House Swap

by Olivia Beirne

  She breaks off and gazes down at her phone. I take a deep breath.

  ‘I’m sorry I kept her ashes and didn’t tell you.’

  Katy shrugs, not meeting my eye. I can tell she doesn’t want to talk about it, but I push on. I have to try and make her understand.

  ‘It was selfish,’ I say, ‘but with Danny away and you in London, and Mum and Dad . . . I just felt really alone.’

  ‘So did I,’ Katy says, her voice sharp. ‘I wanted her back too.’

  ‘You always seemed to have it all together in London,’ I say feebly. ‘I thought you had this great, full life. I didn’t think you needed her as much as I did.’

  ‘Well I did.’

  I nod. ‘I know that now.’

  Katy continues to stare at her hands. Her collarbones poke out from her pale skin, and I notice that her eyes are sunken, streaks of black staining her cheeks where tears have run down. I feel my insides burn as I look at her.

  ‘When are you going back to London?’ I say, my voice shaking slightly as I push out the question I’ve been sitting on for hours.

  ‘Not sure,’ she says at once, not looking up. ‘Sometime this week.’

  We fall back into silence and I chew my lip.

  ‘Are you happy there?’ I say carefully.

  She shrugs dismissively. ‘You can’t be happy all the time, but my whole life is in London. My new job, my . . .’ She trails off and I stare back at her.

  ‘It’s not the same now,’ she says, and to my alarm, I notice her wiping tears off her face. ‘You can’t turn back the clock and pretend it’s the same as when Grandma was alive. We’re not that family any more.’

  She breaks off as a nurse appears and smiles at me.

  ‘How are you doing?’ she asks.

  ‘I’m okay, thank you,’ I say. ‘Actually,’ I add quickly as the nurse goes to leave, ‘can I hold her? It’s not easy for me to get up.’

  She nods and scoops the baby up, placing her delicately in my arms. I hold her tight, her little eyes scrunched up as she sleeps, and gaze down at her, feeling as though my entire body is going to collapse under the sheer love I feel for her. As the nurse leaves, I steal a glance at Katy, who has her eyes glued to her phone, though I can still see tears glistening on her cheeks.

  ‘We could be a different family,’ I say quietly. ‘The three of us.’

  Katy doesn’t say anything, and I feel the words drift past her as we fall back into silence. I look down at my daughter and then back at my sister.

  ‘Do you want to hold her?’ I say.

  Finally Katy looks at me.

  ‘No,’ she says automatically, ‘I can’t. I’ve never held a baby before.’

  ‘It’s easy.’ I shrug. ‘It’s like holding a doll.’

  ‘But she’s asleep. I don’t want to wake her.’

  I laugh and roll my eyes. ‘Just bloody hold her. I need a wee anyway, so you have to.’

  Katy looks at me, eyes wide, before shuffling over and holding out her arms stiffly, as though I’m handing her a loaded rifle rather than her niece. Very slowly, I lean forward and place the baby into them.

  ‘She’s so cute,’ Katy whispers, her eyes glued to the baby’s little pink face.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What are you going to call her?’

  I smile. It’s the only thing I’ve been sure of throughout my pregnancy.

  ‘Violet,’ I say simply. ‘Her name is Violet.’

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  KATY

  I waggle my fingers at Bruno, his large paws scrabbling against the window as I slot my key in the front door, but before I can turn it, Jasmine pulls the door open.

  ‘Katy!’ she cries. ‘Katy, we’ve been on an adventure! Mum!’ she yells over her shoulder. ‘Katy’s here!’

  I grin down at her. ‘Can I come in?’

  Jasmine steps back and lets me inside. Rachel will be ready to come home soon, and I promised I would pick up some comfortable clothes for her to wear. Fiona has volunteered to pick her up if I stay and watch William and Jasmine, as there won’t be room for three car seats, even though her car is more like a very glamorous minibus.

  ‘What’s this adventure then?’ I ask as I sit on the sofa and Bruno comes running up to me.

  ‘Well!’ Jasmine cries. ‘First of all, I caught Mummy lying on the phone to Mrs Peters.’

