by Rayman Black
The elevator doors slid open and we piled inside, each lost in our own thoughts. It bothered me that Katie left like she did, that I hadn’t heard from her. Did she not want to see me? Did she regret last night? I needed to see her face, see her eyes when we talked about it. We were going to have to talk about it. There was no doubt she was panicked, but that was okay. I felt a little panicked myself, whenever I thought about last night. But did she also have that simple joy inside her? Was she happy, or was she miserable?
We left the hotel and walked the short distance to the restaurant, Joshua leading the way. The morning air whipped past us and I welcomed the bracing chill of it. I breathed deeply through my nose, letting the morning sun and spring air scrub the remaining cobwebs from my brain. I relaxed my shoulders, feeling muscles I didn’t know were tense throb faintly as they released tension.
Before long, we were seated at a table, with an empty place for Thomas just in case. We ordered too much food and a constant supply of coffee, then just leaned back and sat quietly for a while. I imagined Kevin was thinking of Sabrina, about getting back to his bride as soon as he could, and I felt a stab of guilt. This was my problem, not his.
“I shouldn’t have dragged you out like this,” I said, breaking the comfortable silence. Kevin jolted slightly. “I’m sorry, man. You should be ordering room service in your underwear with Sabrina, not out at a restaurant with my sorry ass.”
Kevin shook his head. “Where do you think Sabrina likely is right now?” he asked. “I’d bet a thousand bucks she’s with Katie, Lori, and Judith right now. Just like I’m willing to bet we’ll hear from Thomas before long, and he’ll be starving when he gets here.” He grinned. “Why do you think I ordered so much food? Don’t be sorry, man. You’ve got a thing. We’re here for it.”
“It’s what friends do,” Joshua agreed. His phone buzzed on the table, and he picked it up, grinning. “See?” he asked, turning the screen to face me. Thomas had sent a text.
Five minutes
I laughed, comforted. “Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.”
Thomas showed up, his face red from the wind. “Hey, what’d I miss?” he asked, dropping into the empty chair next to me. He nudged me with his shoulder. “I hear you’re a happily married man now,” he teased.
“I don’t know about happily, but it sure seems I’m married, yeah,” I said, drinking my coffee. “It’s so weird to say that.”
“Tell me about it,” Thomas and Kevin said together. We laughed. God, I loved these guys. Nothing phased them, nothing shocked them. They just took whatever came and kept rolling.
“Now that Thomas is here, I have something to say,” Kevin said, but he was interrupted by our waitress bringing out our order. She didn’t even blink at the sudden addition of another person, she just smiled politely and disappeared to get another coffee cup. Kevin waited until she had gone again before continuing.
“You said something about an annulment back at the hotel,” he began. “And while I get why you might want one, I want you to think about maybe not pursuing that avenue just yet.”
I blinked, too surprised to speak. An annulment seemed inevitable. What other avenue was there?
As if he could read my thought, he explained. “All of us saw you with Katie last night. You were into her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you into a woman like that. And we know you, man. I was saying it before. Making a big life choice on a whim is not your usual protocol, and I don’t care how much you’ve had to drink. There was a reason you asked Katie to marry you, and a reason she said yes.”
I snorted humorlessly. “Yeah, and the reason is great sex. But that’s not enough, not nearly enough, for something like a marriage. She doesn’t know anything about me, and I don’t know anything about her.” The words I spoke when I proposed to Katie went through my mind. I’m crazy about you. I may not know everything about you now, but I can’t imagine anything better than getting to know you more every day for forever. I pushed them away. That was all well and good when you were drunk in Las Vegas, but how would that hold up when we got back to Boston?
Thomas was shaking his head. “Kevin’s got a point, though. I’ve known Katie almost as long as I’ve known you, Chris. She’s smart and she’s stubborn. If she hadn’t wanted to marry you, deep down where it counts, she wouldn’t have. I think the same goes for you. Getting married was crazy, sure, but crazier things have turned out well, right?”
