The Intelligent Conversationalist

by Imogen Lloyd Webber

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  • Voter ID laws touted by Republicans arguably give a bigger boost to Democrats, who can portray them as a symbolic issue and use them to mobilize their base.

  • When it comes to conventions, the convention is to say that “neither convention will be too bold.” There’ll be some “red meat” for the base, but they’re playing to independents in swing states and the aim of the party’s game will be to create lots of positive sound bites and images and not to give ammunition to the other side.

   The keynote address may well be given by a Rising Star earmarked for Great Things. Obama at the Democratic National Convention (DNC) in 2004 being the prime example.

   Urban legend has it that during the course of their conventions, Republicans spend about three times more on strip clubs than Democrats do.

  • Defeating an incumbent will always be tricky, as a number of voters will have to admit that they were wrong in voting for him/her in the previous election. Charisma is normally essential to succeed in this situation. Jimmy Carter and George Bush I were defeated by Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton respectively, who both had bucketloads of the stuff.

  • Presidential debate talking points don’t change. The following will get you through:

   “Debates are rarely game changers that decide elections—the exceptions being 1960 (tanned JFK versus sweaty Nixon, but even then, he won on radio and nobody can remember what was said) and 2000 (Gore invading Bush II’s space and sighing). They’re so close to the elections most people have decided and some already voted.”

   “Hope the moderator has packed his tin hat.”

   “You’d be surprised what blows up. Remember Romney and his binders full of women?”

   Obama prepped by debating John Kerry in 2012. Reagan converted his garage into a TV studio and hired congressman David Stockman to stand in for Jimmy Carter. Stockman was rewarded with a job as budget director once Reagan was elected. Ohio congressman Rob Portman spent years pretending to be a Democrat for GOP prep.

  • Midterm voters tend to be fewer in number, older, and whiter. It’s also perfectly usual, especially if in the second term of a two-term presidency, for the opposing party of the president to win Congress. So in 2014, the GOP got control of the Senate (they already had the House) … for the first time since 2006. When Bush I was president.

  RED FLAGS

  • The concept that blue states subsidize red states and blue counties subsidize red counties. This debate always gets ugly, with questions thrown in as to accuracy of data. Unless you have said data at your fingertips, you may end up on the losing end of this argument.

  • Be wary of the “get money out of politics” claim; if you’re up against a smart person, he or she will press you as to what you replace it with. In the UK, campaign spending has been strictly limited since 1883 and the total cost of elections for all parties is around $50 million. But every prime minister since Thatcher has needed the support of Rupert Murdoch and his media empire to get elected, which is why the phone hacking scandal got as scandalous as it did. Politicians were in bed with the press, who were in bed with the police. Just corruption of a different kind. Also, there’s a free speech element: Why can’t Americans spend their money how they choose?

   If you must grandstand, throw the word transparency around a lot. You don’t mind the money in politics, but it’s got to be transparent so you know who’s trying to buy votes and politicians.

  • There is much talk about how in America voter turnout—at around 60 percent, where it’s hovered for decades—is very low compared to other countries. Although mandatory voting, as they have in Australia, has its advantages, it won’t work in the USA. It quite possibly violates the freedom of speech concept, as Americans have the freedom not to speak and often believe that voting is a civic right rather than a civic duty.

  • The Republican acronym GOP stands for Grand Old Party, in case you were confusing it with Good Operating Practice or Gross Operating Profit. (I’m being very good and not making a joke here.)

  • A RINO is not an animal. Well. No, it means “Republican in Name Only”—normally what Tea Party types label old-school conservative compromise types.

  • Now, on the subject of animals, don’t get these confused: The GOP is represented by an elephant, the Democrats by a donkey. This dates back to a Harper’s Weekly cartoon in 1874.

  • There is a line of reasoning that Texas (thirty-eight electoral votes) could become a swing state thanks to shifting demographics. But it’s controversial and dependent on your statistics being better than your adversary’s.

