interesting topics.
Mastering Level 1 doesn't require much knowledge or skill—it often comes down to effort. You have to be
open to the idea of talking about the humdrum and mundane. You have to understand the value in it. You have
to see Level 1 for what it is—as a possible means to reach better and deeper relationships in the future
(sometimes very quickly). But sometimes Level 1 doesn't achieve anything significant, and that's okay too.
Simply engaging in the act of chatting is a good thing in its own right. Let's be honest, the world is simply a
nicer place when people—strangers and friends alike—are chatting with each other.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Deliberately initiate a Level 1 small talk exchange this week with a stranger. Your easiest targets will be with
people in a customer service role. Keep your comments safe and simple. Aim for the most ordinary and
simplistic conversation as possible.
6.
BOSSES
UNDERSTAND
THE SECOND
LEVEL OF
SMALL TALK
When cultivating relationships with current friends and business associates, you'll often engage in the second level of small
talk
Level 2 ventures beyond the super-safe zone of Level 1. Level 2 is the middle zone. You progress to this second
level when you feel comfortable and know a little bit more about another person. Level 2 is where bonding
begins. People start to share more personal anecdotes, mention upcoming events, make light political
references, tell jokes, and so on.
Let's take a look at a real Level 2 small talk conversation between two coworkers who chat while getting
coffee. Peggy initiates with a flattering observation about Sue's attire (a classic way to begin):
Peggy: I love your shoes.
Sue: Thanks! They're Carl Johns. Yours are cute, too.
Peggy: I want shoes like yours—my husband thinks spending money on shoes is silly, though.
Sue: Really? That's too bad.
Peggy: He just doesn't understand. He still owns the same shoes he wore in college.
Sue: Wow! I can't believe it.
Peggy: I know! Can you believe it? I mean, who does that?
Sue: I couldn't go a year with the same pair of shoes! Anyway, nice chatting, but I need to go look like I'm working.
Peggy: Yeah, I should go back too. See you at lunch?
Sue: Yeah, see you then.
After Peggy jump-started the conversation, Sue disclosed light personal information to help maintain it.
Peggy followed up with her feelings about the shoes and complained about her husband, eliciting Sue's
empathy. A few more generic comments were exchanged, Sue added a little sarcasm about looking like she's
working, and then their chat was over.
Let's check out another example of Level 2 small talk between two friends. Fran initiates with one of the
most popular initiating questions of all time:
Fran: How was your weekend?
Joe: Good, I went golfing with one of my buddies yesterday.
Fran: That sounds like fun.
Joe: I loved it. Golf courses are always in the prettiest areas. .near lakes, forests. .
Fran: Oh, I know. I'm jealous.
Joe: My buddy and I golf a lot, but we're not competitive—I think I love driving the golf cart more than the actual
golfing!
Fran: Which course was it?
Joe: The West Isle Country Club.
Fran: Oh, nice. I've always heard that The North Shore Club was good, too.
Joe: Yeah, I love it there.
Keep in mind, in this example, Fran started the conversation, but Joe introduced the main topic of the
conversation, by mentioning his weekend golfing experience. Again, basic initiating comes down to just hitting
the ball and not overthinking it. Fran didn't know what Joe was going to talk about, but with her question
about Joe's weekend she lobbed a nice slow ball over the net. Joe was willing to hit it back and help start the
conversation by introducing the main topic. You could say they co-started the conversation, even though Fran
technically said the first words. Keep this in mind next time someone initiates with you—starting a good
conversation doesn't always mean saying the first words; it sometimes means initiating the first topic.
In both of the examples, the conversation partners felt comfortable offering feelings, more personal
experiences, and information that they probably wouldn't discuss during Level 1 small talk.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Start a conversation with a stranger or associate and deliberately try to move it out of Level 1 and into Level 2.
Have two or three light topics in mind so if one falls flat you can move on to another. Pick topics that you can
develop further with three or four related thoughts, much as Joe did with "golf courses are in the prettiest
areas" and how he loves driving the carts.
7.
BOSSES
UNDERSTAND
THE THIRD
LEVEL OF
SMALL TALK
The third level of small talk only occurs when two people feel very comfortable with each other.
Think about the last conversation you had with your sibling or best friend. People talking in the third level of
small talk feel very comfortable with each other and assume they won't be judged or criticized. Because there's
usually a shared history, the people involved with Level 3 already have strong perceptions formed about each
other. Weird or dumb comments don't matter much, and there's comfort in that. A reason you're careful with
people you don't know well is that you suspect that they don't have an accurate "impression" of you yet; they
just don't know you well. If you met a stranger who said something really weird, you just might assume that
they're weird in general. (The psychology buffs out there may recognize this phenomenon as being part of the
Fundamental Attribution Error)
All topics are on the table with Level 3, from the weather to politics. Humor is much more likely to occur
because everyone understands each other and has a grasp of what types of humor are preferred. A friend may
playfully ridicule you, and you may return the favor, both understanding that it's all in good fun, without
harboring any ill-will.
