by Cathy Gaitan
Carmony ignores Bea’s attitude and serves up her own. “This is my place. I don’t need an invite.” Wow! Who knew she had it in her? It must be all that fire in her blood. I like it!
“The nerd’s friend has teeth,” Bea actually looks impressed.
So does Boom Hildie. “I like it!” The same words I was thinking but I’m pretty sure it has different meaning for her. She gives Carmony the once over. “I like it a lot.”
Carmony looks flustered. She gives me an S.O.S. glance and I, well, ignore her. She’s heaving me overboard in my time of need! Am I wrong to do this? Probably but whatever. Carmony is just going to have to either duck or catch that pass.
She takes a page out of my book and ignores it. “What kind of bet do you have on Mercy,” she asks again. Well played Carmony.
Bibidee Bea rolls her eyes. “I like your spunk but this really isn’t any of your business.” Hildie and the Aussie nod in agreement.
“She’s my roommate,” I announce staring down Carmony. This could either be a genius idea on my part or an epic fail. I hoping for the former but, let’s face it, I’ve had plenty of experience with the latter.
Carmony sighs heavily and grudgingly replies, “She’s my roommate.” The Witches are staring at us suspiciously so I refrain from taking the victory lap that inner Mercy is begging me to take. ‘Later’ I tell inner me. ‘Once the Witches are gone we’ll put on Footloose and dance ‘til our feet go numb’ I promise myself.
Finally, Bea relents. “Fine, whatever. We’ve got a bet with the Zombies. The Zombies think Mercy will do a chicken dance before she does a tango with the Pink Mohawk,” she explains. “We bet she’ll finally put on her big girl panties and give him a whirl.” She gives me a narrowed eyed glare. “You’re letting us down!”
“They think I’m a chicken,” I shout. Who cares if it’s true! The Zombies are my fam. They’re supposed to have my back. “Who made the bet?” I’m glaring so hard she’d be in flames right now if I had Carmony’s skill.
She holds out her hand to count off, “Titus,” of course! “Julia,” betrayed by the sisterhood again! “Abel, Caine, Mary Mary,” okay, a direct hit to my scarred heart. Sniff.
“Kailani, Paisley, Denim,” continues Boom Hildie. Stab, stab, stab.
“Molly, Torin, Tupelo,” adds Australian Witch. Betrayal all around me.
“Wendell, Devon,” Bea jumps back in. Will it never end?
“Wait,” I can only take so much. “Who didn’t participate.”
Boom Hildie nods with a wink, “Good thinking. It’s a lot easier that way.” She lifts her hand and raises two fingers. “Carmony and Pinkerton.” She pauses and raises one more. “Oh, and you.”
“How dare they,” growls Carmony in outrage. That, right there, folks, is true friendship. “Not one of those rats,” I’m nodding with every word. Get them Carmony! “asked if I wanted in on this! I’m a Zombie too!” What the ever loving hell?!
“And how would you have bet,” asks Bea disinterestedly.
“With the Zombies of course!” She hooks her traitor thumb in my direction. “She’s gonna chicken out for sure. The easiest bet of my life,” she exclaims.
DaniElle pulls out a little black book and begins to scribble. Boom Hildie holds out her hand. “Pony up, Carmony. Put your money where your chicken bone is.”
Carmony grabs her purse and pulls out massive bills. That’s how certain she is I’ll back out. “You are all dead to me,” I proclaim.
Carmony snorts. “We’re dead to everyone. Even the Witches thanks to the DNA exchange.” Bibidee chortles and high fives her.
“Pleasure doing business with you,” Boom Hildie says with a wink at Carmony.
What is my life right now? Everything is upside down. The Zombies are betting against me while the Witches are, let’s be honest, giving me way more credit than I deserve. Even I think I’m going to back out. Wait, no! These Zombies need to learn a lesson in loyalty.
I am going to put on my dancing dress. Okay, first I’m going to find me a dancing dress. Then, I’m going to put it on and kick up my heels. Stop! Not like that! I mean dance. Pink and I are going to give this relationship thing a go. And these Witches are going to owe me big.
