Melt My Heart

by Bethany Rutter

  I’m barely through the front door before Daisy bounds down the stairs to ask me if I want to join her and her friend Erin to see some film about a genetically engineered crocodile tearing up LA. Alas, I have plans.

  Daisy shrugs. ‘I’m mostly going so I can see if that guy I like is there.’

  ‘You mean you’re not going for the genetically engineered crocodile?!’ I ask in mock surprise.

  ‘A little from column A, a little from column B.’

  ‘I can’t believe you two are abandoning your old mum on a Friday night!’ Mum says, appearing at the top of the stairs like a meerkat from its hole.

  I tilt my head skeptically. ‘You’re not that old …’

  ‘Sweet of you to say. Anyway, I’m meeting Jade at the Lighthouse.’ Mum grew up here too, and even though most of her friends have moved away, a few, like Jade, remain. Jade is always trying to get Mum to go out and meet guys. Something Daisy and I pretend to disapprove of but actually very much support. Especially since we’re both moving out at the end of the summer. Maybe it’s naive of me to think Mum will be bored without us, but also, maybe I’m right, and the thought of the cottage being empty and my bed not being slept in and most of my stuff being somewhere else so far away …

  ‘Lily?’ I realize Mum’s been talking to me.

  ‘Sorry?’ I ask, breezily.

  ‘I was just asking what you’re up to tonight.’

  ‘Oh, just going for a drink in town.’

  ‘Have fun!’ Mum says as she bounds out the door. She’s pretty laid back as mums go, but she does like to know the bare minimum.

  Daisy turns back to me. ‘Who are you going with? Oh wait, I love this game. Let me guess … hmm,’ she says, furrowing her brow in mock concentration. I involuntarily huff. ‘Is it Cassie?’

  ‘Is that a problem?’ I ask wearily.

  ‘No, it’s just … you used to know other people. You used to have other friends! Now you never see them! When was the last time you saw Molly or Aminah from school, even?’

  ‘I’ve seen them …’ I haven’t seen them. It’s just that everything changed when I got to college. I started to feel freer. I hated my GCSEs because I had to take so many subjects I wasn’t even good at and didn’t care about, and then I got to college and was able to whittle them down to only things I was into. And it was the same with my friends, I guess. There’s nothing wrong with my friends from school, though – they’re really cool girls. But when I met Cassie I just … didn’t feel like I needed anyone else.

  ‘I’m just worried that when you go to uni in September you won’t be able to survive without her,’ Daisy says, gently. It’s like she’s managed to read my mind even though I haven’t really shared any of my fears with her. This is a twin thing I could do without. This unspoken psychic bond. This … knowability. It makes me feel predictable. ‘It’s like you’ve narrowed your focus on the world down to such a small area. And the world’s going to get bigger really suddenly in a couple of months.’

  ‘Fine, I’ll text Molly from school and see if she wants to do something, if that’ll make you feel reassured about my future,’ I say, taking my phone out of my pocket and typing a text to my old friend asking if she’s free this weekend. I might not actually want to meet up with her, but I can’t only do the things I want to do. It’s outside of my comfort zone! Therefore it must be worth my while! ‘I’m going to get ready to meet Cassie at the Crown.’

  ‘Wasn’t it only a week ago I was trying to get you to come to the Crown with me, Sasha and Lou?’ Daisy asks, a little accusatory.

  ‘Yeah.’ I shrug. ‘I wasn’t feeling like it. Enjoy the silly film! I hope you get to creep on your crush!’ I pound up the stairs.

  CHAPTER THREE

  On the one hand, we’re only going to the Crown, but on the other hand, it’s a Friday night so I should probably scrub up a little. Getting ready to go out is one of the only times I wish my sister and I were the same size: it would mean double the clothes. It’s not as if I’m short of things to wear though, so I shouldn’t complain. And it’s one less thing for me to miss when I go to uni.

  I settle on a cute black T-shirt dress with bare legs and trainers, and swipe on some mascara, bronzer and pinky-beige lipstick. Gotta let those freckles shine through! I run a paddle brush through my hair before throwing it down on the bed as if I’m not just going to have to move it when I return after a few pints.

