Searching for Perfect

by Jennifer Probst

  "Sit down, Ken."

  "No time. Listen, I think we need to dump the Purple Haze for our mixers. Tony gave me some junk about not including the good wine, and there is no way I'm forcing my high-end clients to settle for a carton that comes out of the refrigerator just to satisfy his mark-up arrangement and--is that chocolate?"

  Her eyes widened. Kate held out a tiny square of Ghirardelli dark. Her stomach lurched in enthusiasm, and her mouth pooled with saliva. "Sit down. We need to talk about something, and you really need this."

  Her mind clicked through the options of denying herself, but it was way too late. She reached out and snatched it from her friend's hand, sat down, and slowly unwrapped the chocolate morsel. "Bribe accepted. You guys look super serious. Did someone die?"

  "Yes," Arilyn said gently. "You."

  Her mind jumped with confusion, but the heavenly scent of butter and cocoa drifted up, and suddenly she couldn't care less what the conversation was about. The first bite slid over her tongue and melted. Her body heated and the image of Nate feeding her while she was naked on the chair slammed into her vision, and tears suddenly threatened. What a big baby. She had to get herself together. Work was definitely the answer. She'd squeeze in another mixer. The more people who found love, the better she would feel. What was Arilyn saying? "Did you say I died?" she asked.

  "Your heart did. Sweetie, you're not going to like this conversation, but it needs to be done. Three weeks have gone by since you kicked Nate out of your life. Besides being a bit, er, difficult and--"

  "Bitchy as hell," Kate supplied.

  "Temperamental," Arilyn corrected. "You're working nonstop and staying way too late. You're not eating properly either."

  "Yes, I am. I'm not starving myself. I've had the perfect amount of protein, fat, and calories to sustain a healthy, balanced diet."

  "You haven't allowed yourself enough sugar or carbs to make you happy. I'm not talking about health or maintenance. I'm talking about joy."

  Kennedy took another bite of the chocolate. Her temper spiked. "I have no time for this touchy feely stuff. I appreciate your concern, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I did the right thing, and at least I sleep well at night knowing he'll be happy."

  "Screw this, A. I told you she's hard-core and she doesn't get subtle. I'm taking over now," Kate announced. She jabbed a finger in the air at her. "Listen up. Slade had the same screwed-up ideas about our relationship. Believed he was doomed for failure, and that his crappy experiences proved we were never going to make it. So what did he do? I told him I loved him, and he walked away from me. Just like you did with Nate. Slade gave himself this bull about doing what's best for me, but meanwhile, he was a little coward who didn't want to take the risk."

  "I'm not Slade."

  "No, you're not. You think you don't deserve Nate. Screw that. You deserve happiness. You deserve him. You deserve a life. Is this what you think it's about? Work, sleep, loneliness, and martyrdom? You're not doing anyone any favors, and it's time to stand up and go after what you want."

  Kate's voice softened. "You have food issues. Body issues. Perfection issues. So, what? Does that make you unworthy of loving someone who wants to love you back? Love has nothing to do with perfect. It has to do with flaws, and overcoming failure, and fighting for what you want. You have always been the strongest person I've ever known. You used to go after what you wanted. Until now."

  Arilyn cut in. "Happiness doesn't just tumble into your life, sweetie. You have to grab it."

  She stared back at her friends as a tiny flare of hope burst to life. Were they right? Was it as easy as making a conscious decision to leave the past and her insecurities behind and let herself be happy?

  It was then that her friend brought out the knockout, championship punch.

  "I felt the touch, Ken. With you and Nate."

  The air left her lungs in one swoop. The room tilted, and she grabbed onto the arms of the chair to keep from falling. "What did you say?"

  "That night we did the role-play in the bar? I touched both of you and got electrocuted. That's why I fell."

  "Impossible," she whispered. "It can't be."

  Kate bit her lip. "I'm sorry. I know we all made a pact I'd never tell either of you if I felt the touch with any men. I hate the idea of manipulating Fate or your feelings. I'm not supposed to get involved because it's up to each lover to choose the other--touch or no touch. But I couldn't let you walk away from this. Nate is your soul-mate. He belongs to you."

