by J. S Ellis
She placed her hand on mine. ‘I’m still your mother. I would have listened and helped you. As if the miscarriages weren’t enough. What you’ve been through is awful.’
‘I know.’
‘I don’t see why Blake won’t follow up on your theory. Richard’s death needs some form of justice.’
Mum took over from me washing the cups. ‘Let me do that for you, you need to rest.’
I lay in the guest bedroom. I can’t sleep in the master bedroom. Mum is going to clear Richard’s things as it is too hard for me. I couldn’t sleep so I switched on my laptop instead. My Inbox is full of unread emails, but I’m not ready to deal with that yet. I Googled “Michael Frisk,” and the stuff that came up was unbearable. The affair, the murder, the fire. How he “died” in the fire. I closed the window and typed “high schools in Sweden.” I’ll send emails to every school around the country if that’s what it takes. This is where I’m going to start to prove I am correct.
18th October
Afternoon,
Dear Diary,
I think I know where Michael will be. I bet he’s in New York. He told me he wanted to go there the night he invited me to his apartment for the first time. Matti said he was going to New York too. It’s there in my old dairy. I need to tell DC Blake.
25th October
Evening
Dear Diary,
I was awoken by voices. It was mum arguing with another woman.
‘I have to speak to her, it’s urgent,’ a pleading voice said.
‘She has been through enough, why don’t you people leave her alone!’ Mum hissed.
I got up and checked what the excitement was. Mum stood by the front door with her hands on her hips, I took a step forward to see who she was talking to. Evelyne stared at me with bloodshot eyes, shaken.
‘It’s okay, mum,’ I said.
Mum and Evelyne turned to me. ‘Are you sure, dear?’ Mum asked.
‘Yes, please, Evelyne, come in,’ I said.
Mum moved out of the way, and Evelyne lurched in the apartment. ‘Can you leave us, Mum?’ I said.
Mum left. I glanced at the wispy girl before me.
‘Thank you for seeing me,’ she said, ‘I know this is hard after what you’ve been through, but I...’
I invited her to sit down and handed her a box of tissues.
She scanned the boxes in the apartment. ‘Are you moving?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’
‘I see,’ she said, ‘where are you moving to?’
‘To my parents until I figure out my next move,’ I replied.
I went to the kitchen and put the kettle on.
‘Can I have one?’ she said, pointing at my cigarette.
‘Oh sure, here.’
I handed her my packet of cigarettes and a lighter. I finished making the tea and sat beside her making sure there was enough distance between us.
‘It’s so hard,’ she said, puffing on her cigarette, ‘I still can’t believe that he’s...’
She buried her face in tissues and sobbed.
‘Did you have an affair with him?’
‘Who?’
‘Andy.’
‘God, no.’
‘I hated you, you know,’ she said.
I stared at her.
‘Not hated you, more like envied you.’
‘Why?’
‘You had everything, well at least in my eyes you had, the successful, handsome husband, the apartment, money, the career, and the clothes. I used to see you walk down the street with your nose up in the air as if the world was at your feet. I would never have guessed you’d turn into an alcoholic and an adulteress.’
‘Did you come here to torment me?’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that... no, I came here because I thought you might understand what I’m going through. I feel so bad to have waited all this time to speak to you.’
‘It’s all right. I need to ask you a few questions too.’
‘If you’re going to ask about Sam, I don’t know where he is. I already told the police this. They think I have something to do with him disappearing. He left like he was in a hurry. His things are still in my apartment. He left his guitars behind which strike me as odd because his guitars were his life.’
‘Did you know what he did to me?’
She looked at me in horror. ‘No, I didn’t have any idea at the time. He didn’t mean it, I know Sam, he’s such a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. It must have been an accident.’
I let her continue, despite my urge to put her right.
‘There’s no excuse for assault, and if I’d known anything, I would have reported him myself. They made sure I didn’t find out, but after that night they started to behave strangely.’
‘In what sense strangely?’
‘I had an argument with Andy that night. I left the club and went home to bed. I woke up the next day at around eight, and they were awake, Andy, Mike, and Sam. It was odd because they didn’t usually wake up that early, Andy and Sam at least. Michael used to wake up early to do sit-ups, he liked to take care of himself. Sam’s bedroom door was closed. I walked past his room, and they were talking in Swedish so I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but your name popped up,’ she paused and took a sip of her tea.
‘They came out ten minutes later, Sam was deathly pale and shaken up, like he was scared and had been crying. I asked Andy...’ She paused as fat tears fall down her cheeks. I passed her the box of tissues. She took a few and blew her nose, ‘I asked Andy if something was the matter, and all he told me was that Sam got into a fight. I found it strange, he didn’t look like he had been in a fight, no black eyes or anything like that.’
She sparked another cigarette. ‘I didn’t think about it again until I saw you once with Mike, you were coming out of the grocery store. You didn’t see me, you were too into him to take any notice, I think. You looked in a trance. I thought now there is a woman who has everything, but she can’t help mess it up. Your marriage was none of my business, but I knew it was only a matter of time before something happened between you two.
‘What made you think that?’