“I guess I can’t bet on myself,” I murmur.
“That’s not how it works, sis,” replies Boom Hildie. She turns and smiles at Carmony. Meanwhile Bea has me locked in her stare. She’s rubbing her thumb, middle and forefinger together promising dollars to come. Team Witches is not so bad. Money and revenge. It doesn’t get better than that.
“You can’t interfere,” Carmony orders Bea. Braver and braver is little Carmony. You know, the traitor!
Bibidee Bea places her hand on her chest as though wounded. “You think so little of me.” She clucks her tongue in disappointment then wraps her arm around my shoulders. “But, sadly, even less of the nerd.” She just had to ruin it by calling me a nerd. I am a Ninja dammit!
“You’ll get the title when you earn it!” I hear Bea say in my head. Damn these Witches with their Wiccan ways!! “Just let your inner tiger swallow the chicken.” I’ve gotta admit. That’s some master imagery she just painted for me. I like the sound of an inner tiger. The tiger within. Yes! Fighting!!
Bea grins knowingly. Yeah, I know she’s playing me but she’s doing it so well I can’t hate on her for it. She’s like the Mozart of subterfuge. Pink is like the Rock. Loud and in your face. Not really but that’s the way it feels sometimes.
Carmony is giving Bea and I distrustful glances. I think she may be onto our inner dialogue. Maybe it’s because we’re both grinning. “I think you need to leave now,” she tells the Witches. Seriously, who is Carmony right now?
“Aw, it’s cute that you think you can tell us what to do,” DaniElle replies with a small smile. Then she frowns and says, “But you can’t. We’ll leave when we feel like it.”
“We can leave now,” Bea decides. She got what she wants. No need to hang around.
“Well, it looks like we feel like it,” the Aussie says.
“But we can be back any time you want,” Boom Hildie tells her. “Just say the word.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Carmony smiles tightly. “But thank you anyway.”
Once they’re gone, Carmony turns to me. “How dare those Witches try to pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.”
Does she really think I’m not onto her? She’s not thinking of me. All she’s thinking about is that bet and how to cash in on my fears. “Maybe they’re just trying to help me overcome my fears.”
“Oh, I know you want to believe that,” she’s so understanding and compassionate. Not! “but not everyone has your best interests in mind. Not like me. Your best friend.” She’s laying it on a little thick now. Not an hour ago she was punting my ass out the door. Now she’s my best friend.
“You bet against me,” I remind her. Why do I even need to? She was there with money in hand. “You think I’m too chicken to take a chance with Pinkerton.”
“No, I just don’t think he’s right for you,” she backs away from the ‘chicken’ comment. Ironic considering that was the word she used to describe me. “I mean he’s always tricking you, irritating you.”
“That’s true. He does do that.” What? She has a legitimate point.
“He stole that 5k from you. He made you get his name tattooed on the back of your neck. He tricked you into getting the nose piercing,” she reminds me. All true occurrences.
“He’s helped me,” I argue weakly. He has. Right?
“Helped himself,” she counters.
“When Julia stabbed me he was there,” I insist. That’s true. He fought for me.
“He was there after the fact. Where was he before she stabbed you?” I have to admit. She’s good. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. I can see it’s upsetting you.”
“It really is,” I agree because it’s true. I don’t like to think about my murder.
Damn her for knowing my weaknesses! “Okay, from what episode,” I ask her. Just to see what she says. Really!
“Duh, from episode one. We’ll just veg out and binge watch the series. All. Day.” I know what she’s doing. I need to be strong and resist. “I’ll even make some popcorn. You like lots of butter. Right?”
Well, maybe I could wait until tomorrow to find that dancing dress.
Chapter Twelve
I never even knew I had an evil side.
Now I wonder why I waited so long to find out.
-from the dark musings of Carmony Grimshaw’s
Mercy Mayhem
Deep Purple Haze
They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I’m pretty sure I have a problem. I’m on my third day of non-stop television binging. Every time I try to stop Carmony pulls me back in! If the marathon of most of my favorite shows aren’t enough to keep me immobile the non-stop snacks are. I’m currently in the final season of Gossip Girl. It’s so painful to watch but I can’t seem to look away!
