Grace Lost

by M. Lauryl Lewis

  Chapter 4

   

  When I woke, the fire had died, leaving the stone room cold and damp.  The beginnings of morning light filtered in through the two small openings beside the door.  My bare legs shivered and my head ached.  My throat was scratchy and my eyes dry.  I lifted my head from Boggs’ chest, where it must have settled as I slept.  Boggs rolled away from me, forcing me to sit.  The room spun.

  “Morning,” chirped Gus.  “Hope you don’t mind I grabbed some cans from the car and have breakfast ready.”

  Food.  The thought of it made my stomach roll in protest and I groaned.  I had to empty my bladder something awful and what was left in my stomach from the night before threatened to make an unwelcome reappearance.  I got up and stumbled toward the door.

  Gus caught me before I could reach my goal.  “Hold on there, darlin’.  No going out without one of us.”   He looked toward Boggs.  “You need fresh air, Boggs?  Or do you want me to go?”

  “No, it’s ok.  I’ll go with.  Zoe, come on.”   Boggs stood and walked toward me.

  I held my hand over my mouth, showing urgency.  I ran the rest of the way to the door, unlocked it, and stepped outside.  The mountain air held a chill and was heavy with moisture.  Thick fog surrounded us, making the wooded area seem haunted.

  “Zoe, keep close.”   He said quietly.  “Stay in sight, ok?”

  “Ya.  No problem there.”  I leaned over and threw up violently until it turned to dry heaves. 

  Boggs came up behind me.  He put his hands on my shoulders and lowered his deep voice even more.  “Zoe, you peed yourself.”

  I turned toward him and looked up at his face.  He felt my forehead with the back of his hand, then felt my cheek in the same manner.  “You’re burning up, Zo.  Let’s get you back inside.”

  My legs and panties were soaked in urine.  I hadn’t been able to hold it in while my stomach wretched to be free of whatever poisons it held.  Vomit splattered my bare feet and legs, mixing with the mess.  Boggs called out to Gus as the woods spun around me.

  My best friend pulled my t-shirt over my head and used it to wipe my legs.  He pulled my panties down and helped me step out of them. I was too sick to care if anyone saw me naked.   Gus joined us outside.  The thick fog surrounding us seemed to seep into my head.  I closed my eyes and felt like I was falling. 

    I heard only fragments of what Boggs said to Gus.  He sounded panicked. 

  “Threw up…looks bloody…pissed herself…not sure…”

  I was too weak to open my eyes.  I felt someone wrap a towel around me and then cradle me in their arms.  I heard myself moan softly, and then the dry heaving began again.

  Gus’ voice was mixed in at odd intervals “she looks bad” and “what if she’s turning into…” and “one of us needs to stand watch.”   I heard Boggs mention my hip.   I realized my leg was throbbing angrily.  As I drifted into a deep sleep I prayed for the pain to stop. 

  There were moments filled with a burning fire in my leg, others of ice cold that chilled me to my core.  Every time I opened my eyes I saw one of my companions sitting beside me, often holding a wet cloth to my forehead or forcing drops of water into my mouth.  The water began to taste bitter and I fought to spit it out.  I became enraged when both the men held me down and forced me to swallow.  I was too weak to fight back.  Nightmares blended with reality.

  My moments of alertness seemed to grow longer, and each time one of the men was still at my side.  My constant hot-cold fluxes ebbed and I started to become aware of time again. Boggs’ large hand was on my forehead and he smiled down at me.

  “Welcome back, kid.”

  I tried to speak but my throat was dry.  Boggs helped me sit up part way and handed me a bottle of water.  I swallowed gingerly, then more deeply, craving the liquid.

  “What happened?” I whispered.

  Boggs looked serious, and thoughtful.  “You got sick the morning after we got here.  We were scared to death it might be this zombie crap.”  Zombie.  Someone had finally said it.  “You were burning up with fever and hallucinating.  Gus helped me get you inside, and we’ve been forcing crushed antibiotics down you for two days.”

  “Antibiotics?  Where’d you get them?  And where’s Gus?”

