Melt My Heart

by Bethany Rutter

  It comes as a relief when Cassie leaps up to go to the bathroom and I reposition myself on the sofa. When she returns and sits back down, my body is facing away from her.

  Halfway through the fifth episode, Cassie and I simultaneously get texts from Ines in our A-level art class, telling us that everyone’s going to the Crown tonight and then taking the bus to the one shitty club in Seaforth. I’m surprised she thought of me, but it makes sense for Cassie to have been invited. She was always a bit more outgoing than me. I guess Ines knew we came as a pair. For now, anyway.

  ‘Shall we?’ Cassie asks.

  ‘Yeah, why not.’ I shrug. I’ll finally get to have a drink and take some pressure off for a few hours. I’m trying not to think too much about the big Going Away situation. I just want to take a day off from the whole thing. ‘Except,’ I say, biting my lip regretfully, ‘I look a bit of a mess, don’t I?’

  ‘I mean, I don’t think so,’ says Cassie with a shrug, ‘but there’s no reason why I can’t loan you something from the Cassie Palmer archives …’ She hoists herself off the sofa and disappears upstairs.

  I’m about to call after her to remind her that we’re simply not the same size, but then she’s back, holding an oversized cocoon dress in a paisley printed cotton. ‘Try it on!’ Cassie urges. ‘This one’s actually made from fabric from, like, a roll, rather than a recycled pillowcase. That’s how you know you’re special.’

  I go out in the hall and try it on, delighted when it fits. It’s beautiful: short and flirty and I feel kind of hot in it. The magic of Cassie Palmer. I return, twirling as I enter the living room, and Cassie gasps. ‘My god, I’m a genius.’

  Our plan for the evening set, we nip back to the corner shop for some booze and drink a couple of cans while Cassie does my eye make-up. I try not to think about how close she is to my face or how warm she is. I definitely do not think about what would happen if I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips to mine. Damn – I’m out of beer.

  We agree on one more drink so we can finish watching the run of episodes we’ve become weirdly invested in while only half paying attention. Even now, Cassie’s on her phone, flicking between watching Insta stories with the sound off and scrolling through her main feed. Suddenly she yelps, ‘Oh my god, look at this!’ and holds the phone up to my face. ‘It’s our poster!’

  She’s right. It is our poster. Under the railway bridge, photographed in broad daylight by Taylor, a pretty, gentle boy with long blond hair, who hardly ever spoke in our politics class but ended up always saying the most interesting things when he did feel emboldened to contribute. The only caption is a yellow emoji fist of solidarity.

  ‘It feels funny knowing they’re out there and people are seeing them, right?’ I ask, smiling.

  ‘Yeah! I’m so hyped that people are responding to them!’ Cassie’s beaming. ‘I know, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t much. But it was something.’

  When we get to the Crown that evening, a large group of people from college are already congregated around a booth. Many are halfway through a drink already.

  ‘You came!’ Ines says, extending her arms to us. She’s all big eyes and charmingly gappy front teeth and seems genuinely pleased to see us. ‘I didn’t think you would!’

  ‘Why’s that?’ I ask.

  ‘You two hardly ever came anywhere! Highly party-avoidant.’

  ‘We came to parties sometimes!’ Cassie says, refusing to accept Ines’s assessment.

  ‘Sure,’ Ines says. ‘Sometimes.’

  ‘Anyway, we’re here now,’ I say with a shrug. ‘Cassie, do you want a drink?’ But she’s already been pulled into a conversation with Taylor. I wonder if she’s telling him we were behind the posters. I walk up to the bar and order a glass of wine for myself and a pint for Cassie. I set it down in front of her but accept she’s temporarily lost to me. I feel pathetically untethered. I stand around for a moment, sipping my wine, when Ines reappears at my side.

  ‘So, what are you up to next year?’ she asks. ‘I can’t remember.’

  ‘I’m, uh …’ I swallow hard. It still feels strange to say it, especially now it’s actual reality. ‘I’m going to do art history at Leeds.’

