Blending Out

by Priyanka Bagrodia

  “How is that my speed? I don’t play any video games and I hate talking about school outside class.” She knew she was being purposefully obtuse, but she would rather be alone than play into the Indian tech geek stereotype. Besides, she was already redoing her brand. She was just slow on the uptake, finding it hard to live one life on the outside when she was still trying to figure out who she was on the inside. Perhaps, that was why Harrison had allowed himself to be siloed to Indian tech geek—refusing to wear the shirts their mom bought for him—deciding he’d spread his wings later when so many people didn’t already have a set preconception of him.

  Harrison paused, looking down at the floor as he gathered his thoughts. Eventually, he said, “Okay, those people might not be your scene, but is the softball-baseball crew really who you want to be hanging out with? Every person is white, except for you, Anu, and George.”

  “So?” Ryley snapped.

  “So, that could be why they’re not interested. Right now, you’re a second-class version of a white person. They’re obviously much better at being white than you are. You won’t have to be the odd one out if you just hang with the Asian group.” His voice was offensively bland and matter-of-fact even as he insulted her.

  “I’m not a second-class version of anything.” She didn’t bother to respond to anything else he said; her right eyelid was spasming. Although she’d initially begun rebranding herself to prevent interactions like the one at Claire’s from ever happening again, her goal had transformed in the process of buying new clothes and starting to hang out with the softball girls. White people were the ones with power, the ones who invariably seemed to make the rules, and the ones who were undeniably the protagonists of the Great American Life in the Twenty-First Century; their faces were all over every TV show, every movie, every newsroom. She wanted to show she belonged with them.

  As the silence settled around them and Ryley stared sullenly over Harrison’s shoulder, he held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Okay, never mind. Forget I said anything, but please don’t forget, you’re wonderful the way you are.” If he didn’t sound so earnest, she would’ve thought he was mocking her by responding to her with such a canned phrase.

  “AKA, if I continue down my current path, you think it’s a recipe for disaster?” she asked.

  “I’m not going to make any predictions. All I’m saying is that you’re wonderful the way you are and people will come to see that when they’re ready for you,” he said, his big brown eyes solemn and sad. Pity most definitely got too much airtime at the expense of empathy.

  She bit out, “I mean, it sounds like you’re giving me euphemisms instead of just saying you think I’m a weirdo. And that I’m going for normal people who are out of my league.”

  “No, nothing about leagues, no comparative aspect. I’m just reminding you that the Ryley I see in front of me is a good egg. Mom wants us to feel like we fit in, yeah, but she doesn’t want us to lose ourselves in the process,” he said earnestly, leaning down toward her. At six feet, he was a half-head taller than she, his black caterpillar eyebrows and thick black hair unrulier than her own. He had no pushy cosmetologist crossing all bounds of propriety with him.

  “Okay. I’m going to go.” Even though her parting line was delivered flatly, she felt a (small) wave of fondness for Harrison wash over her. Every time he’d said she was wonderful, a little part of her had grown stronger. She wouldn’t tell him that though.

  CHAPTER 11

  NOVEMBER 2018

  The day of the Harvard-Yale game had finally arrived. The overcast sky and an ever-present chill in the air warned of the cold freeze that would inevitably overwhelm Boston. Ryley was fully prepared to let off steam in one last hurrah before clamping down to study for finals. They’d all gathered at a bar dedicated to pre-game activities though none of them were actually going to the game.

  As they stood at the bar, waiting for their drinks, Cassidy gave her a warm squeeze and smile, affectionately twirling her hand through Ryley’s naturally wavy, unnaturally highlighted hair. Cassidy commented, “Oh, you look so pretty. Today is going to be a good day.”

  They were both already three drinks in, having pre-gamed at Mark’s beforehand. Ryley gave Cassidy a warm smile back, noting just how much she liked complimentary, slightly drunk Cassidy, who’d managed to gather a crew of fifteen or so people for the game. Even when Cassidy was temperamental and snappy, it always seemed excusable, and when she was feeling generous toward someone, the intensity with which Ryley had seen Cassidy focus on the other person was admirable. Ryley was nervous to see what Cassidy was like during a study group though. Cassidy had been consistently leading a study group two days a week over the last couple of weeks, and although usually a solo studier, Ryley had finally mustered up the energy to ask to join. She was going to her first study session after the game.