  “He’ll be back soon.  He’s out in the Explorer gathering more firewood.  We found antibiotics and pain pills in Chuck’s trailer.  It turns out our hitchhiker’s an ex Army nurse.  We got lucky.  Your hip got infected, Zoe, badly.  He had to lance it.”  Boggs’ eyes were welling with tears.

  “Boggs?  What’s wrong?”

  He sniffled and hung his head.  “I was so afraid, Zoe.  Afraid of losing you.  Having to hold you down while he cut you like that…”

  I used my elbow to sit up a bit more.  My hip stung.  “C’mon Boggs, you can’t get rid of me that easy.”

  He tried to smile.  “I’m glad.”

  “Thanks for taking care of me, Adam.”  I hadn’t called him by his first name in a long time.   He scooted closer to me and held my hand.

  “You’re all I have left, Zo.”  He squeezed my hand in his and I fell asleep again.

  When I woke, Gus had returned.  He had come back with a carload of split wood and some supplies.  The small woodstove had a cast iron Dutch oven and a skillet on top and the smell of baked beans and frying bacon pleasantly filled the air. 

  “Morning, Glory,” said Gus.

  “Hey,” I said weakly.  “What’s all this?” I asked, slowly sitting up.

  “Breakfast,” answered Boggs.  “Gus here was kind enough to scavenge a house nearby.”

  “By yourself?”  I addressed Gus, my tone full of concern.

  He winked at me.  “Don’t sweat it.  I’m fine.  No harm done.  Now let’s take a look at you.”

   He came over and knelt next to me and felt my pulse.  “Much better, darlin’.”  He touched my forehead and nodded.  “Good, fever’s down.  But I want you to keep taking the pills, ok?”  He handed me a large capsule, half yellow and half brown.  It smelled funny.

  “What is it?”  I looked at it skeptically.

  Boggs answered.  “Just the antibiotic, Zo.”

  I put it in my mouth, trusting Boggs fully.  He handed me a bottle of water and I swallowed the pill.  Gus brought a plastic bowl full of beans and weenies over to me.  “Try to eat something, and then we’ll help you get cleaned up.  I brought one of those camping showers back, and a change of clothes.”

  I took the bowl and spoon and ate hungrily.  I hadn’t realized canned beans and Vienna Sausages could taste so good. 

  “If that stays down ok, we’ll try some bacon,” said Gus.

  “Where’d you get bacon?”

  “The house I came across still had electric.  Found it in the freezer,” said Gus.

  I noticed they were both clean shaven and wearing new clothes.   “Are we going there?”  I asked with my mouth full.  “To the house?”

  “No, darlin’.   The house is gone,” said Gus.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, not understanding.

  “When I went back for a second load it was overrun with those creatures,” he continued.

  “Zoe, Gus lit it on fire.  There were just too many of them and it was too close to our little shack here.  We had to leave you here for about an hour to take care of the problem.”

  “They’re gone though, right?”  I asked.

  “You bet darlin’,” answered Gus.  “All gone.”

  I nodded, and shoved another spoonful of beans into my mouth.  “Ok.”

   “Slow down, Zoe.  It’s been two days since you ate,” said Boggs as he took the bowl away from me.  “I’ll take you outside to get cleaned up.”

  “Gus, can you finish cooking the bacon?” asked Boggs.

  Gus nodded. “Ya sure.  Leave the door open so I can keep an ear out, ok?”

   “You bet,” said Boggs a
s he helped me to stand, my legs weak.  We walked together to the narrow door and he led me out into the still gloomy weather.  In the Pacific Northwest gray days can linger.  It wasn’t raining now, but the many trees that overhung continued to drip water and the sky was overcast.  Boggs left the door open and we walked around the corner of the building, where the guys had fashioned a hanging curtain meant for privacy while camping.  A small hand-held shower was attached to a water pump that was fed by a portable propane line.  Boggs helped me to a lawn chair that sat next to the contraption then primed the line and hit the auto-ignite switch.

   “Wait here just a sec, Zoe.  I’m just going to grab a towel.”

  I sat in the chair patiently, enjoying the fresh air.  I watched the old trailer, wondering what had happened to cause the dwellers inside to die their first deaths.  Boggs returned quickly, a fluffy white towel in hand.  He hung it on a nail and held his hand out for me.  I took it and slowly stood.

