Blending Out

by Priyanka Bagrodia

  Harrison accused Ryley of sabotaging him. She’d not bothered to respond and had instead stormed off, leaving him to his demise; however, she had fully expected their morning ride to school the next day to consist of him apologizing profusely. Instead, when Ryley had gotten into the car the next morning, Harrison had launched immediately into a lecture, accusing her of ruining his senior year. Supposedly, their mom was requiring him to be the designated driver for all parties going forward and had forbidden him from sleeping over at anyone else’s house for the rest of the year.

  She’d not bothered to defend herself and had tuned him out instead, making no effort to engage with him. In fact, she’d interacted with everyone in the same semi-aloof manner over the last couple of months, still ashamed of what she’d done. She felt violated and not like she was ahead of the curve. Josh had been out of it enough—she’d decided to give him the benefit of the doubt here—that he hadn’t noticed she hadn’t gotten the same satisfaction as he had; after he’d finished, he’d immediately closed his eyes and had thrown an arm around her. Ryley had not wanted to cuddle, so she had quickly ran upstairs.

  In a turn of events that she still can’t believe she had the audacity to be surprised by, her mom had popped in not five minutes after she’d climbed into bed. Ryley had then immediately started to cry, possibly out of shock and possibly because she was overwhelmed. Likely because Ryley had only ever cried a handful of times in her life, her mom had decided to save the lecturing for another time and had been her cuddle buddy for the night instead. Though they hadn’t actually cuddled, seeing as Ryley had twisted away from her mom’s grasp and kept firmly to her side of the bed instead, feeling ashamed.

  Her mother had tried to talk about what had happened the next day, but Ryley had changed the subject, and surprisingly, her mom had not pushed. March had passed in a blur with Ryley withdrawing from everyone, but she had started to hope she could just pretend like it never happened in April. Even when her mom had slightly prodded at Ryley, she had uncharacteristically kept to herself. A part of her was convinced her mother knew what had occurred but was letting Ryley come to her in her own time. She doubted Harrison knew anything though; Josh had snuck out of the house early in the morning after folding all the sheets and leaving a note on the bed thanking her for “her hospitality.”

  As they pulled into the parking lot now, on what was a suitably glum morning, Harrison started up again, insisting on some type of interaction.

  “I still can’t believe you. I was just trying to look out for you, and god, you’re so ungrateful. Stop giving me the silent treatment.”

  “Excuse me?” Ryley packed as much indignation as she could into the two words, leaving a healthy pause between the excuse and the me. For whatever reason, she finally felt like engaging. “How is it ungrateful if I’m upset my brother bribed someone to hang out with me to make me ‘more normal?’” She shoved the air quotes she was making in front of his face.

  “You have nothing to be upset about! Instead of keeping your head down and being happy with the fact that you’re smart and get good grades, you tried to get in with white kids who don’t get you. So, I try to help you out by having someone who I know likes you look out for you, and you have the nerve to come after me.”

  “It’s because you made a charity case out of me! You pushed me to do something I didn’t want to.” Her voice cracked, forcing her to look down at her lap out of embarrassment.

  “Ryley, you set yourself up as a charity case! You were trying to bat way out of your league, and I was just trying to give you a goddamn helmet so you wouldn’t fall flat on your face.” Softening his tone as he parked the car, he asked, “And what did I push you to do?”

  “Nothing, never mind.” She was mortified to hear the audible tremble in her voice.

  Hesitantly, Harrison asked, “Did something happen with Josh? I know he slept over. I thought he just got too drunk to drive home.”

  “Nope, nothing happened.” Harrison would be horrified.

  “Okay. Look, Ryley, you just have to stay in your lane for now and stop trying to take up space that isn’t yours. I’m not trying to be mean. I don’t know how to get it into your head that it’s not your time now, but it will be. We’re not the sort of people they cast in the teenage underdog movies; we’re the dorky side characters.”

  “Neha is cool.” She’d be much better off if she learned how to keep her mouth shut.