Check out a real-life example between two 21-year-old best friends at a coffee shop. Notice how their
conversation just flows almost via stream of consciousness. The highest-level conversations aren't heavily
structured or linear; they flow back and forth, go in numerous directions, bounce around from topic to topic,
and don't require many questions in order to keep rolling.
Liz: This cookie's not half bad actually. .I want to learn how to make these.
Sarah: What are we going to do about your birthday party?
Liz: I don't know. .I feel like I need a nap. .
Sarah: I need a nap. .what I wouldn't give for a bed right now.
Liz: We should do a road trip to Chicago. .my cousin has a place there.
Sarah: We should, that would be fun.we could crash with Steve.
Liz: Remember when I loved this purse at TJ Maxx? I never use it.this is the first time I've used it since then. I always
get too excited and buy too quickly.
Sarah: Actually, a lot of my cousins live around Chicago. .so if we go, we're golden.
Liz: Cool. This is a really long piece of bread. .who would eat the entire thing? It doesn't even cover the salami.
Sarah: We could get a book on Chicago at a library.
Liz: I'm not
sure I've ever been to one. . in high school did you ever go to the library?
Sarah: No, I never did! I haven't even been to the one at my college, and I've been there for four years. .is that weird?
Liz: No one goes to libraries anymore.
Sarah: No, but we also need Halloween costumes.
Liz: It's too early. .
Sarah: I know, but I've been in Halloween-mode since late July. I love costumes. .
Liz: You're weird. Actually, I do need something in case Jon asks me to a Halloween party. .
Sarah: Oh, I forgot about him., are you guys hanging out a lot?
Liz: Not really, just talking a little. . do you think he's cute?
Sarah: Yeah, you should make some moves.
Liz: I don't know. .I'm not going to try so hard. .
Sarah: You should text him a pic.with my pumpkin latte. .he'll think you're classy.
Liz: I can't believe I just ate that entire cookie. ! feel really bad after eating this. .I feel sick actually. No more food
tonight.J'm full.
Did you notice how many topics were introduced in such a short amount of time? Technically, Liz initiated
the entire conversation with an observation about her cookie, but they both started new conversations about a
variety of topics. After Liz commented on the cookie, Sarah didn't even acknowledge the comment and started
a new conversation path by asking about a birthday party, and then Liz started a new path by disclosing her
need for sleep. Some of the unacknowledged topics were picked up again later in the conversation.
When you listen to friends talk, you'll notice that statements and long stories dominate the conversation, as
opposed to back-and-forth, question-and-answer sessions. When people aren't consciously trying to make
conversation, their interactions can be rather desultory—bouncing around from one topic to another. Of
course, if someone really wants an answer or expects a response on a specific topic, it's rude to change the
topic capriciously—use your own judgment.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
If your approach to conversations is too linear, you will have a hard time as soon as you can't come up with
anything more to say on the current subject. Become mindful of how linear your conversations are when
talking with good friends.
After your next Level 3 interaction, ask yourself:
• Did the conversation bounce around, was it linear, or some combination?
• Who initiated the bouncing? Me or my friend?
If you're not a bouncer, intentionally try to bounce in your next Level 3 conversation. There's no right or
wrong approach, just become more aware of whether you lean too heavily one way or the other.
8.
BOSSES
ALTERNATE
BETWEEN
SERIOUS AND
PLAYFUL
It's easy to be serious; however, the best small talk is often light and playful
Playful conversation is easily one of the top three challenges for shy conversationalists to master. What are the
other two challenges? I have no idea! I was just trying to make the sentence sound more dramatic and "playful."
See what I did there?
Many people struggle because they are too literal and treat conversation as a means to an end; they
approach conversation as an opportunity to pursue specific objectives, rather than as a vehicle for play and
fun.
When it comes to conversation, bosses always mentally consider alternative—and often more playful—ways
to express themselves. For example, I was preparing a conference room for a training I was to facilitate later
that day. Because conference rooms are notorious for their wild swings in temperature, I asked my assistants
how the room felt to them. The first person casually responded, "It's kind of hot in here actually." That was a
normal, literal response.
The second person, a well-known playful character, offered an alternative, more exaggerated, description,
"Yeah, I think I've sweated off five pounds already!" Of course, there are other playful alternative ways to describe
a hot room:
I almost fainted from dehydration.
