by S R Watson
It feels good to be cuddled in his arms, to feel wanted. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I can admit that I’m starting to let him into my heart, and that frightens the shit out of me. Nobody has gotten this far with me. I know his reputation and the fame that is coming his way, yet my heart wants him. When the fuck did that happen? I can’t share these feelings with him, though. No, I think he’d run. Hopefully, this is an indication that he is starting to have feelings for me too. I just have to let him process it his own way and be at peace with it. I snuggle into him more, dizzy on his scent. He is wearing some cologne that is so hypnotic. This is new.
“How was the celebration with the label?” He pulls me closer and kisses me on the forehead. What the hell is he trying to do to me? His Dom side gets me worked up, but this new expression of tenderness is really getting to me.
“It was—” I cut him off with my lips on his. He pauses at first in surprise before he kisses me back. And oh man, does he kiss me back. He flips me so that I’m now lying on top of him, and he can palm my ass. Even though I’m wearing my usual jeans and T-shirt, I can feel the hardness of his cock through his gym shorts.
Harlow
Phoenix deepens the kiss, and I rub myself against his hardness—so desperate for the Dom to take over, so he can give me what he knows I want. He’s not making an appearance, so I force myself to be brave,
“Fuck me, Phoenix. Please, Sir.” He stops kissing me and sits up. His brows creases. I’m afraid that I’ve done something wrong again. I try to hold on, but he moves my hands. Maybe he felt like I was making a mockery of our D/s relationship again. Shit, I don’t know, but whatever I said or did, it’s like I doused him with a bucket of cold water.
“Look. Umm. I have to go. Sorry, Harlow.”
“Don’t run. Don’t you dare fucking run! You tell me right now what I did, or this is fucking over. Do you hear me? I can’t keep doing your hot and cold bullshit.” My feelings are hurt. He gave me a sample of something special, and now he is yanking it from under me.
“You didn’t do anything okay. Just please give me some time. Nothing’s changed. I promise. Don’t be upset. I have to leave for a bit, but I’ll be back. We’re okay. I’m not running. I just need some time to figure some things out.” He says all of that in a rush. He is running, but he has asked me to be patient in a roundabout way. I knew all of this was out of character for him, so I give him the time he needs to process his feelings.
It’s okay to be scared. I think we’re unintentionally changing each other—changing our views on what we thought we wanted. I won’t be that girl: the one who has to have all the answers right now. I will give him the time he needs, within reason.
“Okay. We’ll talk later.”
“Sure.” He plants a quick kiss on my forehead, and then he is gone. I don’t know what is happening between us, but one thing is for sure; it is more than either of us bargained for or planned. I lie on the sofa and continue watching Elementary in a haze. I don’t even know when I drifted off to sleep.
“Harlow. Wake up. I want you to meet Lily,” Asher says, shaking me. It takes me a moment to orient myself. I rub the sleep from my eyes to find a raven-haired beauty with the prettiest green eyes I’ve ever seen staring down at me. I sit up to completely take her in. She’s gorgeous.
“Hello,” I say, extending my hand to her. “Nice to meet you. My brother has told me so much about you.”
“All good things, I hope.” She smiles, and she has dimples. She is just too perfect. She’s wearing a simple sundress and has a cute bob haircut. I’m getting good vibes from her and a sense of genuineness.
“Yes. All good things. How was your flight?” Lily tells me about her layovers and how excited she is to finally get here. Irelyn has to meet her. She is just too adorable. Great first impression.
I’m happy for Asher. Kind of jealous at the same time, I guess. He gets to have a normal relationship—one he doesn’t have to hide.
“Oh, is that Elementary?” she asks excitedly. “I love that show.” Yup, definitely a keeper.
“Yeah, me, too. I think in the end it was watching me, though,” I joke.
“I would say so. You were knocked out when we came in,” Asher agrees.
“Well, the house got a little quiet with everyone gone,” I say. I got bored.
