The Intelligent Conversationalist

by Imogen Lloyd Webber

  It is important to pause here, and we return to this when we discuss the Middle East in Cheat Sheet 17. Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all trace themselves back to Abraham. More than half the world thinks themselves as part of these religions, grounded in faith, charity, and obedience with a final goal of heaven/hell. Just under a third of the world worship through Dharmic religions (such as Hinduism, Buddhism, and Sikhism), which focus on honing one’s consciousness. We are more similar than we sometimes give ourselves credit for.

  The problem with religion has often enough been one of ignorance of other types of faith, which considering the degree of interrelation between many of them is perhaps a little surprising. Followers of Islam describe themselves as believing in the same Abrahamic God as Jews and Christians. Jesus is one of Islam’s prophets, after all—which I admit that I didn’t know, or had forgotten, until 2013. Neither did three people I got drunk with while discussing the subject, including the CEO of a major NYLON company and a journalist at one of Rupert Murdoch’s more reputable publications. Yes, a few do exist. In fact, Jesus Christ is mentioned five times more often than Muhammad in the Qur’an.

  These next Cheat Sheets will ensure that you make no clanging errors on the matter of religion. But if it comes up, obviously use your common sense. Religion can be such a sensitive subject that to dwell or debate on it can end only in tears. And that’s on a good day. We begin with Cheat Sheet 9, a reference grid of religions containing pertinent points that will be forever useful to have up your sleeve. Cheat Sheet 10 is an overview of big religious holidays so you don’t look like an insensitive oaf when dealing with people of different faiths throughout the year. Our final Cheat Sheet on this subject will look at two areas where religion has been erroneously used as an excuse for bad behavior—as an argument against homosexuality and as justification for terrorism.

  Recent studies suggest that the fastest-growing religious denomination in America is the religiously unaffiliated, the “nones.” After penning this section, I found it easy to see why.

  CHEAT SHEET 9—RELIGIONS

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are Abrahamic. Hinduism, Buddhism, and Sikhism are Dharmic. It’s naive, but why can’t we all just get along? Really, why can’t we?”

  Use this when someone is focusing on the dissimilarities of people around the world and you feel the need to point out that we are all human beings—tragedy comes when we forget that.

  Crisp Fact: “Hinduism is arguably the oldest living religion. It originated in modern-day Pakistan.”

  We live in a very young country—this is useful when it’s worth contemplating the greater scheme of things.

  Pivot: “That whole Charlotte’s happily converting to Judaism, Sex in the City story line? Do you know of anyone who that’s actually worked for? Seems to me more farfetched than a freelance writer being able to buy Blahniks. Incidentally, I love your shoes/socks/earrings, where did you get them from?”

  Fluffy, yes, but guiding conversation toward fashion is far less dangerous terrain, unless you’ve been sat next to Anna Wintour.

  CHEAT SHEET 10—RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS

  BACKGROUND BRIEFING … AND WHY IT MATTERS TODAY

  I am nominally a Christian. That didn’t stop me one Wednesday in February suggesting to a coworker that he wipe the black mark off his forehead. Well, Ash Wednesday wasn’t a big deal in my household. At least I’ve never asked a Muslim what new fad diet they’re on during Ramadan.

  This Cheat Sheet will help you avoid such faux pas, but do bear in mind that this is only the tip of the iceberg on the festivals of the major religions. In Hinduism alone, it’s apparently an understatement to claim that there is a holiday for every day of the year. Thus Cheat Sheet 10 is comprised of a few notable talking points and red flags with a quick look at the main religious holidays, which will insert a basic sensitivity chip into you.

  To add to the general confusion, all the main religions use the lunar calendar to a varying extent, so their big dates tend to shift on the Gregorian, aka Western, calendar, which is a solar calendar. Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon following March 21. The months of the Islamic calendar are based on the sighting of the new moon, which leaves room for much debate about precisely when that is. Each month of the Jewish calendar also begins with the new moon, and there’s sometimes an extra month to keep the calendar synchronized with the solar year. Meanwhile, with the exception of the Japanese, Buddhists use the lunar calendar, and the dates of their festivals are different depending on the country and the particular Buddhist tradition. The cycle of nature dictates a significant number of the Hindu holidays.

