Descendants of Hagar

by Nik Nicholson

  Grabbing my wrist in a firm grip, Miemay stare in my eyes like she bout to say something, but she waiting for the words to come. Then ‘a breathing go all over the place, sound like a tornado in ‘a chest.

  I get scared, want to help ‘a calm down but cain’t figure out how. Maybe I do need somebody else here.

  Then she say, heaving and holding on to me, “Don’t give nothing away.” She heave, and I wipe my eyes trying not to scare ‘a by getting upset. “Do ya hear me talkin ta ya, gull?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I cry.

  “Don’t chu neva do nothing you ‘on wont. You ain’t wont ta git marred,” she breathe pacing ‘aself, waiting for the words. “Don’t chu let nobody force yo hand. You strong. You be strong. Don’t let them break you. You ain’t got ta be broke. You free, gull,” she cry, trying to get the words out, so I put my hand on her’s.

  “Please, Miemay,” I cry too, wonting ‘a to calm down.

  “I was born ta be broke,” she cry. “You ain got ta let nobody break you,” she say, out of breath. “You free, gull.” She sip air nodding ‘a head looking at the ceiling.

  “Miemay!”

  She lay back easy, looking at the ceiling, but a grip still tight.

  I look in ‘a eyes. When she silent, I get silent, and breathe easy. She take deep breaths and settle ‘aself.

  I wipe my face with my free hand and sit down next to ‘a bed.

  “Linny?”

  “Yes, ma’am?” I lean over her.

  “Promise ya Miemay,” she say breathing like the words trying to go to sleep forever. “Promise ya Miemay, you won’t neva ever let folks tek what’s yorn.”

  I cain’t move, I feel like she bout to die in front of me and that rattles me. I want to be here for ‘a and I want to be strong. I’m a tree and the wrist she clinging to a branch.

  “Promise!” She demands, scaring me back to feeling, thinking, to speaking.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I say softly, to calm ‘a down.

  “Say it,” she order, sounding almost normal.

  “Say what, Miemay?” I whisper stroking ‘a hair, trying to keep ‘a calm. I hold ‘a hand, and kiss the back of it.

  “Say you gone always folla yo heart. Say you won’t let nobody tek what’s yorn.”

  “I’m gone always follow my heart,” I repeat, sadly, “and I won’t never let nobody take what’s mine.”

  She squeeze my hand, and shake it relieved. “You was like my own baby,” she whisper.

  Again, I kiss ‘a hand and look at ‘a. I hold ‘a hand to my cheek.

  “No matta what yo daddy Cash say, or how he act, know yo daddy love you, gull. He loves you.”

  “I wish you could live forever,” I speak clear, as the tears fall heavy. I wipe my face on my apron.

  “Den I wouldn’t neva know what’s pass this.” She speak like ‘aself now. “Ain’t no endings, somethin always beginnin.” She get silent and ‘a grip get weak.

  I’m so glad when I hear the front door close, and Reverend Patrick’s heavy footsteps coming back to ‘a room. Soon as he close, I say, “Come on.”

  He come in and stand behind me. I’m glad somebody else here to share this moment.

  “She don’t wont me here. Said she wont ‘a girls to walk ‘a home,” I mumble almost like somebody else talking. I’m disappointed and relieved, she don’t wont me there to see ‘a die.

  He put his hand on my shoulders, like he understand. Then Miemay look up at him gasping.

  “Hurry,” I whisper to Reverend Patrick. “Want me to read you something?” I offer Miemay.

  She nods yes, her eyes fixed on ‘a lap now. Her whole body seem to be winding out each breath, and she got to remember to breathe.

  I get the Bible. When I go to sit back down beside ‘a, her eyes stop me, then she throw ‘a hand motioning towards my reading chair. I obey. I’m a tree. I sit down and start reading.

  I don’t know how long I’m reading when I hear Miemay stirring in the bed again. When I look up from the Bible, Miemay sitting up. This time with ‘a back to me and she facing the bedroom door. She sitting up straight, and done threw ‘a legs over the edge but ‘a breathing still ragged. She ain moving like it sound, she solid. I wonder if she finally gotta use it, or maybe she want that stew.