  • Not worth proclaiming that the 1960 Nixon-Kennedy election was disputed. The Kennedys may have been up to naughtiness in Chicago, but JFK had a MASSIVE margin of victory overall—303 to 219.

  • Remain healthily skeptical of the idea of a third party. Washington’s political duopoly is entrenched, although you can always throw in the concept that in 1992, Ross Perot helped throw the election to Bill Clinton. That is why the Republican establishment was so wary of the Donald Trump surge in the GOP presidential nomination polls in summer 2015 and his threats to run as a third-party candidate.

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  WISE WORDS

  Democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

  —Winston Churchill

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  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: “Oh, as the former British Labour Party Prime Minister Harold Wilson said, ‘A week is a long time in politics.’”

  Anything can happen, especially in this day and age of modern technology—one tweet can ruin your life. Say this sagely and nobody can contradict you.

  Crisp Fact: “The last time the Republicans won a presidential election without a Bush or a Nixon on the ticket was 1928.”

  This is one of those mind-boggling, jaw-dropping truths that always adds spice to a political discussion.

  Pivot: Say: “Wake me up on November [the day after the presidential/midterm election]” and simply switch the chat to anything else.

  I used to use this line live on MSNBC when all the panel was regurgitating talking points. Fortunately for me, I was working for a host whose frustration with the vast majority of politicians was legendary.

  SUBJECT SIX—GEOGRAPHY

  GEOGRAPHY SUMMARY

  This subject is actually incredibly simple to navigate. Live by the theme that “there are no foreign lands; it is the traveler only who is foreign,” never confuse Austria and Australia, and if you need to pivot out of a chat about distant climes, say: “My sense of direction is so bad, a member of One Direction’s would be better.” You can then talk about boy bands, where your lack of knowledge is a badge of honor, as opposed to one of shame. Unless you are a twelve-year-old girl, and I somehow doubt, dear reader, that you are that.

  It may be unfair, but those who live elsewhere are likely to assume that, as an American, you need to read up on this subject. The myths about Americans and their grasp of geography are the stuff of legend. And by geography, I’m talking internationally—I’m not going to stoop so low and print a map of the United States here. And BTW, make this a maxim to live by: “There are no foreign lands; it is the traveler only who is foreign.” I KNOW. Genius. And as a foreigner in the United States I try to remember it daily.

  The first big myth, of course, is passports, and Americans’ lack of possession of them. Which actually I’ve got some more positive news on than you thought I would. Urban legend has it that only about 10 percent of Americans have them, and this little nugget is repeated by many millions of the 6.8 billion or so people in the world who aren’t American. Fairly recent figures suggest about a third of you do. Could be worse.

  However, by some rather more complex math, it is estimated that only 3.5 percent of all US residents travel overseas in any given year. And by overseas, I don’t mean Canada or Mexico, which don’t count. Really, they don’t count—y
ou don’t have to travel over any seas to get there. I almost screamed when I was told I had no US credit rating (read: no ability to get a mobile phone, credit card, do anything), as the only international country that counts was Canada. FFS.

  What is true is that Americans have a worldwide perception problem when it comes to their grasp of geography. Now most of this, if any, is not your personal fault. There’s the face in various key locales of the Obama administration’s foreign policy being drones, over a decade of war waged in the Middle East; the fact that it’s John McCain who always seems to be on a plane (has he ever gone to a country apart from perhaps Monaco where he doesn’t think US military action is required?); not to mention McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, and Starbucks. However, do you know the difference between England and Britain? Where’s oil-rich Brunei? What’s the capital of Turkey? It’s not Istanbul.

  For those of you who weren’t flawless in your responses, you’ll know all by the end of this subject. And if you were stumped, you are not alone. Remember the Boston Bombers back in 2013? In response to so much social media activity incorrectly identifying the suspects as having Czech, rather than Chechen, origins, the Czech ambassador to the US had to issue a statement. Yes, a statement. Pointing out that “the Czech Republic and Chechnya are two very different entities—the Czech Republic is a Central European country; Chechnya is a part of the Russian Federation.”