  Upshot? If you hadn’t realized already, with anyone orthodox, you need to eggshell tread throughout the year. Although if a Christian gets too antsy with you around Easter, you can point out that it’s an amalgamation of holidays: The history of eggs can be traced back to ancient Greece, and the Easter bunny is pagan.

  * * *

  NOTEWORTHY NUGGET

  The period of forty days is of deep significance to both Jews and Christians. Figures it crops up for in scripture include Moses and Jesus, who both fasted for forty days before receiving the Ten Commandments and taking on his ministry, respectively.

  * * *

  TALKING POINTS

  • There are only two Muslim festivals in Islamic law, Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha. A number of Muslims actually frown upon celebrating the Prophet’s birthday, Eid Milad un-Nabi, seeing it as contrary to Islamic law.

  • Fox News is arguably incorrect with its annual December decree that there is a “war on Christmas,” for the simple fact it’s so pagan that Puritans (them) at one point banned it. Read on …

   Numerous historical studies link Christianity with paganism, and many Christian festivals can trace their roots back to Babylon. Jesus probably wasn’t born on December 25. The gospels don’t mention the date, and from them, scholars have deduced it was too cold, compared to what else was going on at the time (shepherds outside with their flocks, etc.). However, at that time of year the Babylonian Queen of Heaven had a son.

   Christmas also stems from ancient Greek festivals, Druidic beliefs, and Hanukkah. It was Pope Julius I in the fourth century AD who set the date for Christmas as December 25, to link together Christian and other celebrations at the time, including various Roman holidays celebrating the winter solstice.

   The majority of Christmas customs don’t come from the church. Mistletoe was a pagan fertility plant. Thus in 1644 the Puritans canceled Christmas in England because the celebrations were pagan/heretical/superstitious and not really all that Christian. And it was this type of Puritan that originally turned up in America, so it’s the ultimate American tradition to wage war on Christmas. Which is what you tell Bill O’Reilly if you ever meet him at a “holiday” party in December.

  • At a Halloween party trying to chat up someone in S&M gear? You could note that between the Celts (who called it Samhain), the Anglo-Saxons, and the Illuminati, Halloween is basically a Dan Brown novel on steroids. Then again …

  RED FLAGS

  • Thanks to globalization, many of us regularly do deals with people of different religions. If you’re trying to impress/elicit something out of them, it is probably best not to send a rude e-mail asking why they haven’t replied to one of yours on their Sabbath. So note the following:

   Christian—Sunday is the Lord’s Day throughout the year, as it’s the day Christ rose from the dead.

   Islam—Friday.

   Buddhism—changes depending on the lunar cycle.

   Hinduism—tends to be Saturday.

   Judaism—Saturday (the Sabbath or Shabbat). Note that the Jewish day begins at sunset, which means that all Jewish holidays begin the evening before their Western date. Occasionally they are moved around, as sometimes the Sabbath is not supposed to be the same day as certain festivals.

  • Someone d
efending racial profiling of Muslims or the banning of building a mosque? If you’re on a Fox Business show that you have had a regular spot on, don’t say, “Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘to kill with kindness’?” You will never be invited to return to the aforementioned show.

  • If a Jewish former business partner/ boyfriend/girlfriend should apologize for their misbehavior to you in the ten days after Rosh Hashanah, be gracious about it and don’t rub it in that they’re doing it because God’s currently deciding what the next year is bringing them. It is also deeply manipulative of you to go after them for an apology during that time. I’ve never done that, obviously—oh no. Of course if your gripe is a result of lack of condom usage (see Cheat Sheet 9 on Jews and birth control), I’d say fair game.

  * * *

  WISE WORDS

  We build too many walls and not enough bridges.

