . . my magic is out of whack today.” I was a horrible fibber.

  He nodded. “We’ll see if we can remedy that. Is there anything particular you wish to focus on?”

  “Just the usual affinity fear chair magic stuff.”

  He opened a drawer and handed me a gray wool blanket that looked as though it had come from one of the student dorms upstairs.

  I stared at it stupidly. “What is this for?”

  “I suspected you might ask.” He smiled, a cheerful stranger of his usual self. “You can cover yourself while you remove your sweater and leggings to preserve your modesty. And then you can keep the blanket on and stay warm. Your arms and legs and part of your back will still be in contact with the chair, but the rest of you will remain covered.” He lifted himself a little taller. “I thought it was an adequate compromise.”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  Something poked my elbow. Elric probably. I pretended I didn’t feel it. I wasn’t sure if he was bringing my attention to what Thatch had done or that I had thanked him. Or maybe he was trying to tell me he thought I should undress. Or that I shouldn’t. I didn’t know what he was saying.