by Nella Tyler
“Nine years?” William repeated. “That’s a long time for such a young couple.”
“We were only thirteen when we started dating,” I admitted. “And we’ve rarely been apart since.”
“You’re worried about what your enlistment will do to her,” William said with understanding.
“I…yes.”
“You’re not married, are you?”
“No.”
“Well, if you were to marry, she would be able to accompany you to the Middle East,” William replied. “Arrangements can be made for soldiers’ wives.”
“But it’s dangerous?”
“There is always a risk,” William nodded.
I looked up at his calm eyes and wished desperately that he was Braden, so I could pour my heart out and have him advise me the way only a big brother could.
“What would you do?” I asked helplessly.
William sighed. “I can’t make those decisions for you, Chase.”
“I know that you can’t,” I said. “And, I’m not asking you to. I just want your opinion – and maybe your advice.”
William considered that for a moment before he spoke. “I’m not married, Chase, but I have friends who I’ve served with who are. Some left behind wives, others left behind wives and children, and whichever way you look at it, it hurts like hell. But at least they knew their families were safe at home.”
“It’ll be too dangerous for her over there,” I said.
“Why would you risk it?” William nodded.
“You’re right.”
“This girlfriend of yours, you said you’ve been together for nine years?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Then you have to believe that you two will stand the test of time,” William said. “She loves you, right?”
“Of course she does,” I said without having to think about it.
“Then she’ll wait for you,” he said simply.
I nodded, but my thoughts were taking a different direction. I knew Lauren would want to come with me, but I also knew that if I insisted she stay behind, she would. She would stay behind and wait for me just as William had said. I thought about the next four years of my life and wondered how much would change in those four years.
Despite how I had been treating her lately, I loved Lauren. I loved her more than I loved any other person in the world. I knew that meant I needed to think of her, too, in this situation. She didn’t deserve to put her life on hold just for me. She deserved more than a grumpy, moody ass who couldn’t find it in himself to be the man she needed him to be.
“Chase?”
“Sorry,” I said bringing myself back to the present. “I was just thinking.”
“I understand,” William nodded. “It’s a hard thing, to leave behind your loved ones. It never gets easier, either.”
“Braden was happy, wasn’t he?” I asked suddenly, almost afraid of asking the question at all. “I mean before he died, he was happy? He didn’t regret anything?”
William smiled. “I was Braden’s recruiter, Chase, and there was a time we were very close friends. But the truth is, it’s been a few years since I last saw him. This life, it’s hard to form lifelong, stable friendships. We move around so much that keeping in contact becomes secondary to the job. The men in the unit you’ve been assigned become your friends and when you move onto to another unit, your friends change.”
I nodded. “I guess I just…I keep looking for some closure,” I said, stumbling over my words.
“It’s very hard to find closure in death,” William told me gently. “I learned that the hard way.”
“When will I need to tell my family?” I asked, feeling the slight panic of that moment rise inside me.
“As soon as possible,” William nodded. “You’ll need to prepare them, especially considering….”
He trailed off, but I knew what he meant. In light of Braden’s death, I knew it would be hard for my parents to understand my decision. But this was something I had to do. I had made my decision – I had made it weeks ago, but I had only just believed my own convictions.
After saying goodbye to William, I walked home and spent the day looking through old pictures on my laptop. During lunch, I got out the chocolate chip pancakes Lauren had made me and ate them at the kitchen table in front of my laptop.
I was doing this, and I knew it would be the first time in nine years that Lauren wouldn’t be at my side. It was a strange, new world, but I understood intrinsically that it was a path I had to walk alone.
Chapter Eleven
Lauren
It felt unusually stuffy in the lecture hall today and I had a hard time keeping track of what Professor Higgins was saying about gothic literature. It was the kind of lecture I loved, but my mind was wandering as it had been for the last few weeks. All I seemed to be able to concentrate on was Chase.
Jeremy was sitting next to me, and I was vaguely aware that he kept glancing at me every few seconds. He was wearing the nerdy-chic glasses I had always favored, and with his windswept hair and his casual cuteness, he looked like a model out of a Tommy Hilfiger advertisement.
The moment the lecture ended, he turned to me with a mixture of light-heartedness and concern. “Are you okay? You seemed a little distracted today?”
“Was I?” I said, trying to pretend there was nothing to worry about.
“You were,” he said decidedly as we gathered our stuff and exited the room together. “Grace mentioned to me that you lost someone recently.”
“Oh,” I said as I tried hard to maintain a convincing poker face. I didn’t much like talking about Braden because it reminded me of Chase’s pain. “We weren’t related,” I explained. “But we were close. His name was Braden; he was Chase’s brother.”
“He was killed in the line of duty?” Jeremy asked gently.
“Yes,” I nodded.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and his tone was sincere and sympathetic. “This must be a hard time for you and Chase.”
Strangely, the words “you and Chase” hit me in a way that I’d not expected. It felt wrong somehow, as though the words didn’t go together. I realized it was because it didn’t feel like we were together much lately. Chase seemed to want to canvas through his grief alone, and I didn’t want to push him, so I let him be.
