by Cathy Gaitan
That’s my motto. It even works sometimes.
-from the mad ramblings of Mercy Mayhem
Pinkerton Floyd
A week after returning to Happyville
Since we returned to town Mercy has been avoiding me. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the kiss I gave her before the battle with the Dragon Lady. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little frustrating. I thought we were on the same page. Okay, that’s not altogether true. It’s kind of hard to be on the same page with someone who’s all over the place all of the time. She’s never just on one page. She dances between like ten different pages. So, yeah, I’m frustrated.
I need to figure out how to play this. I can’t be too direct. That doesn’t work with her. She’ll run for the hills for sure. I can’t be too sneaky about it either. It just makes her contrary. She’ll always do the opposite of what I want.
I thought about asking Titus for advice then I came to my senses. Let’s be serious. He got Julia on luck alone. Lucky for him Julia’s taste leans toward the twisted.
I considered going to the Witches for advice. I chucked that idea almost immediately. One of them would probably try to come up with some kind of love potion. I don’t want a Stepford Mercy. She’s just the right amount of weird as she is.
I also rejected the idea of turning to Carmony. She used to have a crush on me. Talking to her about this would just be strange. Also, she and Mercy are friends. The last thing I need is her ratting me out. I like Carmony but trust is another issue altogether.
So, that brings me to Caine Woodley. I’m not so certain this is a great idea. I’m pretty sure he got Mary Mary out of the goodness of her heart. She probably chose him over his brother Abel because he was more pathetic. That’s just how she is.
“So you want advice on how to win Mercy’s heart,” asks Caine with a grin. I had to force down the gag. Does he have to make it sound so mushy? I think he’s been hanging with Mary Mary too much.
“I want advice on how to keep her from getting away,” I tell him. Is that so hard to understand?
Caine laughs. “Here I thought you wanted romantic advice but you actually want hunting advice.” Now he’s getting it.
I nod. “Yes. That’s it exactly!” I didn’t even realize that until he said it. “It needs to be something smooth. She’ll smell a trap a mile away.”
The minute I said ‘smooth’ I realized I was in the wrong place. Caine can tell me how to locate my target. How to take her down with a single shot. He’s got a lot of great hunting skills but ‘smooth’ is not his thing.
“You need to use bait,” he says matter-of-factly.
Okay, maybe he knows a little bit. “You mean like a king sized box of Nerds?” I think about it. That could work. The ninja nerd likes snacks.
Caine chuckles. “I was thinking flowers, perfume,” he suggests. It’s official, Caine is a wuss.
“If I took that stuff to her she wouldn’t let me in the door. Hell, she wouldn’t even answer the door.” She’s not answering now. When I stop by I can hear her rustling around near the door. She’s got some work to do before she actually achieves ninja status. Mercy is not ninja quiet. Not by a long shot.
“Okay, then maybe candy. Not Nerds!”
I throw up my hands in consternation. “Why the hell not? That’s her favorite!”
“Because they’re her favorite.” He grins at my confused expression. “She has it all the time. For her it’s common. You need to get her something special. Like chocolates.”
Chocolates. Okay, that’s doable. When Caine opens his mouth to say something else I interrupt him. I don’t need him giving me orders on the kind of chocolate I should get. I’m done discussing it. Next. “What else do you have?”
“Jewelry could be nice,” Caine replies.
“You mean like a ring,” I ask. “That might be rushing things a little.”
Caine shakes his head. “No. Maybe a necklace or earrings,” he clarifies.
I consider this for a moment. “That could work. Something that says Pink.”
He nods hesitantly. “I mean I guess you could engrave it with your name if you want but that might be a bit much if she’s already skittish.”
I roll my eyes. “First of all she’s a woman not a horse. She’s not skittish.” Okay, maybe she is but I don’t like that word. “She’s hesitant. And I wasn’t speaking literally when I said it should say Pink. I just meant it should remind her of me,” I say and he visibly relaxes. “But, now that you brought it up it’s not such a bad idea.”
“I really don’t think that’s the way to go with Mercy,” Caine advises.
