Becoming Juliet

by Paula Marinaro

  Juliet drew her hand back as if it had been burned. The bakery box felt from lifeless fingers and smashed on the ground. Because there laying at her feet, was a three year old, front page picture of Lucy Brewster. The headline was one that Juliet had seen over and over again. It read… Wife of Killer, Victim or Accomplice?

  Juliet stumbled and almost lost her footing, when P.J. reached for her she put her hand up warding him off. He said something to her, but Juliet could not hear him over the sound of her own heart breaking. It was a clean jagged noise, like the crackling of ice. Juliet was afraid that when it stopped, she would fall straight through and drown.

  And then things got worse.

  Because there, lying in the middle of the table was Juliet’s wallet. The one that P.J. had told her had disappeared in the mud months ago. Lying next to it, in the dim shadows of the late afternoon sun, laid out for all to see, were all of the monsters in all of Juliet’s closets.

  “Juliet?” P.J. called out to her as she ran past him to grab the wallet off the table.

  She didn’t answer. She couldn’t do anything but try and grasp how this had happened. How could he have done this? Juliet felt the blood drain from her face, and her hands curve into tight fists.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Reno McCabe begin to rise from the table. Juliet turned and ran from him, from all of them. She ran as fast as she could to the truck but before she could get the keys in the ignition, P.J. pulled her out of the seat and held a struggling, screaming, kicking, biting, Juliet tight in his arms.

  “Stop it, Juliet. You’re gonna hurt yourself.” P.J. told her after a particularly vicious kick hit him in the shins.

  His arms were like iron bands around her while she spent out her rage. P.J. picked Juliet up and carried her to the back of the house and kicked open the door to the finished basement. Then still holding Juliet in his arms, he kicked it shut behind him. “I’m gonna let you go once you settle the hell down, but I swear to god Juliet, if you keep this shit up, I’m gonna grab a hold of you again.” It took a few more minutes before the rage had spent all her energy and P.J. felt Juliet slump in his arms.

  “Why?” She whispered as she pulled away from him. Her voice ragged with emotion; the fight gone out of her. What was left was an expression of infinite sadness, and that made P.J. feel much worse than her anger had. “Just tell me why.”

  “Babe, I’m not even sure what’s going on here.” P.J.’s big arms crossed against his chest, his back against the door, effectively trapping Juliet in.

  “You don’t know why my wallet was sitting on that table?” She narrowed her tear swollen eyes at him.

  “Alright. The wallet? That was me. I sent it to Jules. But I had just come back from the compound like two minutes before you showed up, he didn’t even have time to explain anything to me yet.”

  Juliet’s whole body went numb, and she sat down on the couch in defeat. “What I want to know is why, P.J.? Why was it so damn important to you to stick your nose in where it had no business going? It didn’t matter to you that I didn’t want that, that I didn’t want you to go prying into my past?” Juliet gave him a look filled with sorrow. “You tricked me.”

  “Goddamn it, Juliet, I didn’t trick you…”

  “You did! You lied to me and you tricked me.” Her face contorted in pain.

  “Baby, I didn’t.” P.J. pushed off the door and moved towards her.

  “Yes You. Did!” She cried as she moved away and jabbed the air with her tightly gripped wallet. “The first time you made love to me was the night you lied about finding this! I never, never, thought you would do this to me.”

  “Okay, so I had my uncle look into you.” P.J. admitted. “And I know that it looks bad from where you’re sitting, and I guess I’d be pissed too…”

  “You guess?” Juliet’s eyes went wide with angry incredulity.

  “It’s what we do, Juliet.” He told her. “Aside from wanting to get to know you, to protect you from whoever this asshole is that you’re running from …I am a Saint, baby, born and bred and no matter how much of a part of that I tried to leave behind, it’s who I am and where I come from. I won’t…I can’t…bring someone into my life when I don’t know everything there is about them. It’s just too damn risky. So, I waited. I waited and I watched, and I prayed to every damn god there is that you would trust me enough to come clean with me. But you didn’t. When I knew I was falling hard for you, I had to know. I had to know what you were hiding.” P.J. scrubbed a hard hand over his chin. “If that makes me an asshole, then I guess I am one. And if I’m gonna lose you now because of that, then maybe I deserve it. But if that’s where this is going, if that’s how it’s all gonna end with you leaving me, then I think…no, I know…I have the right to know why.”

