The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

by Gregory Peart

  How did he even get in?

  Meta Questions

  Meta comments were mentioned in the section about playful opinions, and they make fantastic questions,

  too. Talk about the conversation itself, about the current situation, or about what people are thinking about the

  current situation. Act as if you're outside of the situation looking in.

  Maybe you notice a girl has been at the bar for a while. You could ask her a typical stale question, such as,

  "Can I buy you a drink?" Or you could ask a meta version and comment about the situation. "How many times

  has someone offered to buy you a drink tonight?" Or, "I bet you've been offered at least three drinks tonight,

  right?"

  Getting a haircut and want to start a conversation with your stylist? Forgo the boring, "How was your

  holiday weekend?" Instead, demonstrate higher awareness of the fact that many people have probably asked

  her the exact same question all day long. "How many times has someone asked you about your weekend

  already?" They'll appreciate your consideration.

  Indirect Questions

  I workout a lot. It's fascinating to watch how some guys try to pick up women at the gym. The shy guy

  never initiates a conversation. No surprise there. Many brave guys opt for simple, direct questions like, "Hey

  what's your name?" Or, "You come here often?" And those can work. But they also can make you come off as

  desperate or cheesy if done incorrectly or at the wrong moment.

  A boss plays it cool. The boss just goes about his workout, barely paying the girl any attention at all. If he

  happens to workout near her, he may ask a more indirect question, such as, "Hey, are you still working on that

  machine? I don't want to be a total jerk and take it if you are." This question opens up dialogue without coming

  off as too desperate or direct. It's subtle, and sometimes it's better to be subtle.

  Rhetorical Questions

  Some good questions don't actually seek a response. Rhetorical questions, at a basic level, let others know

  that you're interested in dialogue. Maybe you're waiting at a dentist's office or getting your hair cut. Saying "I

  can't believe it's almost October...where did the summer go?" or, "How is it almost Christmas already?" can get

  the ball rolling if someone else is interested in chatting. These work well with strangers. They don't put

  pressure on anyone to converse with you. Someone unwilling to talk could just smile in your direction, or say

  something minimal, such as, "Yeah, I know."

  Introspective Questions

  Some questions are terrific at provoking thought and starting deeper conversations about more substantial

  topics. These open-ended questions work better after you reach a certain comfort level with someone or when

  you're on a date and trying to learn about someone quickly. Here's a nice list to get you started:

  If money didn't matter, what job would you do?

  What are you afraid of?

  Are there are mundane tasks you secretly enjoy?

  What advice would you give your 15-year-old self?

  What trivial thing are you really good at?

  What's the hardest thing you ever had to do?

  How do you cheer yourself up when you're feeling down?

  If you could have a beer with one fictional character, who would it be?

  What are you most grateful for?

  If there was one day you could relive over again, which would it be?

  What's something you're obsessed with?

  Who had the biggest impact on your life?

  Most memorable TV show?

  If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Think of one of your friends. Imagine running into them at the grocery store—can you think of a question for

  them based on each of the six interrogative question types? Think about the question types you typically don't

  use in conversation and try to incorporate them.

  36.

  BOSSES ASK

  FLOW

  QUESTIONS

  Keep the small talk easy and light with flow questions.

  Millions of conversations a day begin with a single question. Conversations, in the simplest sense, are nothing

  more than an interchange between asking and sharing information. Initial conversations—and many forms of

  small talk—are heavily dependent on your ability to ask quick questions and share quick responses.

  Questions that are easy to answer and keep a conversation flowing are flow questions. Questions that cause

  too much pause, require too much time to think, or lead to single-word answers can slam the brakes on a good

  conversation.

  No one wants to be interrogated! No one wants to feel trapped or frustrated. Instead, act like a conversation

  journalist. Where a news journalist simply seeks information, a conversation journalist seeks information and

  commonalities.

  Learn how to probe gently. Start in the shallow, light-and-easy end of the pool, then gradually dive deeper.

  Don't forget to balance your questions with FOOFAAE statements about yourself. A good rule of thumb is never to

  exceed three questions in a row. Make sure that you are disclosing information as well as asking questions, and

  that your partner is not only answering your questions but also reciprocating by asking you questions.

  Ask questions that are easy to answer. Incorporate easy open-ended questions that help drive conversation

  forward. One of the best options is to solicit an opinion, "What did you think of that speech?" Or, "Would you

  recommend that cocktail?" Everyone has an opinion, and most people freely offer opinions when asked. They'll

  probably also appreciate that you're interested in hearing their opinion.