  Then she push ‘aself off the bed on ‘a feet. I jump up to help, but she give me that look that stop me dead in my tracks and let me know, she don’t wont no help. I start to get close in case she fall. She put ‘a hand up fanning me away.

  Then she walk out in the hall, like it ain’t nothing. When I follow, one of them, Ondrea or Matilda standing in the hall too. Since they here, and I know she might have to use it, I go back cause she gone need ‘a cane.

  When I reach to get ‘a cane from the side of the bed, I see Miemay still laying in the bed with ‘a long white hair spread all over the pillows. I panic, turn back around, then run out in the hallway again. Miemay and the woman gone. I go back in the bedroom, and look down at Miemay in the bed, confused. She blinking and breathing like a new baby again.

  I look over in the corner where I was reading, and I’m still sitting there, sleep. I walk over to myself and examine how my chest rise and fall. I look back at Miemay’s body on the bed, how her chest labor to rise and fall, then at the bedroom door, realize it’s closed.

  All of a sudden something grab my arm, and I jerk away all out of sorts cause I don’t see nothing. The more I pull the tighter its grip on my arm. That’s when I see Miemay’s face, as I focus, she looking browner, younger.

  My heart racing so fast it’s hurting my throat. Then I realize, Iain looking at Miemay, it’s Matilda’s face. Don’t know when I sat back down, but Matilda is shaking me awake. The way she shaking me, feel like she been doing it a while and trying to do it gently. When I come to, she put ‘a finger to ‘a lips for me to be quiet. I can hear Miemay’s breathing deep and loud.

  Ondrea examining Miemay, when her other daughters walk in, Catherine and Nessa. Nessa look at Ondrea for a report. “That’s the rattle, won’t be long now,” Ondrea whisper sadly, wrapping a shawl tighter round ‘aself, like it’s strength in it.

  Matilda gives Ondrea a look of warning, not to speak so openly with Miemay laying right there. Then she usher me on.

  “Wait,” I whisper, looking down at Miemay. I get close to ‘a face, almost nose to nose.

  She pull the cover up to ‘a own face digging a body in the bed like she trying to get away, like I’m scaring ‘a. She don’t know who I am or where she at, and I realize, I don’t know who laying there neither. It’s a relief. I don’t feel like I’m leaving ‘a now, I know she already gone.

  Chapter Ten

  PROMISES

  “It’s okay to cry.” Ella wrap ‘a arm in mine, tears streaming down ‘a face.

  I feel like a tree. I don’t even look at ‘a.

  “I know yall was close,” she go on, wiping ‘a eyes.

  I don’t feel sad, I feel numb. I try to understand all this. Miemay the first person close to me to die. I sit quiet, and watch as one person after another say what they gone miss. Half these folks didn’t even come see ‘a, knowing she was dying.

  They thought she was crazy, possessed or they didn’t want to see ‘a dying. After Miemay asked after folks, why she hadn’t seen ’em, word came back, this grandchild or that one wanted to remember her the way she was last time they seen ‘a. I remember how ‘a face fell, receiving that kinda news.

  I start to feel something growing in me, but it ain’t no sadness or no tears coming. It’s rage. I hate the ugliness people showed ‘a after all she been through, after all she done for us.

  All the reasons Miemay was alienated while she was living, make funny stories now, make ‘a endearing. Now folks want to remember how she saved them or their children from yellow fever. Now they want to put ‘a up on a pedestal when she ain’t here. People talking like they was out at the stream fishing with Miemay a week fore she died.

  Humph! I
just cain’t understand this, them, and how it all works. We don’t tell people we love ’em when they here, but we go on and on bout how wonderful they is when they gone. Feel like they using ‘a death as a way to get they own attention, and it ain’t about saying good bye. Everybody putting on they best show, see who can play the saddest.

  Reverend Patrick lift his hand to me. “Want to say a few words?”

  I respond shaking my head no, but I want to shout, “NO!” as I’m realizing funerals ain’t for the dead, they for the living.

  I wish I could’ve played “This Little Light of Mine” for Miemay. She loved that song. She liked to see me play the piano too, specially since she paid this white lady to give me piano lessons. Then forced Daddy nem to carry me to them lessons every Saturday. Use to come to church whenever she knew I was playing. Hearing this slow funeral drudge, I’m starting to miss the piano and I think about the one in ‘a house.

