by J. S Ellis
‘Keep them. Put them in a drawer somewhere safe.’
‘Aren’t you going to take a statement?’
‘If you’re in any more trouble, we will do that. All right? Now get some sleep, we have work to do.’
Once they left, I gawped through the window and watched as their car pulled away. I couldn’t stay in the apartment alone, so I gathered some belongings, mainly toiletries and a change of clothing, and packed them into my oversized work bag.
I cautiously opened the front door and scurried out like a criminal escaping a crime scene. Everyone I walked past felt like a threat. My heart pumped furiously against my chest. I’ve been scared before but never like that.
I hailed a taxi and gave the driver the address that now has become too associated with my life.
I called Michael from the taxi, but he didn’t pick up. Arrived at his apartment, and I told the driver to wait just in case Michael wasn’t there, and he wasn’t. So I got the taxi driver to take me back to Notting Hill, to the club, hoping he was there.
The club wasn’t busy. I spotted Michael at the bar, so I went over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. He turned around. OMG, it wasn’t him! I felt so embarrassed and removed my hand. He looked like him so much from the back, same body type, tall, lean, same hair color, and length. He flashed his green eyes at me. He really did look like Michael, or like it could he be one of his brothers.
‘I’m sorry, I mistook you for someone else,’ I said.
‘No problem,’ the young man said.
Michael appeared, ‘Sophie! What are you doing here?’
The man stood between us, his eyes went from me to Michael, ‘I tried to call you.’ I said in a shaky voice.
‘I’ve not got my phone on me.’
‘Oh,’ I said, feeling uncomfortable standing in between the two of them.
‘This is my friend Matti, he’s passing through from Sweden.’
‘Hello,’ I said to Matti.
He gave me a friendly smile, ‘Hi,’
‘This is my friend, Sophie,’ Michael added.
The resemblance was unmistakable. If it weren’t for the eyes, you’d think this is the same person. I stared at the tall, beautiful blonds, ‘I’m sorry, but are you two related?’
They looked at each other. ‘No,’ Michael said.
‘We’re old friends,’ Matti said.
‘I see... would either of you like a drink?’ I said.
‘No, thanks,’ they both chimed at the same time.
I ordered a double whiskey on the rocks. ‘So how long have you two known each other?’ Matti asked.
‘A while,’ Michael replied.
My hands were trembling so much I could hardly hold the glass. Michael noticed.
‘So you’re staying?’ I asked Matti. I couldn’t get over it. They had to be related.
‘No, I’m heading to New York,’ Matti said.
‘How exciting.’
I rubbed my sweaty hand against my jeans, and reached for the glass. This time my hand had more control.
‘Matti plays guitar, he’s going to play with a band there,’ Michael said.
‘Ah.’ I took a sip from my whiskey.
Michael frowned at me. I knew what he was thinking.
‘Anyway, I should be going,’ Matti said.
‘I’m not intruding, am I?’
‘Not at all, I was going anyway,’ Matti said, ‘It was a pleasure meeting you.’ He offered me his hand, and we shook hands and, Michael watched in an observing manner, ‘you’re beautiful’ he continued.
I blushed. ‘Oh... thank you.’
Matti glanced at Michael. ‘Take care of this one, he’s special. I want him to be happy.’
I raised my eyebrow at Michael, what was that supposed to mean? After Matti left, I grabbed Michael’s hand in desperation. ‘I need to talk to you.’
‘I figured you wouldn’t come unannounced if you didn’t,’ he scolded.
‘Can we go somewhere private?’
‘What is it?’
‘I’m scared, strange things have been happening.’
‘Like what things?’ he said impatiently.
I slouched on an empty stool, and he came closer. ‘I think someone is following me,’ I told him.
‘Why would someone want to follow you?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know!’
Michael studied my face. ‘Have you been drinking?’
‘I’m not drunk!’ I said defensively.
‘I’m only saying because I care,’ he said, looking at me tenderly.