  “Neha is basically white. She says our last name wrong, like they do. Also, guys are always talking about how eager she is to go down on them. So, unless you see yourself doing all that, be patient.” He said Neha’s name dismissively, as if Ryley could never be in league with a girl like that.

  Before Ryley knew what she was doing, she said, “Well, maybe me and Neha aren’t so different after all.”

  She sprinted away from the car after that, not pausing to give him any time to respond. As she scooted down the familiar path, scurrying past the trees and the high school science building, she kept her head tucked down. The sun was shining too brightly and the birds chirping too happily. Trotting as she was, needing to keep moving, she reached the quad with its comfortingly boring beige cafeteria tables in no time.

  Feeling someone’s eyes on her, she looked up slightly and to the right, making sudden, jarring eye contact with Kyle, who was sitting on Josh’s lap, surrounded by some of her theater friends. Ryley looked away immediately. Josh would be late for class, not that he much cared at this point. Ryley didn’t know if he was capable of any rational thought beyond Kyle; they’d started dating two weeks ago.

  Ryley bounded up the winding staircase leading to her history class, lightly touching her hand along the tall concrete wall to keep balance. Although normally she was no longer as winded when she reached the top, today, her heart was pounding as much as it had at even her worst physical fitness. She hadn’t liked how Kyle had looked at her. That being said, she doubted Josh had told anyone about their night. Indeed, he’d probably blacked it out of his mind, so he could believe his love for Kyle had never wavered.

  Although she had pulled away from Josh at first, she and Josh had gradually returned to semi-normal. They kept their topics deliberately superficial though, talking about dumb things like the weather and their homework. Josh hadn’t invited her to any more parties, or asked to study with her, and she didn’t know if it was because Josh felt awkward about the sex, if it was because Josh was trying to respect her space, or because Harrison had already recommended him for the solo. It was all a great big mess.

  Ryley didn’t look up when she heard the classroom door open or turn to face him when she felt Josh slip into the seat next to her though she could feel him gazing at the side of her face. Instead, she stared at her notes and Mr. Weber with a focus she’d only developed in the last month; at least Mr. Weber appreciated it, thought she was finally coming into her own, if the large smiles he shot her were any indication. The class passed in its usual fashion, i.e., so slowly she thought the clock might be broken, until Mr. Weber began his wrap-up and she wondered where the time had gone.

  As people started to file out of the classroom, Josh fidgeted more than usual. She automatically tensed up, already dreading whatever words were going to come out of his mouth. She fished around her pocket for her black iPod, hoping to plug the headphones into her ears before he mustered up the courage to spit out whatever it was he wanted to say.

  Upon seeing her successfully procure her iPod, he abruptly asked, “Do you want to get lunch with me and Kyle?” He didn’t even try to warm her up first.

  Ryley let herself scoff. “Why?”

  “What do you mean, why? I told you before that I consider you a friend.”

  “Yes, but why today? Why not yesterday? Or the day before? Or the day before that?” She would have continued listing alternative days he could have invited her, but he looked ready to snap.

  “Okay, geez, Ryley, you don’t have to come. Stop with the Spanish Inquis
ition.”

  Ryley heaved an exaggerated sigh of irritation but decided she should just get whatever this was over with. “Okay, Josh, thank you for the invite. I’d love to come.” She made sure to exaggerate the politeness of her tone, letting the fake enthusiasm lift her voice to a higher pitch.

  “Awesome.” Shooting her a pleased smile, he said, “Kyle saw you galloping up the stairs and mentioned it would be cool if we all got lunch together.”

  Before she could say anything in response, Mr. Weber interrupted, calling her over.

  She nodded bye to Josh and then walked over to Mr. Weber, coming to a halt in front of him. “Yes?”

  Mr. Weber took his time responding, filing his lecture notes into his folder. “Would you be interested in doing some research for me?”

  “Oh. Thanks, that sounds cool.” Taking a deep breath in, she made sure to sound more transparently, apparently grateful. “Seriously, thank you. What would I be researching?” She already knew she’d have to say yes; she couldn’t possibly justify turning down an opportunity like this that would make her college application even more competitive.