  Juliet searched P.J.’s eyes. If there was any deception there, she couldn’t see it. “You don’t know? You really don’t know?”

  “No, there wasn’t enough time for Jules to explain.”

  “But he knows.”

  “Jules knows everybody’s secrets, and I am willing to bet my left nut that most of them are a hell of a lot worse than yours. As long as those secrets don’t hurt the club, he’ll take them to his grave. On my word, he’ll put everything through the shredder and we’ll never talk about it again.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Yeah, babe. Just like that. Jules did tell me that you weren’t in any danger from your asshole ex, and that he is not someone to pose a threat to the club, that’s as far as we got, before you came around that corner. So, it’s all good.” P.J. told her. Then added with all the sincerity of a guy head over heels. “I love you, Juliet. Do you love me, too?”

  She crossed his arms, glared at him, and said without hesitation. “No, I don’t,”

  “Hmm.” P.J. couldn’t help but let out a small grin because his woman had balls. “How about yesterday, did you love me then?”

  “Stop it. You’re making a mockery out of this. You hurt me, P.J. You lied to me.” She frowned deeply.

  “We just covered that, and I am not gonna spend the rest of my life apologizing for it. Answer the question, Juliet, do you love me?”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Let’s pretend that it is.”

  “Yes.” She sighed as if it caused her great misery to admit it. “I think I might.”

  P.J. wrapped his arms around Juliet; with reluctance she let him. When he drew her in closer, she rested her head against his chest. Now that the dust had begun to settle, and Juliet had the chance to think more rationally, she realized that she probably was not the only one in this situation who had been lied to. She was pretty sure that when P.J had first made his move; he didn’t think he was hitting on the ex-wife of a serial killer.

  “I know we need to talk about this.” She said softly. “I owe you an explanation, P.J. I know I do. But I’m afraid to tell you. I’m afraid that if I do, you will never look at me the same way again.”

  “Baby, you don’t owe me a damn thing.” He smoothed the top of her hair. “But if you want to tell me, I’ll listen. I think it will help you to get it all out. Then we can bury the past together and move on with our lives. But that’s up to you. You do whatever the hell you want, but I want you to know this… nothing you can ever say or do will change the way I look at you.”

  In answer, Juliet pulled away from him and sat down at the small table in the center of the room.

  Then Juliet let go of the death grip that she still had on the wallet. With shaking hands, Juliet pulled out the license and placed it between them onto the table. P.J. glanced at the name on the license, Lucy Brewster.

  “So, you know her?” P.J. asked.

  “I am her.” Juliet answered.

  P.J.’s added his cigarette stub to the pile already in the ashtray. Thank god, Juliet didn’t seem to mind the ring of smoke that had settled over the room like a heavy fog. Because P.J. honestly didn’t think he could have gotten through t
he last couple of hours without the bracing support of nicotine.

  Once she had started talking, Juliet had seemed determined to leave no stone unturned. She told P.J. everything about her past in honest, painstaking detail. She talked about her life at the college, her marriage to Kenny, the horrific murders, and the night she had found out that her husband was a serial killer. She talked about the investigation and the hours and hours of questioning that she had had to endure while the investigators pored over the most intimate parts of her life.

  Juliet’s voice broke when she talked about the trial and the way the faces of the families had contorted in sorrow as they had left the courthouse each day. The flashes of the cameras blinding them, while the reporters, displaying a blatant disregard for human decency, pushed microphones into their faces and followed them to their cars. Juliet’s tone was angry when she talked about her own experience of being relentlessly hounded by the press. And it was tear-filled when she talked about the night that she had decided to end her life.

  And then there was more…until finally, finally she was done.