  As I pass the row of beautiful Georgian townhouses that run along the seafront with an unobstructed view of the water, I bathe in the warm glow of the lights coming from the living rooms. It reminds me of a Magritte painting with the sky still kind of bright and the buildings in shadow, with the exception of the illuminated windows. Suddenly, something about the encroaching darkness makes me quicken my pace.

  As I approach the Crown, I see Cassie walking towards me from the opposite direction. One thing about us? We’re always on time for everything.

  ‘Hello angel!’ Cassie greets me with a hug even though I only saw her a couple of hours ago. I hold her at arm’s length, my hands on her shoulders, to look at her outfit. A grey linen sundress with wide straps and a square neckline which she’s made herself, but looks like something discerning London ladies would pay top dollar for in one of the little boutiques at the ‘cool’ end of the high street.

  ‘Perfection!’ I yell, throwing my head back.

  ‘Ugh, you say that like you don’t always look absolutely perfect, you monster,’ says Cassie, rolling her eyes, exasperated but loving it.

  ‘It’s true though! You’ve done it again. Your mind!’ I say as we enter the raucous, sticky-floored pub. ‘What a perfect Friday night it is.’

  ‘Maybe we can even …’ Cassie raises her eyebrows expectantly.

  ‘Sit outside?’ I finish. There is simply nothing Cassie loves more than a pub garden.

  Cassie spins around and grabs me enthusiastically by the cheeks, holding my face in her hands. ‘You know me so well!’

  The garden, with its overhead heaters and twinkly lights, is one of the Crown’s redeeming features, even if the benches are a little bit splintery.

  ‘What do you want to drink?’ I ask when we reach the bar.

  ‘What do you think?’ Cassie replies. She’s right. I didn’t need to ask.

  ‘One pint of your cheapest lager for my friend here,’ I say to the barman. ‘And a vodka, lemon and lime, please.’ I produce some cash from my purse but somehow it turns out to be even cheaper than I expected. Bless the Crown and all who drink in her.

  As we make our way outside, we see a few girls from college sitting at a table in the neon glow of the slot machines. We wave but make no actual effort to go over and say hi.

  ‘What’s the name of the girl in the red top again?’ Cassie asks as we sit down in a prime spot: with a wall to lean against and under a heat lamp in case it gets too chilly out here.

  ‘The one in the pink top is … I want to say … Aisha? And the other one is Naomi? I think?’

  ‘You really never forget anyone, do you?’

  ‘It’s one of my few natural talents,’ I say, sipping my drink.

  ‘One of many,’ Cassie corrects. ‘I know I’m going to sound mega old but … isn’t it nice to sit down?’

  I hoot with laughter. ‘You sound ancient, but honestly I never appreciated the pure joy of sitting down until I started working at the ice-cream stand!’

  ‘A blessing that we’re both naturally drawn to sensible shoes.’

  ‘Yes, but remember when sensible shoes nearly killed me?!’

  ‘We wouldn’t be here without your horrible injury,’ Cassie says, taking another sip of her icy-cold beer. She shudders. ‘Ugh, I remember the way you were properly limping on the first day of college. Who tries to break in Dr Martens on an already very stressful day? Thank god I carry plasters. I looked at you hobbling on your way to our first politics class and thought, I must save her!’ Cassie clutches her chest dramatically.

 
; ‘God, that was such a HUGE day for me. It was the first time I’d been separated from Daisy since, I guess, before we were even invented.’ It was weird going from a tiny girls’ school where I knew everyone, to taking the bus along to Seaforth for college. My school didn’t offer A level art, so I couldn’t really stay anyway. But being split up from Daisy for the first time in our lives was really weird. ‘My shadow was gone! My Daisy-shaped shadow. My default person.’ I shake my head, remembering, a hollow feeling developing in the pit of my stomach at the thought of next year. Not just sitting in different classrooms a few miles away, but living properly separate lives.

  ‘But then you got a new default person.’ Cassie shrugs, casually.

  I think, but don’t say, The coolest girl I’d ever seen. A gold nose ring, cat-eye glasses, a bouncy twist-out in a deep side parting, a shiny gold backpack to match the art portfolio she had spray-painted gold and always wearing bright, bold patterns (clothes which I would later discover she made herself, because she’s that cool). ‘Real-life legend Cassie Palmer turned around from the row in front of me, wordlessly holding out a handful of plasters,’ I say instead.