She puffed on her cigarette. ‘I never understood the big deal with Mike, yes he was good looking, but he was too pretty for my taste. The first time Andy introduced me to him, I thought he was gay, but he got that a lot. I saw him with enough women to know he wasn’t. He didn’t care what people thought of him. and I liked that in him. He was quiet, private and took care of friends. He was loyal. Andy and Sam loved to party, but Mike wasn’t into that, not every night at least. He was sensible, intelligent, and different. I’m not saying he was an angel, he had his demons.’
‘Which were?’
‘I don’t know, as I said he was private, kept himself to himself. Once Andy told me that back in Sweden, he was living with a musician friend and his wife for a while, and became involved with her.’
‘Wait,’ I said confused, ‘you’re telling me that Mike was living with his friend and was having sex with his wife and this guy was okay with it?’
‘That’s what Andy said. So after I saw you two talking, I told him that this is not Sweden, we do things differently here. I recall telling him, “You’re not going to fuck somebody else’s wife and get a pat on the back from her husband.” He told me it’s not what I think. I think he had genuine feelings towards you. Two weeks later, he moved out, telling me he needed his privacy and thanked me for everything. He said he’d be forever grateful, that sort of crap. I didn’t know you were both having sex with each other.’
She lit another cigarette. ‘One afternoon I came home, and Mike was there. He pushed Sam against the wall and pulled him by his shirt. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they were speaking in their native tongue,’ she paused to take a sip of her tea, ‘Mike saw me and shut the door. I don’t understand what you were thinking, you didn’t think of the risks?’
‘Of course, I did.’
&nbs
p; ‘After you were arrested, me and Andy were shocked and made anonymous phone calls to the police. We knew it couldn’t be you.’
‘So, it was you?’
‘Yes, Andy went to court to listen to your case. The night before... the fire... Andy was high on drugs. I didn’t like him taking drugs in my apartment. We argued a lot about that. He kept saying, ‘I won’t let him get away with it.’ When I asked what he was talking about it, he kept repeating the same words. And the next day....’
‘When I came to your college you ran away from me. Why?’
‘I knew you were skeptical. I didn’t know what was going on and wanted to stay out of it. When I saw you I panicked and ran, I’m sorry.’
She began to cry again so I put my arms around her. ‘Would you like more tea?’
She nodded. I cleared the cups away and put the kettle on again.
‘The police kept asking me questions, and looking at me as if I had something to do with it, but I swear I didn’t know,’ she cried.
‘Did you tell the police what you just told me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why didn’t you come forward to the police before and tell them I was innocent?’
‘I was frightened.’
‘Frightened? I was going to go to prison for something I didn’t do, that is frightening.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, blowing her nose with a tissue,’ I’m so sorry for everything. I was scared I...’ She broke into tears again. ‘I should have done something, but I didn’t know what.’
‘Do you think Mike killed my husband?’
There was a long pause. ‘It doesn’t matter what I think now, the case is closed.’
‘Not to me, it isn’t!’
‘Please don’t get angry at me, I can’t take it.’
I handed her a fresh cup of tea. ‘I’m not angry at you, I’m trying to get to the bottom of this. Were you sending me notes?’
She blinked at me. ‘No!’
‘Do you know about them?’
‘Why would I? You were getting notes?’
‘Yes?’
‘What did they say?’
‘Nasty stuff...’
‘Did you know about the phone calls and someone trying to push me into the road?’
‘No! Maybe it was Mike, he must have been jealous of your husband.’
‘No, I saw his reaction in court. When he was asked about the notes and the phone calls.’ I sat beside her, and continued, ‘do you know a man called Matti, a friend of Mike’s?’
She shook her head. ‘No, but Mike knew many people, being a musician. Why do you ask?’
‘Because I think Mike is still alive, and that body was of Matti, not of Mike. Mike was hiding his true identity.’
‘That’s crazy!’
‘Is it?’
‘People change their name all the time, it doesn’t make them criminals.’
‘You don’t understand. What I’m telling you is, the body the police found was of the real Mike, that’s why the identification was positive.’
‘I don’t know, all I know is that my life feels over.’
‘I know, now you know how I felt. Get some rest, and be with your family.
30th October
Evening,
Dear Diary,
I visited Richard’s grave today and sat beside his tombstone. I stared in disbelief at the words Richard Knight a loving husband rest in peace. It will be the first Christmas I’m going to spend without him.
I arranged a bouquet of daffodils into the vase on his grave.
‘I’m so sorry you had to suffer because of my actions. I’m sorry I lied to you, and hid my drinking from you. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good wife. I didn’t mean it to turn out this way. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I just want to say what I didn’t get a chance to, to hold you one last time and tell you, despite all the bad I’ve done, that you were the only one, and you are still the only one I ever loved. I will make this right.’
5th November
Afternoon,
Dear Diary
I’m going to live with my Mum in Hounslow for a while, and I’m searching for properties to start my life anew. A cottage in Cornwall perhaps? And maybe a career in teaching? Doesn’t sound too bad to me.
