by J. S Ellis
‘Does he suspect?’ Michael asked.
I never saw him like this. ‘He’s too buried in his work.’
He turned his face away, and I gently placed my hand on his cheek and made him look at me. I kissed him on the lips. He grabbed my hand to stop me from going. He looked like an angel, romantic, but dangerous. God, I could leave it all for him, abandon everything I own, Richard, my whole life. Michael is worth the risk. I would like to plant a bomb into my life and watch it explode, all for him. Feverish is this desire, a disaster waiting to happen.
26th May
Evening,
Diary,
Just got another of those damn letters but this time it wasn’t just a nasty remark, but puzzling, and serious. I’ve read it over and over to make sure it’s not my imagination.
Use your head, Sophie, what do you really know about him?
Him. Who’s him? Michael? This person knows about my affair? Is it his friends? I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I marched up the street clutching the letter. The voices and noises in the street merged around me, and my heart hammered against my chest. As I turned the corner into Evelyne’s street and stared up at the red block building, I felt someone push me, or maybe I lost my footing, I don’t know, but I stumbled into the middle of the road. A car was approaching and blasted its horn.
The driver poked his head out of the window.
‘Are you fucking insane! I nearly killed you, get off the fucking road,’ he screamed, his face going purple.
Heads turned. I didn’t want a scene. I stepped aside as the Range Rover speeded away. I placed a hand on my chest and steadied my breath. People went on with their business, too wrapped up in their bubbles to care. The note wasn’t in my hand anymore.
I frantically searched the ground, I must have dropped it with the shock of seeing the Range Rover coming my way. My eyes darted across the street, and there was Sam, leaning against a pole, inhaling cigarette smoke. I hurried my pace, bumping into someone. I caught Sam grinning at me.
Did Sam push me? I’m not sure, it happened so fast, I can’t make any accusations without knowing.
.
27th May
Evening,
Diary,
I didn’t mention anything to Michael, about the notes, the car, or Sam lingering in the street. Why I should tell him when all I get is half answers, uncertainty, and lies. For the first time, I’m starting to believe I’m in danger. Someone wants to hurt me. I should go to the police, I must! Nobody would conjecture a drunk. I’m being punished for all the wrong I’m doing. I’m a bad person. I’m trying to recall when I was last a good person, and I can’t.
Comic books and clothes were spread across the floor, and there was a large cupboard box full of LPs in the corner. The flat screamed at me to get out of here you are too old for this. I didn’t get out. The more, I know I can’t have him, that he can never be mine, the more I desire him. He was on the floor, wearing the red teddy jacket and a top hat, smoking a joint and reading from a back of an old book. Tom Tom Club - Genius of Love was on. I remember my mother playing this song, and dancing and singing along with it. She used to make me dance with her. We were so happy back then. She would spin me around, and I’d squeal with laughter and such happiness! Such joy! I want those years back. The years of innocence when a kiss wasn’t a prologue to sex. I miss the simplicity.
‘The other night, you said you used to be such a different girl to the person you are now. What did you mean by it?’ Michael asked, pressing his body against mine.
‘When you’re young, you don’t think of the consequences, or about responsibilities.’
‘Were you wild?’
‘No, I was lost, I got bullied a lot.’
‘Why?’
‘Because of my wide face.’
‘I think it’s perfect, for me at least,’ he said.
‘That’s sweet... I got a mix of grades, a few A’s, B’s, and a few C’s. My mum didn’t want to hear of a C in anything, but I was good at maths. I also did my ACCA, a tedious course, and then I met Richard.’
‘Where did you meet him?’
‘At a friend’s dinner party.’
‘Did you like him right away?’
‘Why do you want to know?’
‘I’m interested.’
‘He thought I was a pretty little thing and fussed on the way I looked. It made me feel good. I liked him because I could have a decent conversation with him about finance and politics. But as he’s older than me, his knowledge is a lot broader than mine. We have struggled with the age gap, at times, like when I’d say to Richard I’m going out clubbing with the girls, he doesn’t like it...’ I paused, ‘are you sure you want to hear about this?’
‘I enjoy listening.’
‘Richard is a sort of man who wants to do the right thing, he doesn’t tolerate any form of scandal. He has a high-powered job that carries responsibilities so, he expects me to meet them. He didn’t want me to go to clubs. I couldn’t see why he wanted to prevent me from having harmless fun, I was twenty-four after all. So one time, I went out behind his back. He found out and accused me of being rebellious. He knew the risk of having a relationship with someone that young.’
‘Was he married before?’
‘No, but he was engaged to a woman named Penny.’
‘What happened to her?’
‘She died of breast cancer, so Richard withheld himself from getting attached until he met me. I must have left an impression on him or something.’
‘Did you have other men before him?’
‘I had a relationship for three years when I was your age. I’ve always been that kind of girl...’
‘What kind of girl?’
‘The relationship kind. After I broke from my ex-boyfriend. I went out, partied, and dated.’
‘Did you like it?’
‘What?’
‘Dating?’
‘... No... then I met Richard, and he dragged me away from all of that, caveman style.’
‘He’s boring.’
