by J. S Ellis
‘I can’t talk right now,’ I said, as I attempted to walk past him.
He rammed me against the wall. ‘Not until you tell me when you’re coming to see me.’
‘I can’t come when it’s convenient for you.’
‘Yes, you can, you have to.’
‘It’s not possible, you know that!’
‘I have been patient long enough. You’re married, it’s your problem, not mine, find the time.’
Richard was still not back when I arrived home, so I soaked in the bath for a while, trying to relax. What a mess! What giant pile of mess! How selfish Michael had become. What a big mistake. What was I thinking? The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is turning into one of my biggest regrets. I wondered if he wants me to get caught. This thought fills me with despair.
When Richard arrived home, he was coughing, again!
‘Sophie!’ He called.
‘I’m here!’ I shouted, stepping out of the bath and drying myself.
Richard barged into the bathroom. ‘You’re not dressed, yet?’
‘I don’t have a bath with my clothes on, Richard,’ I said.
‘You forgot didn’t you?’ I ignored him. He sighed checking his wristwatch, ‘we have to be at the Ritz in an hour.’
Richard and his events, they’re the last thing on my mind right now.
24th June
Afternoon
Diary,
Richard’s cough has eased a little, but his skin looks yellow. He also keeps breaking out in a sweat, and there are tiny red dots on his neck. What’s the matter with him? Why is he playing with his health? Doesn’t he care anymore? Does he want to die! What would I do if he died? What about Michael? I considered leaving everything for him. I risked it all. Such a fantasy. What a stupid thing to do. Maybe in the next life, but not in this one.
Richard and I went to an opera last night, to see his favorite, Madam Butterfly. As if I don’t have enough drama in my life. It was so beautiful and tragic. I ended up crying, and couldn’t stop. It swam out of me, in uncontrollable sobs. Richard handed me his hanky and told me to calm down. But I didn’t calm down, and I didn’t care if I made a total ass of myself.
Afterward, we talked.
‘What’s wrong? You’ve been unhappy for some time, is something bothering you?’
I felt an urge to tell him everything. I wanted to ask for his help, and tell him about my dupe, but I’m weak and afraid. I can’t face ending the affair and telling my husband the truth.
‘Nothing, it’s just it’s sad she killed herself.’
Richard put his arms around me. ‘Oh, honey, you’re so sensitive, so romantic.’
I felt so safe to be in his arms. I yearned for him to hold me like this until the end of time.
‘Go see a doctor, please.’
He sighed. ‘Alright dear, I’ll go and see a doctor.’
Will he, though? He probably said it to make me shut up!
30th June
Evening,
Diary,
Look at the sight of me. I’m a state. I’ve got bloodshot eyes, dark circles, a red nose, puffy lips, and my skin is deathly pale, although, I am naturally pale.
Went to see Michael today. His front door was ajar. He was sitting on the sofa wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, with his head tilted back, puffing on a joint. I stared at that body.
‘You found time to see me then,’ he sneered.
‘No!’ I shouted, slamming the door, ‘I can’t let you do this to me.’
The room smelled of weed and mold. He pulled me towards him on the sofa, so close there was no space between us. He’s become unbearable - his stunts, the jealousy, the narcissism. I had to be strong. I could not display any more weakness.
‘I can’t do this anymore,’ I said.
‘I knew it!’
‘I have to stop seeing you. I can’t take it anymore.’
I was surprised at how the words flew out of my mouth.
‘You don’t fancy me anymore?’ he asked.
‘This has nothing to do with if I fancy you, that’s not the point—‘
‘You’re going to stay with him,’ he said bitterly.
‘He is my husband.’
‘But I thought that you...’ he trailed off.
‘Never mind what I thought.’
‘You’re such a bitch.’
I opened my mouth to protest, but instead, I allowed him to call me every name in the book. Oh, he was angry and upset. It’s reasonable. I couldn’t hold back my tears.
‘I love you, but I can’t see you anymore. Please, let’s end this on good terms,’ I pleaded.