  ‘That’s amazing!’ Ines says. ‘That’ll be so interesting, you’ll love it. You always were more knowledgeable about the background and the theory. The rest of us were just good at making things.’ It feels nice to hear her say that. To know that I stood out to her in some way.

  ‘Thanks for this,’ Cassie says, grabbing my wrist to attract my attention and holding up the pint in the other hand. She turns back to Taylor. I guess we have been hanging out all day so I can’t feel too rejected. What did I expect, that she would just stay with me all night long and I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone except her? I really need to be less pathetic if I’m going to survive in the real world. Which I now know is completely unavoidable. I down my wine in rapid gulps and go to the bar to buy another. Naomi from my AS-level history class appears next to me and I let her pull me into her group of friends without worrying too much what she thinks of me or if I’m saying something stupid.

  I drink some more and then some more and before I know it we’re on the bus to Seaforth. I can barely keep my eyes open but it’s OK because I’m sitting next to Cassie and I want so badly to put my arms around her and lean my head on her shoulder and just fall asleep there. I want to tell her how I feel about her, then disappear so I don’t have to deal with any of the fallout. I don’t want to stick around for the confusion or the mistrust. I just want to press pause on everything and not have to keep moving relentlessly into the future and away from everything I know and love.

  I barely know what I’m talking about with Cassie, but before long we’re all piling off the bus into the warm evening air, cut through with a cooling sea breeze. The group of us, probably about eight or nine now, but I feel too drunk to count, head to the Vault: the dark and dingy club in Seaforth which is open late-late rather than just late. It turns out that everyone else from college had the same idea as us and I pinball between people I vaguely know, drinking a mysterious blue cocktail which is suspiciously cheap.

  I’m trying to force my drunk mind not to think about Cassie at all. But I find that what I think I’m doing and what I’m actually doing aren’t exactly the same. Drunk minds have a way of doing what they want. I have short but enthusiastic conversations with what feels like a vast array of people who I didn’t really speak to at college, but tonight the alcoholic haze and shared emotional academic trauma makes them seem like the best people in the world. Ines’s boyfriend Harry has some kind of surprisingly rich family, which we find out because he produces a flash-looking debit card with a flourish and proceeds to buy us a tray of shots.

  Through it all, I am hyperaware of where Cassie is in the room. It’s like she’s the only source of light and my flickering gaze follows her like a moth to a flame. She’s giggling loosely with Taylor on the edge of the dance floor, her back leaning against a high table. What are they talking about? What is she feeling? I can’t live like this. Someone, maybe Zahra from my English class, pulls me onto the dance floor and we drunkenly sway to the music as I down yet another drink, drowning my fears and feelings. I can’t remember the last time I drank this much – I don’t know if I’ve ever drunk this much. But it’s the night for it, right?

  Cassie throws her head back, laughs, and touches Taylor’s shoulder.

  I just want to forget and suppress and forget and suppress.

  But what if I didn’t.

  What if I just let myself shake off all my inhibitions? What if I just went for it? Would it really be so bad? Maybe it’s the shots talking but … maybe I should just do it. I start to move towards Cassie then stop in my tracks.

  It’s very clear that any minute now, Cassie and Taylor are going to start making out. There’s a fist grabbing at my insides. This is just going to be how it goes, I guess. I’d better get used to it. What am I expectin
g, that she never goes out with anyone for the rest of her life? What right do I have to feel any of this?

  I’m going out of my mind on the dance floor in this dingy club. I turn away, grab another drink and dance and dance around our group until I’m suddenly possessed with the need to talk to Cassie. I can’t stay away from her.

  She’s still deep in conversation with Taylor when I reach out and touch her shoulder. They haven’t kissed.

  ‘Finally!’ Cassie says emphatically, her head rolling slightly. At least it’s not just me that’s feeling messy. Within seconds, Taylor has already wandered off. ‘I thought I wasn’t going to get to dance with you!’

  We dance together, giggling delightedly at the goodness of the pop – ‘How Will I Know’ by Whitney Houston – the very best. I feel softer already, melting into the moment. Maybe things aren’t so bad. Maybe I can live with the fact I struggle to look my own best friend in the face, the fact that I don’t want to go to university, let alone one so far away, and the fact that I’ve essentially been leading on lovely Cal all summer. Maybe I can live with it all.