“I’m just saying I would hate for you to pursue an annulment and later realize it was a mistake,” Kevin said. “You like her, right? I mean, of course you like her. So maybe you just leave things the way they are and date her, see what happens.”
It sounded crazy, but at the same time it made a lot of sense. “It all depends on what she wants, too,” I reminded them.
“But if you think it’s a good idea, you’ll be able to convince her of it, too,” Joshua reasoned, joining in agreement with the other men. “If you don’t, she probably won’t, either.”
We fell silent, digging into the mounds of breakfast food in front of us. I thought of Katie, of her lovely face, her gorgeous body. I enjoyed those aspects of her, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t her looks that kept my mind hooked on her. I remembered how she had looked at the bar, the kaleidoscope of emotions swirling in her jade green eyes. Sadness, anger, rebellion. She was such a compelling combination of fierce and soft, and I could tell she had many layers to her, layers a lucky man would one day peel back one at a time to discover the treasure lying beneath. I wanted to be that man.
“But what if she doesn’t want that?” I asked again, not really meaning to say it aloud.
Thomas clapped me on the back. “Only one way to find out,” he said.
Helpful, thanks.
I pushed the thought away. Sarcasm wasn’t helpful, that was for sure.
Joshua pushed his plate back with a sigh and sipped his coffee. He studied me over the rim of his cup. “Listen man, I’m going to be straight with you,” he said. “I think you’ve got a good chance with a great woman here, and I see you resisting it. I think that’s because you’re letting too many things in your past tell you what to do now.”
Angela’s face flashed through my mind, there and gone so fast I wouldn’t have realized she was there except for the phantom ache her memory always left behind. I shook my head.
“I told you yesterday, Angela’s ancient history,” I reminded him. “She has nothing to do with Katie. Or whatever comes next.”
“But that man does,” Joshua said, and my skin went cold.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said quietly.
Silence fell over the table, heavy and immutable, until Kevin broke it. “I think Joshua has a point,” he said gently. “I think there’s more than one thing that’s been tripping you up, Chris.”
“I’m not saying you don’t have a lot on your mind, or that you shouldn’t be thinking about the things you’re thinking about,” Joshua said. “But are you also thinking about you? It’s okay for you to take something for yourself, you know. You can be happy, too.”
Jesus, were all my demons going to come out to haunt me today? First Angela, now this.
Thomas looked confused. “It seems like there’s something I’m missing again,” he said.
I sighed. “Well, hell, might as well air all my shit this weekend, right?” I shook my head and smiled ruefully. “I mean, you’ve already heard about Angela.” At least part of it, I amended silently. I thought for a moment, unsure where to begin or how much to say. It wasn’t something I enjoyed talking about.
“When I was a kid, I saw something violent happen right in front of me,” I said, choosing my words carefully. I didn’t want to fling open the box I kept this in. I didn’t want it getting fully out. “I didn’t do anything about it then, but I want to now. There’s something I want to do, and until I’ve done it I don’t think I should be doing anything else. Even wooing a pretty woman,” I said, flicking glance a
t Joshua.
He shook his head. “It doesn’t have to be one or the other,” he said. “You can do whatever mystery penance you have in mind, but you can also get to know Katie. Maybe you’ll even have fun with her. You do remember what fun is, right?”
I scowled at him good-naturedly and he laughed. “Okay, okay,” I said, raising my hands palm out in surrender. “First I need to find Katie, but yeah, you’re right. All of you are. I really like her, and I’m not ready to let her go yet.”
Joshua and Kevin grinned at me. Thomas punched me in the shoulder. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and my heart literally leapt in my chest. Katie, I thought, forgetting that she didn’t have my number, either. I dug my phone out of my pocket and looked down at the screen.
Jeff.
Disappointment crashed through me, irritation hot on its heels. My star older brother was the last person I wanted to talk to right now. I silenced the phone and shoved it back in my pocket. I tried to pretend I didn’t feel the heavy sense of loss and guilt that thinking of my brother always brought. Good God, there were so many things I didn’t want to think about today.
“So like I said. In order for this to work,” I said, turning back to my friends as if nothing were wrong. “I have to find her first. Anyone know where I should look?”