  ‘Jasmine!’ Fiona snaps, appearing at the top of the stairs with William, who throws his arms in the air as he spots me and races down to see me. ‘Don’t say that!’

  ‘But you were!’ Jasmine says. ‘You told Mrs Peters that me and William had food poisoning and were very sick.’

  ‘Well, sometimes grown-ups do lie,’ Fiona rolls her eyes in my direction, ‘but we mustn’t tell tales on them, remember?’

  Jasmine cocks her head as William climbs onto my lap.

  ‘We took Bruno out on a walk!’ he says excitedly. ‘And we saw the sea and Bruno tried to go in it!’

  This causes them both to fall into a stream of giggles, and I give William a squeeze.

  ‘Listen, why don’t you two go and play with Bruno outside?’ Fiona says. ‘Give me and Katy some peace and quiet for a minute.’ She flashes me a wink, and I grin.

  ‘I’m sure they’ll keep you busy when I go and pick Rachel up,’ she says as the back door slams and she goes to the kitchen to flick the coffee machine on. ‘Honestly, they’re acting as though they’ve never been on a mini break before! God only knows how I’m going to get them to sleep tonight.’

  I laugh.

  ‘I’m assuming you want a coffee?’ she says, looking at me over her shoulder. ‘I can’t imagine you’ve had much sleep.’

  ‘Yes please,’ I say gratefully, sinking back into the sofa. I feel as though I could sleep for a hundred years, and all I did was hold Rachel’s hand and feed her Kit Kats.

  I tried to offer her a tangerine instead, as a joke, to get her to finally admit that she wasn’t a vegan either, but she didn’t find it very funny. In fact, she looked like she wanted to kill me.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here,’ I laugh, as Fiona hands me a steaming mug of coffee. ‘In my childhood home, with my sister having a baby . . . It’s so bizarre.’

  Fiona cocks her head and sits next to me, folding her long legs under her.

  ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Rachel is a good person. She was a welcome guest in our family last week.’

  I feel a pang in my chest as I take a sip of the coffee, wincing as it scalds my tongue.

  ‘Listen, Katy,’ Fiona says slowly. ‘I wanted to talk to you about this job.’

  My eyes snap up.

  ‘Have I not got it?’ I blurt. ‘Have you changed your mind?’

  ‘No, of course not.’ She smiles. ‘I just wanted to make sure you actually want it.’

  She pauses, and I frown at her.

  ‘This is really hard for me,’ she says, ‘because I have absolutely loved having you as a part of my family for the past three years, but if I’m being honest, I haven’t always felt that you’ve been happy. You’re not like the other girls in the office—’

  ‘I can change,’ I interrupt. ‘I can be more like them.’

  ‘Oh God, no.’ She laughs, screwing up her face in mock disgust. ‘They’re awful; that’s the last thing you should do.’

  I clasp my coffee, my palms damp.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ I say quietly. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

  ‘I just want to make sure you’re doing what makes you happy,’ she says. ‘You’d be snapped up in a second by an events firm in Wales if you wanted to stay and be with Rachel.’

  She says the last bit carefully, and I feel my heart flip.

  She reaches forward and takes my hand.

  ‘No rush,’ she says softly, ‘but I just wanted you to think about it. You seemed like a different person when you came back from your trip; you were so relaxed and happy and I don’t want you to lose that. Don’t answer me now,’ she adds
quickly, cutting across me as I open my mouth to speak. ‘Think about it.’

  My stomach flips over as I force a smile onto my lips, a feeling creeping over me that Fiona knows me better than she has ever let on.

  ‘Now,’ she says briskly, putting her mug down and getting to her feet. ‘Where can I find this car seat?’

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  RACHEL

  I stare down at Violet, fast asleep in her buttercup-yellow sleep suit with its tiny matching hat. By the time I came back from the hospital, Ellie and the rest of the girls had filled the porch with bags and boxes of adorable babygros, toys and big bars of my favourite chocolate. Peggy had cleaned up after the party and stuck CONGRATULATIONS! banners up outside the front door. She’d also left a huge wrapped basket filled with a baby tennis kit, which made me feel awful. Where on earth she managed to find it I have no idea, but what I do know is that whether she likes it or not, Violet will have to be the next Andy Murray. Which I guess makes me Judy.