  “Zoe, I can come in and help if you want?” he offered.  I must have worn a look of shock. “You’re so weak.  I just thought…”

  “I’m sure I’ll be fine, Boggs.  Just stay close?” 

   “Always.”  He kissed my forehead and turned around.

  Someone had dressed me in a men’s button-up shirt.  I struggled with the first button, my arms weaker than I had realized.  He heard me sigh in frustration and turned to face me, trying to hide an ‘I told you so’ smile.

  “Fine,” I said in frustration.

  He took a step toward me and gently unfastened the top button.  He reached the second, starting to bare my chest.  He leaned in and whispered near my neck.  “It’s ok, Zoe, I’ve seen you before.  Just let me help you, ok?”  His breathing was becoming heavy and instinctively I knew this was difficult for him.  His voice held a degree of longing that had never been between us before.  “When I thought I might lose you, Zo, I realized I’d rather die myself.”  I could feel his lips brushing my neck, and I backed away just enough for him to perceive my discomfort.  He hesitated, only briefly, and his lips brushed my neck again as his fingers were now working on a button near my waist.  “I can’t lose you, Zoe Kate,” he whispered between breaths.  The buttons all free, he slid the long sleeved shirt down my shoulders and let it fall to the ground.  I was naked beneath and could feel his body close.

  “Boggs,” I breathed, intending for him to stop.  His lips found my earlobe and his hands reached behind me, pulling my body to his. My heart now pounding, I tried again to speak but his mouth found mine and hushed me as he tasted me deeply.  His passion flowed through me and my already weak muscles gave in to his strong embrace.  He held me against him, his hands searching me wildly and finding my bare bottom while he pressed himself against me, his desire obvious by the hardness I could feel through his pants.

  The moment of unexpected passion was interrupted by the sound of Gus clearing his throat.  “I don’t mean to interrupt you two young lovebirds, but Zoe’s in no shape to exercise right now.”  Boggs continued to hold me to him, his body hiding mine protectively from Gus’ view.  “Get cleaned up, Zoe, and you two get back inside.   I need to check on that hip of yours.”

  Gus had lingered a few moments longer than necessary, but made his point.  Boggs kept his grip on me, and placed his forehead against mine.  No more words were spoken.  Instead, Boggs lifted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me into the makeshift shower.  He set me down on my feet and turned me to face away from him.  He gently sprayed me with the warm water while I stood in front of him.  The warmth from the water and his hands soothed my tense muscles.  He gently shampooed my hair, rinsed it clean and washed it a second time.  He used his fingers to comb conditioner through the tangles, and then gently caressed my cheek with the back of his hand.  His arms encircled me, a bar of soap in his hand.  He started at my belly button and used his hands to lather up to my bare breasts, where he used his thumbs and forefingers to gently pinch my erect nipples while he sucked wildly at my neck.  His caress felt wrong, yet safe at the same time.  Although I had known him my entire life, this touch was so new.  His hands found my waist, and then moved down to my most private of parts.  He studied my body with his hands, as if trying to memorize each detail.  I felt a craving stir deep within my body, and found it difficult to catch my breath.  The gentle caressing turned to frantic groping with his hands, almost as if he wanted to devour me.  I heard him moan into my neck, almost growling.  I desperately tried to turn my body toward him, craving what I had never before experienced, but his strong arms held me in place. 

  “Not yet, Zoe, I want the time to be right,” he said in his deep voice.  “You have no idea how much I want to make love to you, but I want it to be right.  For both of us.”

  He lightened his touch, and rinsed my body off with the hand held shower.  Eventually I couldn’t feel his hands on me anymore.  I closed my eyes and while his touch was absent, I waited for my heart and breathing to slow.  I felt a towel placed upon my shoulders, followed by his hands as he turned me to face him.  I tightly held the edges of the towel in front of me, trying to stay covered and warm.

  I kept my gaze on my bare feet and the rubber mat that had been placed on the ground. He placed his hands on my shoulders as he spoke softly.  “Zoe, look at me.”