  Kennedy moaned and wrapped her hands around her stomach. In seconds, her friends were by her side, hugging and supporting her weight as the knowledge crashed over her.

  She was meant to be with Nate.

  Kate had never been wrong. Her touch was special, though they always joked about her being sort of a witch, they'd never doubted her ability to make a love match.

  They were meant to be together.

  The knowledge helped cement all the backed-up emotions the past three weeks had thrown at her. She'd been so wrong. So cowardly. Even after he'd stripped her barriers in front of the mirror, she'd still run away and ended up hurting the only man she'd ever loved.

  But it was too late. Wasn't it? The floodgates opened, and all her frustration and rage and pain poured out. She jumped from the chair and paced back and forth, muttering vicious curses from English all the way to the zingers in Italian she'd learned from Maggie.

  Arilyn waited in semishock. Kate looked impressed by her vocabulary.

  "Why can't I do anything the normal way? Girl meets boy. Falls in love with boy. Girl is happy. I'm twisted. I made him be happy with someone else on purpose!"

  Kate murmured in sympathy. "I know. I tried to do the same thing."

  "I have to do something! Go to him. Tell him. Beg his forgiveness."

  "Go," Arilyn said.

  "What if he doesn't want me back? What if I hurt him so badly he'll never forgive me?"

  Kate squeezed her hand. "My mom once told me there are no guarantees in this life, but if you don't try, you'll always be empty. Tell him how you feel, sweetie. That's all you have control over."

  Kennedy nodded. "Yes. Thanks guys."

  She tore out of the office.

  "HEY DUDE. MIND IF I hang out here for a few hours?" Connor asked.

  Nate straightened his jacket and threw on a touch of cologne. He'd gotten much better at not overdosing. "Sure. How come you're not at the bar with Jerry or the apartment?"

  His brother looked away. "Jerry went out with Ed tonight. Haven't seen you in a while, so I figured I'd drive up. Sorry if I busted in."

  "Nah, I'm just meeting Mary over at Mugs for a burger. Gonna be an early night, so why don't you stay? We'll hang when I get back and watch Breaking Bad on Netflix."

  "Cool." His brother studied him with a weird look on his face. "You like this girl?"

  "Mary? She's nice. We're having fun."

  "What about Kennedy?"

  Nate flinched. He still wasn't able to hear her name aloud without a bodily reaction. At least he had finally learned to control his automatic erection. "What about her?"

  His brother dragged his foot and seemed uncomfortable. "Well, one minute you're declaring love for her, and the next you don't mention her name."

  The tide of emotion that swept over him caught him like a fierce right hook. God, he missed her. Her laugh, scent, walk. Missed being in her presence and arguing with her. But that was over. And he was moving on.

  He squared his shoulders. "She wasn't into me. I'll get over it."

  "Yeah, you'll get over it. Trust me, bro, much better to commit to a woman more like you. Mary's nice. And she's . . . safe."

  "Yeah." Damn, this whole conversation was depressing as hell. If he didn't fire up some sparks with Mary quick, he was going to have to tell her it wasn't working. Maybe he just needed a little more time. Get over Kennedy. Keep it slow and steady. It'll work out. If not, he'd date someone else, again and again, until he met the right one. At least
he felt more comfortable in his skin. "Gotta go, I'm late. See you when I get home."

  He headed toward Mugs.

  KENNEDY DRAGGED HER PALMS down her skirt and hesitated outside the door. Eating crow was not her favorite thing, but she'd crawl on her damn knees if he'd forgive her.

  His car was parked outside. But when she knocked, it was Connor who opened the door, and his expression told it all. Pure dislike and judgment. Uh-oh. What had Nate told him? Everything? Pieces of it? Maybe she should start by apologizing to his sibling first. Oh, God, she sucked at this whole thing, so she opened her mouth and said the first word that came to mind.

  "Hey."

  "Hey." He didn't budge. "Nate's not here."

  "Oh. Oh, okay. Can I come in for a minute?" He didn't look happy, but he let her in. She didn't have the patience to sit, so she paced back and forth in his small kitchen. "Do you know if he'll be out long?"

  Connor walked to the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and kept his back turned. "Probably. He's out with Mary."

