Blending Out

by Priyanka Bagrodia

  “Um, so I went through the exam and went through some sample answers I saw online, and I was a bit confused because I thought my answer said the same thing as ones you liked. Not that I’m doubting the fairness of your grading or anything. I’m just confused.” She clasped her hands together to prevent any further gesturing on her part.

  “Well, I have a hardcopy right here, so I can pull it up for you if you would like?” he offered, surprisingly gently.

  “Sure, okay,” she said, and then for the first time since walking into his office, she leaned back into the chair, her spine no longer ramrod straight.

  He was silent for a couple of moments as he looked through her exam. Finally, he said, “You spotted most of the issues, and you were right on the cusp, but you didn’t show the level of knowledge necessary. The students I gave honors to played at the edges.” He paused, as if to check if she was listening, and she immediately started bobbing her head rapidly (though given that she had no idea what he meant, she may as well have been off in one of her daydreams).

  “You spent so much more time detailing the rules of the cases rather than applying the rules of the cases to the issue at hand and tracing through each issue carefully, showing you’d given deliberate thought to how each side could argue. In your policy answer, you just throw a lot of material on the page.”

  He paused dramatically and she could see that here was the punchline. “Look, your exam showed me you did all the readings, but I don’t see a strong, cogent answer here that shows me how you, Ryley, think. Yes, I get that you play it safe and don’t necessarily want to share your own opinion, but that’s what we’re encouraging you to do here. To argue something, to demonstrate a sophisticated understanding of the subject matter, and not just parrot back material to us.”

  She tried to digest his words. They made sense in theory, but she was too busy feeling personally attacked. There had been no need for him to unduly emphasize safe the way he had. Also, in truth, a not insignificant part of her had come in for an “It’s okay, you tried,” or an “I can see you’re brilliant, but I was tired when I graded your exam.”

  He finally chose to break the ensuing silence, asking, “How did you do in your other classes?”

  She paused, considered fibbing, but then said, “About the same.” She couldn’t help but break eye contact as she said this, ashamed and angry that she couldn’t tell him this performance had just been an aberration and she was smart. When she looked back up at him, he was nodding, unsurprised.

  And then her mouth was moving of its own accord. “But I’m smart. I am. I’ve been the top of my class at incredibly competitive institutions.” She’d never been classified a word-vomiter or a parrot!

  He sighed. “Ryley, you may have been at the top of the class at other institutions, but you’re in the Olympics now. Being top of your class before means nothing. This is a whole different league.”

  Again she was rendered silent. This time she was too busy trying to process her self-image shattering even as wave after wave of dizziness made her lightheaded. She’d had anxiety attacks before, previously in social situations when she was made aware that something was fundamentally off with her, but never in an academic one. She would have liked to tuck her head down and sit in a corner, but she didn’t exactly have that option. Maybe Professor Kilmer wouldn’t mind if she shoved his lone bamboo plant aside and claimed the spot as her own.

  He seemed to recognize something was going on in her head or had just pegged her as something of a space cadet because he continued to happily carry the conversation for the rest of the meeting. Of his own accord, he went through some of her answers in more depth, pointing out the core issues he thought she’d missed. She wrote everything he said down, her pen scribbling across the page. If he’d asked her to repeat a single thing back to him in the moment, she would’ve been incapable of doing so.

  She left his office rather robotically and immediately went home, thankful the class this morning was one she could skip. She’d never skipped a whole class before, but she’d also never been called a parrot. All that was echoing through her head was that she was not smart when it came down to it. That at the end of the day, she didn’t have a single original thought in her head. She found herself devastated as a part of her identity was forcibly removed and taken from her without any say on her part, and she gave herself the necessary time to blankly stare at her bedroom ceiling.

  Five minutes into her stupor, she saw her phone light up out of the corner of her eye. It was her mom calling.

  She considered not answering, but she wasn’t a martyr and the idea of some cheerleading appealed to her.