  Finally, the bartender served the two girls their drinks and Cassidy and Ryley began the laborious shuffle back to their table, squeezing through bodies, packed like sardines, in the classic Boston bar. The walls were painted bright red with random pictures of American flags sprinkled throughout and the hardwood floors were expectedly grimy from too much spilled beer. Indeed, Ryley’s hands were drenched. She’d been double-fisting with two glasses of Sam Adams and had already sloshed a decent bit of the beer over her hands and onto Cassidy. Cassidy hadn’t seemed to notice though, so Ryley kept her mouth shut.

  Mark was standing off to the side of their table, speaking with David. Ryley and Mark still hadn’t talked out the events of three weeks ago in which he’d called her out for being safe. In the days immediately after that class, she’d just ignored him, only ever skimming her eyes past his when they were in group settings. Last weekend though, even if not exactly apologetic, he had bought her free drinks a couple of times, never saying anything but forcing the drinks into her hands. Given that Ryley wasn’t one for direct confrontation, she’d taken the peace offering for what it was and had decided to move on. That being said, they’d still managed to avoid spending any one-on-one time together.

  As Ryley and Cassidy drew near now, Mark shot Ryley a huge smile and obnoxiously proclaimed, “Well, well, well. I can’t believe I get the honor of having our Section’s newest, hottest couple keeping me company.” Ryley and David had decided to go exclusive yesterday. It felt like a natural progression after four easy, carefree dates and it wasn’t like either was interested in pursuing anyone else.

  David gave Mark a shy, pleased smile in response, but Ryley just rolled her eyes and said, “Shut up.” Her words carried more of a bite than she would’ve preferred. She was potentially not the best at letting things go.

  Cassidy piped up, “One of my friends in a different Section was talking about the two of you. Honestly, this place operates like a high school. I’m sure everyone will know Ryley is off the market by the end of the day.”

  Ryley said drily, “I’m not sure how many people were shopping at that market.”

  Mark retorted, “Ryley, Ryley. Let’s not go fishing now. Some of us are still single and would love to have even one person at our hot dog stand.”

  Ryley snorted. “Sure, Mark, because you don’t have guys throwing themselves at you.”

  Mark shrugged sheepishly, although he couldn’t quite hide his mouth twitching up at the corners. Turning to Ryley, he said, “But let’s celebrate! You are now the seventh person to pair off with another law student even though we swore to each other we wouldn’t date in the One-L pool.” Mark shook his head exaggeratedly in disappointment as he finished speaking.

  Cassidy clapped her hands. “Yes, let’s celebrate! Oh, you guys, I’m so excited. You’ll finally get to meet my boyfriend. He should be here in about twenty minutes!” She paused to squeal for joy and then asked, “David, do you have friends from undergrad scattered here already?”

  “Yeah. A bunch of them are over there. I’ll wave them over.”

  After he walked away, Mark said, “He’s cute.
” Cassidy earnestly nodded.

  Ryley looked at them with a cocked eyebrow. “Okay?” They’d hung out altogether plenty of times before this; it was hardly the first time they were meeting David. Though he did look particularly good that day with his black hair neatly styled and his hazel eyes reflecting a beautiful shade of gold.

  “It’s just that there’s this whole hesitant vibe about you. Like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be happy, Ryley!” Mark exclaimed.

  Ryley should be happy: she was at Harvard Law, she had a boyfriend, and she had a good crew of friends. However, the set-up felt unfortunately, innately temporary, as if something was on the cusp of giving, and the whole edifice would come crashing down. She could see herself becoming Ryley of high school, Ryley on the outside, once again. Mark calling her safe, her closed memo grade, Professor Kilmer’s talk—those had been the warning wobbles. She knew she’d be fine; academics had always been her saving grace when everything else went belly-up, but she couldn’t shake her premonition of looming disaster.

