by J. S Ellis
I went to the club. Michael was by the bar, but he wasn’t alone,
Matti was with him. Michael didn’t look happy at all. It seemed like they were arguing from their body language. I moved away to avoid being seen. Matti pointed his finger at Michael, and Michael threw up his hands in what looked like exasperation. Matti stomped away. Why on earth were they arguing?
Michael saw me and came over.
‘What took you so long?’ he asked, grabbing my hand.
‘I told you I went to check the apartment.’
‘Is everything okay?’
‘It looks fine. I’ll be sleeping there tonight.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, I need clothes for work.’
‘Whatever suits you,’ he said.
‘Are you upset about something?’
He studied my face, and I wondered if he knew that I saw his outburst with Matti. ‘No, why?’ I replied.
‘You look upset.’
‘I’m not upset... I’m tired.’
After I watched him play, he insisted on walking with me to the apartment. When we reached the door, he pulled me to the wall and kissed me so passionately, it left me breathless.
‘Mike...’
‘I want to make love...’
‘Oh, for God’s sake.’
I took him up to the flat. I swore I’d never bring him up here again. He barely gave me time to place the keys on the hall table. He lifted me up and carried me to the bedroom.
Afterward, he told me, he was going to visit his friends at Evelyne’s. I didn’t know if it was true or if he was going to meet Matti and didn’t want to tell me.
6th June
Afternoon,
Diary,
I hate thinking it, but I even wonder if it could be Michael. I know it’s crazy. I’m questioning the man who’s shown he cares deeply for me, the man I’m sleeping with, the man I’m betraying my husband for. Nothing makes sense anymore. I hate myself for thinking it. It makes little sense. Michael was at the club so it can’t be him. If he wanted to come and see me, he would knock like a normal person, not fiddle with the doorknob to scare me.
7th June
Morning,
Diary,
Richard is back from his trip and greyer than usual. He bought me a pair of Jimmy Choos. I’m going to wear them to work tomorrow. I kissed him on the lips and stared into his eyes. I still doubt if I could risk it all. No, I can’t, I need consistency, and Michael can’t give any of that. I can’t switch my feelings for Richard off like that.
9th June
Evening,
Diary,
Things just keep getting better, and better. God, I’m scared, I have to do something, but the police won’t take me seriously.
I sat opposite Michael in a restaurant and hoped he looked like a client. This makes me laugh because I know he doesn’t. He’s too flamboyant, but then again, clients come in all shapes and sizes. Why am I even thinking of lies to tell, when I can say the truth? Yes, Richard, he’s my lover, I love him, and there’s nothing you can do about it. All Richard can do is divorce me.
‘What are you thinking?’ Michael asked.
‘Oh, you don’t want to know,’ I said, playing with my finger.
‘But I do want to know.’
‘About the key,’ I said, studying him, to see if I could catch a reaction.
He flipped his hair. ‘What key?’
‘The key that was misplaced in my bag.’
‘Oh yeah, the key... what about it?’
‘I was sure I placed it in the left pocket, not on the right.’
He arranged his hair. ‘These things happen all the time.’
‘Yes, but I’m not crazy.’
He sighed. ‘It’s easy to misplace stuff, Sophie. What’s the big deal, anyway?’
‘Mike!’
He signaled the waiter for the check. ‘What is it?’
‘Did you—’ I trailed off?
‘What?’ He said.
There was an uncomfortable silence. The waiter placed the bill on the table. Mike’s face went white.
‘Oh for fuck sake, is this where we’re heading?’
‘What?’
‘You know what.’
I paid the bill quickly before Michael caused a scene in the restaurant. I stood, and gathered my bag,
‘Hey wait, I’m talking to you! Don’t you dare walk away from me!’ he shouted.
Once outside, he pulled my hand to stop me and rammed me against the wall.
‘Do you honestly think I took your key and placed it back again?’ he asked, raising his voice.
A woman in a beige coat eyed him. ‘No!’ I said.
‘Look! I’m not going to take this shit from a broken-down alcoholic. You could have placed the key anywhere! What are you going to tell me next, I tried to get into your apartment!’ he shouted.
I shut my eyes. It was foolish of me to ask him directly. Of course, he’d be upset.
‘You’re right, I’m sorry, it was an awful thing to say.’
He let my hand go. ‘Yes, it was, you’re a jerk.’ He backed away, ‘I want to be alone.’
‘What?’ I asked in a broken voice.
‘It’s best we stay away from each other, for a while.’
He turned to leave. ‘But—‘
‘Don’t call me, I’ll call you.’
‘Oh come on, don’t be a baby!’
But he is a baby. I shouldn’t have mentioned anything. I knew it would upset him, and now he thinks I am accusing him of stealing my key, and returning it again. He shook his hand away and stomped off.
Is it over again? I went to the general store to get the groceries. Michael was right, I do want it all, the guy I screw, and Richard. I paid and left, keeping my head low, not making eye contact with anyone. As I waited at the traffic lights, a man beside me took out a Zippo lighter and lit a cigarette. For a split second, the world stopped. The sound of the lid opening and the bright orange flame brought memories flooding back, like pages in a photo album, flipping over one by one. Each memory was a snapshot, bright and vivid. Full of detail.