I sat at the bar and watched him play. I ordered another drink, and my tension started to ease. After he finished playing his solo, he pointed at me and dedicated the piece of music to me. What a sweet gesture! I have never had a musician dedicate a song to me before.
After he finished his set, we left the club together.
‘So what’s been going on?
‘Oh god, I-’
‘Are you all right?’
Tears fell down my cheeks. He dropped his saxophone case on the pavement and wrapped his arms around me. I cried on his chest for a while, and he wiped away my tears with his thumb.
‘Can I stay with you for the weekend?’
‘Do you have to ask?’
Once inside his flat, he led me to the sofa. ‘Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?’ he insisted.
‘Can I get a drink, first?’
‘No, you will not get a fucking drink,’ he barked.
I began to cry, his blue eyes penetrating mine. He placed his hand on my shoulders. ‘You need to stop drinking. You’re all over the place.’
‘I don’t need any lectures especially from a twenty-two-year-old!’ I snapped.
‘Fine, have it your way.’
‘Someone tried to get into my apartment I think,’ I said.
Michael stared at me with apparent seriousness. ‘What! What do you mean someone tried to get in?’
He started pacing up and down the room. ‘Did you call the police?’
‘Yes.’
‘And?’
‘They didn’t do anything, as there was no sign of forced entry.’
‘For fuck’s sake!’ he yelled.
I kept staring at him. ‘Were you... ’
He gazed down at me, looking angry. ‘Was I what?’
‘Never mind...’
He sat beside me and consoled me. ‘I’m scared.’
‘It’s okay, you’re safe now, don’t go back there,’ he said.
‘Thank you.’
Woke up dull-headed, and not sure where I was, and then it all came flooding back to me. Michael greeted me with a mug of coffee and said good morning. Waking up in this flat and seeing him first thing felt strange. I didn’t belong in there. How ridiculous the whole thing was. He sat on the bed and watched me, I removed the sheet from my body, picked up my underwear and t-shirt from the floor, and put them on, eager to cover my nakedness from him.
‘I have nothing to wear,’ I announced.
He blinked at me as if I said something out of the ordinary, ‘What for?’ he asked.
‘To work, Mike, I need clothes for work. I forgot to pack something... proper.’
‘Why?’ he asked.
‘I have to go to work.’ I reasoned with him, ‘I can’t stay in bed all day.’
‘Why can’t you?’ he argued.
‘I must go to work.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I have duties and responsibilities.’
He frowned.
‘Oh fuck it,’ I said, looking around the room searching for my bag, ‘where is my phone?’
‘What for?’
‘I’m going to call them.’ I knew the firm would manage without me for one day, after all, they didn’t fall apart when Charles forced me to take leave.
I found my phone, but the battery was dead.
‘Can I use your phone?’
He handed me a cordless phone.
‘There,’ I said after I hung up.
He suggested we go out for lunch. I was skeptical about it, but I agreed, anyway. I couldn’t stay in bed with him all day. He took me to a restaurant.
‘What are we doing here?’ I asked him.
He gave me the most innocent look. ‘What does it look like we’re doing? We’re having lunch.’
Inside the restaurant, I scanned the place to see if there was anyone familiar. Richard knows many people, and many people know who I am, even though I don’t know them. I kept imagining Richard walking in any minute, even though he’s not the kind of man who would come to Camden for a bite to eat. Anyway, he’s in New York. Acid rose up to my stomach, and my skin prickled when I pictured a colleague or Charles walking in, but I was safe. I hid behind the menu and studied it, unable to decide. A cold hand slid inside the back of my trousers and felt my bottom. I jumped, and my knees hit the table. A knife fell on the floor, and a few patrons glanced over at us. Michael laughed.
‘Don’t do that!’ I hissed at him.
‘Come on, loosen up,’ he said.
‘No public display of affection, I’m not your girlfriend.’
‘You know what your problem is?’ Michael said.
I studied the menu. ‘What!’
‘You want it all, the guy you screw, me, and him, the guy you go home to.’