  “It’s a lot to take in.” Juliet sat at the table ringing her hands.

  P.J. had tried hard and thankfully succeeded in keeping the shock out of his eyes as he listened to Juliet’s almost unbelievable story. In truth, he really had no idea what to say. He wanted to console Juliet, he wanted to make it all seem…inconsequential… to the life they would plan together. But the truth is that it was, and would always be, of consequence. No one could have gone through that kind of experience and not have trust issues.

  “P.J…I need to know what you’re thinking.” Juliet’s voice was hoarse and raw with emotion. “Like I said, I know it’s a lot, I guess what I need to know is, is it too much?”

  “For who?”

  “Jesus, P.J.” Juliet looked at him in exasperation, then she moved to get up from the table.

  P.J. grabbed Juliet by the hand. In order to comfort and relax her, and honestly, give himself a few more moments to think this through, P.J. settled her down on the couch. Then he pulled Juliet’s legs into his lap and began to gently massage the tension in her calves.

  “It is a lot.” P.J. agreed with careful thought. “What you just described to me is a real shitshow. And I have to admit, I never saw this one coming. I thought that I was gonna be dealing with a cowardly bastard who beat his wife. But this? I have to rethink how I’m gonna handle this.”

  “Handle what?” Juliet was stunned. “P.J. did you hear anything I just said?”

  “Every word.”

  Now it was Juliet’s turn to be surprised. Once she had decided to tell P.J. her strange and sad story, she had prepared herself for just about every outcome. In considering what his reaction might be, Juliet had envisioned everything from the best possible reaction to the worst. Best would be an impulsive and absurd marriage proposal born totally and completely out of pity, (which Juliet thought she might definitely consider taking P.J. up on) and the worst would be him walking out on her. But Juliet never thought there might be something in between. She hadn’t expected in a million years, never considered in her wildest of dreams, that after spilling her heart to him in graphic detail, that P.J. just wouldn’t get it.

  “P.J., it’s all been settled. The courts have sentenced him. There is nothing left to handle!”

  “Look, the club has guys on the inside in every major prison in the country, Juliet.” P.J.’s voice was firm. “From what you just told me, there’s no death penalty option in the states that Brewster was sentenced in. Being a relatively healthy young guy, that psycho can easily spend the rest of his natural life in prison. And I don’t want you to spend the rest of yours in a world where that motherfucker still exists.”

  “So, what then? You’re gonna have him killed in prison?” Juliet looked at P.J. with incredulity. She fully realized for the first time exactly what kind of world P.J. had come from. His love for her was clear, but his moral compass was definitely a little murky.

  “It’s an option, that’s all I’m saying.” P.J. said matter of fact, as his fingers continued to work their magic on the tight knots in Juliet’s leg muscles.

  Juliet continue to stare at P.J. in stunned silence until he finally gave her a wry grin.

  “Okay. Alright. So, no killing the killer.”

  “Were you just messing with me right now? How can you possibly think this is time for joking?”

  “Can you think of a better time? And for the record, I was only half kidding. Because you say the word, you don’t feel safe with that motherfucker still alive, I will have him killed in a New York minute.” P.J. held her eyes with his. “But the truth is, I’ve had enough of death to last a lifetime, Juliet. I guess we’re alike that way. But I promise you this, as long as you live in this world, with or without me, I will make sure you are always safe.”

  “With or without you?”

  “Yeah, I mean I hope to hell that you decide it’s with me, but I know I ain’t exactly Prince Charming. Maybe I didn’t ride in on a white horse or carry a glass slipper, but if you let me, I’ll turn the rest of your life into a goddamn fairy tale.” He told her. The love evident in his tone, in his eyes.

  “Do you really think we can do this? Leave the past behind and build our own Happily Ever After?”

  “Hell yeah, I don’t just think we can, Juliet. I know we can.” He promised her. “But first I’m gonna have to give you the respect that your share deserves. You should know that I have blood on my hands, Juliet, and not just a little.”