  “Hi.” She kept her pose, lying spread-eagled on the sky-blue duvet irritating her with its cheerfulness. At least the rest of her room was suitably gloomy with her walls and ceiling a dark green unadorned but for cracks in the plaster.

  “Hi. How did the talk with your professor go?”

  “Fine.” She waited for her mom to prod her, so when she delivered the subsequent in-depth play-by-play, she could tell herself she hadn’t wanted to share in that amount of detail and it had been her mom’s doing. Ten minutes later, Ryley finally wrapped up.

  “That wasn’t that bad! Look at how invested he was in you and in helping you. I doubt he would have been like that if he thought you were dumb and without hope.” Her mom’s perky tone made her dig her fingers into the duvet.

  “I never said I was dumb and without hope,” Ryley said flatly.

  “I was summarizing general themes.” Her mom slightly laughed as she said this and Ryley couldn’t help but smile in reaction though she found none of this the slightest bit amusing.

  “You’re paraphrasing when my very essence is on the line?”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go into acting? Now that you’re proving mediocre in law, it could be time for a career change.”

  “Mom.” Ryley tried to sound upset, but she couldn’t contain the laugh that bubbled around the word and soon they were both laughing, which Ryley supposed had been the whole point.

  “Ryley, you know I will never think you’re anything less than brilliant, and I know he said the bit about the Olympics, but I don’t think he was saying you lack talent.” Her mom’s cheerleading felt flat.

  “I think he was saying that, and regardless, I’m done for. Law firms will see my Ps and think I just squeaked into Harvard and don’t deserve to be here. Career Services said I had to get at least one H to be competitive. If I don’t go to a certain tier firm, everyone here will know I didn’t do well.”

  Although her mom tried chiming in, Ryley was in full flow and continued talking over her unapologetically. “My life is over; the mirage is ruined. David texted me saying both he and Cassidy were asked to be research assistants for one of our professors. Obviously they did well. Once people find out I got all Ps, they’ll think I don’t belong. You know how grade-obsessed everyone is here. I’m back to being on the outside.”

  “Ryley, you’re jumping all over. You need to calm down. Breathe with me.” Her mom had shifted to her dictator tone, used whenever Ryley was getting too overwhelmed and spiraling. Knowing she had no choice, Ryley mimicked her mom’s breathing, although she had a few choice words she would’ve liked to say instead.

  Once her mom was assured Ryley was occupied taking deep breaths in and out, she said, “Okay. Your life is not over. Yes, you stumbled, but you’ve stumbled before, and every time you’ve brushed yourself off and gotten back up. I know it hurts, but you have second semester and all those networking events. And you’ve gotten good at living two lives—you don’t need to tell anyone your grades. You know what to say and what to do. You know how to tell people what they want to hear.”

  Ryley couldn’t argue with that and supposed her mom had done all the problem-solving Ryley would have otherwise kept herself distracted with. “I’m so tired of pretending.” The whisper fell unintentionally from her lips, the stress of the day getting to her. Not w
anting to hear what her mom had to say in response, she quickly said, “I didn’t mean that. I haven’t forgotten how hard I fought to get here. I have to go. I have to hang up.”

  “Ryley, you don’t have to—”

  Ryley interrupted, insistent. “I have to go. I need to do the readings. We’ll talk later, okay?”

  “Okay. I love you no matter what. You know that.”

  Ryley did know that, but she was scared. The wobbles she felt before were nothing; the whole edifice was in danger of collapsing and she’d spent too long developing the construct and living within it to turn back now. She hung up with a quick “you too” and disconnected.

  * * *

  Ryley decided to meet David for a coffee before her 3:15 class. She’d blown him off for the last week in the aftermath of grades coming out and didn’t particularly want to cross over from being “under the weather” to just being a bad girlfriend.