The distance was starting to wear on me, though. I was starting to worry obsessively – not just for Chase, but also for the state of our relationship. I hadn’t told anyone about my pregnancy, not even Beth. When she had called to ask about it, I had lied and told her that the test had come up negative.
My feelings about it were confusing to say the least. A part of me wanted to be happy, but I just felt as though I needed Chase’s approval first, before I could celebrate. It didn’t seem fair to tell him now when he was so bogged down by Braden’s death, so I had put off the moment until he emerged from the fog.
The problem was that I couldn’t really see him making much progress. He was distant and sometimes even cold. He was prone to bursts of irritation peppered by little moments of intimacy that never lasted very long. He had me teetering on an emotional seesaw, and I wasn’t equipped to handle it for much longer.
“We’ll be okay,” I said, feigning confidence before I changed the subject. The whole reason I liked to spend time with Jeremy was because he was light, fun, and easy to talk to. “So, I know this is a tired question, but what are your plans after graduation?”
He smiled as we walked through campus together. “My plans are pretty boring actually. I’m going to be a venture capitalist, just like my father.”
“No way,” I said.
“It’s not all that impressive when you consider I’m inheriting my father’s legacy as opposed to building one of my own.”
I smiled. “I think it’s very impressive. Your father wouldn’t have turned the reigns over to you if he didn’t think you were up for the challenge.”
Jeremy gave me a modest shrug and I laughed. �
��You’ll do great,” I said.
“You know, you could be my first client,” Jeremy said with one raised eyebrow.
“Oh?”
“You want to start up your own gym, don’t you?” he asked.
“Well, yes. Eventually,” I nodded.
“Well, I’m in the business of starting up new businesses,” he replied. “This could be a perfect marriage for both of us.”
I felt my palms get a little bit sweaty as I started to wonder if there was an ulterior motive behind Jeremy’s offer. He liked to flirt, but he had been so persistent in my case that I had begun to suspect his flirting was a means to an end.
“Hmm. I’ll have to think about it,” I said gently.
“What’s to think about?” he exclaimed. “I’m giving you a golden ticket here.”
“Are there strings that come with this golden ticket?” I asked pointedly.
He batted his eyes at me. “Whatever do you mean?” he asked innocently.
“Jeremy.”
He laughed. “You’ll have to have dinner with me,” he said without hesitation.
“I have a boyfriend,” I reminded him. “Or have you forgotten that already?”
“Dammit,” he sighed. “Why on Earth did you have to get yourself all tied down at, like, eleven years old? It’s not right. It’s not healthy. You’re young and beautiful. You should have stayed single all these years and waited for me.”
“Sorry,” I said with a small laugh.
“Seriously, though,” Jeremy said as his tone took on a more serious tilt. “You’ve been with him so long; don’t you ever feel like you missed out?”
“Missed out?” I repeated. “On what?”
“On life?”
“I didn’t miss out on a thing,” I said somewhat defensively. “I lived every moment to the fullest; I just had a partner by my side the whole time.”
“Exactly,” he said punching his fist in the air as though I had made his point for him. “You never got to flirt with guys, or make out with random strangers at parties, or sleep with anyone else…or…or other things single people do.”
I laughed. “It’s all about perspective. If I wanted to do any of those things, I was happy to do them with Chase,” I said firmly. “He was and is my soul mate. I got it right the first time. I count myself lucky.”
“I’m not going to be able to convince you otherwise, am I?” Jeremy asked only half joking.
I smiled. “Nope.”
He sighed dramatically to gloss over the seriousness of the moment. “Well, the offer still stands,” he said. “If you need some start-up capital, you can always call me.”
Now that the offer was free of expectations, I was happy to give it some serious consideration. I liked the idea of getting Jeremy’s help because it meant I would need to take less money from Chase. I knew he wouldn’t mind in the slightest, but it meant something to me to start my business up on my own.
“Maybe we can set up a meeting in the future?” I suggested.
“Sounds good,” Jeremy nodded.
“Would you mind if I brought Chase along?” I asked.
Jeremy laughed. “Of course, you have to bring him. How could I pass up the chance to meet my arch rival?”
I had to laugh, too, and in that moment, I genuinely wished Jeremy had absolutely no feelings for me. It would have meant we could be friends without me having to worry about sending him the wrong signals all the time.
“Keep in touch after graduation,” Jeremy said as we closed in on the parking lot.
“I’ll try,” I nodded.
“No, I mean it,” he said emphatically. “Everyone always says that they’re going to keep in touch, but it never really happens.”
I turned to Jeremy and smiled seeing that he genuinely meant it. I had no choice. “I promise I will try and stay in touch,” I told him.
“Well, that’s good enough for me,” Jeremy nodded as he walked me to the car. “Say hi to the boyfriend for me.”
“Thanks, Jeremy,” I said. “I will.”