9
Katie
“Okay,” I said, closing my laptop with a quiet click. “I think I have it figured out.” I tucked my fingers under my thighs to keep from chewing on my nails. I had already caught myself doing it twice this morning. My thumbnail was nearly down to the quick. My knee bounced rhythmically, but I barely registered it.
Lori looked over at me from the magazine she was reading. “What did you find out?” she asked, closing the glossy pages and setting it down next to her. “Do you need to hire a lawyer or anything?”
“No, thank God,” I said, pushing up to pace the room. I hugged my arms around my body. Maybe if I squeezed myself tightly enough, I would stop feeling like I might fly apart. “There’s paperwork and stuff, and fees, but I can do most of it online.” I smiled without humor. “Turns out lots of idiots like me come through here every month. Seriously, the numbers are ridiculous. There’s a whole separate protocol in the law for annulling marriages that you’re too drunk to remember participating in. I’d almost wonder why the city keeps such a thing going, but I guess there’s a lot of money to be made on drunken lunacy.”
Lori laughed, then held up her hand. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I promise. But you have to admit, it’s kind of funny.”
I glared at her half-heartedly. I couldn’t spare the energy to worry about anything else. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, my friend. You’re not going to think it’s so funny when I’m asking you to help me remember to send in papers and signatures, and pay fees on time. I can barely keep my work at school organized and turned in on time. Lord knows what I’ll do with a lengthy legal process. It sounded like it could take months, and there’s a possibility I could have to come back and show up in court.”
“Geez, Katie, that sounds serious,” Lori said, sobering immediately. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to make light of things. Of course I’ll help you keep it organized, if you need me. But you’re selling yourself short. You’re pretty on the ball all by yourself. Who was it that helped me finish my classes on time after everything that happened with Jack last year? That’s right, it was you, and your carefully detailed notes.”
I sighed and waved that away. “I was only that meticulous in order to help you. You should see my notes at any other time. Anyway, I guess it’s not all as bad as I’m making it sound. Those things are possible, but it’s rare to have to come back to go to court. I’ll have to hire a lawyer out here if that happens. I’m exaggerating because I’m freaking out. What the hell was I thinking last night? I must be completely insane.” I kicked the side of the bed as I passed. “And now I’ll pay for it. Literally.”
“Maybe Chris will help pay for it,” Lori suggested. “I’m sure he’ll see the fairness in that. He’s an honorable guy.”
“I don’t want to see Chris again to ask him,” I said. Liar, said the voice inside me. I frowned. “It wouldn’t be a good idea.” Well, that was closer to the truth. Oh, but I did want to see him again. I thought of how his hands felt on me, and I remembered his eyes, dark and intense. I wanted very badly to see him again. Which was why I needed to stay away.
“You’re going to have to see him again,” Lori said matter-of-factly. “I don’t think you can get a divorce without seeing the other person at least once. Doesn’t he have to sign papers and such, too?”
“It’s not a divorce,” I said, too quickly. “It’s an annulment. Like it never happened.” That’s exactly what I wanted right now. For this to have never happened.
Lori looked at me, her eyes troubled. “But it did happen, Katie. You’re going to have to deal with it.”
I ignored that and picked up my laptop, not looking at her. I headed for the door. “I need to get out of my head,” I said. “I’m going to go down to the lobby and people watch. Want to come with me?”
Lori shook her head, still busy watching me. “No, you go ahead. I’ll wait here for Sabrina and Judith to bring back the food. It shouldn’t be much longer. Want me to text you when they get here?”
I nodded, grateful she was letting it go. For now, at least. “Yeah, that’d be great. I’m starving.” I paused, then added, “Thank you, Lori.” She smiled, and I knew she understood I meant more than just the courtesy.
I walked down the silent hallway to the bank of elevators. I tried not to think of The Shining, but it wouldn’t have surprised me to turn a corner and find twin little girls holding hands and blocking the hall. It was so quiet.