He glared at me
‘You love me, but you’re dumping me. What’s the matter with you?’
‘I have no choice.’
‘Yes, you do. You can leave. There is a way.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’re too young, and I’m too old. We don’t have a future together.’
‘I don’t care!’
I stood to leave. He pulled me towards him. ‘Mike!’
‘Sophie... you can’t do this, what about what we shared, does it not mean anything to you?’
What we shared was pure lust. I cannot listen to any more lies. The bullshit. The weird things that have happened since he came into my life. The notes, the phone calls, someone following me. I want it to stop.
‘Oh yes, it was precious but—‘
‘Then why?’
I tried to break free, but he pulled me in even closer.
‘Mike, please, let me go.’
‘You want me.’
‘Stop!’
He pushed me against the wall, tears falling down my face. Why was he doing this? It was at that moment I wondered if he’s capable of rape?
‘You still want me, I know it.’
‘Mike! Please, this is not about sex!’
It came to me, like a punch on the face. Sam pulling me against a wall.
‘Mike, let me go, please stop!’
Michael eased down my jeans ignoring my protests,
I recall kissing Sam on the lips, and him nuzzling my neck. I pushed Michael harder, I wanted him to let me go. My heart was pumping, and my breath came in gasps. He didn’t want to let me out of out his grasp. I was trapped. I didn’t know what to do, stuck between my memory of Sam, and Michael trying to have his way with me. And then it came out of me loud and clear. A scream. He backed away, wide-eyed and angry.
Silence.
Pounding on the door. Loud footsteps. The anger replacing itself with alarm. Michael went to open the door and left it ajar.
‘Who’s screaming?’ a voice of a woman demanded.
‘... It's fine—‘
‘Screaming is not fine, young man! In the twenty-five years, I’ve lived here, I’ve never heard anyone scream!’
I pulled up my jeans and sat on the sofa.
‘Shall we call the police?’ a man asked.
I pictured the tenants out of their flats looking at Michael’s apartment wondering what was wrong.
‘What have you done to her?’
‘There’s no need for the police,’ Michael snapped, ‘We had a disagreement. She got upset, and screamed.’ He opened the door wide, and a woman in her sixties, with grey hair and thick glasses, peered over at me. I smiled at her.
‘See, she’s fine now,’ he said to reassure her, but I could hear the annoyance in his voice.
The woman glared at him and, with a soft voice, asked me, ‘are you alright, dear?’
‘I’m fine. I was upset and got carried away. I didn’t mean to worry anyone.’
She didn’t look too convinced. ‘Right. Hope this won’t happen again.’
‘It won’t,’ Michael reassured her.
Michael was about to close the door, when the woman turned to me. ‘So everything is handled?’ she said.
‘Yes, I can handle him,’ I replied.
He shut the door in her face. ‘Is that what I am, something to be handled like toxic
waste,’ he said.
‘What you tried to do me just now was revolting. It’s over, I mean it. We. Are. Done!’
‘You’re making a big mistake.’
‘No, I’m doing the right thing. I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry?’ he growled.
‘I am, yes.’
‘Don’t do this, you don’t know what I might do.’
‘Cut the bullshit.’
I opened the door to leave. The proprietor, who was still in the corridor, threw me a suspicious glance as I stormed past her.
‘Sophie, please come back,’ Michael pleaded.
I shut my eyes fighting the tears.
‘Sophie!’
Got home. Richard wasn’t back yet. I dumped my bag on the floor and wept like a baby.
I have done it. I am free. So why don’t I feel victorious?
I also removed the SIM card from my phone. I have to be strong. I’m laying here writing this, thinking of Richard and his handsome face and charisma.
The house phone just rang. I didn’t answer it. I let it ring and ring.
I keep telling myself it’s over now. I have done it. I’m free from him. I have found my way home.
1st July
Evening.
Diary,
Hate feeling like this. My heart is heavy and aching, but it will pass. I’ll get used to it. The notes have stopped. Maybe it was Michael sending them.