  She walked the path she’d walked hundreds of times already, cutting through Wasserstein Hall to get out of the cold and striding past the classrooms and through the student lounge to get to the tucked-away alcove. The cozy fireside nook with the small café stand was her favorite place to do the readings. The chairs were upholstered with vibrant, patterned fabric that brightened the otherwise nondescript brown wall paneling and brown hardwood floor.

  Ryley wouldn’t have minded if everything was brown and black (like her), but she supposed others wanted some color and happiness to break up the monotony. She considered the café to be a second living space given that she spent all her time studying there. Although the café was packed enough during the day, she was usually the only one there after the barista service stopped. David would always retire to the library for more “serious” work, liking the hardcore scholar sort of vibe. Ryley found the library too intense, given the glares other students sent her when she inevitably knocked her water bottle over.

  Ryley stepped up to the counter now, happy to see no line and happy to see her favorite barista. She always gave Ryley a small glass of hot water free of charge in which she could soak her teabag. The two would usually talk on and off at closing, and the barista had developed a soft spot for her after seeing her holed up in the café too many times toward the end of last semester.

  Ryley gave the barista a large smile of thanks and a wave and walked over to the offset nook, seeing David with Cassidy and Mark all clustered next to the fireplace. She hadn’t realized it was a group outing.

  “Hey, guys!” She let the surprise in her voice ring out.

  “Hey, Ryley. Cassidy and Mark were sitting nearby, so I invited them over. Didn’t think you’d mind,” David responded.

  “Oh, yeah, totally fine.” Although a girl sitting in a chair right next to Cassidy began packing up her bag, Ryley turned away from them to drag over a chair from a couple of yards away. Hopefully they’d see the way they were putting her out. She’d thought David had wanted to check on her and connect one-on-one, but it had been ten days since grades came out and he’d asked to get lunch. She knew she’d hurt him. She knew she wasn’t pulling her weight and had been pulling away from all her friends in order to avoid any talk of grades. Both Mark and Cassidy had texted her a couple of times in the last few days, and she’d blown them off too with flimsy excuses.

  As Ryley got settled, they continued talking about a reading for the elective class they were all in (with the exception of Ryley). She stayed silent, waiting for anyone to change the topic. No one did, so she decided to bring up Harrison’s pregame, using it as a peace offering.

  “Oh, before I forget, are you all planning on going to Winter Formal? Harrison is having a pregame for it.”

  “That’ll be fun! It’ll be nice to meet some new people,” Mark said instantly. David nodded in agreement, his wide lips stretching into a smile. Ryley relaxed some; since she’d arrived, that had been the first time he’d smiled at her.

  Cassidy hemmed and then said, “I think I should be able to make it, but I know Soph and a couple of other girls had talked about going dress shopping before.”

  Ryley quickly responded, “Oh, I’m sure Harrison would be fine if a couple more people came. I can post in our group text.”

  “I can do it. If it’s from me, they’ll see it’s all in the same plan and not like they have to choose.” It went unsaid that they would all choose Cassidy over Ryley. Cassidy didn’t really look at Ryley as she spoke, clearly still a bit miffed. Ryley would send her a link to a cat video later today; Cassidy was into those.

  For now, Ryley just said, “Okay great, thanks.” Changing the topic, she asked, “Are you all going to the recruiting event tonight? I’m thinking of going.”

  “Well, if you have at least two or three Hs from first semester, you’re good to go. No need to go to those,” David said off-handedly. The self-assuredness she’d seen when he was talking to Sophie in class was on display once again. “You can totally figure out who got all Ps though. Did you see Garrett last week? Or Lyla? They looked devastated and they both acted like they were so smart first semester. Even Zeke looked a bit down but probably only because he got three Hs instead of four.”

  Ryley knew he was only speaking this way because he couldn’t fathom that any of them, his crew, had gotten all Ps. She kept her face neutral, nodding along.

  Cassidy jumped in. “Whatever, I’m going to go. I want the free drinks. Ryley, you want to meet up ten minutes before to walk over?”