For a minute, I thought I had walked into a desert.
The more colorful phrases not only keep a conversation light and fun but also invite others to make
additional playful connections, leading to a livelier exchange. Something happens when a playful comment is
successfully introduced— a door opens for other playful comments. The entire mood lightens.
Of course, playful options aren't always appropriate; in most cases a combination of playful and serious work
very well.
Rather than describe a situation in literal terms, such as, "The printer isn't working well today," the playful
person may apply a fun twist, such as, "The printer's in a bad mood today!" or "I'm currently fighting a battle
with the printer...and the printer is winning. I might need reinforcements."
Imagine you're with a friend, and you get up to use the restroom. Your friend might ask, "Where are you
going?" You don't always have to respond literally, "I need to use the restroom." Instead, you could opt for
something unpredictable and playful, such as, "It's a secret," or a sarcastic, "I'm leaving because I'm sick of
your attitude," or "Who wants to know?" or "I'm going to go buy that girl a drink...not really, I'm not that
cool."
Later in the book, we'll look more specifically at what you can do to have funnier and more interesting
small talk.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Study the following stories told by Billy and Willy. They epitomize opposite conversation traits—serious and
playful.
Billy lives according to a literal code, and Willy follows the playful code. Willy and Billy did exactly the same
things this past weekend, but if you asked them each the question "Hey, what did you do this weekend?" you
would receive completely different synopses.
Billy: Well, Saturday morning, I got up at 7AM , ate some cereal, and then went to Home Depot to buy some tools. I
bought a 5-bolt lock wrench and a few more %-inch bolts. I got back around 11 AM . I worked on my car for most for
most of the day until about 5PM. Then I ate dinner. That's about it.
There is nothing wrong with Billy's description. But if you want to know what contributes to engaging small
talk, look at Willy's retelling.
Willy: Well, Saturday was car day—I basically spent all day working on my old Chevy. I think my hands are
permanently black from all the grease and oil. I swear that giant blue beast is gonna be the death of me!
Notice the differences? Willy purposely left out the boring details and focused on the interesting elements.
He exaggerated key events and painted a more interesting picture. Willy sprinkled some zesty flavor on top of
the otherwise bland experience and made the conversation more playful and enjoyable.
Your turn: describe out loud what you did last Saturday or Sunday. First, verbalize a serious, literal version,
and then try expressing a playful version.
9.
BOSSES FIX
MAJOR
PERSONALITY
FLAWS FIRST
You can be the smartest, most powerful richest, and best-looking person in the world, and yet have no real friends because
your personality such.
I was at a social event recently where a woman was telling story after story—she was thoroughly captivating
the group. However, when I later tried to talk with her one-on-one, she was a terrible listener and frequently<
br />
shifted the conversation to her own personal anecdotes and stories. I was turned off immediately.
Your personality is central to developing a good reputation and good relationships. Likable personalities
are generally effective in any setting or conversation, whether scripted or unscripted, formal or informal.
Take a close look below at the eight personality traits I consider to be most likable. Do you feel your
personality aligns with all eight or do you have work to do? The opposites of each could constitute the eight
most unlikable traits. Any of the unlikeable traits may be to blame for some of your past negative social
experiences and poor first impressions. If you think you might have an unlikable personality, or if you suspect
you might have a major character flaw, I suggest that you attend to those concerns first.
Follow the list below and watch your likability rocket up like Avengers: Infinity War ticket sales in 2018.
The 8 Most Likable Personality Traits
Be Humble. Don't brag. Admit mistakes. Embracing your flaws is disarming. People will warm up to you
more quickly.
Be Caring and Unselfish. Genuinely care about others and what they're thinking, feeling, and doing. Ask
follow-up questions.
Be Positive. Don't be a downer. Bring positive energy. See the good in situations.
Be Enthusiastic. Give your words and expressions life. Put some feeling and energy behind what you say,
feel, and do.
Be Goal-oriented. Have some direction in life. Share your goals with people. People are drawn to success
and ambition.
Be Playful. Lighten up and don't be too serious or defensive. Playfulness is critical to being fun and
entertaining.
Be Flexible. Adapt to changing environments without complaining. Don't get cranky when things don't go
your way. Go with the flow.
Be Genuine. Be vulnerable and open sometimes. Don't always hide behind a façade. Express your feelings,
passions and interests, even if they aren't desirable to everyone.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Focus on any of the eight traits you're not currently aligned with and get to work. Could you rank the traits in
order from "most like me" to "least like me"? Are you overly negative? Stop it. Intentionally say more positive
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 3