  I slowly brought my eyes up to meet his, excitement and fear dancing in my stomach unlike anything I had known before.  He leaned down slowly and kissed me lightly on the lips.  Without backing away more than an inch or two, he spoke gently “I can’t ever lose you, Zo. You’re so important to me.”  He bent down and lifted me again.  Cradling me in his arms, he carried me back into the little stone shack.

  Gus looked up and smiled.  “It’s about time! I was about to eat all the bacon myself.”   He laughed, and walked to the door and locked it as Boggs set me back down on the bed.  Gus had been busy, hauling the old tattered mattress out and replacing it with an air mattress he had pillaged.  He had kindly put fresh sheets and a quilt on the saggy bed while I showered.  I made sure my towel was wrapped around me tight.  Boggs went to the corner and changed his now wet clothes, opting for a dry pair of sweats and a t-shirt.  Gus had brought back an assortment of comfortable dry clothes, as well as three fold-out nylon camping chairs, all in matching red.

  Boggs came back and settled down next to me, causing the air bed to plump up as he plopped.  He began drying my hair with a smaller hand towel.  He pulled a white cotton nightgown over my head. I smiled in thanks as he helped me rid myself of both damp towels.  He brushed my blonde hair, being careful of leftover tangles.  Gus joined us, kneeling on the floor next to the air bed.

  “Zoe is it ok if I look at your wound?” he asked.

  I nodded and pulled my night gown up so he could inspect my hip.  “It’s stinging a bit,” I said.

  “It probably will for a couple days.  I can give you another pain pill if you want,” offered Gus.

  “Maybe just half of one?” I suggested.

  “I’ll get it,” said Boggs.  He stood and walked to the little shelf to get the pill.

  Gus peeled the old dressing off, the task made easier by the dampness from the shower.  I winced.

  “It looks a little less red, that’s good.  We’ll try to do two dressing changes a day for a few days,” said Gus thoughtfully.  “I suspect it’ll clear up just fine, but you’ll need to stay on the antibiotic.”

  Boggs returned with half of a pain pill, a bottle of water, and a piece of bacon. “Thanks, Boggs.  You too, Gus.”  I yawned.

  The activity from the morning had left me tired, and full of thought.  I sipped on water and ate half a piece of bacon, then was ready to sleep. 

  Boggs tucked me in between the crisp new linens on the mattress and kissed me on the cheek, letting it linger.  I closed my eyes and let my aching body relax, my mind refusing to shut itself off and surrender to sleep.  Near the fire, the men talked of
plans to relocate soon.  Our stone home was small and would not last indefinitely.  There was talk of finding other survivors. There was talk of the coming cold season and how it would hit us soon in the mountains.  Before long the pain pill started working and I fell into a fitful sleep.   My dreams were filled with the living dead and of Boggs walking away from me, leaving me alone in the world.

  When I woke next, the fire had died and the room was cold.  Gus and Boggs both slept in the camp chairs.  I crept from my bed and tiptoed around them, intent on lighting the fire.  The wind howled outside, whipping against the sides of our little abode.  I could hear the camp shower knocking against the metal roof.  As I crumpled some newspaper to rekindle the flames in the stove, a tree crashed in the distance.  Faintly at first, a new sound mingled with the storm. As I struck a match, the moans became clear.  Ice traveled up my spine.  The match fell from my hand, lighting the newspaper by chance.  A howl not matching any beast that belonged in the woods was followed by a scream.

  Gus was closest to me, so I shook his shoulder.  “Gus! Gus!”  I whispered as loudly as I dared.

  The cowboy startled awake, instantly alert.  He stood and grabbed his shotgun.  Boggs stirred awake from the commotion.  The wind lulled and the screams grew closer.

  “They sound human.  The screams.  They sound human.”  There was urgency in my voice.

  Moans from the dead intertwined with the wind.  There was a loud thump against the door followed by the pounding of fists.

  “Help me!  Please, help me!” pleaded a woman’s shaky and terrified voice.  The knob shook with her attempts to enter.  “Please, God, let me in!” she begged.  Her pleading changed to sobbing as the moaning drew near.

  I started to rush to the door, but Gus held me back, twisting my arm painfully.  I cried out and Boggs cocked his arm back, landing a blow on Gus’ cheek.  Gus stumbled backward, releasing my arm.  I took the opportunity to rush to the door and unlock it.  I couldn’t bear to let another person perish if we could help them.  The door gave way and a young woman fell inward.  The dead were close behind, excited by the new discovery of more food.

