by Daniel Defoe
theboarding-school, and the like, she was recommended to a boarding-schoolat Camberwell, and there she contracted an acquaintance with a younglady (so they are all called), her bedfellow, that they called sisters,and promised never to break off their acquaintance.
But judge you what an unaccountable surprise I must be in when I came onboard the ship and was brought into the captain's cabin, or what theycall it, the great cabin of the ship, to see his lady or wife, andanother young person with her, who, when I came to see her near hand,was my old cook-maid in the Pall Mall, and, as appeared by the sequel ofthe story, was neither more or less than my own daughter. That I knewher was out of doubt; for though she had not had opportunity to see mevery often, yet I had often seen her, as I must needs, being in my ownfamily so long.
If ever I had need of courage, and a full presence of mind, it was now;it was the only valuable secret in the world to me, all depended uponthis occasion; if the girl knew me, I was undone; and to discover anysurprise or disorder had been to make her know me, or guess it, anddiscover herself.
I was once going to feign a swooning and fainting away, and so fallingon the ground, or floor, put them all into a hurry and fright, and bythat means to get an opportunity to be continually holding something tomy nose to smell to, and so hold my hand or my handkerchief, or both,before my mouth; then pretend I could not bear the smell of the ship, orthe closeness of the cabin. But that would have been only to remove intoa clearer air upon the quarter-deck, where we should, with it, have hada clearer light too; and if I had pretended the smell of the ship, itwould have served only to have carried us all on shore to the captain'shouse, which was hard by; for the ship lay so close to the shore, thatwe only walked over a plank to go on board, and over another ship whichlay within her; so this not appearing feasible, and the thought notbeing two minutes old, there was no time, for the two ladies rose up,and we saluted, so that I was bound to come so near my girl as to kissher, which I would not have done had it been possible to have avoidedit, but there was no room to escape.
I cannot but take notice here, that notwithstanding there was a secrethorror upon my mind, and I was ready to sink when I came close to her tosalute her, yet it was a secret inconceivable pleasure to me when Ikissed her, to know that I kissed my own child, my own flesh and blood,born of my body, and who I had never kissed since I took the fatalfarewell of them all, with a million of tears, and a heart almost deadwith grief, when Amy and the good woman took them all away, and wentwith them to Spitalfields. No pen can describe, no words can express, Isay, the strange impression which this thing made upon my spirits. Ifelt something shoot through my blood, my heart fluttered, my headflashed, and was dizzy, and all within me, as I thought, turned about,and much ado I had not to abandon myself to an excess of passion at thefirst sight of her, much more when my lips touched her face. I thought Imust have taken her in my arms and kissed her again a thousand times,whether I would or no.
But I roused up my judgment, and shook it off, and with infiniteuneasiness in my mind, I sat down. You will not wonder if upon thissurprise I was not conversable for some minutes, and that the disorderhad almost discovered itself. I had a complication of severe things uponme, I could not conceal my disorder without the utmost difficulty, andyet upon my concealing it depended the whole of my prosperity; so I usedall manner of violence with myself to prevent the mischief which was atthe door.
Well, I saluted her, but as I went first forward to the captain's lady,who was at the farther end of the cabin, towards the light, I had theoccasion offered to stand with my back to the light, when I turnedabout to her, who stood more on my left hand, so that she had not a fairsight of me, though I was so near her. I trembled, and knew neither whatI did or said, I was in the utmost extremity, between so many particularcircumstances as lay upon me, for I was to conceal my disorder fromeverybody at the utmost peril, and at the same time expected everybodywould discern it. I was to expect she would discover that she knew me,and yet was, by all means possible, to prevent it. I was to concealmyself, if possible, and yet had not the least room to do anythingtowards it. In short, there was no retreat, no shifting anything off, noavoiding or preventing her having a full sight of me, nor was there anycounterfeiting my voice, for then my husband would have perceived it. Inshort, there was not the least circumstance that offered me anyassistance, or any favourable thing to help me in this exigence.
