by S R Watson
“It’s not what you think.” Harlow looks like she wants to kick me in the balls with that statement. It’s not like I can admit that Desiree’s right. She wants to keep this quiet, just like I do. That is the only reason she opened the car door for me.
“Don’t start lying to me, Phoenix. I’m pretty perceptive. I picked up on you two the day I came, and she was here. I’m surprised that Asher hasn’t picked up on it or the other guys. Maybe she just hides it well, until you’re around another woman. If those daggers she has been throwing me tonight is any indication, I’d say you’ve tapped that.” She breaks her stare with Harlow to look at me. “And of course, it was your excuse to leave then, to make sure she didn’t leave mad about your flirting with me tonight,” she smirks.
“Okay, yes.” Lying is useless at this point, so I just need to make sure she will keep her mouth closed. “Harlow and I are involved. It’s private, so we’ll just leave it at that. I trust that you will keep this to yourself.” Harlow makes a move to get in the car, but I stop her. No way in hell is she leaving upset after we have gotten past the other shit.
“My lips are sealed, but be careful, darlings. This will blow up in your faces, but it’s not my place to say anything. Just don’t fuck up the morale of the band.”
Our discussion is cut short by the Asher and Lily coming outside. I quickly step away from Harlow.
“Remember what I said,” I whisper. “I want this with you.” No explanation needed. She knows what “this” is.
“I was wondering where you all disappeared to,” Asher says.
“We were seeing Harlow off,” Desiree fills in quickly. “And I wanted to invite Harlow to lunch when I get back from Cali in a week.” Harlow’s face pales at this suggestion. I’m sure she’d rather cut an extremity off.
“Oh, that would be nice.” Asher has no idea.
“Yes, I think so. I’m sure she will be around quite a bit, and it would be nice to get away from the testosterone from time to time. What do you say, Harlow?”
“Sure. Asher has my number. Call me when you get back.” That fake smile on her face is almost believable. “Well, guys, I really do need to get on the road before it gets too late.” She hugs her brother and mouths, “Later” to me.
At least there will be a later. Shit is getting more and more muddled with each passing day.
Harlow
I officially hate that Desiree bitch. Her conniving ways are glaringly obvious—so manipulative. She wants Phoenix, and I can see it. “You’re not the only one that is perceptive,” was what I wanted to say. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to make waves with their manager, but damn I wanted to slap her. Then she had the audacity to invite me to lunch—fake ass bitch. Gah, I’m fuming. I don’t know what pisses me off more; the fact that I know that she is into Phoenix or that she tried to get in our business? I don’t even want to think about her on the road with them. She looks like a woman who is used to getting what she wants.
Then there’s Phoenix. He insists that he still wants our arrangement. That kiss was very convincing, so different from the one this afternoon. I think we’re both struggling to make sense of what we’re actually doing. The arrangement is okay, but I think it is a guise for what we are both feeling. I felt it in the way he held me this afternoon. I think it scared the shit out of him. This is new for me, too. I won’t push, though. As long as we are moving forward, I will try to be patient. Progress is progress. I’m done lying to myself. I want more. What “more” is remains to be seen, though. I don’t know what it looks like. I just know that I want whatever it is with him.
My cell rings, and I see that it is Phoenix calling. I can’t talk to him right now. We will talk, but not now, while I’m so confused about what I want to say—how much I want to admit. I’m afraid all of this will end when I tell him the truth. He’s going to run. I’m not trying to force him into anything, but I think it’s important he knows where I stand. I will call him tomorrow. For now, I don’t want to think about it.
I look over at Irelyn’s bed and the ton of shit she has back on it. I’m guessing she is still out with James, but just in case she comes back, she needs to get in her own bed. I don’t want any company tonight. I just want my space. I get like this when I’m sad. I’m sad because I’m worried about how tomorrow will play out once I confess to Phoenix that I have developed feelings. I walk over to Irelyn’s bed and shove all her shit onto the floor until nothing is left. A little extreme? Maybe. I climb into my bed after changing into gym shorts and a tee. I just want to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything. My phone rings a few more times before I turn the ringer off. Sorry, Phoenix. I cover my head with my blanket and wait for sleep to take me.