‘He’s not boring, he’s an intelligent man. I felt safe around him. Protected.’
‘You realize, you’re referring to him in past tense?’
‘Am I?’
‘Like he’s no longer part of your life.’
I stroked his cheek. ‘I don’t mean it that way.’
‘Have you ever pictured what your life would be like without him?’
‘No...’
‘So despite everything, you love him?’
This was a difficult question to answer. I didn’t want to explain my feelings for my husband to my lover, it felt wrong and unfair
He sat up. ‘You don’t have to answer.’
I pulled him to me and kissed him hard on the lips. Can I leave it all? It’s despicable to consider it. Sophie Knight, wife of Richard Knight, files for a divorce to be with her much younger lover. She was having an affair apparently with a musician, can you imagine? That would give Richard’s friends something to gossip about, to add a bit of excitement in their miserable lives. They would throw a dinner party to celebrate, I’m sure. Richard, defeated, would hide because he wouldn’t be able to put up with the scandal. I try to fantasize about a life with Michael, but to my dismay, all I see is a fog and blackness.
‘My parents are divorced,’ he said
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
‘It was a mess...’
‘Do you remember it?’
‘Only a little, only what my mum has told me.’
‘What do your parents do?’
‘My mum’s a seamstress. My dad’s a TV presenter in Sweden. What about yours?’
‘My mum was a dancer back in her day. My dad is a telecommunications director. Any brothers or sisters?’
‘Two brothers. I’m the eldest, you?’
‘I’m an only child. Your brothers are in Sweden?’
‘Yes.’
‘I miss my mother.’
&n
bsp; ‘Why? Don’t you speak often?’
I shake my head. ‘We fell out when I started dating Richard.’
‘Why?’
‘Oh, she couldn’t understand why I’d marry someone almost twenty years my senior. She wanted me to be with someone my own age. It was strange because mums are usually thrilled when daughters marry into success. Not my mother, though. She didn’t like him, and thought he was an uptight snob.’
‘You still married him despite your mother’s disapproval.’
‘I love him what can I say.’
Silence.
‘The last time, I saw her, was at Christmas...’ I trail off as I thought of my mom. How happy we were, how close we were. I could talk to her about anything. When I got my heart broken for the first time, I was sixteen. Harry was his name. I went to school with him. It was an innocent relationship, no sex, just kissing and snuggles. I loved how it felt, the first touch, the first glance; everything was new exciting and magical. He dumped me because he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I went home crying. My mom made me popcorn and put on my favorite movie My Fair Lady.
‘Do you speak to your parents?’ I asked him, snapping myself back to the present.
‘Yes, mum begs me to come home every day,’ he replied. I smiled. ‘What about your father, do you speak to him?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘He didn’t approve either.’
I laid flat on the bed, Michael lifted the sheet. ‘I’m all red and sore look what you did to me.’
‘You’re sore? You have some nerve.’
‘Have you thought of leaving him?’
I stared at him shocked. ‘Leave him, why?’
‘You lost so much to be with him, no wonder why you drink.’
‘Are you suggesting I should leave Richard for you?’
‘Leave him because you want to, not for someone,’ he said coldly.
I jumped off the bed, reached for my underwear, and put them on.
‘What?’ he said.
‘Nothing.’
‘You are upset about something.’
‘You are such a ridiculous boy.’
‘Why?’
I put on my blouse. ‘Because in two years I’ll be forty and you’ll be twenty-four. You remain young, while I get older, have you considered that? Given your fantastic looks, it obvious, you will trade me for someone younger and prettier because nobody wants to fuck grandma’s cunt!’ I shouted.
‘You think, I want you only for your body?’
‘We’re having a sexual relationship, of course you do.’
He kept staring at me disapprovingly.
‘Don’t you?’
‘No, I don’t see you as an object, but a woman that should be owned.’
I sighed. ‘You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.’ I put on my trousers, ‘I should be going.’
‘Come on Sophie, why don’t you spend the night?’
‘What?’
‘Nothing is waiting for you at that apartment.’ He took my hand, ‘don’t be mad, stay with me.’
‘Not today.’
‘When?’
‘I don’t know.’
I traveled back home by tube and thought about the conversation with Michael. I can’t believe what I’m telling Michael, things I haven’t said to anyone. He’s become more than a lover, he’s also a friend. It’s dangerous to expose myself like this. Giving him weapons to use, to seduce me into leaving my husband. Can I leave the life I’ve built with Richard? Watch my marriage and my reputation crumble? It’s better Michael doesn’t know some things. I won’t mention the miscarriages, or about not being able to have children. Michael never asked anything regarding the subject. I’m glad he hasn’t. Sometimes, I worry he could get me pregnant.
I opened my bag and hunted for my key. My muscles tensed. I’m a woman of habit and always place the key in the left pocket of my bag. My key was in the right pocket, but I’m sure I put it on the left! I froze as I noticed Sam walking over to me, dressed in odd scraps of clothing, a leopard-skin jacket, a red shirt, leather trousers, and a hat. He ambled past me and stared straight at me. We said nothing, but it totally freaked me out! Twice in one week, creeping through the neighborhood. What does he want? I won’t believe the gibberish Andy and Michael said to me. If I got into a fight with his non-existent girlfriend, then why did they wait so long to tell me? Anyone can get into a drunken argument, it’s not a taboo.
