vampires in the world. Maybe you are only meant to be friends with 1 out of every 100 people. If you don't talk
to 100 people, you'll never meet the "1" you're meant to become friends with.
Pay attention to what your automatic goals are—the goals you set without thinking about them. You may
look at that girl at the bar and envision your confident self having a great, engaging conversation, after which
she gives you her number and you set up a date for the upcoming Friday. If you find yourself doing that, STOP
IT. That goal is nearly impossible to achieve—no wonder why your self-defense mechanisms are kicking into
high gear and your warning lights are coming on.
From now on, reframe your unrealistic goals. Make your goal as achievable as possible, while still
accomplishing something. Make a goal to ask ONE question: "Hey, I noticed we're always on the same bus, do you
go to Northern U too?" After that, you're done. Don't feel like you have to try anything else unless you're
seeing some positive signs. Maybe the next time you can start a longer conversation.
Most people don't need jokes or stories to be entertained. Actually, most people don't expect very much at
all, so just being a normal person who can talk about normal stuff is a great start.
People forget 99% of what was initially said during any small talk interaction. Stop focusing so much on the
words you're saying and focus on creating a new relationship. In fact, try to keep your words as simple and
average as possible. Don't rack your brain for the perfect phrase or witty line. Your sense of humor and
cleverness will come through over time—when you form a closer relationship and become more comfortable.
Start small.
Stay genuine and be vulnerable and you'll increase your chances of starting a good conversation. There's no
perfect way to start a conversation, so don't focus on saying the perfect thing. Just making an effort is good
enough. Lead with honesty. Take a chance. Say something silly, something kind, something vulnerable, but
most of all, say something.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
The following two activities will help prepare your mindset for better small talk. Make an effort to verbalize
your comments and avoid practicing only in your mind.
1. Do what improv comedians do and try the "Yes, and..." technique. Next time you're chatting, try forcing
your brain to add a little bit more to the conversation by automatically adding the word "and" to the end of a
thought. This technique essentially compels your brain to press forward and fill the empty space that follows in
a more uninhibited way—even though you feel as if you have nothing left to add! Try it now with the topic of
"cats." Start talking about cats, and right when you feel as if you've run out of words, say "and..." and force
yourself to continue your monologue, no matter how silly you feel. Practice the technique with other topics,
like cars or hotdogs.
2. Pretend I just called you on the phone. In the next few minutes, tell me the boring details of whatyou
have been doing over the past two hours—but speak enthusiastically about it. Talk about the ham sandwich you
made for lunch. Talk about filling your car up with gas. And I'll mention many more times, half the battle is
how you talk, not whatyou actually say. If you are enthusiastic about how good the ham sandwich was, others
will stay engaged! For a while longer at least.
3.
BOSSES DON'T
OVERTHINK IT
Too much analysis leads to paralysis.
When you're shy and you come across someone you want to chat with, your synapses start firing, your
adrenaline starts rushing, and your mind starts screaming comments about what to do or not do. After too
much internal debate, the moment passes, and the person you wanted to chat with disappears forever. We've
all been there. If you're like me, you've probably wondered, "What if...?" What if I actually acted in that
moment? Could that person have changed my life forever? It's certainly possible.
Bosses don't overthink. They know the act of starting a conversation is incredibly simple when broken
down. It often looks something like this:
Person A makes a comment or asks a question to Person B.
Person B responds with a comment.
Person A makes a follow-up comment or asks a question.
Person B responds and possibly returns a question.
Starting a conversation is similar to starting many partner-based activities, such as tennis. Let's say you
walk by a tennis court and see a stranger on the other side holding a racket. Do you make a friendly opening
gesture and lob a ball over the net or not? We all fear rejection—the possibility that the other person may
choose not to hit the ball back. And that's okay. Remember, don't expect or hope for anything. Bosses always
just hit the ball and wait to see what happens. Sometimes the other person hits the ball back, and sometimes
they don't. Bosses know they are good tennis players and can offer a good tennis game if the other person
wants to play. But not everyone wants to play, no matter how good your serve is. You can't worry about that.
You'll never find out if there's a game to be had unless you hit that first ball.
Bosses have the same fears, the same doubts, as everyone else. But they don't see a point in imagining and
dwelling on the worst outcomes. Those feelings only sabotage what might be a beautiful friendship or a great
tennis match.
Bosses just say what comes to their minds at the moment. They just hit the ball. It may bounce awkwardly,
it may go out of bounds, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. Even if they strike out two out of every three
attempts, bosses know that over time, the connections they make will be worth it. Assuming a boss initiates
conversation with 300 people a year, that's 100 successful conversations (and possible connections or
friendships) that otherwise wouldn't have occurred.