  Similarly, ask for recommendations. After complimenting someone's outfit or accessories, it's perfectly natural

  to ask a follow-up question. For example, "That's an awesome watch— what kind is it?" Or, "That looks really

  good—what did you order?"

  If you feel like your question is too random or you're not sure how to ask it, try to anchor it first. Anchor

  your question to something already established. The anchor is like a "precursor" that indicates why you have

  chosen a specific conversation topic/question.

  When anchoring a conversation, it often seems natural to either think about what you know about the

  person (hobbies, friends, interests, work, etc.), and make the conversation take off from there. Let's look at

  some examples:

  So I know what you do for work, but _____ ?

  So I know you have two kids, but _____ ?

  So I don't know that much about you, I'm curious about ?

  So I know you like XYZ, but what's your biggest passion?

  People who have a lot of experience in any particular area or hobby are probably full of great opinions on

  those topics and most likely love talking about them. Let the context of the situation give you clues; people you

  meet in a coffee shop probably have experience and interest in coffee, while those ordering drinks at a bar are

  likely to have some experience and knowledge of alcoholic drinks. Everyone is an expert on the city they grew

  up in or the company they work for.

  However, you don't want to get stuck in "job talk" for too long, especially with people who don't enjoy their

  jobs at all. That's where you should be able to pivot to some autobiographical topic by asking, "So besides your

  day job, what do you like to do for fun?" Or, "So what do you do when you're not working?" Talking about

/>   passions, interests, hobbies, and how people spend their time (remember, timelines!) is a sweet spot for

  conversation.

  After two people achieve a comfort level and establish a good amount of trust, it's normal to expand the

  timeline range into the distant past or future. "Where did you grow up?" Or, "Were your parents really strict

  when you were growing up?"

  Remember, ask questions the other person both can answer and wants to answer.

  Sometimes a second, more specific question functions as a great way to keep a conversation flowing. You

  don't need to exert too much mental energy thinking of a good backup question if you remember the

  superlative questions. Superlatives offer great follow-up options after you have received some information from

  your conversation partner. For example, after they answer your first question, ask about the biggest, worst, best,

  least, most, aspects of the topic:

  What was the hardest part about it?

  What is the best place you recommend moving to?

  What's the craziest thing you saw there?

  What's the most amount of money you made doing that?

  What's your favorite part of the entire thing?

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  You're sitting with other professionals, eating lunch, at a work conference. Three of the following five

  questions are good flow questions—can you identify them? Don't look at the answers until after you've tried to

  answer.

  1. What didyou think of the speaker this morning?

  2. What do you hope to get out of the workshop today?

  3. Do you know how long we have for lunch?

  4. How many of these conferences have you been to?

  5. How's your day going so far?

  Answers:

  Questions 1, 2, and 5 are the best flow questions. They are relatively easy to answer. Also, because they are

  open-ended, they will help you extend the conversation. Keep in mind, questions 3 and 4 aren't bad, but they're

  less likely to keep the flow going.

  37.

  BOSSES ASK THE

  FULL RANGE OF

  FOOFAAE

  QUESTIONS

  FOOFAAE is a great framework for thinking of questions that can maintain small talk

  Many questions can be organized under the FOOFAAE (Feelings, Observations, Opinions, Facts, Action

  Statements, Autobiography, and Events) model for driving conversations. Of course, there are plenty of

  exceptions and overlap among question types, so please refrain from emailing me examples that don't fit

  perfectly!

  Feeling, Observation, and Opinion Questions

  Let the environment help you. Something standing out in a familiar environment should trigger a host of

  questions. Say someone brought in a box of Peppermint Patties to your work for everyone to share. You could

  go about your work or take advantage of the new object in the environment with some playful questions. "Uh

  oh, Peppermint Patties...I'm not sure I can control myself...do you think we can take more than one?" Or, "Who

  is the angel who brought those to us today? I want to thank them!"

  Some questions in the Feeling, Observation, and Opinion categories simply look to establish agreement or

  confirmation.

  Isn't this food good?

  Do you find it cold in here, too?

  Looks like you're doing some serious gardening over here, huh?

  How did you like it?

  Really? What did your wife think?

  Doesn't it feel like you're at a bachelor party right now?

  Isn't this better than _____ ?

  Fact Questions

  When you don't have all the facts, or just want to obtain more info, ask. Place yourself in the role of a student

  who's trying to learn more about a topic from an expert. Everyone is an expert at something—you just have to

  find out what. Do they just work at a clothing store in a mall? Then they're still an expert at working retail in

  malls. Try to learn something you didn't know about that occupation or topic.