I feel arms wrap around my waist. I’m ready to ask Irelyn what the hell she is doing, but even in complete darkness, I can tell these are not Irelyn’s arms. “Phoenix?”
“Shhhh. Yes, princess. Sleep.” I have to be dreaming. How in the hell would he have gotten in here? He pulls me closer into his embrace, and I’m happy to indulge in the illusion. I close my eyes and let sleep take me under once again.
“Wake up, Harlow.” I wake to Phoenix shaking me, and Irelyn standing over us with her arms crossed.
“He is going to get us in trouble if they find him up here,” Irelyn says. I look up at him, and his messy bedhead makes me smile.
“Wait. How did you get in here?” I ask, finally snapping out of dreamland.
“I thought you snuck him in last night. I went to go sleep in Caroline’s room,” Irelyn says.
“Some blonde chick let me in last night. I think she said her name was Caroline. She felt sorry for me just sitting on the front steps outside.”
“And why were you sitting outside? Didn’t Harlow know you were out there?”
“She wouldn’t answer her phone, so I had to drive an hour to see her. Then she didn’t answer the phone for me to tell her I was here,” Phoenix confesses. God. He has just opened a shit ton of worms for me. Irelyn is going to want to get to the bottom of this. She is like a dog with a bone.
At least it was Caroline. She is such a sweetheart. She won’t tell anyone he’s up here, but we now need a way to sneak him downstairs.
“I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but he needs to go now—before everybody wakes up. It’s just after six now, so maybe we can get him out unseen.” Phoenix jumps out of bed and starts to put on his shoes. “Meet me outside in ten,” he says before kissing me on the cheek. I smile like a giddy schoolgirl.
“Ah, hell,” Irelyn groans as soon as he is out the door. “You have gone and caught feelings.” My grin widens even more. “Stop grinning like a Cheshire cat. I knew you weren’t ready for the big leagues. It’s ‘just fucking’ she said. ‘Just fucking’ my ass. You’re in love with him.”
“Oh shut it, Irelyn. Let me have this moment. He came to be with me last night.” Desiree was staying at the lake house until this morning, and he came to be with me. Maybe my little confession won’t be so bad, after all. It gives me a little more confidence to tell him. I won’t go as far as to say it’s love, but I definitely feel strongly for him.
“The dick must have been really good to have you singing a different tune so quickly.” She doesn’t know the half of it because I haven’t told her everything. This was a gradual build over a few months. I’m just finally at a point where I cannot only recognize it. I can admit it.
“God, I thought I was a pessimist.” I shake my head as I pull a change of clothes out of my drawer. I need to shower, so it’s going to be more than ten minutes.
“Just looking out for you, but I will say no more. I know that is not what you want to hear, so I’ll stop. We do need to find some time to talk, though. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore. We haven’t had much time together lately.”
“I agree. Let’s talk later today.” I plan on skipping my history class this morning. I won’t miss much. Besides, I have perfect attendanc
e up until this point. I’ll get the notes from Caroline.
“Fine. Don’t forget.” That pacifies her for now. I hurry down to our community bath so I can meet Phoenix.
“What time is your class?” Phoenix asks as soon as I walk up to him. He is sitting on his motorcycle.
“Eight, but I’m not going.”
“Uh. Yes, you are. I won’t be the reason you miss class. We have an hour to talk and get breakfast before I head back.” I fold my arms and pout, but he laughs. “That won’t work on me, princess.”
“Fine. Where are we going?”
“It’s your campus. You tell me,” he points out.
“I don’t want to eat here. We don’t have to go anywhere special, just away from here.” I don’t know how he is going to react. I’d rather not run into anyone I know in case the talk doesn’t go as I would like it to.