  Cassie grabs me by the hand and lazily spins me around. I kind of lose my balance and she reaches out a hand to steady me but instead I fall forward into her and she puts her arms around me and holds me tight. She presses her cheek against mine and I feel her breathing.

  ‘I love you, Lily,’ she says.

  ‘I love you, too,’ I say, a little awkwardly. The lights overhead are flashing blue and moving fast.

  ‘No, I really love you …’ Cassie says insistently, like it’s a competition. As if I don’t mean it enough. I tilt my head back to look at her and she’s so beautiful even under these flashing blue disco lights, and now I’ve let myself feel that raw, real love for her big brown eyes and her heavy, black eyebrows and her soft, brown skin and her big thighs and her huge smile and her perfect lips—

  And all of a sudden I kiss her. It happens. It really happens. My arms are around her waist and I can feel that strip of soft skin in the cut out on her purple sundress and her hands are in my hair and I can smell her face cream up close. Everything’s all familiar but I’m seeing it in a new light, from a new angle, so much closer, and it’s the best, scariest feeling I’ve ever felt.

  We’re kissing right here in the middle of the dance floor and we don’t stop for what feels like an eternity and a split second at the same time, but when we eventually pull apart she looks at me with something like horror, runs up the stairs and out of the club.

  SHIT.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  When I wake up on Friday morning it’s actually Friday afternoon. I have no memory of how I got back in my bed, but I’m glad I managed it. My head is pounding and my mouth is dry and—

  Oh god.

  I just remembered.

  I’m going to throw up.

  Oh god. This is the very, very worst.

  I ruined everything.

  That look keeps replaying over and over and over. The raw betrayal in her eyes …

  How could I do it? Why would I do it? Is vodka really that powerful?

  In the cold light of day, of course it’s obviously a huge mistake. Of course I wouldn’t dream of telling Cassie in a million years that I’m in love with her. What possessed me last night?!

  All I had to do was hold on a few more weeks until I was miles away and we would never have had to deal with it at all. But I just couldn’t, could I? I had to indulge some stupid, destructive impulse and now here I am, all self-loathing and hungover at the end of the world.

  I’m going to be sick.

  I roll over and feel around on the floor for my possessions. Yep, all still there. And my phone is even plugged in to charge, which is something that I definitely wouldn’t have done in whatever state I was in last night. I fight the urge to vomit down the side of my bed and roll back into the foetal position, now clutching my phone and squinting at the screen. I can’t believe it’s not broken.

  There are no messages from Cassie at all.

  But there is one from Cal.

  Call me when you wake up.

  Urgh. Poor Cal. I can’t believe I let it go on this long and get this far.

  I don’t call Cal. Instead I lie in bed and look at the ceiling, wishing myself to sleep again so I can ride out this hangover. Or you know, I could just go back in time and not be such a dickhead. I really, really need to see Cassie today. I need to clear the air and explain myself and see if maybe, just maybe, we can get to the part where we can just move on. I’m completely mortified. While I’m laying there, I hear a gentle tap at the door.

  ‘Lily?’ Daisy whispers loudly.

  ‘Come in,’ I croak. She pushes the door open.

  ‘Yikes.’

  ‘Yikes indeed,’ I say, patting the bed next to me for her to come and sit down.

  ‘I can’t believe I finally got to meet my crush … and in such dramatic circumstances!’ I have no idea what she got up to last night, but Daisy clearly isn’t as hungover as I am.

  ‘What do you mean? Which crush?’ I’m looking at her out of one eye, in the hope that if I keep the other one closed the room won’t spin as much.

  ‘Your actual boyfriend?’

  ‘Cal? Where did you meet him?’

  ‘Jesus …’ Lily laughs. ‘Don’t you remember?’

  ‘No …’ Oh god, now what? What fresh hell?