It was easy to keep my mind blank as I rode the elevator down to the busy lobby. I just thought about the fuzzy screen on television when there’s nothing hooked up to the input. It filled my head with its low, comforting buzzing, and kept all other thoughts at bay. I wasn’t ready to think about anything else yet. Or maybe I needed a break from all the incessant thinking I had already been doing.
The lobby was beautiful. Aside from the striking glass flowers in the ceiling, there were seating areas artfully arranged in discreet intervals. I chose the one tucked behind the main door, partially screened by beautifully arranged flowers in an oversized urn. I could see the front desk from here, with its steady stream of people checking in and checking out. I sat with my computer closed on my lap, watching the vast stream of humanity as it poured through the lobby, heading for rooms or the casino or the famous Conservatory. You would hardly believe it wasn’t yet eight in the morning. Did no one ever sleep in this city? How many people could possibly be here?
Instead of the soothing people watching and nonthinking I had anticipated, the constant motion and activity robbed me of my inner calm, and Chris intruded on my thoughts. I could almost feel his muscled body between my thighs, and I clenched my legs together against the wave of heat that flooded me. Jesus, what was up with me? My reactions to this man were too intense. And it wasn’t just his body, though that was amazing. It wasn’t just the sex, either, even if he had surprised me with a level of attentiveness I hadn’t experienced before. Never had I had so many orgasms in so short a time, unless I was giving them to myself. But there was something else about him that drew me, some part of him that resonated with some part of me deep inside.
But that had to be wishful thinking. I didn’t resonate with men. I didn’t let them in that far. It wasn’t part of the deal. I liked to flirt, and I liked spending time with attractive guys. But none of them saw past the surface. None of them wanted to.
Did Chris? I felt like he had last night. When he had first looked at me at the bar, I felt like he saw my sadness, like he understood it. And when we talked, he seemed to see past the teasing and the flirting and look at the real me. It comforted me. It intrigued me.
It scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know what to
do with that dynamic. It was so different from the usual one.
I blew out a breath and opened my computer purposefully. I didn’t want to think about Chris anymore, with his perfectly cut abs and his intelligent, knowing gaze. I didn’t want to remember his lips on mine or the way he whispered my name as he pulsed inside me.
“Good God, Katie, it’s just sex,” I tried to tell myself. “It’s not a big deal.”
I drowned out the voice inside that whispered, Liar.
I turned my thoughts to my conversation with Lori earlier as I mindlessly cruised social media. How could I show her how much I appreciated her friendship? And Judith’s, too. It couldn’t have been easy to keep trying to tell me what I didn’t want to hear. I valued their efforts so much, now that I could see what they were doing. I felt a little foolish for getting so upset about it at the time, but I decided to give myself a bit of a break. I knew what the problem was now, and that was all that mattered.
“I’m struggling with depression,” I said aloud, quietly. Even just speaking it like that made me feel better, feel in control. A problem had been identified. Now I could figure out what to do about it. And I thought I knew just the thing.
Abandoning my social media feeds, I went to my favorite search engine and typed in yoga ashram to visit India. The third result was an article titled, “10 Best Yoga Ashrams in India.” It seemed like as good a place as any to start, so I clicked on it and started to read. Before long, I was clicking between several tabs, all of them with pages about the programs offered at different ashrams or sites comparing plane ticket prices from Boston to various major cities in India. I fell into a hole, following rabbit trails across the internet.
By the time my phone buzzed beside me, I found myself on a message board devoted to fans of Eat, Pray, Love who had taken their inspiration from the book and made their own pilgrimages. The things other people did were fascinating! Many people had followed in Elizabeth Gilbert’s footsteps exactly, or as exactly as they could. Others used her journey as a launching point for their own, making the locations more personal to them. Exotic places like the Greek isles, the French Mediterranean, and different places in Italy were commonly talked about, but there were others, too. One woman wrote long, impassioned posts about finding herself as she lived in remote places with all her worldly goods strapped to her back. I loved reading her writing, but the idea of committing to an extended stay at an ashram still appealed most to me. It sounded so peaceful, yet also so purposeful.