Let's look at the three main mental obstacles possibly preventing you from initiating. Sticking with the
tennis metaphor, you see someone across the court with a racket. Should you hit a ball their way? If your head
is blank and you feel paralyzed, there are three likely causes:
1. You're focusing too much on hitting the perfect serve.
2. You're worrying the person won't want to play tennis with you.
3. You're doubting you can keep a game going if the other person actually does want to play.
Just hit the ball. If you don't hit a perfect serve, that's okay. If the other person wants to chat, your shoddy
serve will be fetched, picked up, and hit it back to you.
If the ball isn't hit it back, that's okay, too. You're on your way to becoming a boss because you're actively
on the court and hitting balls.
And if you're worried that you can't continue playing if the other person hits the ball back, that's okay, too.
You don't know how the other person plays—maybe the two of you have completely incompatible playing
styles. Or maybe you end up becoming best friends.
All that matters in the end is that you hit the ball.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Starting today, make an effort to hit the ball more. The more conversations you initiate, the less pressure you'll
place on any single interaction. If you don't initiate many conversations, then you'll place far too much
pressure on those limited times where you badly want to initiate.
Set a target for today: initiate one conversation with a
stranger. Put it in your calendar. Check it off when
you do it and reward yourself with a small treat. Shoot for two conversations tomorrow. Keep track of your
progress. Go for five days in a row! See how long you can keep your streak going. Eventually, striking up
conversations will become a habit.
It's a simple numbers game: the more you practice, the better you'll get. Life constantly offers us
opportunities to practice conversation skills. Strike up conversations with anyone you see: your neighbor, a
cashier, a hair stylist, a restaurant server, etc. Don't overcomplicate it. Don't add unnecessary pressure to have
an amazing conversation. Aim for average. Just make light conversation. Don't try to win any conversation
awards!
The process of learning any new skill may lead you to overthink and question your every move or word.
Learning to make small talk is no different. But with practice, you'll form new habits, and your words and
actions will flow spontaneously. It will happen, it just takes time. When that time comes, you won't even have
to think about how to start a conversation; it will occur naturally.
4.
BOSSES SEE
THE HIDDEN
SCRIPTS OF
CONVERSATION
Most conversations follow socially acceptable scripts and patterns; when you learn to see the scripts and patterns, you can
navigate and control conversations more easily.
Not sure what a conversation script is? Similar to a movie script, it's the structure underpinning a social
interaction. Let's look at an example of a very common one: the gift interaction. At a birthday, baby shower, or
holiday, when someone gives a present, there is a very predictable, culturally-ingrained social exchange. Think
about the last time you were handed a gift— what did you say? Nearly everyone follows a standard script:
Gift Receiver
1. STATES APPRECIATION: Thank you.
2. DESCRIBES GIFT: A reading light, this is great!
3. STATES BENEFIT: I can read my books at night now.
4. RESTATES APPRECIATION: Thank you so much.
Gift Giver
1. ACKNOWLEDGES APPRECIATION: You're welcome.
2. PROVIDES EXPLANATION: I was thinking you could use one of those since you're always reading so much.
You've probably heard or followed a similar script hundreds of times in your life. The gift interaction script
may seem obvious and second nature to you, but there was a point in your life where you didn't quite follow it
yet, and where you were still learning the correct order of things and the correct placement of certain phrases.
Now consider interactions you still feel anxious about— it's likely that you aren't comfortable enough with
the scripts of how they're supposed to play out. For example, anxious about ending conversations? Maybe you
don't have the script quite down yet. Let's look at a solid script for bringing a conversation to a close:
Person Ending the Conversation
1. STATES REASON: Well, I have to go see/do/finish _______.
2. WRAPS-UP/RECAPS: It was great chatting/seeing/doing _______ with you. I'm glad we did _______.
3. REFERENCES FUTURE/WELL-WISHES: We should do sometime. / Good luck with the_______, I'm sure you'll do great!
Questions often follow a logical progression as well. If you ask someone, "What are you majoring in?" you
can expect the person to tell you a major. Then what? A natural follow-up question would be, "What made you
decide to choose that major?" Regardless of what was said, you could ask, "That's cool, what's been the best
class you've taken so far?" The person would tell you the best class, and you could follow-up with, "Why was it
so interesting?" The previous four questions formed a natural question chain that you could have had in your
mind well before you had the conversation.