On the positive side all this ridiculous back and forth between Blair and Chuck has given me some insight into the potential relationship between me and Pink. If I decide to dive in no way am I backing out. I refuse to be like them. At this point I’m kind of hoping they don’t end up together. Sorry. Not sorry!
Carmony has hidden my phone so I can’t even call for help. If you’re out there and you can hear me, send in the troops! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
“Mercy, would you like some more brownies? It’s my own special recipe,” she smiles. You know, that smile. The evil smile. I’ve already eaten a pan of those brownies. Sometime during that haze is when she roped me into watching Gossip Girl. That evil genius!
“No! No more brownies,” I mumble then chew. Well, look there. I still had some in my mouth. Weird! I guess I must have snoozed for a little bit. After swallowing it I say, “I think I need to stop watching television, Carmony. My brain hurts.”
Her gaze narrows on my face and her smile dims just a tad. Angry evil. Great. “Nonsense. This show is almost finished. After this I was planning on putting on House Hunters,” she says cheerfully. “International. I know that’s your favorite.” It really is. You get to see a little bit of all these different countries.
“And I thought I’d make you some hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. You’d like that. Wouldn’t you?” Well, I really do love hot chocolate. It’s my favorite drink in the world. Extra marshmallows are a must! If only she could toast them like Pink does. Wait. Pink! I need to get to Pink!
“No, Carmony! No more shows. No more snacks,” I sound stern. In my mind. Unfortunately, it comes out sounding like I might need just a little more convincing. Why am I like this? The Ninja has fled the building. In fact, I’m pretty sure she vacated three days ago.
“Help me Obi-wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope,” I say to myself.
“Great idea! A Star Wars marathon is just what you, I mean, we need,” Carmony exclaims. I guess it was a verbal thought instead of a mental one. Awesome. By awesome I mean I’m in hell. No dishwasher, no trip to Fiji, and absolutely no new car.
“Carmony what I would really love is a slice of Molly’s cherry pie. Could you maybe go and pick it up for me?” I cross my fingers and hope she doesn’t come up with a sly way out of it. I don’t know if I can come up with another diversion tactic especially not now while I’m floating in a deep purple haze.
“Maybe I could get her to deliver it,” she muses pulling out her phone. After a short conversation she hangs up. “I guess the diner is really busy right now. She’s going to box it up. I’ll be back as quickly as I can,” she tells me sliding on her running shoes. Not to be mean but I hope she trips and breaks her ankle. You know, in a nice way.
Once she’s gone I roll off the couch and crawl to the door. I’m a little afraid to try to stand since I can’t really feel my feet right now. I reach for the doorknob and turn but it only opens an inch. Damn her! She put on the chain. I use the knob to pull myself up to a standing position and then get to work on that chain.
I finally manage to get it unlatched and then I’m free! My legs feel fine now so I take running step outside the door and immediately trip over the cinder block that the she-devil dragged in front of it. My shin is bleeding. I shake my fist in the air. She ruined my favorite pair of pajamas. She will pay for this!
I make my way carefully down the steps managing to avoid the tacks she sprinkled across them. I avoid the glass strewn sidewalks and walk on the grass instead. It’s a painstaking process since it’s littered with hot coals. Odd right? That Zombie female has so much to answer for! She thinks she has an evil side? Well, she hasn’t seen mine yet! Really!! I have one. I just haven’t used it yet.
I’m making my way to the Witch’s house. No way am I going home. I don’t trust Carmony not to have done something to it. I’m half way there when Oz pulls up next to me.
“Hey, nerd Zombie.” When he calls out I turn to look at him. He looks me over from my knotted mess of hair, the dirty torn pajamas, bloody shin and bare feet. He chuckles, “Wow, Pink is one lucky guy. You are a real keeper.”
I turn and glare at him. Why are men such jerks? “Thanks,” I tell him sarcastically. “and Bea is right, you’re a throw away.”
He stomps on the break. “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you prefer to walk?”