“Uh, no. Phoenix is here. His bike is parked out front. He must be upstairs in his room.” Asher looks toward the stairs. “He has taken the room back that you were using.”
“I would think so. It was his room first,” I say in a matter-of-fact manner. I wonder if he is actually here. If he is, I can’t believe he came back and didn’t tell me. Is he avoiding me?
“It’s dark out now, but I still want to show Lily the deck and the lake. The path is lit, so it’ll be nice. We’ll be right back in,” Asher announces, successfully interrupting my thoughts.
“Okay. You two go ahead.” Asher grabs her hand and leads her out the door. They’re barely out the door before I take the stairs, two at a time. I need to know if Phoenix is really here. When I reach the top of the stairs, the arguing on the other side of the cracked bedroom door confirms that he is.
“What the fuck, Sevyn?” he questions. Who is Sevyn? At first, I think someone is in the room with him until I see him pass the door with his cell phone attached to his ear. Unfortunately, he sees me too, so I’ve been busted trying to eavesdrop. That wasn’t my original intent, but I’m sure that is not the way it looks. “I’ll have to call you back.” He hangs up the phone and then comes to the doors and opens it wider.
“You can come in, Harlow,” he says as he gestures for me to come in.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation. I promise I wasn’t eavesdropping,” I explain.
“Okay. Are you going to come in?” I continue standing in the doorway for a few seconds before I finally accept his invite.
“How long have you been back? Why didn’t you wake me?” I fire in rapid succession. I know Asher may not be outside long, and I don’t want to be caught up here when he gets back.
“You looked like you were really tired, so I didn’t want to disturb you,” he says by way of explanation. I’m about to see if he is ready to talk about earlier, but then his phone rings in his hand. He looks down to see who’s calling before answering.
“Hello, Desiree. How’s it going?” His face brightens and puts a finger up as a motion to hold that thought. He walks away toward the bedroom window to continue their conversation.
“I know that sucks. Tell you what. Why don’t you have dinner with us? I was just getting ready to throw something together. I’m sure Asher would have no problem picking you up.” So it’s Desiree. I don’t know why, but that woman rubs me the wrong way for some reason. “The guys aren’t here, but they should be back any minute. And don’t worry, it’s no problem at all.” From his one-sided conversation, I gather Desiree is coming here. He says he will see her soon and ends the call.
“Sorry. That was Desiree,” Phoenix says. As if I hadn’t figured that part out. “She was heading to Los Angeles from here, but her flight has been delayed until morning. It would be ludicrous for her stay at the airport all that time.”
“Hotel, maybe?” I say under my breath.
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Well, I better get back downstairs, so Asher isn’t looking for me.” I hate that I’m feeling jealous. Shit is getting so blurred.
“Oh, okay. I guess since the guys aren’t here, I should be the one to pick her up from the airport. Asher is with his girl, so I’ll go.” I cringe. Asher is with his girl as if he isn’t. I’m not his girl. The fact that this bothers me signifies that my feelings are starting to change. I’m terrified. Worse yet, I can’t tell him for fear that he doesn’t feel the same. It could ruin everything.
“I’m going to go.” I turn and hurry back downstairs. There is no sign of Asher and Lily.
A few minutes later, Phoenix passes the living room on his way o
ut the door. “Tell Asher I’m taking the truck to go get Desiree. I’ll bring dinner back since I can’t do both.”
“Sure,” I reply without taking my eyes off the TV. I don’t even know what show this is. When Asher comes in with Lily, I fill him in.
“I think I may head back,” I mention casually. The truth is, I’m in a jealous, pissy mood. I’ve just come to the realization that I want Phoenix as more than just a friend—more than an arrangement.
“You have to stay,” Asher pleads. “I want you to get to know Lily. We’ve already eaten, but we can have a few bites of whatever Phoenix brings back.”
“I didn’t want to intrude on your time, but if you’re sure, I’ll stick around for a bit,” I lie to cover up my hesitancy.