  Finally, the pallbearers carry ‘a body out. Then we all surround the hole dug too soon. I just keep shaking my head “no” as I feel the anger coming up. Grit rub my back cause she think I’m feeling down, but ‘a hand making the anger so hot, I jerk away.

  “Let ‘a go,” Ella tell Grit, as I wrap my arms round myself. Then I go settle on the other side of ‘a grave. They think I’m taking ‘a death hard. It’s the way she was treated in life that’s bothering me. I watch as they lower Miemay’s body in the ground.

  Reverend Patrick says, “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.” Then we all throw flowers on ‘a coffin.

  I plan to take some of the flowers from Miemay’s garden, and plant them at home. Wonder if Mama would mind having them in her garden.

  Somehow, I know when Reverend Patrick came earlier last night fore she died, she was probly slow to respond cause she been getting in and out of ‘a body. I’m remembering how she looked like a new baby sometimes, just like she did right before she left for good.

  Now I’m sure, I what’n dreaming. Wonder if I done been dead too, since I seen Miemay and ‘a mama in the hall. I know if folks knew what I’m thinking, they’d say I was crazy, too.

  Part of me soothed knowing she ain in that box and ‘a spirit free. Some part of me finds comfort knowing, I’m gone see Miemay again when it’s my time. Iain afraid of death no more. Feel like I know what to expect. Since in a way, I already been there.

  ***

  “Alright now,” Mr. Prescott, the lawyer from Beaumontville, calls our attention, standing to read Miemay’s will. All the immediate family back in the church, waiting for something. Uncle Victor and his wife already say they gone take the house. Everybody agree, Uncle Victor is the oldest living male in Miemay line.

  I’m thinking bout how Miemay put off dying til ‘a house was finished, but ain’t never sleep a single night in it. I try to swallow the hurt. Miemay told me what to do with my pain and tears. But what to do with rage?

  I’m so many generations down, Ion even know why I got to be here. I need some time to myself, to think, to breathe. It feels bad being here. Her girls already raided ‘a house, and divided ‘a things up. Her sons seem to be celebrating ‘a passing thinking bout what they gone get, more than what we all lost. But the lawyer say we all got to be here. It was one of Miemay’s last wishes.

  Wish just once I’da told ‘a how much I loved ‘a, even though folks don’t go round talking bout that. Folks brag on they kids to each other, but don’t never tell they children how proud of them they is. They fuss over ’em, and give ’em a hard time to prove it. I tried to give Miemay space and peace in ‘a last days. Did whatever I could to let ‘a live how she wonted. I know she know, but I still wish Ida told ‘a, just once.

  From now on, I’m gone say how I feel. Gone do what I feel more, and stop being scared. I’m not gone be quiet no more less it’s what I wont. Iain gone let nobody else tell me who to be or how to be. I’m gone be happy with my little time in this here body.

  “She a gull! Cain’t live by ‘aself!” Daddy break my train of thought, save me from tears and I realize everybody eyes on me.

  Mr. Prescott continues, and I’m hearing what he saying for the first time since he began speaking. “It was the wish of Madelyn Belanger to leave all of her material property to Madelyn Remington. As an executive of the court, I hereby award Madelyn Remington the land with the house and cabin on it, the tenant properties, and the store.”

  Now I feel like I’m dreaming. Anchored, I sit silent. I try to wrap my mind round the moment, the idea of owning anything and especially that big house. I look around again. They ain’t just looking, they glaring. If looks could kill.

  Uncle Victor’s wife stands up sharply staring at me like I challenged ‘a, then turns to walk out, but passes out in the isle. Everybody run to ‘a aid.

  Feel like I just did something wrong. I think this is too much for me. What I know bout running a store or some properties? I shake my head “no” as it all comes to me. Now I know why Miemay introduced me to the tenants three years ago. I think about how she had me going to pick up the rent, or sent me to fix things.

  Miemay pushed me to read everything, and learn everything I could. She said because she couldn’t read, she needed my eyes to keep ‘a from getting cheated. She asked me to give ‘a updates, especially when things ain match up. On my word, she’d confront Ernest about shortages. I been balancing the books, running the store sometimes, and making orders for years.