After I had been upon the rack for near half-an-hour, during which Iappeared stiff and reserved, and a little too formal, my spouse and thecaptain fell into discourses about the ship and the sea, and businessremote from us women; and by-and-by the captain carried him out upon thequarter-deck, and left us all by ourselves in the great cabin. Then webegan to be a little freer one with another, and I began to be a littlerevived by a sudden fancy of my own--namely, I thought I perceived thatthe girl did not know me, and the chief reason of my having such anotion was because I did not perceive the least disorder in hercountenance, or the least change in her carriage, no confusion, nohesitation in her discourse; nor, which I had my eye particularly upon,did I observe that she fixed her eyes much upon me, that is to say, notsingling me out to look steadily at me, as I thought would have been thecase, but that she rather singled out my friend the Quaker, and chattedwith her on several things; but I observed, too, that it was all aboutindifferent matters.
This greatly encouraged me, and I began to be a little cheerful; but Iwas knocked down again as with a thunderclap, when turning to thecaptain's wife, and discoursing of me, she said to her, "Sister, Icannot but think my lady to be very much like such a person." Then shenamed the person, and the captain's wife said she thought so too. Thegirl replied again, she was sure she had seen me before, but she couldnot recollect where; I answered (though her speech was not directed tome) that I fancied she had not seen me before in England, but asked ifshe had lived in Holland. She said, No, no, she had never been out ofEngland, and I added, that she could not then have known me in England,unless it was very lately, for I had lived at Rotterdam a great while.This carried me out of that part of the broil pretty well, and to makeit go off better, when a little Dutch boy came into the cabin, whobelonged to the captain, and who I easily perceived to be Dutch, Ijested and talked Dutch to him, and was merry about the boy, that is tosay, as merry as the consternation I was still in would let me be.
However, I began to be thoroughly convinced by this time that the girldid not know me, which was an infinite satisfaction to me, or, at least,that though she had some notion of me, yet that she did not thinkanything about my being who I was, and which, perhaps, she would havebeen as glad to have known as I would have been surprised if she had;indeed, it was evident that, had she suspected anything of the truth,she would not have been able to have concealed it.
Thus this meeting went off, and, you may be sure, I was resolved, ifonce I got off of it, she should never see me again to revive her fancy;but I was mistaken there too, as you shall hear. After we had been onboard, the captain's lady carried us home to her house, which was butjust on shore, and treated us there again very handsomely, and made uspromise that we would come again and see her before we went to concertour affairs for the voyage and the like, for she assured us that bothshe and her sister went the voyage at that time for our company, and Ithought to myself, "Then you'll never go the voyage at all;" for I sawfrom that moment that it would be no way convenient for my ladyship togo with them, for that frequent conversation might bring me to her mind,and she would certainly claim her kindred to me in a few days, as indeedwould have been the case.
It is hardly possible for me to conceive what would have been our partin this affair had my woman Amy gone with me on board this ship; it hadcertainly blown up the whole affair, and I must for ever after have beenthis girl's vassal, that is to say, have let her into the secret, andtrusted to her keeping it too, or have been exposed and undone. The verythought filled me with horror.
But I was not so unhappy neither, as it fell out, for Amy was not withus, and
that was my deliverance indeed; yet we had another chance to getover still. As I resolved to put off the voyage, so I resolved to putoff the visit, you may be sure, going upon this principle, namely, thatI was fixed in it that the girl had seen her last of me, and shouldnever see me more.
However, to bring myself well off, and, withal, to see, if I could, alittle farther into the matter, I sent my friend the Quaker to thecaptain's lady to make the visit promised, and to make my excuse that Icould not possibly wait on her, for that I was very much out of order;and in the end of the discourse I bade her insinuate to them that shewas afraid I should not be able to get ready to go the voyage as soon asthe captain would be obliged to go, and that perhaps we might put it offto his next voyage. I did not let the Quaker into any other reason forit than that I was indisposed; and not knowing what other face to putupon that part, I made her believe that I thought I was a-breeding.