I closed the menu and placed it on the table. ‘All said is I don’t want public display of affection. We’re having lunch but for god’s sake, don’t start a fight.’
‘I’m not, I’m saying it how it is.’
The waiter came over to our table. I’ve never had been so happy to see a waiter in my life! Before he opened his mouth, I started to give him my order, ‘Ah yes, a bottle of Merlot, please.’
He shot me a stern glance. He ordered a bottle of water and a glass of orange juice.
‘Merlot, seriously?’ Michael said after the waiter left, ‘you need help.’
‘Oh come on, relax, I need a drink.’
He searched my face in silence. ‘I’m going to drag you to rehab myself if necessary.’
‘Oh stop it! You sound like my husband, why not join forces you two?’
He was not happy with this remark. ‘You’re comparing me to him, now?’
‘I don’t want another husband, I have one already. Order for me, will you? I can’t decide,’ I said.
He shook his head in disbelief. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’
The waiter arrived with our drinks. He opened the wine and asked me if I liked to try it. I told him to pour it in. As I took a sip, the wine began to speak to me. By no means am I’m a wine connoisseur, but I just love to drink it, gallons of it. Michael shook his head at me and watched me with a careful eye.
‘I can’t do this anymore, sleeping with two people at the same time.’ I brushed my hair away, ‘too many strange things are happening too.’
Michael glared at me, assuming I was going to dump him. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know.’
I felt panic wash over me, and gulped on my wine. His annoyance vibrated between us.
‘Are you going to leave him?’ he asked.
‘Hmm...’ I murmured, draining the glass.
He looked away in distaste. ‘Jesus.’
‘You can’t come back into my life, and expect me to fuck it all up,’ I said.
He returned his gaze to me. ‘Two people are doing the fucking here!’
I scanned the restaurant. There was a woman with her dog, which sat on the chair like a patron while she ate her salad.
He placed his hand on mine. ‘I’m sorry, I got carried away. Forgive me.’
Throughout lunch, we talked about random, unimportant stuff. Michael shared the wine with me, and after the waiter cleared the plates away, we ordered a second bottle. I was relaxed for once.
We wobbled back to the flat. His neighbor was playing pop songs, again. Michael fiddled with his pockets and dropped his keys on the floor. Both of us went to pick them up and bumped our heads. I laid flat on the dusty floor, laughing. Michael leaned over to check I was ok and picked me up from the floor. I laughed so much my stomach hurt. Once inside his flat, I pulled him against the wall.
‘You have to be one of the most beautiful men I ever been with.’
‘You’re pretty drunk, you know that?’ he said.
‘I’m fine,’ I said, biting his bottom lip.
And I was drunk. I felt light-headed, and my cheeks were burning. I don’t remember what gibberish I said to him, but I pushed him onto the sofa and climbed on top of him. I took off my top, then ripped off his shirt, and ran my hands over his chest.
‘Such a fox, hot, hot, hot. I’d leave it all for you.’
Looking back, I wince with humiliation at the things that come out of my mouth when I’m in his presence. I need to discipline myself.
I noted a metallic taste in my mouth, and the reality of what my life with Michael would be like if I left Richard to be with him. Lunches, arguing about things, getting drunk, and having intense sex. Is this what I’m considering leaving my life for? Is it worth the risk? Is it enough? It’s silly, it’s not real. It’s a fantasy, an illusion. Nothing but carnal lust. At least, I could be honest with him. I don’t have to be ashamed, because he knows who I am. This realization brought despair, but I didn’t cry, not in front of him. I could display my shame, but not my vulnerability.
We didn’t do much for the rest of the evening, I rested my head on his lap, and we watched the telly while I smoked. Later, we rolled a joint, than munchies kicked in. I felt young again. We devoured what we could find, even each other.
On Saturday, we went to St Martin’s Park. I watched a mom pushing a buggy. She sat down on a bench and held her baby, and I thought to myself, what I’d give to be in her place.
‘Do you want children?’ I asked him.
‘Not really.’
‘Why?’