  “Boggs!” I screamed.  The girl lay flat on her back with her legs still outside, making it impossible to shut the door.  He and Gus both ran to her.  They each grabbed an arm and dragged her inside.  I slammed the door as the first of the creatures reached the shack.  I struggled with the lock as the monsters pushed back against me.  A decaying hand forced its way between the jamb and the door and the howls of the dead grew riotous.  The men both rushed to my aid, throwing their weight against the door. Gus brought the butt of his shotgun down on the hand, severing shredded tendons and ligaments until it fell free from the arm.  The door slammed shut with the sudden release, and I twisted the deadbolt to the locked position.

  The girl cried hysterically.  Her face was a mess of mud, rain, tears, and a splattering of blood and freckles.  She had short messy red hair and wasn’t much taller than myself.  I thought she couldn’t have been older than eighteen.  I went to her and wrapped my arms around her shaking body, for her comfort as well as my own.  We sat there facing the door together, watching as dust and cob webs fell from the rafters as the horrors outside beat against the building attempting to gain entry.  Gus had positioned his shotgun in one of the small holes and fired.  The hellish moans of the rotting corpses got louder.  Boggs took a stand at the other opening in the wall, firing his pistol blindly into the night.  Shot after shot rang out until finally the moans and screams of the creatures ceased.  Everyone fought to catch their breath as the rain fell steadily, beating against the roof. The girl clutched at my arms, her sobs increasing as she moaned in emotional agony.

  “They got Joey…they got Joey…oh God they got Joey!” she repeated again and again.

  “Shhhhhhh” I whispered as I tried to calm her.  My white nightgown was now soaked and dirtied from the stranger, but I felt a need to cling to her as she clung to me.  “You’re safe now.   Shhhhhhh.”   I held her tight.  Not knowing what to do, I looked at Boggs and Gus.   The smell of death was once again upon us.

  Gus set his shotgun down, and then bent over to rest his hands on his knees as his adrenaline rush subsided.  Boggs ran his hand through his sweat-soaked hair, looking mad as a hatter.

  “Zoe, you have to step away from her,” said Gus sternly as he picked his shotgun back up from the floor.

  My sense of danger increased as I realized she might be infected.

   I nodded and stood.  Looking down at the girl’s saddened face, I whispered to her.  “It’ll be ok.”  I looked into her green eyes and saw deep sadness that mirrored recent tragedy.  I felt Boggs place his hands on my arm and guide me away from her.

  Gus brought his shotgun up and aimed it at the terrified girl.  My heart was breaking. Something about this girl tugged at my spirit and I wanted to be at her side.  I watched Gus’ expression and realized he was in emotional turmoil himself.

  “Gus,” I said sharply. He didn’t take his eyes off of her.

  “Zoe, we can’t take the chance darlin’.  We just can’t.   Especially not with the blood.”

  “Please, don’t shoot me,” pleaded the girl.  “I swear it’s not my blood.  I swear.”  She was having trouble catching her breath.

  I knelt down in front of her and looked her in the eyes.  “I believe you,” I said in the kindest voice I could muster.  I was still weak, and the room swayed slightly.  I prayed the men wouldn’t notice.  Not now.

  “Boggs,” I pleaded.  “At least let me look her over.  For the love of God,” I pleaded.  “Gus, I’ll keep my distance.  Just let me look her over.”

  Gus cleared his throat and spoke.  “She’ll have to get undressed.  You’ll have to look at every inch of her, Zoe.”

  Boggs added his own voice to the conversation.  “Zoe, I can’t leave you alone with her.”

  “Just let me hold up a towel, ok?  She’s scared to death and the last thing she needs is you guys looking at her.”

  I heard Boggs sigh deeply, almost angrily.  I kept my sight on the girl, who still sat on the floor with tears streaming from her eyes.  I heard Boggs’ footfalls, and shortly after he handed me the towel I had used earlier.

  “Can you tell me your name?” I asked the girl.