It was easy to put that into her head, and she of course hinted to thecaptain's lady that she found me so very ill that she was afraid I wouldmiscarry, and then, to be sure, I could not think of going.
She went, and she managed that part very dexterously, as I knew shewould, though she knew not a word of the grand reason of myindisposition; but I was all sunk and dead-hearted again when she toldme she could not understand the meaning of one thing in her visit,namely, that the young woman, as she called her, that was with thecaptain's lady, and who she called sister, was most impertinentlyinquisitive into things; as who I was? how long I had been in England?where I had lived? and the like; and that, above all the rest, sheinquired if I did not live once at the other end of the town.
"I thought her inquiries so out of the way," says the honest Quaker,"that I gave her not the least satisfaction; but as I saw by thy answerson board the ship, when she talked of thee, that thou didst not inclineto let her be acquainted with thee, so I was resolved that she shouldnot be much the wiser for me; and when she asked me if thou everlived'st here or there, I always said, No, but that thou wast a Dutchlady, and was going home again to thy family, and lived abroad."
I thanked her very heartily for that part, and indeed she served me init more than I let her know she did: in a word, she thwarted the girl socleverly, that if she had known the whole affair she could not havedone it better.
But, I must acknowledge, all this put me upon the rack again, and I wasquite discouraged, not at all doubting but that the jade had a rightscent of things, and that she knew and remembered my face, but hadartfully concealed her knowledge of me till she might perhaps do it moreto my disadvantage. I told all this to Amy, for she was all the relief Ihad. The poor soul (Amy) was ready to hang herself, that, as she said,she had been the occasion of it all; and that if I was ruined (which wasthe word I always used to her), she had ruined me; and she tormentedherself about it so much, that I was sometimes fain to comfort her andmyself too.
What Amy vexed herself at was, chiefly, that she should be surprised soby the girl, as she called her; I mean surprised into a discovery ofherself to the girl; which indeed was a false step of Amy's, and so Ihad often told her. But it was to no purpose to talk of that now, thebusiness was, how to get clear of the girl's suspicions, and of the girltoo, for it looked more threatening every day than other; and if I wasuneasy at what Amy had told me of her rambling and rattling to her(Amy), I had a thousand times as much reason to be uneasy now, when shehad chopped upon me so unhappily as this; and not only had seen my face,but knew too where I lived, what name I went by, and the like.
And I am not come to the worst of it yet neither, for a few days aftermy friend the Quaker had made her visit, and excused me on the accountof indisposition, as if they had done it in over and above kindness,because they had been told I was not well, they come both directly to mylodgings to visit me: the captain's wife and my daughter (who she calledsister), and the captain, to show them the place; the captain onlybrought them to the door, put them in, and went away upon some business.
Had not the kind Quaker, in a lucky moment, come running in before them,they had not only clapped in upon me, in the parlour, as it had been asurprise, but which would have been a thousand times worse, had seen Amywith me; I think if that had happened, I had had no remedy but to takethe girl by herself, and have made myself known to her, which would havebeen all distraction.
But the Quaker, a lucky creature to me, happened to see them come to thedoor, before they rung the bell, and instead of going to let them in,came running in with some confusion in her countenance, and told me whowas a-coming; at which Amy run first and I after her, and bid the Quakercome up as soon as she had let them in.
I was going to bid her deny me, but it came into my thoughts, thathaving been represented so much out of order, it would have looked veryodd; besides, I knew the honest Quaker, though she would do anythingelse for me, would not lie for me, and it would have been hard to havedesired it of her.
After she had let them in, and brought them into the parlour, she cameup to Amy and I, who were hardly out of the fright, and yet werecongratulating one another that Amy was not surprised again.