  “Ain even no man got that much property here in Zion,” one of my uncles complain.

  “Give a gull all that, and now she got a say in thangs,” an older male cousin cosigns, looking at me angrily. You would think I wrote the will myself.

  “I’m Miemay’s oldest male child!” Uncle Victor pound out on his chest. “It should be a law against this,” he protests looking at me like I swindled him out of his inheritance.

  I agree, I don’t deserve all this. I just breathe and look at the white lawyer.

  “It’s gone be done.” Reverend Patrick look over at me seriously. “It’s Miemay’s dying wish, and if this what she wonted to do with ‘a own thangs, we got to respect that.” He look at me for a long time. Then walk over and hand me the keys to ‘a house.

  For a moment, I wish Iain never go back to get Miemay’s cane. For a moment, I wish I’d gone with ‘a, but I keep my head up. I listen as Mr. Prescott speaks for ‘a, and lists the things as they are to be given to each of her living children.

  I realize she was buying gifts for folks, and ordering things preparing for this moment. She make sure some folks got things they’d been working towards, saying they needed or wanted. I listen as she gives away dishes and jewelry to ‘a daughters, and granddaughters. She left one of my cousins enough money to go away to college, and paid his first year’s tuition, cause he been talking bout leaving Zion since we was kids. She don’t leave nothing for Uncle Victor or Ernest, but they already got a lot of they own land, and ain’t never really wanted for nothing.

  Her daughters scoff at what she left them. Not because it ain’t what they wanted, or because they expected more or something else, they just don’t think it’s right what I got. I stop looking around, but I still feel their eyes on me, in my back, in my face.

  I’m ready to give everything away, to somebody, anybody, when I hear Miemay say, “Promise you won’t let nobody take what’s yorn.” I’m thinking she was out of sorts cause she dying, so I agreed only to calm ‘a down. She on ‘a death bed, I done promised ‘a on death bed. This too much, she always getting me in trouble.

  Then I know what she meant by me not being no man, and not being anything without one. She gave me all this stuff so I’d have a voice, and ain’t got to live with folks my whole life. They wouldn’t never let no woman live by ‘aself in Zion. I think about Miemay waiting for the house to get built so I’d have somewhere to live, and my heart ache.

  Soon as the reading of ‘a will over I start out the church doors.

  Daddy hot on my trail.

 
“Git ‘a, Cash,” Uncle Victor order my daddy following behind me hisself.

  “It ain’t no problem. She gone do the right thing. Ain’t chu, Linny?” Daddy call after me.

  I cain’t say a word, just keep going til the sun hit my face. I step down the steps, breathing in deep, trying to wrap my mind round it all, and getting ready for trouble.

  “Madelyn!”

  “Yes, Daddy.” I meet his eyes and he know before I even speak.

  “You ain’t got no right to that inheritance.”

  “Sho ain’t,” Uncle Vick cosign.

  “Do the right thing. Give them keys over to ya uncle.”

  “I cain’t,” I speak just above a whisper, my heart breaking. “I promised Miemay on ‘a death bed, I wouldn’t never give away or let nobody take what’s mine.”

  “IT AIN’T YORN!” Ernest yell, trying to rush me like a bull, but my brothers hold him back.

  “Cash, you got to fix this,” Uncle Victor insist.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy,” I’m telling him this how it’s gone be.

  “You know this ain’t right.” He look away from me accepting it, hurt.

  “I made a promise.”

  “You tricked a ol woman, that’s what you did. You cheat!” Ernest yell at my face before my brothers pull him back.

  “You know what this mean?” Daddy done already made his judgment, he thinking of the sentence. “That’s your final word?” Daddy looking in my spirit.

  Ion say nothing else, I just raise my chin and brace myself for the sentence.

  “Don’t speak to me no more, or nobody else in the family til you fix this. Don’t even think about coming to that repast. You ain’t welcome in my house no more. That mean Ion even wont to break bread with you. Not even when you come on family field days.

  “Come git all yo thangs from my house this evening, they gone be outside. If anything still there in the morning, you gone have to dig it out the trash.” Then he walk pass me hard, pushing me a little. “And you can git home the best way you know how.”