“Let me worry about Mercy.” I know I came to him for help but ultimately it’s my call. I’ll take his suggestions and toss out the ones I don’t like.
“Fine but don’t blame me when, I mean, if it fails,” he tells me. Okay, so he’s creating an escape hatch for himself. Whatever, I know Mercy. He doesn’t. She’s not like Mary Mary.
“Okay, you’re in the clear. I don’t remember you being this soft before you hooked up with the dog whisperer,” I say because it’s the truth.
“I’m not soft,” he softly argues. “I’m just considerate of my partner. There’s a difference.” None that I can see but I’ll let him keep his delusion.
“Any other suggestions,” I ask. It helps to have a lot of options.
Caine sighs, “Gee, I don’t know, have you tried blackmailing her?”
I know he’s being sarcastic but I answer anyway. “I considered it but I think that would just work against me.”
“Oh, you think?” Again with the sarcasm.
“Yeah. She’d expect that from me. I need to approach this differently,” I explain.
“You could try getting at her through her cats,” he smirks. He obviously thinks I wouldn’t do it. Little does he know.
“Been there. Done that. The pink in Lumina’s fur is because of me. She got her signature scent from me,” I inform him pointing at myself. “That cat loves me. She’s on my side for sure.” This is not just ego it’s complete confidence. She’s as much my cat as Mercy’s.
He looks at me in confusion. “She has a signature scent?”
I’m offended on Lumina’s behalf. “It’s cotton candy. How could you possibly miss it?” He’s even more dense than he looks which is quite a feat because he looks pretty damn dense.
“Why would you get a cat a signature scent,” he questions, baffled.
Now I’m offended on my own behalf. “Because a cat toy is predictable.” I know perfectly well that’s one of the ways he ‘wooed’ Mary Mary. He’s not the only one who can be sarcastic. “I am not predictable. And neither is Lumina.”
“Okay, whatever. You bonded with her cat,” he relents. He snickers, “Maybe you should ask for visitation rights.”
It’s just adolescent humor. I know he’s got his head in the gutter but it’s a valid suggestion. “Not a bad idea.”
Caine is flummoxed. “I was kidding.”
“I know but the idea still has merit. She can’t deny me the right to spend time with her cat,” I declare. The more I think about it. The more I like it.
He chuckles and waves at me to stop talking. “Do what you gotta do but stop saying it. It sounds weird.”
Mary Mary walks out to where we’re sitting on the patio. She looks at us suspiciously. “What are you guys talking about,” she asks. She staring hard at Caine but I’m staring harder. He had better not spill my secrets. I don’t care how much she bats her eyelashes at him.
Caine looks uncomfortable. I don’t care. He needs to just man up. “Pink thought he saw an injured dog in the woods near the sheriff’s office,” he lies. He’s a really terrible liar. Luckily he said the key words guaranteed to make Mary Mary ignore everything else.
“We need to find it,” she insists as he knew she would. She’s already pulling at his arm. Great! Off the hook.
As they’re walking away she turns and looks at me. “Do
n’t give up, Pink. She’ll come around,” she says.
Hell. Maybe I should have bypassed Caine and talked to her instead. A woman’s perspective may be what I actually need.
I go in search of one and stumble on Oz instead. He’s sitting on a bench in the town center drinking from a bottle of something. The liquid is amber but it’s missing the label. When he offers me a sip I shake my head. I don’t do mystery liquids especially when it’s offered by an asshole Warlock.
“What’s got you tipping the bottle in the middle of the day,” I ask him. I don’t really care but I’m not yet ready to make a go at Mercy again. Not yet anyway. I’m working up to it.
Oz snorts. “What do you think?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “A woman of course.” He tips the bottle and takes another drink. I have a feeling he’s pretty sloshed right now but I’ve got to give him credit. It doesn’t show.
“What woman?” It could be the Dragon Lady for all I care. This is just something to pass the time.
“Who do you think? The crazy one,” he curses with punch to the air.
My body stiffens and I glare at him. “You have a thing for Mercy?” Now we have a problem.
The Warlock laughs so hard he nearly falls off the bench. “The nerd Zombie? You think I,” he points at his chest, “am interested in her?”