I still can’t understand how Richard didn’t work out what was going on. How can someone be that blind? I want to bang his head with a saucepan and say, ‘wake up you old fart I was having an affair.’
I let all of my clients, my parents, work, and Sylvie know I’ve changed my phone number.
Richard asked me. ‘What for?’
‘It was time for a change.’
It’s coming together now, one memory after the next. Hitting me like a wave. How could they? How could Michael do this to me, him of all people? It was a lie. What they said were all lies. The puzzle is coming into place, piece by piece. They were taking me for a fool. They were covering for Sam.
I saw them sitting in the club, the strange, tall, beautiful boys, and three dark-haired men, one blond. There were all sorts of bottles on their table. One of them was wearing sunglasses with white frames, I think it was Nicky, but I can’t be too sure. Sam was talking to Michael, and then, as if he knew I was staring at them, looked over at me, and then soon after, so did Michael.
I don’t recall how Sylvie and I ended up at their table. There was a commotion between the men and one of the boys. Sylvie went over to the boys table, and I followed. Sam introduced himself right away. It’s all muddled from there - I can’t recall any of the conversations. Sylvie went off with Nicky and left me alone with them. Evelyne came to our table, said hello and sat on Andy’s lap. Michael left the table. Sam offered me a drink and went over to the bar. When he came back, we danced to a song with a sax. That’s the song I keep hearing. It was from the club.
But..... I never fell.
Sam and I talked by the wall, where Evelyne must have taken her selfie. I wanted to go out to get some air, so I grabbed my bag and coat and left. Sam wanted to come with me.
I walked past a dry cleaners and leaned against the wall of a large house, and smoked. Sam joined me and lit a cigarette.
‘Here we are alone at last.’
There was a peculiar smell, exactly the same as the one I keep recalling. I smiled, I didn’t know what to say to such a remark. It was a blur from there - I remember we kissed. And then it happened so fast. He pushed himself inside of me.
‘No,’ I said.
He ignored me. I tried to push him off me, but he was stronger. He covered my mouth with his hands and took his orgasm in me. I was mortified. I had tears in my eyes, and my body trembled. I sat on the pavement inspecting the damage he did to my dress.
‘How could you do that to me? You Bastard!’
‘I didn’t do anything to you, it was sex, only sex.’
I stumbled to my feet and slapped him. He slapped me right back, so I slapped him again. I didn’t care if he hit me, or killed me even, I was so angry. The last word I heard as I fell and hit my head on the pavement was,
‘Look what you made me do!’
At one point, I opened my eyes. I was on the ground. Andy and Nicky stared down at me. Sam and Mike weren’t there. Someone said,
‘What the fuck did you do?’
3rd July,
Afternoon,
Diary,
If I tell Richard about this, he will make sure Sam goes to prison. Richard has the means and knows some of the best lawyers in the city. I don’t know what to do. Now I remember, I can go to the police and report Sam. But what do I have to prove it - a torn, soiled dress? But it is evidence. If only I had remembered all this when I still had the bruises after it had just happened. Then it would be a different story.
I can’t tell Richard or go to the police. They’d bring Sam in for questioning, and then Michael, who would defend him. He would tell the police everything. I can’t let Richard know what’s happened. And, of course, there’s my drinking. No-one would believe me.
Does Evelyne know what happened? What sort of woman would hide this from another woman? Women should help each other in matters like these! How could she allow a rapist to live with her under her roof? She can’t know the truth, not the whole truth anyway. I bet they lied to her too.
The more and more I think about it, the angrier I’m getting. Sam’s friends were backing him up, all lying on his behalf. How deceptive, and sinister.
Maybe Michael was using me all along, none of it was real. That’s why he was so bold with me, it was an act. But for what agenda or purpose, to protect Sam? The longer I took to remember, Sam would be safe? But that doesn’t make any sense, Michael would have avoided me, not seduced me!