  I push my glasses up my nose as Katy appears in the doorway holding up a white T-shirt.

  ‘Is this mine or yours?’

  I shrug. ‘Don’t know. Take it anyway; it won’t fit me for months.’

  She nods and I follow her back into her bedroom, where her case is flung open and her clothes are waiting in neat piles. My stomach twists as I look at it.

  ‘When will you be back?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice upbeat.

  We haven’t spoken about Katy leaving since I was in hospital. After Fiona dropped me home, we got into our pyjamas and watched Mean Girls. Katy even cooked us a curry (something I had no idea she was capable of doing), and the evening felt too perfect to bring it all up again. I didn’t want to spoil the first moment we’d had as real sisters for years. I can’t ask her to stay; I don’t know what I was thinking, imagining she might give up her whole life in London to come and live with me.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ she says, not looking up from the suitcase as her face tinges a light pink. ‘I’ll have to see what time off I can get.’

  I nod, sinking onto the bed as she continues to pack.

  ‘Dad is going to come up for a few days,’ I say. ‘He’s got some time off work.’

  Katy’s face lights up. ‘That’ll be nice,’ she says. ‘Have you told Mum about Violet?’

  I chew my thumb. ‘Not yet,’ I say. ‘I’ll call her.’

  ‘I’ll do it with you if you like,’ Katy says earnestly.

  I smile at her and we fall into silence.

  ‘I’m sorry I can’t stay,’ she says at last, her voice strained. ‘I really want to be with you and Violet. I’m just not happy here. I don’t like being in Wales, it brings back too many memories.’

  ‘I know,’ I say softly, trying to catch her eye, but she refuses to look up from the suitcase.

  I’ve given up trying to tell her how I think she’s happier in Wales than she ever has been in London. The sea air has ruffled her hair, which she usually straightens flat against her head, and I notice that she’s only wearing a light swipe of mascara. Her sleek clothes have remained packed in her suitcase, untouched, and she’s wearing old dungarees with a yellow T-shirt underneath. She looks more like Katy than I’ve ever seen on her Instagram.

  ‘Why do you want to live in London so badly?’

  For a moment I think I see her flinch.

  ‘I just don’t think I can live here,’ she says in a small voice.

  ‘You didn’t enjoy being here last week?’

  She pauses. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘What about Isaac?’ I say. ‘You wouldn’t want to see—’

  ‘There is nothing there.’ Katy cuts across me. ‘He thinks I should go too. I am sorry.’ She looks up at me, her eyes shining. ‘I promise I will see you more – I’ll visit whenever I can – but it’s too painful for me to live here. If you need me to help, I can use my annual leave and come and stay. I’m sure Fiona will let me work remotely from time to time too.’

  I look back at her, trying to force a smile onto my face.

  ‘Would you mind watching Violet for a minute?’ I say. ‘I just want to run and grab some milk from the shop. I could do with the fresh air.’

  Katy nods silently, still staring down at her suitcase as colour rises up her face.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, jumping to my feet and running down the stairs. Bruno looks up at me quizzically as I skid past, and I shoot him a look.

  ‘Go keep Katy company for a second,’ I say, pointing up the stairs. ‘She could do with a cuddle.’

  As though he can understand me completely, Bruno scampers up the stairs. I push the front door open and run up the garden path, and then straight down the path next to it.

  ‘You need to tell her to stay.’

  The words tumble out of me before Isaac has fully opened the front door. He raises his eyebrows at me, unimpressed.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Katy,’ I say simply. ‘She wants to stay, I know she does.’

  ‘No she doesn’t,’ Isaac says. ‘She wants to run away, like she always does.’

  ‘Well then, you should stop her!’ I say crossly. ‘She thinks you want her to leave and I bet that’s why she’s going. She thinks you don’t care about her.’

  ‘I don’t,’ Isaac says matter-of-factly. ‘We’re just friends. That’s what she said and that’s fine with me.’

  I stare at him incredulously.

  My God, they are both so stubborn!