“We’re sure,” Lily speaks up. We sit around the dinner table, and we talk about school and majors. She’s an education major and has considered transferring to the University of Alabama to be closer to Asher. Now that he is going on the road soon to tour, they’ve even considered her taking online classes, so the flexibility would leave her free to travel. They are just so happy together. The sacrifices they are willing to make for each other are evident. I want a piece of that. Someone who’s willing to make me a part of their plans and isn’t afraid to commit to making a real relationship work.
I pick at my Chinese food as the guys discuss their upcoming tour in a few months. My stomach is already sour because I know my time with Phoenix will come to an end.
“I’ve negotiated for you guys to have a slightly bigger tour bus than originally planned. It has one master bedroom and four bunks, but the space is luxurious and ample. You guys deserve to travel in style,” Desiree shares.
“Is it costing us more money from our advancement?” Phoenix asks.
“Nope. The company we use for our other bands agreed to give me a deal in exchange for exclusivity.” She smiles.
“Well, in that case, I’m ecstatic.” Phoenix winks. She touches his arm as she laughs, and I want to puke. They are openly flirting with each other. “As our business manager, are you going to be traveling with us?” I want to wipe that stupid grin right off his face. Hello? I’m sitting right here, asshole. Couldn’t you wait until I wasn’t around to try to get in her pants?
“Not all the time, but I will be with you guys some, especially in the beginning to orient you all to how things work. You all aren’t going to want me around once you start having groupies wanting to follow you,” she teases. What an insensitive bitch. She sees that Asher’s girl is sitting there, and she has no qualms about painting the pictures of whores on the bus with them.
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. We don’t allow those women into our personal space. We don’t do it here at the house and wouldn’t do it on the road.”
I push my plate of food away. Killian and Ren nod in agreement, while Asher and Lily seem to be engaged in their own private conversations. I tap my fingers on the table, contemplating an excuse to leave. I didn’t miss Phoenix’s future tense prediction in that statement. He is planning to have groupies, just not on the bus. I knew our arrangement would be short-lived, but it just feels like a slap in the face to hear him say it.
“If you say so. The road and fame change people,” Desiree continues.
“Well, I have my girl right here,” Asher finally speaks up. He leans over and kisses Lily on the cheek, and she blushes. Good for him. I knew I didn’t like this witch. She’s rude, and she’s been eye-fucking Phoenix since she got here. I can’t do it. My blood is boiling. I need to go. I have no ties to Phoenix, and he has obviously already entertained thoughts of what it’s going to be like on tour, even though he was just in my pussy a few days ago. I’m sure he and Desiree will end up fucking too. I can see the pull between those two. His consideration for her staying alone at the airport and wondering if she will be on the bus with them are the first two clues.
I take my plate to the kitchen and scrape the uneaten food in the trash. “I’m going to go, Asher. Nice meeting you, Lily.” I won’t even look at Phoenix.
“Drive safe, sis. Give me a call when you make it back.” Lily waves goodbye, and I force a smile and wave back. I grab my purse and blink away the tears as I head to the car. I get in and fumble with finding the key. I wish she had the push start one. When I finally find the key and put it into the ignition, I look up to see Phoenix standing in front of the car. The beams of light reflect on him as he crosses those muscular arms of his. He comes around and knocks on the window. I lower it just enough to hear what he is saying.
“What’s wrong, Harlow?”
“Nothing. Go back to your company.” I try to raise the window, but he slams his hand down on the top of the glass.
“Open the damn door, Harlow,” he growls. “Company? She’s our fucking manager. I knew you were jealous. Question is why?”
“I’m not jealous, asshole. Now move your fucking hand before it gets smashed,” I retort.
“Lies. You can’t hide shit. I read your face in there. It tells on you every time.” I reverse the car, just a little, to encourage him to let go, and he uses his other hand to slap the top of the car.
“Stop! Goddamnit, stop! I swear I will fucking cause a scene. You want Asher to find out about us tonight?” That gets my attention.
“You wouldn’t.” Asher would flip his shit. This could mess up everything for them. The band needs to be cohesive to succeed.