  Finally, Ryley responded to Mark, deciding carefree Ryley was who everyone would much prefer to be around. “Yeah, my set-up is pretty good right now. I’m happy.”

  Cassidy gave Ryley’s arm a quick squeeze of acknowledgment before changing the topic to be about herself, undoubtedly more interesting subject matter. “This will be my boyfriend’s first time visiting. I’m so excited. He’s been on rotations at New York-Presbyterian—number one in New York—so he hasn’t had a chance to breathe. I’m so glad he’s finally going to make it out to meet everyone.”

  “We know,” Ryley and Mark said in tandem, having heard about Cassidy’s boyfriend in increasing detail for the last month. Ryley half-smiled to show she meant no harm.

  “Yes, whatever. Anyway, I think you both will really like him. All my friends like him.”

  Ryley and Mark nodded in response, their marching orders received. Then Sophie and Zeke were shouting for Cassidy to meet a friend of theirs, Cassidy was flitting away to join them, and it was just Ryley and Mark. Ryley considered scooting away.

  As if to preempt her, Mark started speaking immediately, his voice loud. He was easily five drinks in. “It’s been a minute since it’s just been you and me.”

  “Yeah.” Ryley didn’t elaborate, uncertain of where he wanted to take the conversation and uncertain if she wanted to follow.

  “Look. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I obviously did. Cassidy came by my apartment last week to catch up one-on-one and told me off for calling you out like that.”

  “Oh, that was nice of her,” Ryley interjected. Every time Ryley tried to typecast Cassidy in some sort of way, Cassidy would show another side of herself.

  Mark nodded before continuing in a rush, as if desperate to get it all out. “But sometimes, I feel so suffocated, and I’m so tired of people just going along with the establishment and not pushing themselves to do more. I’m sorry if it came off like I was attacking you—I’m just so frustrated. I’m tired of trusting people in power; I’m tired of keeping my head down, and I had to get that out. You were just a casualty in it all.” His lower lip was slightly jutting out, the corners of his mouth downturned.

  Ryley leaned against the side of the booth, the weight of the conversation bringing her down, but she was glad drinking had allowed Mark to open up. Conversely, Ryley’d only grown to like drinking when she figured out that a drunk Ryley, although sloppy and stumbly, wasn’t one to bare her soul. Drunk Ryley only let out third-rate secrets and instead became obsessed with taking pictures to show sober Ryley everything she’d missed.

  Ryley heaved a deep sigh before saying, “Honestly, I saw your point. Even then. I just felt hurt that our friendship meant so little that you didn’t care if you hurt me just to get your point across.”

  Mark looked flummoxed and grabbed ahold of her hands, his baby blue eyes wide and contrite. “No, Ryley. I value you, of course, I do. I feel like I can be myself around you. Though I wish you’d trust me more and actually open up to me. I feel like I don’t know anything real about you. You hide yourself.”

  Ryley fortunately avoided having to say anything in response because David was suddenly upon them, flanked by people. One of said people was Olivia, who hadn’t looked over at Ryley and Mark yet, caught up in conversation with another girl. This time, Olivia was dressed in a surprisingly understated fashion. Ryley had the same oversized Harvard sweater on.

  David sidled in to be between Ryley and Mark, standing close enough that their arms brushed. As he leaned in to give her a quick peck, Ryley turned her head so that his kiss landed on her cheek; she was not a fan of PDA. Olivia looked over at Ryley at that moment—because why not?—and made no effort to hide the way her lips curled up into a smirk. Relationships took time. Olivia didn’t get it and was too quick to judge. Ryley would learn to love him even if the emotional connection she was hoping for was taking longer to develop than she would’ve thought.

  After some of David’s friends briefly introduced themselves, Mark took center stage and easily began to dominate the conversation, telling a story from his college years. Ryley was used to it, as was David, and both were more than happy to stand in silence, except for the occasional chuckle or emphatic “Oh, my god!” Eventually, Ryley started to lose interest in Mark’s story, having heard it before, and looked over at Olivia again to see that Olivia was already staring at her.