Okay, so not Mercy. Good. Then I guess we have no problem after all. “Then who,” it’s merely a courtesy question. If it’s not Mercy I couldn’t give a damn.
“The insane Witch of course,” he actually sounds insulted that I couldn’t guess.
“So you’re pining over Bibidee Bea bonkers,” I play along. “You got your work cut out with that one considering she’s head over heels for Titus.”
Oz make a disgusted sound and tosses the bottle at the lamp post. It shatters on impact sending bits of glass and drops of alcohol in every direction. He snaps his fingers and calls it back. It re-forms and settles back in his hand. He takes another drink then sends it flying again. “That caveman Zombie male doesn’t deserve the woman he has much less the Witch I want.”
I think the Magic Man might be losing his Wizard mind. It must be quite a blow to the ego to know a badass Witch like Bibidee Bea prefers the twisted Zombie over his magical self.
“Maybe you need to get real with her,” I suggest. Why I’m getting involved in his drama when I’ve got more than enough of my own, I don’t know.
“What do you mean,” he eyes me suspiciously. I get it. I’m team Zombie all the way but Titus has a woman. I know he gets an ego charge from Bibidee Bea’s interest but that needs to end for everybody’s sake. Letting it continue is just inviting disaster.
“I mean courting a Witch with magic is just same-old, same-old for her.” Blah, I’m starting to sound as sappy as Caine. When Oz frowns at me in confusion I spell it out for him plain and simple. “It’s boring.”
He sucks in an outraged breath and the puddle of liquor around the base of the lamp post ignites. “I am magic personified. From the tips of my hair to the marrow of my bones.” He gets louder with every word. “There is nothing boring about me!”
“Thank you for the demonstration because that right there,” I point at Oz, “is exactly what I’m talking about. B-O-R-I-N-G!”
When he opens his mouth to speak I raise my hand to stop him. “Nope. Not done speaking. You need to just listen,” He glares at me and crosses his arms grudgingly remaining silent. “Anything you can do for her with magic she can probably do for herself. You called Titus a caveman. Maybe that’s what she wants.”
Oz raises his eyebrow skeptically. “You’re saying she wants a Neanderthal?”
I shrug. “She wants a strong male.”
“I’m strong,” he protests. Thankfully he just manages to stop himself from showing me his muscles. That’s not something I want in my memory bank.
“Then check your magic at the door and be that.” Damn! I’m pretty good at this advice giving. Too bad there’s not another Pink to help me with my dilemma.
Oz tilts his head and stares at me intently for a moment. “Take the advice you just gave me and flip it. Mercy is all about the magic. Show her some and you might just get the girl.”
I freeze in place. I think the hair in my Mohawk just stiffened. “Were you in my head,” I growl. This Warlock needs to understand boundaries. My mind has huge ‘Do Not Enter’ signs posted around the perimeter. He had better learn to follow directions.
He grins as though he knows just what I’m thinking. “No. You just project really loudly,” chuckles. Those are the exact words I said to Mercy a few weeks ago.
“Stay the hell out of my business,” I demand. “I don’t need a Warlock diving into my mind.” He needs to take my warning seriously. I’m being generous offering it to him.
“Likewise, Zombie,” he replies. Either the liquor makes him reckless or the magic makes him cocky. Whatever. I can respect that. I nod in silent agreement.
I’m not sure but I might be starting to like this Warlock. Don’t hold me to that opinion. I’ll let you know tomorrow when I’m sober. Wait. What? I look at Oz in suspicion.
He shrugs at me. “What can I say? I hate to drink alone.” k`1`2
Ah, hell. I guess I won’t be visiting Mercy tonight after. I sit down on the bench next to him because my head is starting to spin a little.
Oz pulls another bottle out of the air and pops it open. After taking a long swig he passes it to me. I accept because I’d rather be a willing participant. For now, I choose to ignore the fact that my free will has been hijacked. Tomorrow I make no promises. The Warlock has a comeuppance coming his way and it won’t be pretty.