They can’t afford any conflict among them while they’re trying to establish themselves. What would be the point of telling Asher? Our relationship isn’t going anywhere. Hell, we don’t even have a relationship. We have an arrangement, or at least we had. Right now, I’m not so sure.
“I would. Now put the car in park and open the door.” He has me, and he knows it. He has to know that our exposure would be bad for the band, so why would he threaten that? I close my eyes in defeat, for a moment, before I do as he says. As soon as I open the door, he grabs my hand and pulls me out of the car. He spins me around, and my back is against the passenger window. “What’s going on with you? You have no reason to be jealous. This is why I don’t do relationships,” he huffs.
“You do what you want. I don’t care. What is the point of all this?” I say, gesturing around us. Why make this huge deal over what he presumes I’m feeling?
“I like what we started, and I don’t want it to end. I promised you exclusivity, and that is what I will give.”
“Are you sure, Phoenix? Because all you’ve been doing is running. You freaked the fuck out Thursday morning about losing control with me, and then again this afternoon when I asked you to fuck me. So you tell me what’s going on.” Phoenix backs away from me and runs both hands through his hair. He paces back and forth in front of me, obviously frustrated.
Chapter Twenty
Phoenix
Harlow just called me out on my shit, and I know she’s right. I’ve been all over the map with her. As of Thursday, I didn’t even know if I wanted to continue my arrangement with her. I don’t like that she can make me lose control or bend my rules. Yet I’m drawn to her like a magnet. She has resurrected another one of my flaws tonight, which is associated with my unquantifiable need for control. I didn’t mean for it to happen. It has already played out, and she has no idea. Jealousy. I purposely inflict it. It is a subset of my control. I wasn’t completely honest with Harlow. True, I don’t spank as a form of punishment, but my alternatives can be so much worse. The thing is, I never said there wouldn’t be any punishment. I use jealousy as a means to make one feel how I want them to feel. I guess, in a sense, it is pain—emotional pain.
The significance is that I’ve only ever done this to Melissa. It’s probably another reason it was so easy for her to walk away from me in the end. It’s another reason I can’t have a normal relationship, even if I desire one. The minute I would feel her pulling away from me or feel like I was losing my ability to control her, I would make her jealous of another woman. Her emotional tor
ment was her punishment and the gratification of power exchange for me. Her dependence on my love reassured me she wouldn’t leave me. Only she eventually did.
I thought I was over the need to exert this because it has been a couple of years since I’ve done it. After Melissa, nobody else was worth this kind of effort. I had my rules, and I stuck to them until Harlow. The realization that she is under my skin, more than I thought, is a mind fuck. I should completely leave her alone. The fact that I’ve purposely tried to hurt her tonight because I felt her pulling away is a fucking overwhelming indicator that I have feelings for her. My ability to succeed at making her jealous tells me she has feelings for me too. We have obliterated the lines to this arrangement. I’m fucking selfish, though. I can’t let her go.
“You’re right,” I finally tell her. “I lost control with you, and that really bothered me. I haven’t been myself. I have personal stuff on my mind, but I do want to continue our arrangement.”
“I don’t know, Phoenix. This hot and cold is—” I don’t let her finish that sentence. I’m on her in an instant. My mouth finds hers, and I coax her to open for me. She melts in my arms, and I know that I have her. She wraps her arms around my neck as I deepen the kiss. She’s mine, and this kiss confirms it.
“Umm hmm.” Desiree clears her throat behind us. Shit. Busted. “Does Asher know that you’re out here sucking face with his sister?”
“That is none of your business,” Harlow fires before I can get a word out.
“Oh, to the contrary, dear. I’m guessing Asher doesn’t know that the two of you are fucking, and that can destroy the chemistry of the band. So you see, it is my business.” The two women stare each other down. I think I recognize jealousy in Desiree too, but that can’t be. I’ve never touched her or given any indication that I wanted to. Yes, I’ve flirted a bit, but no more than I casually do with women as a persona.