Sam fires a cigarette with a Zippo, his blue eyes on me. It was dark outside, and I didn’t have my coat on. I was giggling. He placed the Zippo in the back pocket of his trousers, his eyes never leaving mine.
‘So here we are alone at last,’ Sam said.
Heat and panic swept over me, my heart bursting out of my chest. I dropped my bags on the ground. I couldn’t breathe. It was like someone was choking me.
I heard someone say, ‘Are you alright, madam?’
I continue to gasp for air.
‘Keep calm, and breathe deeply. Keep focusing on your breathing,’ the voice said. That’s all I remember, everything was a blur.
10th June
Evening,
Diary,
Didn’t go to work today, Richard insisted upon it. It was the first panic attack I had. I called Richard after the panic attack and went home. He called me a doctor, who ordered me to stay in bed and rest. I felt better after a while, but it doesn’t change the fact I still need answers.
It’s all coming back to me little by little. I suspected Sam had something to do with that night. But what exactly? What did he do? Where did the bruises come from? Did he attack me? How did I end up outside with him? I have so many questions. Michael won’t tell me, he’s protecting him. How dare he lie to my face! And Andy, also covering for Sam! Michael and Andy, the pair of them scheming, feeding me with lies. A fight my arse! I was in state of uncontrollable rage, and I knew who to take it out on.
I drove Richard’s Mercedes over to Michael’s. He doesn’t use it often. Driving in London is ridiculous, anyway. Couldn’t afford to waste time on tubes, taxis, or buses. I had to confront him and fast. When I arrived, I saw him bouncing down the street, his blond hair flowing behind him, accompanied by a girl, dressed in a leather jacket. I clutched the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white, so,
this is how he spent his days when he wasn’t with me. I parked my car in the first parking space I found, beyond caring if it was a yellow line. How many women is he seeing? I threw my cigarette on the pavement and crossed the street. By this time, they were standing outside the flat, his back to me. Is this what I considered leaving Richard for? To fuck up my life and make a total fool of myself? What a fool I am. What did I expect a man like Michael to see only me? Silly me.
I was sure they were out for a stroll, after an afternoon of steamy sex! And were on their way to resume. I couldn’t bear it, imagining him giving her what he gives to me. She was beautiful, of course - long black hair, flat cheekbones, full lips, and brown eyes, and yet, somehow, he was prettier than her! I hit him on the head. He turned to face me, as I lunged forward to hit the girl. He grabbed me by the waist and lifted me off the pavement. Heads turned.
‘Bitch!’ she yelled.
‘Leave him alone!’ I yelled back.
‘Whore!’ She said, throwing middle fingers in the air.
‘Easy,’ Michael said, carrying me inside the apartment block.
‘Let me go,’ I demanded. He mumbled something in Swedish. Swear words maybe?
‘I’ve had enough of you!’ he hissed.
I pushed him, and moved away from him, he grappled my arm, sunk his fingers into my skin, and pressed hard. I winced. He dragged me up the stairs.
‘What are you doing here? I thought I told you I’d call you,’ he snapped, without looking at me.
He took me to the second floor, and with his free hand, he fiddled in his pocket.
‘Of course, because it’s not my day today is it?’
He pushed me against the wall. ‘I don’t have to explain anything to you!’ he shouted in my face.
He took out his keys, opened the door, and pushed me inside. I lost my balance and fell onto the floor. He slammed the door shut and threw the keys across the room. He sighed and pushed his fringe away from his face. It fell delicately on his forehead. There was banging on the door.
‘Mike! You son of a bitch open the Goddamn door!’ the girl yelled.
Michael cursed as he opened the door. I stood on my feet, dusted myself, and marched over to the bedroom. The girl yelled frantically at him. Was she a girlfriend? Did he have a girlfriend all this time and didn’t tell me? The bed was undressed, and the sheets were on the floor, along with condom packets, and used tissues.
‘Fuck you!’ the girl yelled.
The door slammed. Michael stood in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips. He turned his attention to me.
‘You’re stinking with alcohol. You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?’
‘No.’
‘Don’t lie to me! Why aren’t you at work?’
‘Thank God I wasn’t.... I know where I stand now.’
‘You’re drunk.’
‘I’m not drunk. What are you saying, it’s all in my imagination?’
‘I told you she’s a friend.’
‘You fucking liar. I can see the bed, you had sex with her!’
He stomped across to me. ‘Me? I’m the fucking liar?’ he smirked, you’re pathetic you know that? You’re pissed off because I had sex with a girl? You don’t know the rules, Sophie. You are the one who’s married not me. I’ve got nothing to lose. I spent months watching you coming here, then you leave at the end. You always leave, and I’m alone. This is more than you deserve.’
He rambled past me to the kitchen, opened the fridge and stomped back in holding a bottle of wine. He unscrewed the top and took a sip from it.
‘What did you expect, me to sit here waiting for you while you are at home with your husband? You can’t prevent me from my youth,’ he continued.
‘That’s it!’ I yelled ‘I cannot take it anymore. We’re finished! It’s over!’