  Ouch. She breathed through the panic that she was too late and definitely knew Connor was majorly pissed at her. Time for some truth. "I'm not sure how much Nate told you about us. You mean the world to him, and I was hoping we could talk. I'd like to explain what happened. Maybe get your advice?"

  He tipped the beer back, swallowed, and faced her. A shiver wracked her body. Pure ice mixed with disdain gleamed in his eyes. She was in definite trouble. "No need to talk, I'll give you my advice right away. You did a good job making him over. Also did a good job working him over. You almost broke him, you know that?"

  "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I made a mistake. I need to make it right."

  "I called it from the beginning. Beautiful women think they rule the world. They take what they want with no thought to hurting someone, and then leave you in a broken pile at the door. Nate wanted to believe it could work. I warned him, but he took a chance and look what happened. Why are you back? To screw with his head some more?"

  She began to shake. "I swear to God, I never wanted to hurt him. I got spooked. I'd never fallen in love before. I forced him to leave so I wouldn't break his heart later, but I realized all this time, I was just afraid of him leaving me. I was a coward. I need to tell him the truth."

  "It's too late." He set his jaw as if making a decision. "He's involved with Mary now. They're sleeping together."

  The blood drained out of her as if a vampire had feasted and left only the shell. Too late. She was too late. She felt his brother's gaze trained on her face, as if judging her reaction, but she didn't care any longer. Her voice barely worked.

  "Is he happy?"

  "Yes. Don't ruin it by coming back into his life. Just leave him alone."

  She managed to nod. He was right. Nate deserved his own brand of happiness, and if he had found it with someone else, it didn't matter. Not the touch. Not her own broken heart.

  He was sleeping with her.

  Nausea lurched in her gut. She had had her chance, and she was too late. The least she could do was not swoop in and destroy something fragile, something that could be good for him and make him happy. Happier than she could.

  She moved in a fog. Her hand paused on the doorknob. "Connor?"

  "What?"

  "I love him. He deserves . . . everything."

  Then she left.

  NATE GOT TO THE restaurant and grabbed a table. Mary still wasn't there, so he ordered his Darth Maultini. This time, the bartender didn't question him, and he realized he was making Verily his home. Weird. He'd lived with his brother for all that time, closer to work and on the edge of Manhattan, but it never felt like home. Just a nice spot to rent.

  Genevieve's bungalow was warm and filled with a joyous vibe he'd gotten used to. The entire town had cast a spell on him. He loved taking a walk in the evenings and stopping for ice cream, or to people watch at the dog park. He'd purchased a gorgeous piece of art at the local gallery, and started to make casual acquaintances at the Purple Haze and Mugs. He even craved getting out of work on time, or at least, mostly. Wayne was getting a little pissy at his sudden longing for home, but he was playing with formulas and doing research outside the lab for the first time in his life.

  Now if only he could fall in love with Mary.

  A shadow fell over the table. "Hi, Nate." Her smile was easy and warm, and he automatically stood up to kiss her, but she turned her head at the last minute so he only snagged her cheek. She slid into the booth and clasped her hands on the table that he'd already wiped down for excess crumbs. "How are you?"

  "Good. You look pretty." Her short blond bob was chic and sleek, framing a round face with bright green eyes. She was slim and fit, and favored more casual clothes such as jeans, T-shirts, and comfortable shoes. Much more his type. Much better than a fashionista who'd always outshine him in public events. This woman was more his match.

  "Thanks." Her gaze darted around the place, and he caught nervous vibes. Was she getting impatient taking it slow? Should he up his game tonight? They'd stuck to kissing and holding hands, never needing to go further, but maybe she was questioning his intentions? He remembered a Glamour article that said men needed to make a move by date four or the woman lost interest. What number was this? Six? Crap, he was way behind.

  He slid his hand over and grabbed hers. She jerked a bit, laughed, and then busied herself with the menu. Yeah, this was heading south fast. Maybe he'd invite her back to his place and text his brother to leave. Nate fought back the nerves jumping in his stomach. He was good at sex. It would probably bond them and get him to the next level. Right?

  His dick remained silent.

  Nate cleared this throat. "I ordered you a glass of the Merlot you like."

  "That's so sweet." She looked up from the menu and sighed. "You're a wonderful man. Do you realize that?"