  Ryley immediately nodded, mentally taking back any mean thing she’d ever thought about Cassidy. As a matter of fact, for all her showmanship, Cassidy had not brought up her research assistant position once, downplaying any talk of grades after that first smug day.

  Mark added, “I’ll come!” He was quick to say, “Nothing better to do.” He spoke so confidently that possibly he did have nothing better to do, but she wondered if he too had stumbled. Plans made, Ryley relaxed as the four continued speaking, jumping from topic to topic for the next thirty minutes with relative ease.

  As they chatted, Ryley tracked David, trying to figure out if something was going on. Although he looked at her a normal amount, she felt as if they were, in fact, just four friends hanging out. He didn’t look to her nearly as much as he used to nor try to scoot his foot against hers or brush his fingers against hers under the table. She could feel her relationship with David losing its newness and excitement. She’d continued to push off sex and her behavior this past week wasn’t exactly winning her any points. Maybe it wouldn’t be her grades that ended them after all.

  CHAPTER 16

  FEBRUARY 2009

  Ryley hopped into Josh’s car. “Gives You Hell” was on again. Josh was crooning along, belting out the chorus line with gusto; he was likely thinking of Kyle. Eventually, thankfully, the song came to a close, but other than a simple “hi” when she came in, Josh had yet to say anything. Ryley racked her brain for an icebreaker; he was the one doing her a favor after all.

  “So, you excited?” Good. Not a dumb question at all.

  “Yeah. I like Taylor and he always throws the best parties. Because his parents know he’s having them, they always leave top-shelf stuff around.”

  “Got it, cool.” Taylor was the captain of the baseball team and not even that good-looking, but his general air of well-being and success more than made up for any deficit. Ryley had yet to see him single in the six months she’d been on campus. He seemed to have a Rolodex of girls on hand, kissing a new one in the quad every week. That was likely a stretch. Every two weeks.

  “Are you excited? This is like your first party-party, right?”

  “Yeah, I’ve never been to one of these before. Glad I finally get to see what all the hype is about.” She pushed her hands under her thighs in an attempt to stop fiddling with the seatbelt. Ryley’s nerves were getting progressively worse the closer they got to Taylor’s house. Hopefully, Taylor wouldn’t ask her what she was doing there when she walked through the door. It was definitely just an oversigh
t and not intentional; she doubted he even knew who she was.

  “Solid. You’ll have a good time. I brought a flask if you want to take a sip to get loosened up. You seem a bit tight.”

  Ryley was always tight. It was her natural resting state. She gave a semi-laugh though and took the flask out of the cupholder, unscrewing the cap and keeping it pressed against her mouth for a couple of seconds before eventually taking a tiny sip. The liquor burned as it went down and she only barely kept the cough in her throat. She put the flask back down.

  Josh kept his silence as he pulled into an open parking spot in front of Taylor’s house. After parking, he paused to obviously check out a group of laughing girls who passed in front of his car in tight black dresses. Ryley looked at the girls too, liking how the dresses wrapped around their bodies like that. She should have gone for a dress instead of jeans and a blouse. At least her blouse was a pretty chiffon material even if it broadcast uptight woman rocking business casual at the office.

  Josh looked over at her as she continued to look at the girls. “Are you going to get out at any point or are you going to continue checking out those girls?”

  “I wasn’t checking them out! I liked their dresses a bunch. I was just thinking I wish I had worn a dress.”

  After giving her a disbelieving glance, he said, “Okay, well, what’s done is done, so let’s go.”

  Ryley rolled her eyes and pushed open the door, refraining from asking why he too was hesitating to get out if he was so eager to go. They both walked slowly over to the house. It was a giant limestone mansion with a fountain in the front and an imposing gate left open for all the party guests to walk through.

  “Makes even your house look a bit like a cottage, doesn’t it?” Josh snarked, fiddling with his sleeve.