He glared at me, and before I let him say a word, I headed towards the door. He rushed over, blocking my way.
‘Out of my way, Mike.’
‘Fine then,’ he said, entering into my space, ‘go back to your weak husband. Isn’t that why you keep coming here over, and over because I give you what he can’t.’
‘Leave him out of this! He has nothing to do with you.’
‘Go back to your boring life, to your booze, to your fucking hell.’
‘Fuck you!’ I said walking past him.
‘That would make you happy!’ he shouted.
‘Fuck off.’
I clumped through the corridor, and he came after me. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? What does he want from me? He caught up with me, pulled me against the wall, and kissed me. I shoved him away.
‘No, it’s over.’
He took off my coat, and I pushed him. ‘I love you!’ he whispered, taking my mouth to his.
He’ll keep on doing this until there is nothing left of me. This is never-ending. How I’m going to get out of this. This is bigger than me, and it’s tearing me apart.
15th June
Afternoon,
Diary,
We stayed in with the curtains closed. We watched a movie together, in each other’s arms. Richard has a terrible cough. We got into an argument because of it since he refuses to see a doctor. I think he’s going to catch a cold. He complained yesterday about a headache. He’s not eating like he used to, he barely touches the food.
‘You should do something about that cough,’ I said, once he stopped coughing.
‘It’s just a cough, Sophie.’
‘Still, you should see a doctor.’
‘I’ve had enough of doctors. It will pass.’
‘I worry about your health more than you do.’
‘For God’s sake Sophie...’ He stopped to cough.
I waited for him to recover, his face turned crimson.
‘Are you trying to pick a fight,’ he said, after his cough subsided.
‘No, I worry.’
‘Yeah right.’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’
He coughed again.
‘I’ll call a doctor.’
‘No!’ he yelled between coughs.
‘Richard!’
‘I’m going to bed. I can’t have you buzzing in my ear all the time,’ he said, and went off to bed, still coughing.
This is the thanks I get for worrying about his health? How ungrateful. What is wrong with him? I smoke so much and even I don’t even cough like that. And what were the rashes on his neck? What’s wrong with him?
I went out to visit the Blagclub. It’s been ages since I’ve been there. Everyone looked so dressed up heading into the club. I didn’t bother to go in, I didn’t think I’d find anything that might help me in there. I walked past the dry cleaners and remembered the soil on my dress. Did I leave the club with Sam and go somewhere else? No, I don’t suppose we did. It happened somewhere around here. I can see it again, him standing in front of me, lighting a cigarette with a zippo, and looking at me as if he wanted to devour me.
17th June
Evening
Diary,
Richard seems to be losing his patience with me. He’s snapping at every single detail. I think he has a fever but is still refusing to see a doctor.
Tried to end it with Michael today, I figured I couldn’t do it in person though. So I chose the coward’s way out. I opened my email browser, and with tears pouring down my face, I typed in his email address. I didn’t get any further because the phone startled me. It was a client who had to make the final check on a set of accounts before I signed them off.
At lunchtime, I told Wendy to take a message if anyone called while I went out of the office for a few minutes. When I got back to the office, I tried to figure out what to write in the card I bought for Michael at the shop. There’s no right way to end a relationship with someone, but this isn’t a relationship, despite being in love with him. I decided not to send a card. An email will do.
Dear Michael,
This has to end, it was...
I s
topped typing. It was what? Wonderful? Grand? The best and worst thing that ever happened to me? It flipped my world upside down? Technology gives people an excuse to hide behind their monitors. It gives them the confidence to say what they have to say without having to do it in person.
I should tell him in person, it’s the right thing to do, but he’ll be difficult. I picked up the card again and sighed, I couldn’t put dear or dearest, Michael. I pictured him in my mind, so beautiful, like magic itself. I picked up the card with the kitten,
Michael,
I have to stop seeing you, and the only way to end this is to be brutal. What we are doing is wrong and dangerous, and I can’t take such risks. We have to stop doing this. I have to continue my life with my husband. I’m not strong enough to live on the edge with you. It rips me apart, but there’s nothing else to do. I’m sorry.
I’ll always love you,
Sophie.
At 3:30pm, I went to a meeting, I wrote words such as power, passion, and possession on my notepad, contemplating whether I’d send the card or not.
‘Are you with us, Sophie?’ Charles said, scowling at me.
By 4:30, I was back at the desk. Michael called me a few times, but I ignored his calls. I don’t know what to do. To send, or not to send...
20th June
Evening,
Diary,
Michael came here today, to my office! This is getting out of hand. Why can’t he let me be? I thought I’d done well these past few days, not returning his calls, hoping he’d take the hint, but no. As I left work and turned around the corner, Michael started following me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, his body was warm. The smell of his oaky aroma of aftershave was intoxicating and made my head hurt.
‘What do you think you’re doing? Are you insane?’ I hissed at him
‘Why aren’t you answering me?’
‘I’ve been busy.’
He furrowed his eyebrows. ‘Really?’
I don’t know why I said that and why I keep dragging this on. Why didn’t I say I can’t see you anymore, this is taking over my life and what’s left of my insanity. This is a nightmare!