I pulled out of my parking space, waved, and then drove home in a flurry of thought. I hadn’t really thought about my plans after graduation in a while. I had been so consumed by Braden’s death, the funeral, and then Chase’s downward spiral that it had barely registered that my graduation was on the horizon. The excitement that had engulfed me before had dissipated now. It felt as though the only thing that would excite me now was to see Chase looking like his old self again.
I had just started the drive when my phone started ringing. I pulled the car over and picked up my cell phone. It was Chase and immediately, my heart froze in panic. I hesitated only a moment before I picked up.
“Hello?”
“Lauren?” his voice was different. It was the voice he used when he wanted to talk about something uncomfortable.
“Yes, I’m here,” I said quickly. “Is something wrong?”
“No…nothing’s wrong,” he replied, but he didn’t sound so sure, and that just amped up my nerves. “I just need to talk to you – urgently.”
I felt my stomach plummet and I swallowed hard. “Okay. You can’t tell me what it is over the phone?” I asked cautiously.
“No,” he said evenly. “This requires a face-to-face conversation.”
I sighed and nodded. Then realizing Chase couldn’t see me, I said, “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Great,” he replied before hanging up.
I stared down at my cell phone for a moment. My immediate thought was that he knew about the baby. One of the pregnancy tests I’d taken had rolled out of the tissue I had wrapped it in. That must be the reason for this urgent conversation of his.
I started to freak out as I started driving again. Would he be angry I hadn’t told him myself? Would he be happy we were going to have a baby, or would Braden’s loss overshadow the moment? Would he even want the baby? I felt my nerves ratchet up a notch and my palms started to feel sweaty. I wiped them off on my jeans before I placed my hands back on the steering wheel.
I needed to walk in to the apartment and be calm. Maybe he was happy? Maybe he just wanted to discuss our newly forming future. A baby would change a lot of things, but the overwhelming majority of it would be good…right? After all, this was our baby. Sure, we hadn’t planned to start a family so soon. The plan had been nailed down since we were in high school.
We were going to build our careers first, we were going to focus on getting ourselves a real home, and once we were stable enough, we would get married and start a family in a year or so. That was the plan, and it was a good one.
Despite how perfectly everything had been mapped out, despite how close we had been to treading that map, I still couldn’t help but feel happy about the baby. So it was happening a little sooner than expected; it didn’t matter. In my book, that was an adventure.
By the time I reached the apartment, I was doing a lot better. My nerves were still there, but I had managed to calm myself down. I took a deep breath and walked inside to find Chase pacing between the television and our microscopic kitchen. His expression was tense with worry and the calm I thought I had snatched a few moments ago slipped away at the sight of his face.
“Chase?” I said as I closed the door behind me.
“Lauren,” he said turning to me.
“I can explain,” I said abruptly without thinking.
He stopped short and wrinkled his eyebrows at me. “What? No… I need to tell you something.”
I breathed an internal sigh of relief as I realized that he didn’t know about the baby yet. Whatever this was, it didn’t have anything to do with my pregnancy.
“Go for it,” I told him.
Chapter Twelve
Chase
She is so beautiful. That was my first thought as I approached Lauren and took her hand. That was my only thought as I led her to the sofa and we sat down together beside one another. Her expression was completely confused as I tried to figure out how to s
tart this conversation.
I looked up at her, and her green eyes were boring into mine. Her hair was pushed back over her shoulders so that I could see the milky skin of her neck and shoulder blades. I loved kissing that spot and wondered how I was going to get through the next four years without doing so.
“Chase,” Lauren’s voice was gentle. “You’re starting to scare me; what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I insisted again, though it felt like a lie on my tongue.
“Okay, then tell me.”
“Do you remember the first day we met?” I asked, going off the script I had perfected in my head for the last hour.
She raised her eyebrows but she answered me a moment later. “Of course I remember,” she nodded. “I was the new kid, and you were assigned to show me around.”
“I wasn’t assigned,” I replied. “I volunteered.”
She nodded, aware of the story. “You saw me go into the principal’s office with my mother earlier that day.”
“And I thought you were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen,” I continued. “Still do, in fact.”
Lauren smiled and I saw that she was beginning to relax a little. That made me sad for a moment, but I couldn’t dwell; I had to push through. “It took me a few months to work up the courage to kiss you, but when I finally did—”
“It was the perfect first kiss,” Lauren said.
I laughed. “As I recall, our noses bumped together.”
“Whatever,” Lauren said, waving away that little detail. “I still thought it was pretty perfect.”
“Do you remember when it happened?”
“Your parents took us to see the circus,” she replied. “It was the first one we’d ever been to.”
“All my firsts have been with you,” I pointed out. “Every significant moment in my life has been with you. I look back at every key memory and you’re there somewhere, either in the forefront or the periphery.”
“That’s what happens when you’ve been together for as long as we have,” she pointed out.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Chase?”
“We’ve been together since we were kids,” I interrupted her. “And in my mind, we’ll always be together…always.”