Mercy Mayhem
I have to admit, I’m pretty good at this avoidance thing. I’ve managed to evade Pink for a week. It hasn’t been easy. He’s really persistent. You know, there was a time not so long ago when I wouldn’t have been able to dodge him for a day. Apparently I’ve improved my game. You could say I’m in Ninja mode. Just don’t tell Pink!
Carmony says I need to get my brave on and confront him. Tell him I’m not interested. But see that’s where it gets complicated. I don’t know that I’m not interested. I’m still, you know, mulling it over. I just need to think on it some more. He rushing me and I don’t do well under pressure!
I roomed with Carmony the last couple of nights. She’s giving me the boot tonight though. She says she needs rest. According to her I keep her up. I snore too loud. I eat all her food. Whatever. She goes to bed at 8pm like an 80-year-old human. She refuses to watch Buffy or City Hunter or House Hunters. She watches the Price is Right. Okay, that one’s a plus in her column because who doesn’t dream of hearing ‘Come on down!’? Can you imagine if the Devil used that as his tag line? People would arrive excited only to find no dishwasher, no trip to Fiji, no brand new car. Bummer!
So tonight I guess I’m going home. Hopefully Pinkerton has given up. Wait. What if he has given up? I’m not ready for that either. G-r-r-r! This is too confusing. I pull out a box of nerds and munch while I contemplate this dilemma.
Why couldn’t I have the power to suspend time? I could just put this on hold indefinitely. Maybe that wouldn’t be so good. I’d just end up as old as Carmony acts. We’d all be gray by the time I make my decision. Hmm, can Zombies age? Grandma Roses looked pretty good. I’m guessing the answer is no. I’d ask her but I don’t like her. See my conundrum?
I’m getting dressed when I hear a knock at Carmony’s door. Pink hasn’t stopped by here yet but I wouldn’t put it past him. I think his craftiness is well established.
Carmony pauses to look out the peephole. She’s a good friend even if she is tossing me out. “Ouch,” she jerks her head away from the peephole.
“Let us in Carmony,” Bibidee Bea demands. “We know you’re harboring nerds!”
Damn that Witch for being so nosy. And double damn her for being so loud. What if Pinkerton hears her? “Open the door,” I prompt Carmony. I’m crouching behind th
e couch in case Pink is there and I need to duck out of sight. Stop judging me! Anxiety is a thing. Really!!
The minute the door swings open the Witches march in with Bibidee Bea in the lead. Her gaze swings to where I’m crouched with only my eyes and the top of my head visible. Bea shakes her head sadly. “And you were showing such promise.”
Boom Hildie rolls her eyes. “I have half a mind to take back the magic we gifted you,” she declares.
“No!” I stand up straight. Pink’s not here. I’m in the clear! “I’m just avoiding Pink for a little bit. That’s all.”
“Hiding from a Zombie male? You’re a disgrace to Witches everywhere,” DaniElle huffs.
I frown. “I’m a Witch now?” This magic stuff is as confusing as relationship stuff.
The Witches look at one another and shrug. “You’re a hybrid I guess,” Bea declares with little to no confidence in her answer. “Kind of like, um,” she looks at the others for help.
“The Bride of Frankenstein,” offers Hildie.
“Swamp Thing,” is Australian Witch’s contribution.
I finger comb my hair and wipe my mouth. I just got up so I’m not at my best but Swamp Thing?
“Swamp Thing is gross,” I complain.
DaniElle raises her brows as she inspects me. “You said it. Not me.”
Why do I consider these Witches friends? “What does it matter if I avoid Pink. What does that have to do with you?” Seriously. Why are they in my biz?
The Witches look at one another again. Bibidee Bea again takes the lead. “Look, Zombie nerd, I’m going to just lay it out there.” She looks to the others for support. Hildie nods in approval and the Aussie nudges her to continue. “We have a lot of money riding on you and right now you’re blowing Gucci change to the wind. Get it together! We are not losers,” she points to herself, Hildie, carefully bypasses Carmony, and gives a wishy washy point in DaniElle’s direction.
“Wait, what kind of bet,” asks Carmony before I can. There’s my friend! Despite her intention to kick me to the curb but that’s an issue for another day.
Bibidee Bea gives her an annoyed glance. “Who invited you to this party?”