“Okay. Cracker Barrel it is, then.” He winks.
“Fine by me.” I hop on the back of his bike, and it purrs to life. I hold on tight through the turns. I bury my nose into his shirt, committing his natural scent to memory, in case this is the last time. This morning will be our defining moment. Things can go either way, but I won’t let him run. He will have to acknowledge my feelings and decide how we will proceed; none of this “we’ll talk later” business. When we arrive, we get a quiet booth in the corner. We wait until the server takes our order before we address “the talk.”
“We need to talk,” we both blurt out at the same time. He laughs, and I join in, more so to hide my nerves.
“You first, princess,” he says. Now I’m even more afraid. The little confidence I had going into this is gone. What if last night was meant to be a courtesy “let’s go our separate ways” night? I mean, he didn’t he try to have sex with me, and he refused to let me miss class this morning. He is heading back home after this. Shit. What if this is my final dismissal? “Get out of your head, Harlow. Just tell me what’s on your mind. You’re overthinking something, so just tell me.”
I’m scared shitless, so I just blurt it out before I talk myself out of it. “I have feelings for you.” He is too quiet. He just looks at me, and I don’t know what to make of it. “Please say something.”
Chapter Twenty - One
Phoenix
“Harlow. I already know.” She bites her lip nervously, and I have to say it’s quite endearing. I’ve been struggling with how to proceed from the moment I was able to admit to myself that I felt something for her too. I don’t even want to think of her walking away. She has gotten further with me than anyone has in a long time, yet I know that she will walk out of my life if I can’t give her what she is seeking. “I know because I feel it, too,” I finally admit. The megawatt smile that forms on her lips is priceless. She lets out a sigh of relief. I’m sure that was hard for her to tell me.
“I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“I can’t promise you anything. I will fuck up. I just ask for your patience.”
“What are you saying, Phoenix?” I know that I have to try, or I will lose her. I will give her the relationship she wants.
“We can make it official,” I finally say. “I want you to be mine. I already promised to be exclusive. Just don’t expect me to be some over-the-top romantic douche because I’m not that guy.” She grabs my hand across the table and squeezes.
“I don’t want that guy. I want you. My Dom.” Now I really wish I didn’t have to do the responsible thing and let her go to class. I want to celebrate our new relationship while balls deep in her wetness.
Our omelets arrive, and we both dig in. “So when do you want to tell Asher?” Harlow’s face pales, and her fork clatters against her plate.
“I’m not sure if that is a good idea, right now. He is so protective of me. I don’t want to cause tension for the band. Besides, you heard what Desiree said.”
“Fine. We’ll wait for now. I guess I need to show him I can abstain from the groupies first since I know that will be his biggest concern. We will have to eventually tell him, though. If he finds out on his own, he will be so pissed.” She nods in agreement.
“We will. I think it needs to come from me.” She pauses briefly before she continues. “What happens when you guys leave for your tour? What will happen with us?”
“Come with us.” The minute that suggestion leaves my mouth, I wonder if that would be a good idea. Regardless, I’m willing to try.
“How? I have school.”
“Well, I think Asher is trying to convince Lily to take online classes so that she could join us on the road sometimes. You could do the same thing. Couldn’t you?” She wouldn’t have to leave her life and friends to be on the road with us full-time, but taking online classes will give her flexibility for a visit.
“I’ll have to see. I don’t know if all the classes that I plan to take in the spring have an online option.”
She takes a few bites of her omelet before she pushes it away. “I hope they do. I admit that it’ll be nice. If I’m going to be a music journalist, it will be nice to see the whole picture.”
“That’s it? That’s the only reason you would come?” I put my hand across my heart. “I’m crushed,” I joke.
“Okay. Maybe it would be great to see you, too.”
“Just maybe.”