  Olivia shot her a quick smile and then confidently made her way over to Ryley; she said nothing other than a semi-quiet, “Hi,” not wanting to interrupt Mark in his flow.

  Ryley turned her body to face Olivia, slightly stepping out of the conversation circle to do so. “Hi, how’s it hanging?” No one said that anymore. Ryley could have kicked herself.

  “Good. Nice seeing all my undergrad friends. Nice seeing you. I don’t think I know how to function anymore without seeing at least one Agarwal a day.” Olivia and Ryley had continued to see each other in passing nearly every day and Olivia still regularly hung out with Harrison from what Ryley could gather from Harrison’s Instagram Stories—Ryley refused to follow Olivia on Instagram first.

  Ryley smiled. “Glad I can be of service. At least Harrison looks like he’s living it up in New York.” Harrison had ended up driving down to New York on Friday, having to accompany Genie to a work party she “absolutely could not miss.” Harrison had texted Ryley about the schedule change a week ago, worried Ryley was making plans around meeting Genie. And although Ryley had told David, Cassidy, and Mark that she might have to ditch them for a couple of hours or so to meet Harrison’s girlfriend, she’d responded to Harrison in an unnecessarily flippant fashion, saying she’d forgotten Genie was even coming up for the Harvard-Yale Game.

  Harrison had not responded to that text, though last night, he had posted a beautiful picture of him and Genie all dressed up on Instagram. Genie was a short white girl with faded blue eyes and platinum-blond hair that was most certainly a dye job. The photo had effectively showcased her nose piercing, stacked bracelets, and a couple of tattoos in Hindi easily visible on arms that said she was a regular at Pilates. Her pale, petite frame had contrasted nicely against Harrison’s larger build, his mocha brown skin, and thick mop of hair.

  Ryley gave voice to her thoughts, saying, “They both looked gorgeous in that photo.”

  “Yeah, they did. We’re going to have a blast getting wined and dined this summer.” Harrison was going to a Big Law firm in New York although she hadn’t known that the same was true for Olivia.

  “You’re working Big Law in New York?” Ryley kept her tone neutral though she pictured Olivia as more of a public interest person or as counsel for a random startup. Anything but a serious corporate New York lawyer.

  “I mean, I’ll probably apply to do a clerkship, but yeah, I’m going to spend the summer at a law firm in New York and I’ll likely rejoin for at least a bit after the clerkship,” Olivia responded nonchalantly. It seemed Olivia was doing as traditio
nal a path out of law school as possible. Ryley knew it was unfair to feel let down, but she’d thought the other girl would say something crazy that would show her just how many avenues were open to her after graduation.

  “Got it, cool. I’m also thinking New York.” Ryley had no strong leanings amongst the few places urban enough to be the only real options available to her, but she was thinking New York by sheer process of elimination. “I don’t know what I want to do though,” Ryley offered, unprompted, making herself seem more mysterious than she was.

  “One hundred dollars say you end up in Big Law,” Olivia retorted matter-of-factly.

  “We’ll see.” Ryley normally would have conceded the point, but she liked keeping Olivia on her toes, especially because Olivia seemed to enjoy poking at Ryley in turn, occasionally smirking at her like she knew something Ryley didn’t.

  “Okay, so what do you think you’ll do if not Big Law?” Olivia pushed.

  “I don’t know, Olivia,” Ryley responded with a slightly curt edge to her tone, suddenly feeling foolish. The past six years of her life had been focused on collecting gold stars, on getting to a place where she felt good enough, and she’d always known the future would probably be more of the same, so she didn’t know why she was trying to be cute now. Olivia was right. Ryley would probably just join some law firm and rise up the ranks. She needed to take a step back though, feeling overwhelmingly claustrophobic. David’s arm was pressing too much into her and one of his friends talking about clerkship applications in too high-pitched a voice was getting to her. She needed breathing room. She put the remaining Sam Adams in her hand down and began to step away.