I went to the police station with the book I got in the mail yesterday, from Sweden. A high school yearbook. Inside are the two great looking blonds that could pass as brothers, Mike and Matti. Under Mike’s picture is the name ‘Matti’ and under Matti’s picture it says ‘Mike’. I left it for Blake so he could admit I am correct. The man I mistook for Michael that night is indeed the real Michael, and the man I was a having an affair with is Matti. Michael is dead, but Matti is alive and living in New York. Now it’s up to Blake to work out the rest.
I continued with the final touches of the packing, ensuring everything was folded neatly, and labeled. I stacked the boxes into the corner of the living room. I don’t know where Mum is going to put all of this. The apartment is up for sale. I can’t wait until this place is sold, I don’t want to ever have to step foot in it again. I closed and taped up the last box, and wrote “books” on the label. I looked around the room, which had been once so alive, decorated with furniture and fine art, and filled with laughter. It’s now nothing more than a hollow shell, filled with sadness and bad memories.
The sound of the buzzer startled me. I went to the intercom to see who it was. It was a delivery for me. I thought it was strange because I hadn’t ordered anything. A uniformed man from UPS handed me a large white box tied with a red ribbon, addressed to me. I signed for it, then took the box inside and placed it on the sofa. I must have spent several minutes inspecting it, not daring to open. Something felt weird, it had no return address, or note, just stamps from England. And what was with the bow? I untied the silky red ribbon and pulled it away from the box. As I opened the lid, my heart hammered against my chest. I opened the lid.
Perched inside a velvet casing was a gleaming golden alto saxophone. I jumped away from the box and circled the room, not knowing what to do. I surveyed the box and the gleaming alto golden saxophone inside.
What kind of sick message is this? So, I was right, he is alive, and he’s sent me that saxophone to mock me.
I shut my eyes in despair, so that means he’s still in England.
I didn’t touch the saxophone. I left it in the box and called Blake. Fifteen minutes later, Blake arrived at the apartment.
‘Where is it?’ Blake asked.
I pointed to the sofa. Miranda turned to me. ‘Did you touch it?’
I shook my head.
Blake inspected the golden saxophone without touching it. ‘We need to take it to the lab for prints,’ he instructed Miranda.
She nodded.
‘Of course,’ I said.
He removed his gloves. Miranda took the box and left.
‘You should leave the apartment,’ Blake said.
‘I’m moving today,’ I said.
‘Good, I got your book.’
‘And?’
‘We’re working on it. I will get in touch with the school, this afternoon.’
‘So, you believe me now?’
‘I do, but to reopen a case can be difficult.’
‘Not if you have strong evidence.’
Mom came in. ‘What’s wrong?’
Blake smiled. ‘I’ll see myself out.’ He turned to the door and stopped, ‘good luck, Sophie.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Honey, what’s wrong?’
‘We need to get out of here, I’ll explain in the car.’
It was dark by the time I gathered my things and loaded them into my mother’s car. Mom waited for me in the car as I locked my apartment and carried the last box with me. And then I saw him, standing by the pole. Sam. Smoking, dressed in all black and a white blazer, his eyes set on me. I dropped the box to the floor.
‘Sophie, what’s wrong?’ Mom said.
He was holding something
. It was hard to tell in the dark, but it looked like a note. Blake got out of the car. He didn’t leave right away, maybe to see we left safely. My eyes went back to Sam, who hadn’t noticed the detective coming his way. I watched Blake take Sam away and drove away.
10th November
Evening,
Dear Diary,
I thought that the whole ordeal was over, but it wasn’t. The phone rang, and my mom picked it. ‘For God’s sake,’ she said, and passed the phone to me, ‘it’s Blake.’
My brain went into overdrive wondering why he was calling. Had they found Michael? That had to be it, I figured. I swallowed and took a deep breath.
‘Yes.’ I said sounding business like.
‘I don’t know how to say this,’ he said, ‘I have rather unsettling news, and if you don’t want to hear, I’ll understand.’
‘Tell me,’ I snapped.
I didn’t mean it to come out that way, but I just wanted him to tell me.
There was a pause.
‘Sam won’t speak to us.’
‘Oh,’ I said.
Is that supposed to be my problem? He was their concern now, not mine.
‘He said he wants to talk to you.’
‘What on earth does he want to say to me? Hasn’t he done enough?’
‘I understand if you don’t—‘
‘Talk to me about what?’ I asked.
‘He didn’t say.’
‘Oh sod it. Just tell me when and I’ll be there,’ I said.
After I hung up, I dragged myself into my old bedroom with boy bands posters on the wall and dropped onto the bed. I haven’t bothered to look for an apartment yet. I haven’t looked because I want to get out of the city. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything. I can’t move on if I stay here. Too many memories, too much pain. Everywhere reminds me of him. What does Sam want to say to me that he couldn’t tell me before he was arrested? Why now? The curiosity is eating away at me.
13th November
Afternoon,
Dear Diary,
I went to the police station and Blake came to greet me.
‘Take your time,’ he said with an assuring smile, ‘I know this is not easy for you but, through you, we can get him talking.’
‘Don’t thank me just yet,’ I replied.