  The girl focused on my face.  “Emmeline.  Emmeline Martin.” She sniffled, her pale green eyes reddened from crying.  “Emilie.”  She wiped a wet sleeve across her cheek, smearing the mess that was already there.

  “Emilie, I’m Zoe.  Can you get out of your wet clothes?  I’ll hold the towel up, so no one else will see anything.” 

  She looked at both Boggs and Gus.  “We just have to make sure you haven’t been bit.  Please?” 

  I stared at both men with a look of disapproval.  This felt so cruel.

  Emilie broke the awkward silence.  “On my left calf, I got scratched running through the woods.  It’s not from one of those things.  I swear it.”  She was obviously terrified that her life was about to end.

  “That’s ok Emilie.  Thanks for letting me know.”  I stood up, and offered my hand.  She accepted it reluctantly, and I helped her struggle to her feet.  I opened the towel up and held it between us, blocking her from the view of the men.  Emilie slipped her jeans and shoes off first, and turned around so I could see the long scratch that crossed the back of her left leg.  It looked angry.  “Ok, Emilie, it looks good so far.”  She pulled her sweatshirt over her head and turned around again.  Her arms were crossed over her chest.

  “Zoe, you have to look everywhere.  Arms, under her bra and underwear,” said Gus.

  Emilie looked helpless, embarrassed, and violated, but she did what it took to show me she was free of bites. 

  “I hope you’re satisfied,” I said to both men.  I walked to the girl and wrapped her in the towel, then helped her to the corner of the room with the woodstove.  “Emilie, I’ll bring yo
u some clean clothes and a washcloth.”   She nodded but remained quiet.

   “Emilie, can Gus look at your leg?” I signaled toward him with my head. “He was a nurse in the Army, and should clean it for you.”  She nodded in agreement, though hesitantly.  “I promise he’s a good guy.  He’s not as bad as he’s acting.  And Boggs is my best friend.  He’s ok too.  I promise.”

  While Gus used some cold rain water we kept in a bucket and a wash cloth to wipe away dried blood from her leg, he announced the wound was shallow and should heal if kept clean.  I helped the girl clean her face and arms and afterward she slipped into a new pair of pants and a t-shirt from the stock Gus had looted.

  “You hungry Emilie?” asked Boggs.

  She nodded, and was handed a bowl of cold beans.

  “Sorry it’s not hot,” said Boggs.

  She ate hungrily and with her mouth full said “it’s ok.”

  “I’m really sorry about all that Emilie,” said Gus.  “We had to be careful, and I’m sorry we scared you.”

  I was handed another antibiotic pill, and washed it down with water from my earlier supper.  I walked to a dark corner and traded my soiled night gown for sweat pants and a pull-over long sleeved shirt. 

  Boggs suggested we all try to rest, and talk more in the morning.

  “Emilie, you can have my bed,” I said.  I scooted over to one of the two bean bags and rested against it on my right side, facing away from Gus and toward Emilie.  She crawled under the covers.  Boggs closed the door to the woodstove to darken the room and make the fire last.

  Gus lay back as far as he could in one of the camping chairs and closed his eyes. “No one go outside till morning, and not alone.”  No one answered him.  “We’ll pack up and move out.   Find something more secure.  Leave the dead bastards where they lay.”

  Emilie was breathing slowly and evenly, signaling she was already asleep.  Boggs crawled over and nestled in behind me, also resting on the bean bag.  He seemed hesitant to touch me, and I longed for the comfort of his hand on mine.  He mirrored my body with his and I could feel his breath on my neck.

  “Zoe, please don’t be mad at me about earlier,” he whispered.  “Please…I just needed to be close to you.  To know you were really alive and here with me.  I can’t explain it well.  Please, don’t hate me for crossing a line.  You’re my best friend, Zo, and I love you in so many ways.”

  I responded by reaching back and finding his hand.  I pulled his arm around me.  He rested his head between my shoulder and my neck, tightening his grip on me as if he feared I’d fade into the night. 

  “I’m not mad, Boggs.  I just didn’t know you felt like that about me.  And I know it wasn’t the right time.  I’m not sure what to think, or feel.”

  He whispered one last thing.  “Thank you for the picture of my parents.”  I fell asleep in his embrace, as confused about life as I now was about death.