“Hush. Come on. I need to get to class if I’m going.” I’m tempted to say fuck it and keep her to myself today, but I need to work on the selfish thing. I wave down our server to pay the bill.
“I can’t let you be a slacker because of me.” We’re heading out the door, and I smack her ass. I love the roundness of it in the jeans she’s wearing. She turns to look at me and gasps. She looks around to see if anyone saw that. Her face is so red right now.
“What? You’re mine now, so everyone else can just fuck off. Your ass just looks too good in those jeans. Your fault.” She slaps my shoulder and rushes to my bike. Yeah, this is going to be so much fun. She’s about to find out what it really means to be mine. The gloves are really off now. I won’t hold back. I hope she is strong enough to handle all of my demons because I plan to introduce her to each and every one of them. I just hope she doesn’t run.
Harlow
The day passes with a blur. I attend my classes and manage to be back in the room by one. Irelyn is here, so she must have skipped her last class.
“What are you doing here?”
“My chemistry professor canceled class today, so I finished early.” She pats a seat next to her on her bed, and I know she is ready to talk. “Are you ready to fill me in?”
“Yeah. I guess so.” There is just so much she doesn’t know about…so much that I’ve hidden about myself. I know that I can trust her. I’m finally ready to share those missing pieces. I start by telling her about Phoenix. Well, everything except the D/s we partake in. Our sex life will remain private. Instead, I tell her that we’re official and about last night when Desiree caught us kissing.
“I don’t know what to say, Harlow. Obviously, you’re happy, so I want that for you. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Phoenix’s whole world is about to change. We both know how he’s gotten down in the past, not to mention his hot and cold.”
“I imagine we will have our ups and downs, just like any other couple. I don’t expect things to be perfect.” I sit on the bed next to her. “I know there will be women vying for his attention, but I’m willing to see if we can make it work.”
“I guess I’m just confused. This all seems so sudden. Just a few months ago, you were withdrawn and hid behind baggy clothes and makeup. Not a single man could turn your head. You went out of your way to avoid them. Why the drastic change?”
And there it is. My opening. “Irelyn, I was raped.”
“No. No. No. I figured it was something like that. I just didn’t want it to be true. I’m so sorry. Didn’t mean to push.” She is a blubbering mess.
“Stop. You’re fine. I want to tell you.” It’s not a story I
like to relive, but for her, I will. She has been so supportive from the beginning with my mood swings, bitchiness, and just overall weirdness. She deserves the truth.
“It was stepdad number three. After my mom left Asher’s dad, she met and married Thomas. She is completely in love with him, and her marriage to him has lasted the longest. The first six months were fine, but then he started sneaking into my room.”
“Oh God, Harlow. How old were you?” Tears start to well in my eyes, but I have to continue.
“I was sixteen. It was my junior year. He threatened to beat me and to leave my mother. She was so happy with him, Irelyn. I couldn’t be the cause of her to lose yet another husband. I know better now, but back then, he had me brainwashed. He knew everything to say. I became his toy. The visits at night became more and more frequent until I was a shell of my former self. I fucking endured that abuse for two years. I would tell my mother I was staying over at a friend’s, just to get away from him when really I would sleep in a park or whatever place I could find.” I’m full out crying now.
“Oh, Harlow.” Irelyn hugs me, and she is crying with me. “You can’t let him get away with this. You have to tell your mom. What if he is doing this to somebody else now?”
“I can’t, Irelyn. I’m not there yet. It took a lot just to tell you, and you’re my best friend. Please promise you won’t say anything until I’m ready.” She nods her understanding, but I know how much she hates to agree to that. “Phoenix has saved me. He makes me feel whole again. My sexuality and how much I give is on my terms. For the first time, I have a normal relationship where I’m free to share my body with someone I care about. He makes me feel sexy and desired. Even when I tried to push him away, he wouldn’t give up. He saw past all the baggy clothes and makeup, just like you did. He saw me, Irelyn.” She wipes the tears from her eyes.