  ‘Memories! What a saint I am.’

  I don’t say that after I’d put the plasters on the backs of my heels, covering up where the leather had rubbed the skin raw, I tried to focus on the introduction from Miss Sanderson, our Government and Politics teacher, but kept looking over Cassie’s shoulder, realizing that whenever she wasn’t taking notes, she was drawing. I guess for anyone else they would be doodles, but Cassie’s were like tiny little sketches. Even though I was sitting a metre or so away, I could see that they were faithful renderings of people in the class. A page of notes surrounded by little faces. I wanted to know her.

  ‘And the rest is history!’ I say. I’d sidled up to her after the class to thank her, and to ask if she was going to be in my art class too, which I’d rightly assumed from the portfolio. We became so close so fast that I barely noticed the weeks slipping by and the fact that weekend after weekend would pass without me seeing my old friends from school. If I say she’s not just my best friend but kind of my only friend, it sounds a bit sad, but it doesn’t feel sad to me. Should I try to broaden my horizons? Probably. Would I rather not? Definitely.

  Two rounds down, I leap to my feet as soon as our empty glasses hit the table. ‘Another?’

  ‘Well … it would be rude not to, wouldn’t it?’ Cassie says with a lopsided grin. She’s cute when she’s tipsy.

  ‘So rude.’

  I make my way to the bar and find myself queuing next to Aisha. ‘Hey!’

  ‘Oh, hey Lily! How are you? I haven’t seen you in ages!’ The music is too loud in here and we have to yell to make ourselves heard.

  ‘Yeah, I dropped history for A level so I guess we wouldn’t have any other classes together. But I’m fine! Trying to make the most of our last summer.’ I shrug, somehow able to say ‘last summer’ without spiralling. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Yeah, all good thanks,’ she says, wrapping her small hands precariously around three glasses of rosé. ‘Are you here with … Callie?’

  ‘Cassie,’ I correct her.

  ‘Cassie, that’s right!’ Aisha rolls her eyes at her own forgetfulness. ‘I didn’t know you two were still together.’

  ‘What?’ I furrow my brow, sure that I misheard her over the volume of the music and the Friday night crowd.

  ‘It’s nice you two are still together,’ she enunciates clearly into my ear.

  ‘Oh … we’re not—’

  ‘It was nice to see you! Better order before someone nicks your place.’ And with that she’s gone.

  As the barman pours our drinks, I turn her words over in my head. Cassie and I are just friends, everyone knows that.

  I slowly make my way back to the beer garden with the drinks. As I approach I realize Cassie isn’t alone and my chest automatically tightens in defence. I can’t be bothered to deal with random guys tonight, I just want to hang out with her. We normally get left alone and that’s kind of how I like it.

  ‘These gentlemen asked if they could join us on this table as the pub is so busy tonight,’ Cassie says.

  ‘Sure,’ I say as gamely as I can manage, setting the glasses down and sizing up the invaders.

  ‘This is Jack,’ says Cassie, nodding to the guy opposite her, and he does a little salute as he sips his pint, caught slightly off-guard by the introduction. He seems fairly harmless, so I guess he can stay.

  ‘Hello Jack, I’m Lily,’ I say, taking my place next to Cassie. Jack’s not bad-looking I guess – he’s got some pretty stylish glasses and a mop of fair hair.

  ‘And this is Cal,’ Cassie says, gesturing towards the taller guy with dark hair who’s texting someone furiously. He drops his phone on the table and looks up at me and just like that I’m gone. Oh no. He’s beautiful. I can’t focus on anything except the pounding in my chest. Cal smiles broadly and extends his hand towards me and I feel like my heart could melt. My insides are fizzy. What’s happening to me?! I interrupt my gawping to look down at his hand and realize I’m meant to do something.

  ‘Hello, Cal, I’m still Lily,’ I say finally, taking his hand and shak-ing it. ‘My, what a strong grip you have.’

  ‘So,’ says Cal. ‘How do you two occupy yourselves?’ As he speaks I realize he has a strong New Zealand accent. It makes me smile involuntarily.