  Is it true what they say about_______?

  You repair those? How do you avoid being _____ ?

  I love your shoes! Where did you buy them?

  How did State do yesterday? I didn't get to watch the game.

  Any idea what the weather's going to be later?

  It's helpful to think about adjectives related to the topic. Many people internally create mind maps to do just

  this. For example, if someone is talking about a dog, what adjectives come to mind? How about "fun," "furry,"

  "dirty," "expensive," "time-consuming," "lovable," and "hyper"?

  The benefit of listing these adjectives is that they might prompt you to ask about whether a particular

  adjective applies. For example, if "hyper" comes to mind, your question might ask whether the dog is or isn't

  hyper. Pretty simple, huh? Remember, hard-to-answer questions don't belong in budding conversations.

  Additionally, you could ask for help. Nearly everyone enjoys helping a little.

  Do you know when the second presentation is starting?

  Do you know if they're open on Sundays?

  Who should I pick for my team this week?

  Action Statement Questions

  These questions involve doing something.

  Do you want to get out of here?

  Should we get something to eat?

  Have you ever tried_________?

  Do you want to go______?

  Autobiography Questions

  Some questions help you obtain information about personal experiences. There are many levels of self-

  disclosure. The depth of your questions should depend on the level of comfort and familiarity between you and

  the other person.

  How are you involved with the_____?

  How did you end up at_____?

  What was your favorite part ofthat class/show/tour?

  Are you a friend/employee/consultant/related to Jim?

  Why did you end up going into that field?

  What happened after you_____?

  Are you from the area?

  What do you do?

  Do you have any kids? Pets?

  Event Questions

  You can always think of something related to time. Everyone has a timeline—find out more about theirs. More

  specifically, great conversation topics revolve around how people willingly spend their time. When you find out

  what people choose to spend their time doing or thinking about, then you have probably discovered their

  interests. Every Monday across the globe, people inquire about how someone's weekend was. And every Friday,

  millions of people ask about someone's upcoming weekend plans. If you look carefully at the examples in the

  FOOFAAE: A Case Study chapter, you'll notice that the majority of the examples start with an event.

  Who are the people they spend time with? Where do they like to hang out? What are the things they spend

  their time doing or consuming or thinking about? What have they spent their time doing in the past, and what

  are they planning to do with their time in the future?

  Have you been able to do_______yet?

  How did the_______go last month?

  Any weekend plans?

  It sounds like you go to_______a lot?

  When are you starting_____?

  You're going to _____ this weekend? That's cool—have you ever been there before?

  Are you going to the_______afterward?

  And of course, in the interest of keeping a conversation balanced, don't forget to share how you spend your

  time, too!

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Imagine I called you right
now. Think of a question from each FOOFAAE category to ask me.

  Remember, there's no right or wrong here, the point is to form better conversational habits.

  38.

  BOSSES

  MAINTAIN THE

  FLOW WITH

  QUESTION

  ASSISTANTS

  Never assume that your work is done after asking a question.

  Asking questions temporarily puts you in the conversation's driver's seat. And when you ask a good easy

  question, you may think you're done for a while. But that's not always the case. Even easy questions can cause

  unnecessary pauses in the flow of a conversation. Bosses always anticipate possible pauses or roadblocks on the

  conversation highway. Other people may need a few moments to process your questions or may not know how

  to answer at all. To fill such pauses, bosses always keep a comment or second question in their back pockets,

  just in case.

  When you ask a good open-ended question, such as, "What did you think of the speaker today?" you may

  suddenly sense that the other person doesn't have an immediate answer. Instead of stopping at the question,

  staring, and waiting through a period of awkward silence, you might add your own thoughts to keep the

  conversation flowing and to take the spotlight off of the other person. "I thought he was pretty interesting," or,

  "I thought he was brilliant—I wish I had that much experience with____." Those comments are question

  assistants—tools that remove some of the urgency to respond by allowing your conversation partner some time

  to think.

  Obviously, you don't want to cut someone off, but it's also important to be a good conversation partner

  either by helping the other person think of something to say or easing the pressure to contribute.

  Your question assistant can literally be what triggers the next good comment. The abovementioned

  question about the speaker was very open-ended. By adding your own thoughts, you not only clarify your own

  position, but you provide specific fodder for them to connect to. For example, "I thought the speaker was great

  —I loved that the effects of climate change were mentioned." Instead of answering with general thoughts about

  the speaker, the person could latch on to your specific comment about climate change.

  Think about people you enjoy conversing with. What do they do when you struggle to connect to something