  “I know the kind of man you are. You are a good, good man, P.J. McCabe” Juliet put her hand on his hard chest over the place where his heart beat. “And if I had any doubt about where you come from? That ended the moment that I came here, to your childhood home, and found it surrounded by security cameras and high voltage fences.”

  “I’m storing guns for the club.” P.J. blurted out. “You should know that.”

  “You’re what?”

  “Back in Maine.” P.J. went on. “I transport and store illegal weapons in my gun shop. Now it looks like that could be dangerous.”

  “Now it looks like that could be dangerous?” Juliet twisted her legs off the couch and put both feet on the floor.

  “Yeah.” P.J. told her. “We’ve usually got this kind of thing covered. We’ve got a pain in the ass senator who’s been in our pocket for years, and is now making threats to become an even bigger pain in the ass than he already is. The Colombian cartel is at our back door, and that’s not gonna end well. Jet, the standing president of the club, for some reason thinks he has an obligation to keep knocking his woman up. His wife, Willow, is a bigger pain in the ass than the cartel and senator combined.”

  “And you are telling me all this because?”

  “Because, as my woman, you have a right to know all there is to know about the shitshow you are gonna be stepping in to. I’m needed back here, Juliet. My family needs me home, my club needs to know I got their back. And I want you with me.”

  “Can I think about it?”

  “Babe. You are acting as if it were a question.”

  “And it isn’t?

  “No. It’s a done deal. You’re coming with me. You need me, Juliet, and I need you. What I just gave you right there, was some information.”

  “Oh, okay, then. So, we’re getting married?” Juliet decided that she liked that idea. A lot.

  P.J. looked at her with an expression of surprise.

  “I…uh…uh… I never thought about…I mean…uh… married?” P.J. stammered out. “I guess. I mean…I just never thought of myself as that guy. But yeah…”

  “Then I accept!” Juliet smiled wide as she threw her arms around P.J.

  An hour later, they lay on the floor tangled in each other’s arms, their clothes strewn all over the carpet. Juliet and P.J. stared up at the ceiling. It sounded as though hundreds of footsteps were moving through the rooms; the sound of chairs scraping across the floor, doors op
ening and closing The joyful noise of children playing, people shouting, and laughter filled the air.

  “Show’s about to start. The family wants to meet you.” P.J. gave her a quick kiss before getting up and gathering their clothes from the floor.

  Juliet stood up and began pulling on her panties. “Awkward.”

  “What?”

  “Really? I have to say it?”

  “Oh, that whole deal that just happened out in the yard? Like I said, Jules got the information I asked him to get. And he looked for something in that info that would hurt the club. That’s all he cares about, and that’s all his stake in this was. Trust me, he’s already forgotten.”

  “And the rest of your family?”

  “No one is gonna know shit unless you tell them. I just explained all that to you.”

  “But your dad knows. And he’s going to tell your mother.”

  “Oh, yeah. Those two paragons of virtue.” P.J. let out a small chuckle.

  “P.J. don’t laugh. I wanted to make a good impression.” Juliet frowned as she finished getting dressed. “Bad enough we’ve obviously been down here having sex in their basement, but the other stuff…you know.”

  “Okay.” P.J. looked up from where he was tying his boots. “If it makes you feel better, when my mom was about your age, she killed a guy with a hammer hit to the head. That was just after her sister, my Aunt Raine, speared his balls together with a nail gun. Trust me Juliet, you’re gonna fit right in.”

  Juliet spent the rest of the week getting to know P.J.’s tribe. It was something she found thoroughly enjoyable. Claire McCabe accepted her into the family with open arms and seemed to genuinely like Juliet. Juliet thought that it had helped enormously that P.J. had announced his plans to return to the fold and bring Juliet with him. The family was overjoyed and for some reason seemed to give Juliet the credit for what they considered a very wise decision. Even though Juliet knew P.J.’s mother to be in her early fifties, she had a youthful appearance. Claire was petite, fresh faced and had freckles that danced across her nose like little stars. She had a great laugh and kind eyes. Claire McCabe was not at all what Juliet had expected.