That being said, it's important to listen actively and not merely follow rigid lines of questioning like a police
interrogator. I included this example to illustrate a scripted line of questioning that is common in everyday
conversation. In reality, there would be a bunch of other comments mixed in with the questions, nonetheless,
but the pattern of questions still exists.
Trader Joe's is famous for staffing their stores with people who excel at small talk. Every time I check out,
someone inevitably starts a casual conversation with me.
Trader Joe: Hi, how's your Tuesday going?
Me: Good, how are you?
Trader Joe: It's going well, thanks. I see you're buying X, have you tried it with some Y? They make a great
combination, especially if you like Z.
Me: No, I haven't.but maybe Ill try that next time.
Trader Joe: I don't buy it a lot, but my girlfriend loved it the last time I bought it. .I probably should buy it again
soon. .her birthday's coming up. .maybe I should cook it for her.
Me: I'm not a great cook, so we always go out for my wife's birthday.
Let's break down the previous interaction into digestible pieces and focus on how it's structured.
1. Ask how the person is doing.
2. Make an observation that introduces an interesting nugget. The interesting nugget opens up more
options for conversation.
3. Share some light self-disclosure and the other person may share as well.
4. Ask a question about what the other person disclosed or disclose something related.
The above interaction follows a structure common to almost all initial small talk interactions. We'll dive
deeper into the process of conversation throughout this book.
Although you can't predict specific words and phrases, it's important to become more aware of the general
patterns that conversations tend to follow. Some things you can expect to occur—so don't act surprised when
they do. Instead, start thinking ahead. For example, be ready with a greeting. Be ready to self-disclose
something or ask a follow-up question. Be ready to close the conversation.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Try to notice the scripts underpinning every social interaction you experience today. Rather than focus on the
specific words and non-verbal behaviors, try to notice the underlying roles, patterns, and structures of the
conversation's components.
Spend ten minutes or more studying one of the conversations in the Conversation Samples section in the back
of this book. What end does each statement serve? Look for patterns. Exercises like these will improve your
conversational awareness.
5.
BOSSES
UNDERSTAND
THE FIRST
LEVEL OF
SMALL TALK
Learn the types of small talk before learning how to initiate small talk
How ya doing?
Great, you?
Good, glad it's Friday.
Yeah, I hear ya, the weekend's almost here.
Thank goodness for that.
What's the difference between the conversations you have with your best friend and the conversation you had
with that random guy in the grocery store checkout line last week? It's important to understand the main
levels of small talk. The first level of small talk, Level 1, is the most basic and simple of conversations.
You could also call Level 1 conversation safe talk. Level 1 comments, opinions, questions, and observations
are benign and nonthreatening. We all employ this first level of small talk when we're with strangers, people
we don't know well, or people we're very nervous around. We instinctively know to keep comments safe
because we don't want to insult someone accidentally, to say the wrong thing, to upset someone, and so on.
When you don't know anything about whom you're talking to (or you're worried you'll screw up), you don't
take conversational risks, you don't make references that may not be understood, and you don't dare make
jokes that may not be taken well. Because of the emphasis on safety, you water everything down and offer
generic comments, clichés, and platitudes.
To master Level 1, you have to do two things: avoid anything risky and make an effort. That's it. Stick with
safe topics, like the weather, food, clothing, work, sports, etc. Avoid expressing strong opinions on significant
topics. Let's look at a real-life example.
Two strangers in line at a grocery store start chatting.
Jim: Looks like it's going to be raining any minute.
Bob: Looks like it. Good thing I'm done shopping for the day.
Jim: Me too. I can't believe how much it's been raining lately.
Bob I tell you what, it sure is good for my lawn though.
Jim: You can say that again.
Notice how Jim kicked things off with an innocuous comment about the weather. A classic. Bob disclosed a
little personal information. There were a few generic comments. End of story.
Interactions such as this one in the grocery store are what give small talk a bad rap. Many small talk
comments are truly stale clichés or trite, overused phrases, such as "You can say that again," or "Isn't that
something?" However, generic comments serve a purpose: They are so unquestionably harmless that they
won't offend anyone, yet they still help kick-start most any fledgling conversation. Generic comments, in this
case, have the job of communicating that you're engaged and listening but playing it safe.
What we don't see in the grocery store example is what might happen next. If time allowed, and if Jim and
Bob were interested, they might have delved deeper into a new topic. Bob revealed a little clue about his
personal life: he has a lawn that he cares about. That clue may seem insignificant at first, but if Jim wanted, he
could use it and inquire further about Bob's lawn—perhaps asking what kind of mower Bob uses; if he bothers
with lawn fertilizer; if he gardens, too; or if he lives close by. The lawn topic may lead to all sorts of other, more
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 2