  —Isaac Newton

  * * *

  IMPORTANT HOLIDAYS

  CHRISTIANITY

  SHROVE TUESDAY AKA PANCAKE DAY AKA MARDI GRAS (French for Fat Tuesday). Occurs in February or March and is supposed to use up foods that Christians wouldn’t eat during Lent. But now many consume those foods throughout Lent anyway.

  ASH WEDNESDAY, START OF LENT (means lengthen, days are getting longer—i.e., it’s spring). The Wednesday after Shrove Tuesday. If people have a mark on their forehead, they’ve been to church so they can carry the sign of the cross out in the world.

  PALM SUNDAY. Sunday before Easter, which takes place in March or April. Marks Jesus turning up in Jerusalem and is the beginning of Holy Week. Cue triumphant-type services with palm leaves that are then burned to ashes for the following year’s Ash Wednesday.

  MAUNDY THURSDAY AKA HOLY THURSDAY. Thursday before Easter. Marks the Last Supper, where Judas betrayed Jesus. Busy for the queen—gives out Maundy Money to deserving seniors. Tradition dates back to King John in 1213.

  GOOD FRIDAY. Friday before Easter. Crucifixion of Jesus.

  EASTER SUNDAY. Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Most important day for Christians.

  DECEMBER 25, CHRISTMAS, JESUS CHRIST’S BIRTH AKA THE NATIVITY. As established previously, it’s the ultimate American tradition to cancel it. Also notable as unlike all of the holidays above, it doesn’t move.

  ISLAM

  EID MILAD UN-NABI. Birthday of the Prophet. Some Muslims celebrate; some frown upon it.

  RAMADAN. Ninth month of the Islamic calendar, compulsory fasting (no food or drink or medications) during daylight for every able Muslim. Qur’an was revealed during this month (mosques tend to recite a thirtieth of the Qur’an each night) and it is a period blessed by Allah, so actions are more powerful. Obviously far harder to do in the summer months—days are longer and hotter. For countries, indeed places, that are predominantly Muslim and are undergoing unrest, the impact of Ramadan must always be considered.

  LAYLAT AL-QADR, THE NIGHT OF POWER. Falls on one of the last ten days of Ramadan, the holiest night of the year, the night the Qur’an was first revealed. Considered better than a thousand months, so if you worship on that night, worship is equal to a thousand months.

  EID AL-FITR, THE FESTIVAL OF BREAKING THE FAST. Thanking Allah for getting them through Ramadan and celebrating its end. People dress in their best clothes, decorate their homes, give treats to children, and spend time with family.

  EID AL-ADHA, THE FEAST OF SACRIFICE. One of the two most important Islamic festivals, it commemorates the prophet Abraham’s willingness to obey Allah by sacrificing his son Ishmael. Just before Abraham sacrificed his son, Allah replaced Ishmael with a ram. Lasts for three days and occurs at the conclusion of the annual pilgrimage to Mecca (Hajj). A lamb or other animal is sacrificed and the meat distributed to loved ones and the poor.

  BUDDHISM

  SANGHA DAY, AKA FOURFOLD ASSEMBLY, AKA MAGHA PUJA DAY. Typically in February. Second most important Buddhist festival, celebrating the Buddhist community. Celebrations vary, but a traditional time for gift exchange.

  NIRVANA DAY. Occurs on February 8 or 15 and marks the anniversary of Buddha’s death. Used to reflect on the death of loved ones and one’s future death. Nirvana isn’t just a rock band.

  BUDDHA DAY, AKA VESAK, AKA WESAK, AKA VISAKHA PUJA. Every May on the night of the full moon. Most significant Buddhist celebration. Celebrates birth, enlightenment, and death of the Buddha.

  BODHI DAY. This one has the secular date of December 8 in Japan, so in our horribly simplistic manner we’ll focus on that. Some Buddhists celebrate Gautama’s attainment of enlightenment under the Bodhi tree at Bodh Gaya, India.

  HINDUISM

  HOLI, THE FESTIVAL OF COLORS. Normally celebrated in March, this is one of the two main Hindu festivals. There are street parties, dancing, and singing. People smear each other with paint and throw colored powder and water around.