They paid their visit in form, and I received them as formally, but tookoccasion two or three times to hint that I was so ill that I was afraidI should not be able to go to Holland, at least not so soon as thecaptain must go off; and made my compliment how sorry I was to bedisappointed of the advantage of their company and assistance in thevoyage; and sometimes I talked as if I thought I might stay till thecaptain returned, and would be ready to go again; then the Quaker putin, that then I might be too far gone, meaning with child, that I shouldnot venture at all; and then (as if she should be pleased with it)added, she hoped I would stay and lie in at her house; so as thiscarried its own face with it, 'twas well enough.
But it was now high time to talk of this to my husband, which, however,was not the greatest difficulty before me; for after this and other chathad taken up some time, the young fool began her tattle again; and twoor three times she brought it in, that I was so like a lady that she hadthe honour to know at the other end of the town, that she could not putthat lady out of her mind when I was by, and once or twice I fancied thegirl was ready to cry; by and by she was at it again, and at last Iplainly saw tears in her eyes; upon which I asked her if the lady wasdead, because she seemed to be in some concern for her. She made me mucheasier by her answer than ever she did before; she said she did notreally know, but she believed she was dead.
This, I say, a little relieved my thoughts, but I was soon down again;for, after some time, the jade began to grow talkative; and as it wasplain that she had told all that her head could retain of Roxana, andthe days of joy which I had spent at that part of the town, anotheraccident had like to have blown us all up again.
I was in a kind of dishabille when they came, having on a loose robe,like a morning-gown, but much after the Italian way; and I had notaltered it when I went up, only dressed my head a little; and as I hadbeen represented as having been lately very ill, so the dress wasbecoming enough for a chamber.
This morning vest, or robe, call it as you please, was more shaped tothe body than we wear them since, showing the body in its true shape,and perhaps a little too plainly if it had been to be worn where any menwere to come; but among ourselves it was well enough, especially for hotweather; the colour was green, figured, and the stuff a French damask,very rich.
This gown or vest put the girl's tongue a running again, and her sister,as she called her, prompted it; for as they both admired my vest, andwere taken up much about the beauty of the dress, the charming damask,the noble trimming, and the like, my girl puts in a word to the sister(captain's wife), "This is just such a thing as I told you," says she,"the lady danced in." "What," says the captain's wife, "the Lady Roxanathat you told me of? Oh! that's a charming story," says she, "tell it mylady." I could not avoid saying so too, though from my soul I wished herin heaven for but naming it; nay, I won't say but if she had beencarried t'other way it had been much as one to me, if I could but
havebeen rid of her, and her story too, for when she came to describe theTurkish dress, it was impossible but the Quaker, who was a sharp,penetrating creature, should receive the impression in a more dangerousmanner than the girl, only that indeed she was not so dangerous aperson; for if she had known it all, I could more freely have trustedher than I could the girl, by a great deal, nay, I should have beenperfectly easy in her.
However, as I have said, her talk made me dreadfully uneasy, and themore when the captain's wife mentioned but the name of Roxana. What myface might do towards betraying me I knew not, because I could not seemyself, but my heart beat as if it would have jumped out at my mouth,and my passion was so great, that, for want of vent, I thought I shouldhave burst. In a word, I was in a kind of a silent rage, for the force Iwas under of restraining my passion was such as I never felt the likeof. I had no vent, nobody to open myself to, or to make a complaint to,for my relief; I durst not leave the room by any means, for then shewould have told all the story in my absence, and I should have beenperpetually uneasy to know what she had said, or had not said; so that,in a word, I was obliged to sit and hear her tell all the story ofRoxana, that is to say, of myself, and not know at the same time whethershe was in earnest or in jest, whether she knew me or no; or, in short,whether I was to be exposed, or not exposed.
She began only in general with telling where she lived, what a place shehad of it, how gallant a company her lady had always had in the house;how they used to sit up all night in the house gaming and dancing; whata fine lady her mistress was, and what a vast deal of money the upperservants got; as for her, she said, her whole business was in the nexthouse, so that she got but little, except one night that there wastwenty guineas given to be divided among the servants, when, she said,she got