  ‘We are saleswomen,’ I say with a flourish of my hand, like a game show hostess showing off some exciting prizes.

  ‘Oh, really?’ Cal says, raising his eyebrows, a light dancing in his eyes. ‘What do you sell?’

  ‘Cassie here is an ice-cream heiress.’ I shrug, nonchalantly. She swats at my arm.

  ‘Heiress!’ Cassie dissolves into laughter.

  ‘This is not just any Cassie. This is Cassie Palmer, heiress to the Palmer’s Ices fortune, I tell you,’ I say, banging my hand on the table for emphasis.

  ‘I had no idea we were in the company of an heiress, Jack! Of all the tables we could have sat at …’ Cal shakes his head slowly, marvelling. Jack just smiles warmly.

  ‘So you’re not from around here?’ I ask.

  Cal smiles and my stomach does a little flip. I remember to check in with my face muscles to ensure I’m not grinning wildly. ‘I’m from as far away from here as it’s possible to be.’

  ‘And you, Jack?’

  ‘Not me,’ he says quietly, looking a little embarrassed. ‘I’m only from Seaforth.’ He gives off a calmer, less exuberant energy than the gorgeous Cal.

  ‘Nothing wrong with that!’ Cassie says, clinking her glass against his.

  I was sceptical about having our evening interrupted by two random dudes, but they’re kind of great. We chat and laugh and every so often I catch Cal’s eye and part of me wonders if he’s looking at me the way I think he’s looking at me. I want to text Cassie under the table to ask if I’m imagining things, but every time I get my phone ready in my hands, I’m distracted by the chemistry between Cassie and Jack. And then Cal says something brilliant and I forget about texting Cassie all together.

  After a while, Jack surveys the empty glasses on the table. ‘Another?’

  I sigh theatrically. ‘Go on then.’ Cassie and Cal aren’t going to turn down another either.

  As soon as Jack has rounded up the glasses and headed for the bar, Cassie reaches across the table and gently touches Cal’s hand in a motion that briefly makes me burn with a jealousy so surprising I don’t know where it comes from.

  ‘Would you excuse us for just a moment?’ Cassie says, smiling sweetly, retracting her hand. ‘Lady business.’

  ‘I wouldn’t dream of getting between you two and lady business.’ He sits back and puts his hands behind his head in a pose of extreme relaxation.

  Cassie takes me by the arm and drags me to the bathroom. I wonder if some other girl is going to come and talk to him while we’re gone. It all seems a bit too good to be true.

 
‘Well, well, well,’ she says, pulling the bathroom door closed behind me, ‘what do we have here?’

  ‘Uhhh, too soon to tell.’ Cassie is all systems go but I’m much too sceptical about … well, guys. The way the world works. ‘But … I guess maybe I kind of felt like maybe Cal was checking me out?’

  ‘Oh yeah, maybe!’ Cassie’s face is disbelieving yet deeply imploring. ‘You shouldn’t be so surprised! It’s literally not that surprising that two cute guys would like us.’

  ‘Would like you! That wouldn’t be surprising,’ I say, realizing as soon as it comes out of my mouth how whiny and pathetic it sounds.

  She looks at me, distinctly unimpressed. ‘Come on. It’s not like it’s a breeze for me trying to meet people in this weird, sneaky, racist little world.’ My stomach clenches with embarrassment.

  ‘Yeah, you’re right, I’m sorry,’ I say, looking down at my feet. ‘It’s just very easy for me to fixate on all the ways I’m not good enough.’

  ‘I can’t let you talk about my best friend like this. Nope.’

  ‘But just think about it. It’s not like I ever have much luck with guys, right?’

  ‘Only because they’re invariably pathetic worms who don’t deserve the time of day. These two seem alright!’

  ‘I guess I’m just a bit put off by my track record,’ I say, thinking of the few times I’ve been out with this guy I met at a party. A fumble in a dark bathroom. Boring conversation. No chemistry. No joy. Just going through the motions.

  ‘That’s the past! This is the present! And the future! Besides, Daisy isn’t here!’ It’s like she can read my mind. ‘So stop coming up with excuses! There’s no need for them! This is the Lily Rose Show. No Daisy to speak of!’ Cassie says, clapping her hands together decisively. ‘I’ve got a concept for you.’