There’s more, and Sam has something to do with it. They are protecting him as friends do. Did he beat me? Attack me? I shudder to think what might have happened.
I ended up watching football on TV tonight. Well actually, I just stared at the screen. I’m not a football fan. I’ve never understood the concept of ridiculously paid players running after a ball, while we ordinary folks struggle with debt, loans, and mortgages. I poured myself a glass of gin and tonic, then changed my mind and threw it in the sink.
29th May
Evening,
Diary,
I’m considering changing the locks, I’m so paranoid. I jump at every sound. For the first time in my life, I’m frightened of being alone. I can’t wait for Richard to come home. Somebody’s watching me, who knows I’m alone.
When Richard comes back, I’m going to try to find the right time to bring up the subject about us moving. I want a fresh start. He’ll find it puzzling, I know he’ll say, ‘Why now after eleven years?’ I want to move out of the city. I’m afraid of living in this apartment. I’m scared to look out of the window, to see Sam lingering on the pavement, looking up at my window. It took more than a dance and a fight to make a man behave so strangely.
3rd June
Afternoon,
Diary,
I haven’t had time to write in my diary for ages, but this is what’s happened...
Was in the apartment on Thursday night. I felt more alone than I’ve ever been.
It was about 9:45pm. I made a cup of coffee and was just contemplating the lack of food in the fridge. I almost jumped out of my skin, when I heard a doorknob rattling. I turned around to see the knob of the front door turning. I covered my mouth with my hands to prevent myself from screaming and froze. I held my breath, afraid that whoever out there would hear it. I scanned the room for a weapon to protect myself. The world is full of weapons. I tiptoed to the kitchen as my heart beat like crazy. I grabbed the butcher’s knife, and stood beside the door with my back to the wall for a short while, terrified. The rattling stopped. I don't know how I managed to summon the courage, but finally, I unlocked the door and went into the corridor. My neighbor Mr. Smith and his little girl, Lisa, stood at their front door, he seemed to be having trouble finding his key.
‘Good evening,’ he said.
‘Good evening,’ I replied.
The little girl waved at me, and I waved back. As I was about the shut the door, the little girl said, ‘You have a letter on the floor.’
I smiled at her, and picked it up, locking the door behind me. I tore the letter open.
Sophie,
You’re playing a dangerous game.
By this time, I was shaking all over. I just stared at the words until they blurred. My breath came out in ragged gasps, as I watched raindrops burst against the windows.
What does the note mean? Does someone know about the affair? Is it a warning to stop all the questioning, because the truth is terrible and incriminating? Who delivered the letter and why were they trying to get into the apartment? I felt like I was losing the plot. I broke down at the kitchen table. I couldn’t take it anymore. I dialed the police. I wanted to be sick.
‘Someone tried to break into my apartment,’ I exclaimed.
‘Is anything stolen?’
‘No, they didn’t actually break in, but they tried to.’
‘Is this a police matter?’
It was a total waste of time. The police don’t take matters like this seriously unless you end up dead in a ditch somewhere! The discussion went
on for a few minutes, and then she finally said she’d send somebody round.
I chained smoked, went around every window, making sure they were locked - as if someone was going to scale six floors in Notting Hill. I didn’t switch on the TV or music. I wanted to hear everything. An hour later, the bell rang, I went to the intercom. Two-uniformed police officers stood on the pavement. I buzzed them in, and they came up to the apartment. They greeted me and took off their caps. I showed them the letter, and one of the officers stepped forward to read it.
‘Have you had other letters like these before?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Do you have them?’
I excused myself and went to get the only other note I’ve kept.
‘I’ve had others, but I threw them away. I thought it was just a prank a first.’
‘How many?’
‘I don’t remember, maybe five or six.’
‘Have you any idea who they could be from?’
I shook my head. ‘Well-‘
‘You say someone tried to get in?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can you describe what happened?’
‘Yes, the doorknob was turned, repetitively?’
‘Yes.’
I wanted to mention the key being misplaced, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to complicate things. He rambled to the door, checked, and sighed as if he was doing something trivial.
The other officer turned to me, and said, ‘Can you think of anybody who might send you this? An old friend, a co-worker, somebody who knows you, that sort of thing?’
I took a deep breath. ‘Knows me?’
‘Anyone with a grudge, or any practical jokers, who might do this for a laugh?’
‘A laugh?’
‘Some people have a twisted sense of humor,’ he paused, ‘whoever sent you this note, didn’t commit a crime. There’s no sign of forced entry.’
I couldn’t believe it. They nodded at each other and put on their caps. One of the officers turned to me and said, ‘If something serious happens, then call us.’ He really stressed the word serious.
Yeah, when I end up, mugged, raped or dead, I’ll call, I was tempted to say, but I bit my tongue.
They turned to go.
‘Wait, aren’t you going to take the letters with you?’