  What are the answers to the questions? I cover Brunei below. Ankara is Turkey’s capital. And Great Britain?

  Well, Britain includes England (capital: London), Scotland (capital: Edinburgh) and Wales (capital: Cardiff). It does not include Northern Ireland (capital: Belfast). Read the Cheat Sheet on the royals and you know that these areas didn’t always get along. Britain is the ninth largest island in the world. Now, here’s the complicated bit. Britain is part of the sovereign state of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. In 1922, most of Ireland seceded from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. So just the Northern part remained. The UK also has a ton of islands, but I’m not going to overly confuse you right now. Just remember a Scottish or a Welsh person is not an English person. And most important, remember the same thing goes for someone from Northern Ireland.

  I leave you with these thoughts, as it does come with geography, after all: climate change. I used to be asked on another Fox Business host’s morning show twice a month. And then he decided we should debate climate change. I skewered him. Never been invited back since. Because I’m right and showed him up. I know all too well when I suck, and I didn’t that day.

  First of all, always call it climate change. Please, if you’re in the Caribbean and it snows, don’t ask where the global warming is now. It’s causing the freak weather, you muppet.

  There is no scientific controversy over this. We can’t just live in the short term. Most experts believe in climate change and that it can cause future generations serious problems. Don’t believe me? Look at the NASA website. I have no idea how they put a man on the moon; I’m somewhat inclined to believe them when they red-flag this as a problem. Still not good enough? In 2013, 900 scientists reviewed 9,000 studies and concluded there was a 95 percent chance climate change is man-made. Even if you don’t buy into climate change, there’s a cost-benefit analysis here. Reagan phased out our ozone-depleting chemicals as his economists discovered that the costs for doing so were less than for not doing so—basically because various cancers would be avoided. Climate change will equal more expensive natural disasters. It would be cheaper for the international community if it reduced greenhouse gas emissions and avoided natural disasters (Sandy cost $50 billion; the 2011 and 2012 heat waves and droughts added $10 billion to farm costs) than if it did nothing.

  Although feel free to point out that Hollywood types who drive a Prius made in Japan or fly around on a private jet and start spouting save-the-planet stuff are complete hypocrites.

  Geography is actually just really depressing. What’s next? Biology! Excellent, sex.

  No, abortion, the death penalty, that sort of thing. If I were you I’d just switch to culture and all those hypocritical celebrities. I’m losing patience with myself.

  Right, before I strop (see Cheat Sheet 3) anymore, let’s get to our two maps, shall we? They are really all you need.

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  WISE WORDS

  War is God’s way of teaching America geography.

  —Ambrose Bierce

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  CHEAT SHEET 22—MAP ONE: WORLD MAP

  First of all, a world map. Please can you note my top ten of the following:

  1. Brunei. One of the top five richest nations in the world. Public debt hovers around 0 percent of national GDP. (US—around 70 percent). Not in the Middle East. Not even close. Southeast Asia.

  2. Oman and Amman. Oman is an Arab state that is situated at the mouth of the Persian Gulf. It has a marine border with Iran and also borders Saudi Arabia, UAE, and Yemen. Vital, wouldn’t you say? Amman is the capital of Jordan.

  3. United Arab Emirates, aka UAE. The UAE is made up of seven emirates (including Abu Dhabi and Dubai), each of which has a hereditary emir governing it. The emirs form the Federal Supreme Council, which runs things, and one of the emirs is chosen as the president of the United Arab Emirates.

  4. Austria and Australia. Please God no, don’t confuse them. Apparently this is a thing. Apparently some Americans do so much that in tourist shops in Austria they actually have T-shirts for you to buy saying “No kangaroos in Austria.” And then Bush II (it wouldn’t have been I), who thanked the AUSTRALIAN premier for calling on AUSTRIAN troops in Iraq. Iraq. That war—it doesn’t get any worse. No, no, no, I can’t cope.

