The SMALL TALK CODE
THE SECRETS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL CONVERSATIONALISTS
ALSO AVAILABLE
HOW TO START CONVERSATIONS LIKE A BOSS
HOW TO MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION LIKE A BOSS
HOW TO BE CONFIDENT LIKE A BOSS
HOW TO TALK BUSINESS LIKE A BOSS
The SMALL TALK CODE
THE SECRETS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL CONVERSATIONALISTS
GREGORY PEART, M.ED
AURELIUS BOOKS
Copyright © 2018 by Geoffrey Peart
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by
any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior
written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and
certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. Any questions or comments should be directed
to the contact information below:
Aurelius Books
Brighton, MI 48116
[email protected]
[email protected]
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter
covered. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not a licensed therapist, and all advice is based on
his own experiences. If you need professional help, please seek out resources in your area.
Book Cover Design and Layout ©2018 Geoffrey Peart
The small talk code: the secrets of highly successful conversationalists/ Geoffrey "Gregory" Peart — 1st ed.
ISBN-13: 978-1-7321791-5-8
To the most important bosses in my life:
M, K, and R.
SPEAK IN SUCH A WAY THAT
OTHERS LOVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.
LISTEN IN SUCH A WAY THAT
OTHERS LOVE TO SPEAK TO YOU.
—ZIG ZIGLAR
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY
THAT IF YOU DIG LONG ENOUGH
AND HARD ENOUGH, YOU WILL GET
TO CHINA, AND THAT MAY BE
TRUE. BUT WHAT THEY DON'T TELL
YOU IS THAT IF YOU DIG LONG
ENOUGH AND HARD ENOUGH IN A
CONVERSATION, YOU GET TO A
FRIEND.
—"MICHAELSCOTT' IN NBC'S THEOFFICE
CONTENTS
WHO ARE THE HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL CONVERSATIONALISTS?
A LITTLE NOTE ABOUT MAKING SMALL TALK
SECTION 1: PREPARING FOR SMALL TALK SUCCESS
1. BOSSES OPTIMIZE THEIR LIFE FOR SUCCESS
2. BOSSES ACCEPT THE SMALL TALK MINDSET
3. BOSSES DON'T OVERTHINK IT
4. BOSSES SEE THE HIDDEN SCRIPTS OF CONVERSATION
5. BOSSES UNDERSTAND THE FIRST LEVEL OF SMALL TALK
6. BOSSES UNDERSTAND THE SECOND LEVEL OF SMALL TALK
7. BOSSES UNDERSTAND THE THIRD LEVEL OF SMALL TALK
8. BOSSES ALTERNATE BETWEEN SERIOUS AND PLAYFUL
9. BOSSES FIX MAJOR PERSONALITY FLAWS FIRST
10. BOSSES DON'T FORGET THE NONVERBAL
11. BOSSES MAKE OTHERS FEEL GOOD
12. BOSSES FOCUS ON EMOTION MORE THAN FACTS
SECTION 2: INITIATING NEW TOPICS
13. BOSSES GO FIRST AND GAIN THE ADVANTAGE
14. BOSSES MAINTAIN WITH FEELER STATEMENTS
15. BOSSES CONNECT QUICKLY
16. BOSSES AREN'T AFRAID TO BE GENUINE
17. BOSSES FOLLOW THE FOOFAAE FRAMEWORK
18. FOOFAAE: A CASE STUDY
SECTION 3: MASTERING THE FOOFAAE FRAMEWORK
19. BOSSES ARE COMFORTABLE WITH FEELINGS
20. BOSSES ARE SUPER OBSERVANT
21. BOSSES ARE OPINIONATED
22. BOSSES SPRINKLE OPINIONS ON EVERYTHING
23. BOSSES ADJUST THEIR OPINIONS ACCORDINGLY
24. BOSSES PASS THE OPINION SPEED TEST
25. BOSSES OFFER PLAYFUL OPINIONS
26. BOSSES ARE FACT HUNTERS
27. BOSSES KNOW HOW TO TAPP
28. BOSSES ARE ACTION ORIENTED
29. BOSSES MASTER THEIR OWN AUTOBIOGRAPHY
30. THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY WORKSHEET
31. BOSSES MAINTAIN WITH EVENT TIMELINES
32. BOSSES MASTER THEIR OWN EVENT TIMELINE
SECTION 4: KEEPING A CONVERSATION FLOWING
33. BOSSES STEER WITH CONTROL COMMENTS
34. BOSSES KEEP THE FLOW WITH SMALL TALK FILLERS
35. BOSSES CONTROL WITH QUESTIONS
36. BOSSES ASK FLOW QUESTIONS
37. BOSSES ASK THE FULL RANGE OF FOOFAAE QUESTIONS
38. BOSSES MAINTAIN THE FLOW WITH QUESTION ASSISTANTS
39. BOSSES PAINT INTERESTING SELF-PORTRAITS
40. BOSSES DISCLOSE SMALL CHUNKS
41. BOSSES PAINT SELF-PORTRAITS CONTAINING FRIENDS
42. BOSSES OWN THEIR FLAWS
SECTION 5: CONNECTING AND GROWING SMALL TALK
43. BOSSES KNOW HOW TO CONNECT
44. BOSSES KNOW HOW TO CONNECT WITH FOOFAAE
45. BOSSES LOOK FOR FREE INFORMATION
46. BOSSES DEVELOP THEIR KEYWORD RADAR
47. BOSSES HUNT FOR HOT BUTTONS
48. BOSSES OFFER SOMETHING TO CHEW ON
49. BOSSES SPRINKLE IN CONNECTABLE KEYWORDS
50. BOSSES MAINTAIN SMALL TALK WITH CONNECTABLE COMMENTS
51. BOSSES MAINTAIN SMALL TALK WITH CONNECTABLE OPINIONS
52. BOSSES ENGAGE WITH LIGHT PROBLEMS
53. BOSSES AREN'T CONNECTION BLOCKERS
54. BOSSES KNOW THE GOLDEN RATIO OF CONVERSATION
55. BOSSES ARE FANTASTIC LISTENERS
56. BOSSES ECHO MESSAGES
57. BOSSES HELP A TOPIC GROW
58. BOSSES CAN CARRY A CONVERSATION
CONVERSATION SAMPLES
WHO ARE THE HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL CONVERSATIONALISTS?