  “World War One. I’m writing a book and could use your help over the summer.”

  “Got it, very cool. I’d love to help you out! Thanks again.” Ryley had already lined up a summer job identifying chromosomes in a UCLA lab—she had no idea what she’d actually be doing—but simultaneously being a research assistant for a history professor would be good. The research position would show colleges that even a quite young Ryley was drawn to academia and sophisticated logical theories of cause and effect. She could cater her resume to be a good candidate for pre-med or pre-law. Her parents would be thrilled. They never much pressured her, but their large smiles when she brought back straight-A report cards and extended herself across extracurriculars was proof enough. She wanted to show them she’d got their work ethic to succeed even if she didn’t feel like any sort of success now. She knew adult life would be different though; everything would make sense in ten years.

  Mr. Weber gave her a happy smile upon hearing her response. “Wonderful. Too few people give history its due. Studying the past gives us a unique window into the problems of the present.”

  CHAPTER 20

  APRIL 2019

  “So, Ryley. Fuck, marry, kill: Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth.”

  Ryley cracked one eye open. She was lying outside on some grass and nursing a buzz that had blanked out her mind and made her pleasantly blissed out as she soaked in the sun.

  Ryley turned slightly to face Cassidy. “Hm. Marry Chris Pine, fuck Chris Evans, and kill Chris Hemsworth.” She got the expected gasps of outrage because god forbid she kill Thor, but she comforted herself with the thought that at least she could be a maverick in small ways if not the big ones.

  Olivia, sitting beside her, kicked her lightly in the shin before letting her foot rest against Ryley’s leg once more. Ryley didn’t mind the contact, liked it even, and let her foot stay there.

  Ryley had woken up to texts from Olivia, Harrison, Mark, and Cassidy asking where she’d gone after she left Winter Formal without telling anyone. She’d sent them all quick copy-paste apology texts in response, saying she’d just left with David in a spur-of-the-moment decision. With the exception of Olivia, everyone had responded—Mark with especially crude emojis.

  Ryley had spent an embarrassingly long amount of time deciding if she should send a follow-up text to Olivia before defaulting to doing nothing. Accordingly, when Olivia had happened to swing by Ryley’s usual study spot on the Saturday following Formal, Ryley had immediately handed Olivia one of her Beats as a tentative peace offering, explaining that she’d “stumbled” upon an angsty queer pop ballad that had in reality taken her a couple of hours that morning to find. Olivia had accepted her olive branch with a gratified smile, and they’d spent almost every Saturday since doing their readings together.

  This Saturday though, they were gathered on a stretch of grass near the river. Ryley, Cassidy, Mark, David, Zeke, and Sophie had made the original plan to go down to the river on what was a bizarrely nice day, soaking in the early-April sun before they’d once again hit the books for finals crunch time. Ryley had automatically extended the invite to Olivia, used to spending time with her on the weekends, and Genie and Harrison rounded out their small river crew of the day. Genie had been back in town visiting Harrison, had seen Ryley’s Instagram Story, and promptly made Harrison ditch their more cultured plans to see the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum; the two had shown up half an hour later. Genie had been a caricature of herself, wearing something that could have come out of a Free People catalog, with her hair tied up in a bandana and a flowing white shirt tucked into daisy duke shorts. The rest of them had been dressed rather boringly; even Olivia was just wearing a gray sweater over black jeans.

  Olivia offered up a prompt for the next round. “Okay, let’s do Jennifer Lopez, Olivia Wilde, and Janelle Monaé.”

  David answered first. Ryley considered calling him out on the rapidity with which he said he’d marry Olivia Wilde, but their relationship had only gotten more strained since Formal. She would not have been able to deliver the joke with an appropriate amount of light-heartedness.

  Cassidy echoed, “Yeah, easily marry Olivia.”

  Olivia answered, “Oh, I’m flattered,” shooting Cassidy a wink. Cassidy gave her an indulgent, slightly forced smile. Ryley always backpedaled when Cassidy looked at her like that, but Olivia just shrugged in response and leaned back onto her elbows, turning her face up to the sun.