He frowned. ‘I don’t think I’m good with kids.’
‘Oh...’ I replied. I leaned my head on his shoulder, ‘has it ever been like this for you?’
‘What?’
‘Had you ever felt anything like this?’ I asked.
‘No, what about you?’
‘No.’
‘Are you scared?’ he asked.
I ran my hand through my hair. ‘It dies down, everything does.’
‘How I feel about you would never die down,’ he said.
At the weekend, my feelings became more intense, alarmed, and frightened. What if I did something stupid, like confess everything to Richard when I was drunk? When will the strangeness stop - the notes, Sam creeping about my neighborhood, someone trying to break into my apartment? I thought about the apartment, and how lonely it must be. Did the neighbors notice I wasn’t there? I thought of going there to check on things but couldn’t face it.
On Sunday, we stayed in. Michael had to work that evening and insisted I go with him. The subject came up again of Richard and my marriage. Frankly, his jealousy is becoming annoying and boring, but it terrifies me, what will stop him from going straight to Richard? I don’t think he would do it in person, but there are many ways for the affair to come out in the open.
He was sitting on the sofa with his legs across, dressed in black trousers, and a sleeveless top.
Michael is mature for his age, but it’s beginning to show how unreasonable, immature, and how difficult he is to manage. The truth is, people are unmanageable, unreliable, and unpredictable. I’ve seen it enough in my job.
‘Oh what the hell...’ he said, ‘you did it with me, what makes me think you won’t do it again with someone else?’
‘Hey! Don’t sit all pretty, as if you’re blameless, you were with me when it happened, you’re not innocent.’
It hurts me that he assumes I’d cheat on him too. If I do leave Richard for him, it won’t last, he’s too young to carry such a burden. Maybe he wants to brag about it, and stroke his own e
go... I am so irresistible that a wife would leave her husband for me. Until the guilt gets the better of him.
‘I know, but I don’t want to have to guess when you’re coming to see me again,’ he said.
‘We can end it right now. It’s the logical thing to do,’ I said.
He gave me a sad look, ‘why?’
I lifted my hand to show him my wedding ring. ‘Because of this. It would be hard at first, but you’re so young, you’ll forget me. I won’t, but time makes things better. We can still be friends, we can still see each other, but not in this fashion.’
What was I saying? If I see him, I’d be in his bed, so fast it would make my head spin! The best way to do this is to be brutal, cut all ties, and never see him again.
‘I don’t want to be your friend,’ he said crossly, like a child whose mum refused to buy him candy.
‘And you think we can go on like this for ten, twenty years without getting caught?’
‘I don’t know what to think anymore.’
I shook my head and paced up and down. There was a grimace on his face. I didn’t like the way he looked at me one bit. I lit a cigarette and sunk into the chair. I am in love and a drowning woman. I have been with Richard for so long, I grew up with him, he taught me so much. Never pictured my life without him. Just thinking about it kills me, but I did lose a lot for him. I don’t speak to my parents, can’t have children with him, and I still have time for a baby. I got up from the chair and took my mobile out of my bag. Michael’s eyes widened.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked, alarmed.
‘I’m going to call Richard.’
He got up from the sofa. ‘And tell him what? You are going to leave him for me while he’s in New York!’
‘Are we going to do this? No more meetings in this apartment, no hiding, you and me together in broad daylight. If I do tell him when he gets back, are you going to be there for me?’ I asked.
He dropped his eyes to the floor. ‘I need more time,’ he said.
‘Fine... then stop with the jealousy, it’s irritating, I told you from the start, I am married. You knew what you were getting yourself into.’
While he was preparing for his gig, I went to check the apartment. I took the mail up. No suspicious notes. I opened the door, the lights were on. I stood by the door, staring at my key. I swore I’d switched off the lights when I left. Or did I? I left in such a rush and in a panic, I might have forgotten to switch them off. I shut the door behind me. I placed Richard’s mail on his desk and inspected each room. Everything seemed fine. I made a note of the ingredients to restock our empty fridge.