Think about the last time you met a stranger who had you laughing within seconds. After a few minutes, you
felt truly understood. You felt important. When the interaction ended, you thought to yourself, "What a cool
person!"
You may have been in the presence of a highly successful conversationalist. For the sake of simplicity, I
refer to highly successful conversationalists as bosses throughout this book.
A boss is that person capable of captivating entire rooms full of people. A boss is that person who always
appears confident and in control, but not conceited. That person who has their shit together. That person
other people aspire to be like. They aren't always good-looking models, but they're definitely role models.
Bosses naturally gravitate toward traditional "corporate boss" roles, but some bosses prefer to go rogue as
entrepreneurs or consultants. That's the thing about bosses: they have choices. They go after what they want,
and they get what they want. People want to be like them, work with them, and work for them.
The truth is, we all experience our own boss-like moments. However, some people consistently act like a
boss. It's easy to be envious of another person's social prowess and seemingly magical conversation skills. But
the fact is, bosses can't usually explain how they do it. (Trust me, I have asked quite a few!) You might as well
ask a bottlenose dolphin how it learned to swim so well. This book unravels the mystery behind the success of
bosses—what they do differently than most peop
le.
How do I know all the answers? I don't know everything, but I've worked for, with, and over hundreds of
bosses over the years. And because I'm slightly obsessed with social dynamics and the improvement of
conversation skills, I've taken notes on my experiences and observations over the past fifteen years. This book
builds on the research and analysis of over 17,000 genuine social interactions in personal and professional
settings. So yes, I know what it takes to become a boss. By studying (and practicing) the habits of the bosses, you'll
know it, too. And you'll move closer to becoming one yourself.
Improved people skills directly translate to greater career success, better friendships, and a more satisfying
life. That's pretty much what we all want, isn't it?
I know what it's like to be a shy guy without many friends or any career success. And I know how to climb
out of that sad existence into a much better life. Granted, my books are written from a male's perspective and
intended to help men improve their careers, relationships, and confidence. However, I believe most of the
insights are beneficial to both sexes.
I created the Like a Boss social skills books and trainings to help you enjoy a life of choice, a life of
confidence, and a life of happiness. Being a boss requires a mindset shift. Being a boss requires building new
habits. If you're ready, I will show you how to become the best 'you' that you can be.
SIDE NOTE
Also, all examples come from 100% genuine, free-range organic conversations and weren't grown from
linguistic studies in a lab environment. Names have been changed to protect everyone's privacy.
A BRIEF NOTE
ABOUT MAKING
SMALL TALK
"I hate small talk!" my wife exclaimed. "I'd rather just get to the interesting stuff." She is certainly not alone.
But, why is small talk disliked by so many? I've certainly been guilty of harboring disdain for idle chit-chat, but
I've since changed my tune. (I'm also guilty of frequently switching metaphors, but we all have our quirks!)
There are two primary reasons people don't like small talk:
1. It seems as if it doesn't accomplish anything.
2. It involves more self-disclosure than many private or introverted people are comfortable with.
Both are fair points. But to generalize small talk as only idle chit-chat is selling it short. Small talk comes in
a range of shapes and sizes. Bosses understand that it serves a few very important objectives. Primarily, small
talk is what gets the conversational ball rolling. Without small talk, it's hard to get to deeper, more meaningful
discussions.
Small talk is an inevitability of life. Millions of business deals have been signed, millions of friendships have
been formed, and millions of relationships have been turned to romance, all because of small talk. In essence,
become proficient in small talk or get left behind socially and professionally.