“No,” I can see Carmony making her way back from the diner. I slide down in the seat. “Which side of the bet are you on,” I ask him.
He smirks. “Which side do you think? You were obviously made for Pink.”
“Good. Carmony’s trying to keep me away from Pink so the Zombies win that stupid bet,” I tell him. “You can’t let her find me.”
He raises his brow and glances at Carmony through his review mirror. “I’m impressed. I didn’t think she had it in her.”
I roll my eyes. “She’s evil and when I’m back to normal I’m going to make her sorry she can’t die!”
He starts up the car. “That I’ve gotta see. Somehow I think your idea of normal and my idea of normal are not the same,” he murmurs.
“Glad to hear it,” I mutter under my breath. “Can you just take me to the Witch’s house? I need to be somewhere Carmony wouldn’t think to look for me.”
“Great! That’s exactly what I was thinking,” Oz exclaims. “You can come home with me.” He looks completely serious.
This Warlock must be high on magic. No way am I going home with him. “I said the Witch’s house not a Warlock lair!”
He completely ignores me. Why couldn’t I have a cool magic like Carmony the evil traitor? I’d light his wicked ass on fire. I try to summon a stun gun and wind up with a glue gun. Since it’s not plugged in it’s useless. I tuck it into my pocket. “If he takes me to his house I will find a way to hurt him with it later,” I swear to myself. He will feel my wrath! Shout out to Dirth the Unchosen!! I sold him short. Uttering that phrase felt pretty good.
“Are you kidding me? That’s the first place she’ll look for you,” he declares with a shake of his head. His hair falls perfectly in place. I’ve got to give it to him, he has great hair. I try to finger comb my own and my fingers immediately get snagged in the tangles.
Oz doesn’t even have the decency to pretend not to see it. He whips out his phone and snaps a photo. “I’ll send that to Pink later,” he winks at me. “You know, tease him with the sight of you,” he snickers.
“Gee, I wonder why Bea is interested in you,” I muse. “I guess I can see how even Titus would seem appealing in comparison.”
“Oh, you’re one to talk. Tell me, do you save bathing for special occasions or is it strictly a once a year thing for you?” He’s a jackass. I don’t smell that bad. Do I? I try to, casual like, sniff my armpit. Okay, not pleasant but it could be worse.
Oz sta
rts fake gagging. At least I think it’s fake. “Put that down! I can’t breathe,” he says as he lowers the window. Whatever. It’s not that bad. Really!
“If that bothers you, you are ridiculously weak.” It’s the truth. Zombies are made of sterner stuff.
He whips his head in my direction his glare harsh and his cheeks red with embarrassment. Interesting. Apparently I inadvertently hit a bullseye. Boo-yah!! The Ninja Assassin strikes again. In case you were wondering. That’s me!
“I’m not weak! You just stink,” he shouts.
I chuckle. “How are you supposed to take down the Dragon Lady when you can’t even handle a little B.O.,” I chuckle. “Well, hopefully Bibidee Bea will be there to save you again.”
Oops. Now I’ve really done it. His eyes have pinpoints of light circling in them and the car is filled with some kind of golden smoke. “She did not save me,” he hisses. His voice is icy cold. Literally. I can feel it on my skin.
“Right,” I say with a wink. “You were with her in ‘spirit’.” I use air quotes around the last word.
“What the hell does Pink see in you?” He looks honestly baffled. It’s a valid question that I don’t really have an answer to. I’ve wondered the same thing many times this last week. I’ve yet to come up with a feasible answer.
I answer in a way that only Pink would understand. “Character and charm.” It’s as good an answer as anything else.
Oz looks as though he might ask a follow up question then just shakes his head and exits the car. It looks like we’re home.
The funny thing is, Oz’s house wasn’t even here a couple of weeks ago. He constructed it completely from magic when he moved here. When the sun hits it a certain way it looks like it’s made of scales. It glows with iridescent shades of green and purple.
The inside looks like it was taken directly from the pages of a magazine. I’m pretty sure that’s true. It kind of looks like something I saw in House Beautiful when I was at Molly’s house. All the furniture is white. I’m a little afraid to even get close to it.