And what about the notes? Each time I open the mail, my heart stops. I haven’t had one in weeks.
I must confront him. I need to tell him I know what happened.
5th July
Evening,
Diary,
I rushed up the stairs and pounded on his door. ‘Coming, I’m coming!’ he shouted.
Michael opened the door. He scowled at me. ‘Oh, it’s, you, I thought you’d be back again.’
‘Don’t flatter yourself, I’m not here for that,’ I said.
‘Come in,’ he said, as I barged my way in.
‘Everything was a lie.’
He shut the door. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Cut it out! I remember everything, I know what Sam did,’ I said, raising my voice, ‘He hit me, he was the one who knocked me out cold, not the drinking, not the fall. You knew all along, and you didn’t tell me this? How could you!’
What do you expect me to do?’
‘You can’t be serious.’
‘I didn’t know you then.’
‘Is that your excuse?’
‘Hey, I’m not the one that hit you! Why are you taking this on me!’ he shouted.
‘How could stand there and say something like that! It’s sick and disgusting. How dare you. I loved you.’
‘Is that what you think? I’m a sick and disgusting person, what about you? You came along with your upper-class boredom, stinking of alcohol, chain-smoking, with your intoxicating misery, spreading your corruption,’ he raised his hand, ‘this is what you created.’
I shook my head. ‘He took advantage of me when I was helpless!’
‘Helpless? You had sex with Sam then had an affair with me, and now you’re acting like a victim. What you going to say next, that he raped you? You’re a drunk. Get a life!’
‘That is what he did. He raped me. I said no!’
‘You let him have sex with you, as you let me, it wasn’t rape.’
‘I would have left everything for you. What a big fuck up I would have made out my life. You used me.’
‘No, Sam used you. With him, it was just sex, and you used
him too. Isn’t that how it is with sex, but with us, it was more than that, and you know it. Don’t worry, you are a fuck up, and you’d have done yourself a big favor if you left. You have nothing in that marriage.’
‘You used me. You took advantage of me!’ I stomped towards him and pushed him against a shelf of LPs. A few fell on the floor, ‘I curse the day I laid my eyes on you, I was the idiot that fell for your charms, but nobody warned me you’re a fucking vampire!’ I pushed him, and my hands dug into his shirt. More LPs fell off the shelf. I continued shoving him, my anger pulsing through my veins, ‘do you have any idea what you’ve done?’
He broke himself free. ‘I’m very well aware what I did... how did you put it, oh yes, it wasn’t memorable enough for you. Well, it wasn’t memorable enough for me to give up a friend over you either.’
‘This is madness!’ I yelled.
‘You’re the creator of this madness, I was just more than happy to play along.’
I pointed my finger at him. ‘Don’t you think this is over. I will report him.’
‘Go ahead,’ he said, crossing his arms, ‘do you think they are going to believe you, a fucking drunk! Go home, Sophie, to your marriage. Don’t dig a bigger hole than you already have.’
‘Why? Why! ‘I cried.
He sat on the floor. ‘Just leave, Sophie’
‘I feel sorry for you, you’re only twenty-two years old, and you’re capable of committing such a heinous act. I don’t even want to imagine what you will do when you’re older. You deserve nothing but suffering.’
‘Get the fuck out of here!’ he shouted.
He will not stop not until I’m defeated. He will destroy me. Motivated by rage and revenge of a jilted lover. I’m thinking twice about going to the police. If he’s had gone this far already, what else would he do to me?
8th July
Afternoon
Diary,
The drinking makes things less tense. Crying has become a daily thing. I feel so betrayed, how could he look at me in the eye and lie to me, when he knew all along. I’m in a state of paralyzing fear. I feel like it’s not over yet. Something else is coming, but I don’t know what!
Last night, I brought up the topic of moving with Richard. He got inquisitive, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned anything.
‘Are you all right?’ Richard asked wiping sweat from his forehead.
He’s still looking green and has lost his appetite. What’s wrong with him? I thought he was going to see a doctor?