  5. Oakland and Auckland. This is also a thing. A California student in 1985 was in Germany and wanted to return to Oakland. He ended up in Auckland. New Zealand.

  6. Switzerland and Sweden. Supposedly actress Jessica Alba got these confused back in the day, before she was a big businesswoman. However, whether you are model or mogul, it is completely unacceptable to not know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland.

  7. While we’re in the vicinity, neither Geneva nor Zurich is Switzerland’s capital city. Bern is. And it’s a charming town complete with its own bear pit.

  8. Toronto isn’t Canada’s capital either. Ottawa is.

  9. Paraguay (landlocked). Uruguay (on the Atlantic, FFS).

  10. Slovenia and Slovakia. Not just you getting it wrong for these two independent 1990s nations, so feel better. The UN. World leaders. Olympic officials. It’s so bad, embassy staff meet once a month to switch mail. For the record: Slovenia is right down by Italy and split from Yugoslavia. Slovakia split from Czechoslovakia (duh!) and is right up near Poland.

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: All the world’s a stage, not just the USA.

  The world doesn’t revolve around America but around the sun, so turning the dialogue to the big picture will make you look open as opposed to small-minded.

  Crisp Fact: Ottawa is Canada’s capital.

  Often the obvious place is not a country’s capital. Be wary of looking like a muppet and getting it wrong.

  Pivot: Can you believe some people confuse Austria and Australia? Have you been to either country?

  This pivot will spark a chat about travel, which should be safe and sometimes even enlightening.

  CHEAT SHEET 23—MAP TWO: NUCLEAR WEAPONS

  Only one country has ever used nuclear weapons in combat—the USA. What does every permanent member of the Security Council have in common? Nuclear weapons. Of course they do. The “nuclear club” is the most exclusive, powerful club in the world. Muammar Gaddafi dismantled his nuclear program in 2003 to end his status as international pariah. Eight years later, look what happened. The only security guarantee for dictators is nuclear weapons; just ask North Korea. Why would anyone ever want a bomb? America continues to prove dictators have only one true security guarantee: nukes. Now from 1970 the NPT (
Non-Proliferation Treaty) has been in force, which is supposed to stop the spread of nukes, promote the peaceful uses of atomic energy etc., etc.

  The good news: most states have signed up to it! Including Iran!

  The bad news? There have been some disputes about Iran’s status, hence all those negotiations in 2015. And North Korea, India, Israel, Pakistan, and South Sudan have never joined it.

  Those designated by the symbol officially have nukes. Those with the symbol have access via NATO. Those with the symbol unofficially do. Note that Israel is always ambiguous on the topic, but we know.

  DEFINITELY HAVE ( )

  USA

  Russia

  UK

  France

  China

  CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON IN A PINCH ( )

  Belgium

  Germany

  Netherlands

  Italy

  Turkey

  UNOFFICIALLY HAVE ( )

  India

  Pakistan

  North Korea

  Israel

  SOCIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGY

  Argument: The only security guarantee for dictators is nuclear weapons.

  Every permanent member of the Security Council has nuclear weapons. Nukes equal power, so it is unsurprising that countries that currently don’t have them try to attain them. Ask the assembled company if they think it’s hypocritical that we attempt to prevent them from doing so. It should provoke an interesting debate.

  Crisp Fact: Only one country has ever used nuclear weapons in combat.

  If nuclear weapons come up, the fact that nations have shown sense about their deployment should always be acknowledged before delving into a discourse about the dangers of proliferation and terrorism.

  Pivot: Ask “Have you been to India?”

  Another solid travel pivot. India is somewhere people have had the most life-changing experience in or would like to go to—or will never visit. They will have a view on it, though.