  ‘He brought you back here last night when you were too drunk to like … do anything. He said you called him rambling and crying in a drunken mess. He went and picked you up and propped you up on the bus and made sure you didn’t vomit or get hit by a car or anything.’ Now I really want to cry.

  ‘God. This isn’t really like me, is it?’

  ‘No, not really,’ says Daisy. ‘I thought we were having a pretty wild time at Katie Lewis’s party but you really went there.’

  ‘I honestly want to die. Please, Daisy, kill me. It would be an act of love. An act of mercy,’ I say, reaching up to put my hand on her shoulder.

  ‘It’s just a hangover, you’ll live.’

  ‘But I don’t want to,’ I wail.

  ‘No choice. You’ve got to. I need you,’ Daisy says, at which point I hear another knock at the door. I’d forgotten Mum would be here. It’s her day off.

  ‘So you’re alive!’ she says, brandishing a bottle of Lucozade and joining us on the already cramped bed. It reminds me of when we were little and me and Daisy would leap into bed with Mum at the slightest opportunity, just to be close to her. That thought makes me want to cry too.

  ‘I was just saying to Daisy that I would quite like to opt out of that.’

  ‘It is just a hangover, and I don’t want to be “that mum” but please don’t do that again, especially not when you’re off at university and there’s no nice boy to pick you up and bring you home safely,’ she says. She puts a hand on my head. And I burst into tears.

  ‘Oh my god, what’s wrong?!’ Daisy looks pale and horrified.

  ‘It’s not so bad! It’s only a hangover! I just don’t want anything to happen to you!’ Mum exclaims.

  ‘It’s all such a mess,’ I say through loud sniffles. The floodgates are open. It’s all coming out now. Including me. ‘I don’t want to go to university! I just felt like it was something I had to do because Daisy was doing it and it would make you proud of me. I just want to stay here and keep painting and figure out what to do next. I don’t want to leave next month, I really don’t,’ I ramble semi-coherently. ‘And I did something really bad last night and I’ve messed everything up and I just don’t want to leave the house ever again or see anyone or do anything. I want to hide forever.’

  ‘But … you’re you,’ says Daisy. ‘You couldn’t have done anything that bad!’

  ‘I really did, ugh, I hate myself, I hate everything.’

  ‘Just tell us,’ Mum urges. ‘It’s what we’re here for.’

  I sigh, my whole body shuddering. I’m not used to having to tell people things. I
never usually have anything to tell. ‘I … kissed Cassie. Which is obviously terrible because she’s my best friend and because of Cal. I feel like the worst person, I can’t believe I did it.’

  Mum and Daisy nod thoughtfully.

  ‘We’ll come back to the Cal thing in a moment,’ says Mum. ‘But I just want to check, so we’re on the same page, that the problem isn’t so much that you kissed Cassie – but the problem, as you see it, is that … you meant it?’

  I nod silently. I hate that this is such an unfamiliar thing for me. I hate that I feel so vulnerable, telling people how I’m feeling, being honest with myself. I hate that telling the truth and asking for help could be a new thing. But it is.

  ‘OK,’ says Mum. ‘I get it, I get why that feels like a big thing.’

  ‘And you’re upset because you’re worried about hurting your friendship with her,’ Daisy continues.

  ‘Yeah,’ I sniffle.

  ‘That figures,’ she says, before adding quickly, ‘I mean, not that I think you’re right, but I just get where you’re coming from. That’s a natural problem to anticipate.’

  ‘I guess I just felt sort of … filtered towards boys, like that was just how it was going to go. I never really thought too much about it, because obviously I do like boys. But I guess I like girls too. And then Cal came along and obviously he’s such a catch,’ I say, finally no longer crying.

  ‘Ha!’ Daisy says, smiling.

  ‘I know, I know …’ I muster a smile too. ‘And I guess it felt nice to be wanted in that way, you know? I’ve always felt kind of … behind. But I think maybe that was just because I was sort of fumbling around, not really sure what I was looking for.’ What I don’t need to say, because I know Daisy understands, is that it felt nice to be wanted in that way by someone Daisy wanted. But what good is it to be wanted by someone that you don’t want? Where does that actually get you?