  ‘Isaac, she’s leaving in ten minutes,’ I say desperately. ‘If you let her go, then you’ve let her go for good. It’s taken me years to get a second chance with her.’ I fix my eyes on his. ‘Don’t throw yours away.’

  For a second, he just looks at me. Then he reaches forward and plucks his keys off the hook, and my heart lifts.

  ‘I’ll give her a lift to the station,’ he says coldly, ‘but that’s it.’

  I open my mouth to protest, but he pulls his front door shut and walks down the path with a look on his face that tells me not to bother. I follow him helplessly.

  I have my sister back. But while she’s unhappy, I’ll only ever have half of her.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  KATY

  ‘Isaac is giving you a lift to the station.’

  I look past Rachel and spot Isaac slouching reluctantly over his car.

  Oh great.

  ‘That’s okay,’ I say quickly. ‘I’ll get a taxi.’

  ‘Just take the lift!’ Rachel laughs. ‘For goodness’ sake, it’s only a lift.’

  I look at her. Her face is pink and her smile is wide and free. I haven’t seen her this happy in years.

  I’ve barely been able to concentrate on anything since the conversation with Fiona. I’ve barely eaten. I never thought I would come back to my old village for a holiday, let alone to live permanently. I couldn’t wait to get away; I hated it here. All the anger between my parents and the pain as our family split apart, then the heartache of leaving Isaac behind. When Grandma died, I didn’t even feel that I had a family to return to. And now I’ve been promoted! I’ve finally been offered the job I’ve been desperate for. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. So why don’t I feel happy? Why don’t I feel as though I’m doing the right thing?

  ‘I’ll be back really soon,’ I say, taking Rachel’s hands. ‘I’m sure Fiona will give me some more time off.’

  Rachel shakes her head. ‘You’ve got your fancy new job to start!’ she says. ‘You’ll be super busy, I’m sure.’

  The excitement in her voice spikes through me, and I try and force a smile.

  ‘I’ll call you every day,’ I say, ‘and I’ll come back at weekends.’

  She smiles, giving my hands a squeeze. ‘That sounds great. Don’t worry, Dad will look after us. He gets here tomorrow.’

  I hover, my hands firmly gripped in Rachel’s. I feel a stone sinking through my body, and for a horrible moment I feel as though I’m lying to her.

  ‘We won’t go back
to how we were,’ I say firmly. ‘I promise.’

  At this, she pulls me into a hug and I hang in her arms limply.

  ‘I know,’ she says. ‘Now go!’ She gives me a hard squeeze. ‘Go, or you’ll miss your train, and God knows, they only come once every three days. Trust me, you don’t want to get a taxi to London.’

  I laugh weakly and pick up my bag. Rachel lifts Violet from her Moses basket and holds up one of her clenched hands to pretend to wave, even though Violet is fast asleep.

  ‘I’ll be back really soon,’ I say earnestly.

  I kiss my finger and plant it on Violet’s head. Rachel smiles.

  ‘I know you will.’

  I step onto the garden path, my chest burning as though I’m walking away without my heart, but I keep moving until I reach Isaac’s car. He takes my case and I climb into the front seat silently, and as we drive away and I wave to Rachel, the tears I’ve been fighting spill from my eyes.

  *

  I stare out of the window, fat drops of rain skidding down the glass, as Isaac steers the car down the country lane. It’s about an eight-minute drive to the station, and we’ve sat in silence for the first three. I’ve been focusing on swiping the tears out of my eyes before they fall down my face and ignoring the voice that is screaming at me to turn around.

  ‘Felix went on a date.’

  My stomach clenches as I turn my head. We haven’t spoken since that horrible conversation we had in the hospital. I don’t know why he offered to drive me to the station, although maybe it’s so it won’t be too awkward when I come back to see Rachel and Violet.

  ‘Did he?’

  Isaac nods, his eyes locked on the road. ‘Yeah. He took her to the cinema.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘I think he wants to take her horse riding.’

  I feel a stab in my chest, and pull my eyes away to look back out of the window as the memory of Isaac and me laughing and galloping through the fields replays in front of my eyes.

  ‘That’s nice,’ I say feebly.

  See, a little voice in my head jeers, you wouldn’t have any of this pain if you’d stayed in London. You never have pain like this there.