  Genie and Sophie echoed Cassidy in choosing Olivia Wilde and Ryley tried not to read into all of them choosing the only white person. It was an unfair judgment; they all just likely admired Olivia Wilde’s cheekbones. Ryley certainly did.

  Nonetheless, Ryley found herself chiming in out of turn. “Janelle Monaé.”

  Mark said, “Oh, look who’s eager,” giving Ryley a wide grin. He continued, “Her Dirty Computer album is wonderful.”

  Olivia responded, “Oh, yeah, I listen to it all the time. It’s good that women are speaking up more and normalizing being attracted to other girls.”

  Ryley hoped this little speech wasn’t for her benefit. Cassidy fidgeted slightly but said nothing. David, Zeke, and Sophie were checked out. Genie was on her phone, though Harrison, ever agreeable, nodded along.

  “Yeah, though queer women staying alive on TV is still pretty bad. At least we have Will & Grace, Queer Eye, and so on,” Mark said, loosely grabbing onto one of Olivia’s hands.

  “I mean I will say it’s gotten slightly better for women recently. The coming-out scene in Supergirl was unexpected.” Olivia was too careful to not look over at Ryley as she spoke. “I think it should have gotten more publicity than it did. It could help a lot of people who are confused.”

  As the two continued their back-and-forth, Ryley found herself focusing on David, Cassidy, and Genie, all staying silent and all very clearly bored and disengaged. Ryley felt pressured to change the topic for their sake and bring them back in. Besides, Olivia had gone on long enough.

  So, in the next natural pause, Ryley not-so-naturally said, “Great. Also, I just remembered that the application to be a BSA is due. Are any of you applying?” The Board of Student Advisors (BSA) was one of the three prestigious organizations at the law school; the Law Review and the Legal Aid Bureau were the other two. She knew Cassidy would immediately chime in, and although Olivia shot Ryley a slightly startled glance at the rather abrupt topic change, she kept her peace.

  Cassidy gave Ryley a huge smile before proudly proclaiming, “I’m one hundred percent going to apply for Law Review and BSA.”

  “No Legal Aid for you?” Olivia asked, slightly smirking. The Legal Aid Bureau was the only one of the three organizations with a non-profit bent.

  “No. And remind me, which of the three are you part of?” Cassidy snarked.

  Olivia laughed. “Okay, no need to get all riled up. I was just
asking.”

  David interrupted before they could continue their bickering, speaking with a slightly self-satisfied air. “I’m going to apply to all three.” He’d never voiced any interest in non-profit work, but the prestige of the organization was most definitely the only incentive he needed. Eventually, after all the other One-Ls had shared which organizations they were applying to, it was Ryley’s turn.

  Ryley’s answer was anticlimactic. “I don’t know if I’m going to apply to any of them. Maybe the Board of Student Advisors. I’m not sure though.”

  “Why not?” Olivia asked, turning to look at her so that if Ryley turned her head too, their noses would only be inches apart. Ryley knew this play. Olivia had decided there were fewer things more enjoyable than messing with Cassidy and had caught on to how Cassidy would pin-ball her eyes between Ryley and Olivia whenever they got too close. Olivia only ever got like this in front of Cassidy, thought it was great fun if her smirk was any indication.

  “I just don’t know if I’m interested in legal writing. I like corporate stuff better. I don’t know,” Ryley answered, keeping her head straight though she tilted in Olivia’s general direction so it didn’t look like she was stiffing her. Ryley would prefer it if Olivia didn’t play with Cassidy like that. She was still trying to figure out how to salvage her relationship with David, get her grades up, and maintain her friendships, all while maintaining an aura of composure; she didn’t need Olivia messing up group dynamics.

  In response to her answer, the rest of the circle nodded in a generic way. The way everyone bobbled their heads without making eye contact showed just how much they got it.

  Harrison finally interrupted his bobbling to say, “Could be worth it to apply anyway; this sort of opportunity only comes along once in a lifetime, and you could always say no.”