If you're not good at small talk, it may seem like an amorphous puzzle that you can't quite figure out. It's
especially frustrating when some people make it seem so easy. The good news is that small talk is easy, once
you practice and learn a few core techniques. By the end of this book, you'll not only develop a new
appreciation for small talk, but the skills to upgrade your conversations to the next level.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
Each section contains a practice section called Use It or Lose It designed to challenge yourself and help you
internalize each skill. Many self-help books dedicate a lot of pages to a few techniques, but not this book. In
fact, if you simply read through the book without taking a break to practice and absorb each technique, you
may quickly become overwhelmed.
Applying the lessons will help further reinforce and solidify the concepts. Some of you may choose to
continue reading past them into the next chapter, and that's fine too, but this is my simple reminder to make
an effort to apply the concepts you learn in each chapter if you want to see real results. Reading without
application will only take you so far. For example, there are opportunities to practice dialogue throughout the
book—you'll benefit more if you practice out lout instead of only in your head. Okay that's enough reminders
for now, are you ready to start becoming a boss?
PREPARING FOR SMALL TALK SUCCESS
1.
BOSSES OPTIMIZE
THEIR LIVES FOR
SUCCESS
You have greater control over your social destiny than you realize.
Hippie: Whoa! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Hippie: What? Shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes.
- Forrest Gump (1994)
Shit happens to everyone. Some things, like cancer, are largely out of your control. But some other things, like
social situations, are much more in your control. Bosses know they have at least some control over life's
seemingly unpredictable events. They intentionally structure and manage their lives in ways that result in
more successful outcomes.
Starting today, start socializing in more places that suit your personality better. Go to more events you feel
comfortable at. Go places where you have the potential to thrive. Maybe for you, book clubs are better than
bars. Or yoga is more fitting than sports arenas. Don't get sucked into uncomfortable situations if you don't
want to go. (Don't feel bad for telling someone "no," but with that said, it's still important to explore the
boundaries of your comfort zone.)
Starting today, socialize with people who are good for you. Stop hanging out with negative, critical people
who may be slowly eating away at your confidence or ego. Stop hanging out with people who sap your energy
and never give any back. Listen to your gut. Don't ignore your instincts just because a person is good-looking or
charming. If you feel you're in a onesided relationship, it may be time to focus on better friends or to find new
friends.
Starting today, control your conversations so they work to your advantage. Introduce topics that bring out
your conversational strengths. Learn how to introduce subjects that you're more comfortable with. When you
take the lead in a conversation, you get to choose the content and direct the discussion. You gain home-field
advantage. And you dramatically increase your odds of having a better conversation.
Starting today, ensure your body language—your posture, gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, and use
of space—is helping and not hurting your efforts to connect. Your social interactions start before you even say
a word. Make sure your clothes are on-point, your posture is solid, your smile is sometimes showing, your scent
is nice, and your voice is clear. Overlooking the non-verbal aspects of an interaction can undermine everything
else you're trying to accomplish.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Identify one seemingly "uncontrollable" aspect of your social interactions and take charge of it. Are there
particular places or situations in which you may find it easier or more productive to interact socially? Are
there individuals or types of people who might give you a better stage for conversation? Are there particular
topics that better interest or suit you? Is there anything you might change about your body language to better
engage people?
2.
BOSSES ACCEPT
THE SMALL TALK
MINDSET
Keep your expectations low when it comes to small talk.
Many of you reading this have high standards for conversation. I know I used to. Well, it's time to lower your
expectations and goals and adopt the small talk mindset. Half of the small talk "skill" isn't anything practical-
it's mental. The best small talk is fast and free flowing-if you overthink it, you'll be slow and too calculated.
Lower the pressure to perform and impress and your nerves will inevitably relax.
Successful small talk stems from training your brain to be less picky. It's about being okay with occasionally
making a mistake or saying something silly. Spontaneous comments are often the most authentic, interesting,
and fun. Subsequently laughing at your mistakes is all part of the small talk game.
As long as you stick to "safe topics" (e.g. weather, sports, animals, food or drink), then say what first comes
to mind. Small talk is about acting on your feelings and initial thoughts without overanalyzing. Small talk is
about delighting in the small moments and small joys in life.
If you have trouble coming up with something to say, you're likely putting up too many mental road
blocksexpressions can't escape past all the "that's too stupid," or "that won't work," or "that's not clever
enough" inner doubts. Do you find that conversations with your closest friends are better than with people
whom you know less well? That's because you take down your mental roadblocks when you're talking with
your friends.
Realize that although people value social interaction, most struggle with starting conversations, so they
very much appreciate when you make the initial effort. You're taking pressure off another person. After all,
who doesn't want friends, relationships, safety, love, laughter? Give someone a friend. Give yourself a friend.
Maybe you've convinced yourself that someone else wouldn't desire your friendship. Maybe you're a
vampire. I'm not going to pretend to know you or act like you'd make a great friend. What I know for certain is
that there are some people who absolutely would love your friendship. Even if you're a vampire, there are other
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 1