  "Thanks. Listen, why don't we skip dessert and head back to my place after dinner? Spend some quiet time."

  She dropped the menu and closed her eyes. "We need to talk."

  He clearly remembered at least four blog posts on the worst things a woman could say was "We need to talk." He tried not to panic. "Sure. You can tell me anything."

  "I've had a wonderful time dating you. Truly, when we met at the mixer, I thought we'd be good together. But I can't see you anymore."

  Huh? He stared at her and tried to gather his thoughts. "Did I do something stupid?"

  She laughed and squeezed his hand. "No, of course not! See, I met someone at work. And though you and I have a good time together, I don't think there are the sparks needed to start a long-term relationship." She bit her lip. "I hope you're not mad. I truly believed nothing would happen with this man, but he let me know how he feels, and I need to take a chance. We decided to date monogamously, so I'm going to pull myself out of Kinnections."

  Her eyes sparkled with the flush of that first excitement of meeting someone who clicked with you. Someone who got you in every way. Someone you wanted to spend every spare moment with, and whom you missed, and who made you feel alive. Nate waited for the deep disappointment to hit for losing the woman who could've been his mate. Instead, relief sunk into his whole being and settled to stay.

  Mary wasn't for him.

  He laughed then, because it was too damn ironic. "No, I'm not mad at all. In fact, I'm happy for you. You're an amazing woman and he's a lucky guy."

  She smiled. "You are one hell of a catch, Nate Dunkle. I hope the next woman in your life sees that."

  "Yeah, me too." They chatted for a bit more, and then he kissed her on the cheek and watched her disappear.

  And the question pulsed through his mind. What next?

  Maybe . . . nothing.

  He sipped his drink and went over his options. If he was going to have a shot at happiness with someone else, he needed to get over Kennedy. Dating other women and hoping to forget wasn't helping. Maybe he'd take a break. He liked his new home. Enjoyed his new friendships. He was confident to approach women
now and open to possibilities. Kennedy had given him all those gifts, but until his heart was free to give again, he was only going through the motions.

  Yes. He'd pull out of Kinnections. Forfeit the fee, take some time to heal, and go back on his own terms. He couldn't be involved with Kate or Arilyn when he'd only be hoping to catch a glimpse of his real matchmaker. Distance and time was what he needed.

  Nate paid the bill and walked home. The spring evening was lively with crowds, mingling in and out of the shops and filling up the outdoor cafes. The moon was full tonight, a beautiful orangey disc hanging over the Hudson. The Tappan Zee Bridge spread deep and long, with twinkling lights against the black sky. He stopped to chat a bit with a few residents and when he reached the door, he felt positive about his decision.

  His brother was propped up on the sofa, beer at his side, chips on the table, Breaking Bad on the big screen. "Hey, you're home early. Everything okay?"

  Nate joined him on the sofa. God, he was tired. "Yeah."

  "Date good?"

  "Nah, she broke up with me."

  His brother cranked his head around. "Are you kidding? Why?"

  He shrugged and grabbed a few chips. "She met someone at work. We didn't have any chemistry. Blah, blah, blah."

  "Dude, that sucks. Wanna go out and get drunk?"

  Nate laughed. "No, I agreed with her. I'm actually relieved. I'm gonna take a break from the dating scene for a while. Get my head together."

  His brother gave him a strange look. "I think that's the wrong move. You need to get laid. Get out there and date someone else. Don't stop and don't look back."

  "I'm not like you. It's not that easy."

  "This is about her, isn't it? Your matchmaker? You're still pining when you should be celebrating you got rid of her. She's toxic, man."

  He shook his head. "No. She's just like you, Con."

  His brother popped off the sofa with his mouth open like a guppy. "What? What the hell did you just say to me?"

  Crap. What a night. But it was time for some hard truth, and he was tired of skirting the real issue. "She's like you. You both got damaged from the past. You're both afraid to trust. Hell, neither of you thinks you deserve a real relationship, citing bullshit excuses like you don't want to be tied down, or have a long list of people you've already prejudged and declared guilty. Look at you, for example. No cosmetologists, no beautiful women, no women who are too smart and who'll judge you. It's ridiculous. Kennedy did the same thing. Told me over and over we weren't compatible, or that she'd end up breaking my heart."