  DIWALI, THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS. Celebrated at some point between mid-October and mid-November. A national holiday in India. Involves lights, fireworks, gift exchange, gambling, and new clothes. If you’re doing business with India, take note—people regard it as favorable day to start a new accounting year, as for many it honors Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth. Festival lasts five days.

  JUDAISM

  PASSOVER, AKA PESACH. Typically in March or April. One of the most important Jewish festivals, remembering the Israelites’ liberation from Egyptian slavery. God set ten plagues on the Egyptians, the final one killing the firstborn of all households apart from the Jews’, who had been told to sacrifice lambs and mark their doors with the blood to escape this fate. The lambs were eaten with bitter herbs and unleavened bread; hence they’re included in the Seder, the meal Jews eat on the first two nights of Passover.

  ROSH HASHANAH. The Jewish New Year falls at some point between September 5 and October 5. Jews believe God decides what will happen in the year ahead and judge a person’s good vs. bad deeds. Begins the ten “Days of Awe”—when Jews are expected to find all the people they have hurt during the previous year and apologize to them. Deadline: Yom Kippur.

  YOM KIPPUR, DAY OF ATONEMENT. Occurs between September 14 and October 14. Sacred, solemn, important to attend synagogue. Fast from sundown to sundown, acknowledgment of personal and communal sin and wrongdoing. Jews believe God makes the final decision on who will live, die, prosper, and fail during the next year, and seals his judgment in the Book of Life.

  SUKKOT, THE FEAST OF TABERNACLES. Also falls in September/October. Commemorates the years the Israelites spent journeying to the Promised Land and living in temporary dwellings—hence four types of plant involved.

  HANUKKAH. Occurs any time between late November and late December. Marks the story of the “miracle of oil” in 164 BC. A group of Jews recaptured Jerusalem from Syrian Greeks. They had only enough sacred oil to light the seven-branched candlestick (menorah) for a day, but it stayed lit for eight days. During Hanukkah they light an extra candle on a nine-branched menorah every night, say prayers, and eat fried foods to remind them of oil. Some gifts exchanged.

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “All the main religions use the lunar calendar to a varying extent, so their big dates tend to shift on the Gregorian aka Western aka solar calendar. Why can’t we all get along again?”

  The eternal question: We are all human beings—why on earth do we let religion be the root cause of all trouble and strife?

  Crisp Fact: “Christmas can be linked with paganism. So much so the Puritans canceled it in 1644. And that’s the type of Puritan that originally turned up in America, so it’s the ultimate American tradition to wage war on Christmas, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and Fox News.”

  This can be a fun one during the Yuletide season—FNC watchers’ faces are a picture if you have this debate, while non-FNC viewers will have much fun agreeing with you. Make sure the discussion doesn’t degenerate into too much animosity, though—it is Christmas, after all.

  Pivot: “As Isaac Newton said, ‘We build too many walls and not enough bridge
s.’ What’s your favorite bridge, by the way? I think everyone should have one.”

  Nobody can argue against the fact that we spend too much time arguing with each other; this is as good a pivot out as any.

  CHEAT SHEET 11—RELIGION IS NO EXCUSE

  CASE STUDY 1. CHRISTIANITY … AND HOMOSEXUALITY

  You need do no more than quote Aaron Sorkin’s The West Wing on this one. Simply recall President Bartlet’s perfect response to a talk-show host labeling homosexuality as an “abomination” because of Leviticus 18:22: “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”

  I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleaned the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?

  My chief of staff, Leo McGarry, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police?

  Here’s one that’s really important cause we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point?

  Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother, John, for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads?

  Ergo, not everything that is written in scripture is appropriate to follow in the twenty-first century. Shrimp are referred to as an abomination four times more than homosexuality in the Bible, but that hasn’t stopped the rise of the artery-clogging “delicacy” that is popcorn shrimp. Marriage, the love of two people, is a conservative tradition. We discuss this further in Cheat Sheet 26.