Crave for Me

by Rayman Black

  “I don’t know, Chris,” she said, her voice turning serious again. “This is a really big thing, you know? We can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.” For some reason, her own words made her flush again, and she looked away from me.

  “We can try,” I said, trying like hell to keep the desperation out of my voice. I felt her slipping away. “For, like, thirty days. What do you say? Thirty days isn’t forever, and it’s probably still within the time frame of an annulment, right?” She nodded, her eyes darting back to mine, and I felt a rush of encouragement. “So we don’t do anything right now, we just explore what may be there between us, okay? Just for a month. If you still want the annulment at the end of the month, I won’t contest it. I’ll do everything I can to help you get it, and I’ll pay all the fees. What do you have to lose?”

  She watched me for a long moment, and I tried to keep my eagerness off of my face. Finally, I couldn’t take the suspense anymore. I added, “When you get to the end of your life, do you want to have a regret about this? I don’t know, maybe you won’t. But if we don’t give ourselves a chance here, if we can’t at least try, I will regret the loss every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want that for either of us, no matter how scared I am.”

  She smiled, a small, sad smile that broke my heart clean in two and made me want to pull her into the shelter of my arms. “You’re scared?” she asked, her voice half disbelieving and half questioning.

  I nodded. “Of course I am. Who wouldn’t be? I hear skydiving is scary, too, but it’s still supposed to be the biggest rush of your life.” I reached out to hold her hand. “Do you want to take a risk with me?” I kept my eyes on hers, waiting, trying to keep a lid on my anxiety.

  “I’m late for breakfast,” she said, fidgeting awkwardly with the hem of her shirt. “They’re all waiting for me in our room, so I’ve got to go.” She paused, looking away, and my heart sank. She was going to say no again. But her eyes returned to mine and she offered me a small smile. “Would you like to meet up later, maybe? We could go do something together, see what happens.”

  Joy bloomed in my chest and I grinned. “I’d like that,” I said. I brought her hand to my lips, then let it go. She smiled at me again and walked away, heading for the elevators. I watched her go, this tiny figure in yoga pants and a bright red sweater, her hair pulled off of her face with a thick black band. She was such a mysterious blend of playful sexuality and quiet sadness. I felt drawn to her, connected to her. I wanted to know why her eyes were so sad when she thought no one was looking. I wanted to make her laugh again.

  There goes my wife, I thought, contentment a warm, solid weight in my chest. My wife. Intoxicating words.

  Now I just had to figure out how to keep her.

  11

  Katie

  I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked away, so I tried to add a little bounce for him. I took a deep breath, clutching my computer to my side as I headed for the elevators. Somehow I would have to find it today, the up-for-anything side of me that was playful and flirty and made men feel special. I wanted Chris to feel special around me. But right now it was all I could do not to burst into tears. I desperately needed a minute alone.

  Just past the bank of elevators were public restrooms, and I ducked into the ladies room, locking myself in a stall. I leaned my head against the side, closing my eyes and hugging my laptop to my chest. Tears squeezed out between my lids and rolled down my cheeks, but I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. Chris doesn’t want an annulment. I couldn’t decide why this made me feel so light.

  Before I saw him this morning, I was certain that not only did I want this whole thing to not exist, but also that Chris must be kicking himself for his own stupidity in marrying me. I couldn’t imagine him as anything but regretful in the cold light of day, no matter how romantically crazy getting married had seemed in the night. That he wanted to stay married so we could date each other was just the same kind of crazy sweetness that I was coming to see was as much a part of this man as his brown eyes and hard muscles.

  I would never forget the look on his face when he turned around and saw me. Shock, followed quickly by an unabashed delight and joy I had never seen directed at me before. The truth was, I felt like he saw me, the real me behind the coy smiles and flirty laughter. His gaze seemed to pierce right through the layers and see what I didn’t let anyone see. It made me feel exposed and vulnerable, but also weirdly safe.

  I dashed the tears from my cheeks with shaking fingers, unsure how to sort through the different emotions swirling through me. I obviously couldn’t go back to my friends with tear stains on my face. That wasn’t the Katie they knew. It would freak them out. I took three slow, deep breaths and squared my shoulders. I shook back my hair and opened the door, flashing a beaming smile at myself in the mirror. Good enough. If my eyes were still shadowed, no one would really notice. Not if I just kept smiling.

  I looked around for Chris when I left the bathroom, hoping I wouldn’t run into him again by the elevator or something. There was no way I would be able to hold it together or put in the effort required to keep things bubbly if he looked at me now how he’d looked at me before. I would break down in his arms and likely embarrass us both. I kept up the deep breathing as I rode the elevator up, and by the time Lori answered my knock, I felt I had myself at least mostly under control.

  “Hey, we were getting worried,” she said, the concern evident on her face even if she hadn’t said anything. She offered a smile and added, “Come sit down. Your breakfast is getting cold.”

  I smiled back and followed her into the room. Sabrina sat cross-legged on one bed, a styrofoam container on her lap and a plastic fork in her hand. Her mouth was full but her eyes lit up when she saw me. Judith sat on the other bed, another container on her own lap. She smiled warmly at me as I came in. I let out a quiet breath, glad to be in this room with these women.

  They had set my breakfast on the desk, with a small bottle of orange juice and large cup of coffee. I felt tears well again at the sight of it, and I shook my head. Mother Mary and Joseph, I wasn’t a crier! Why were my eyes acting like this today?

  “Thanks for going,” I said, sitting down at the desk. “This smells great, and I’m starving.” Actually, my stomach still held too many knots to know if I was hungry or not, but eating was probably a good idea, anyway.

  Lori picked up her abandoned breakfast from the dresser and perched on the end of the bed Judith was on. I flipped open the lid of my own container and quickly shoved a forkful in my mouth, hoping no one would ask me questions while my mouth was full. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Then my eyes closed on an unexpected sigh. The hash browns were cooked perfectly, just crispy enough on top to crunch satisfyingly but still chewy underneath. My appetite revved up with a vengeance, and I ate ravenously as my friends slowly began picking up the conversation I interrupted when I arrived.

  “So they have to leave tonight?” Judith asked, disappointment clear in her voice. “What happened?”

  Lori nodded. “Thomas said a couple of the men from the other station, the ones who were covering for them this weekend, can’t make their shift tomorrow. They have the flu that was going around, and there aren’t enough for a safe shift. Chief Roberts called a little bit ago to ask if a couple of them could come back tonight. He even offered to pay for the fees to change their tickets. Thomas and Joshua agreed to go.” She looked at Sabrina. “Would you hate me if I went back with them? I don’t think it’s going to be an easy 24 hours to work, after last night and a long flight home tonight. He has to be at the station at eight, and I want to help him tomorrow.”

  Sabrina waved a hand dismissively, swallowing before she spoke. “Of course you’re going to go with him, don’t be silly! This has kind of turned into an early honeymoon, and we’ll be fine. Besides,” she said, looking at me. “I still have Katie and Judith around, right?”

  Judith cleared her throat. “Um, actually, if that’s the case, I shou
ld go home tonight, too.” She blushed, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “I have a lot of work to do for a couple of my classes, especially if I want to beat the deadlines.”

  Lori snorted. “Right. And it has nothing to do with your sudden attachment to a handsome young fireman we all know and love?”

  Sabrina giggled as Judith blushed deeper. “Oh, honey, we’re just teasing you. He really is a good guy. It’s about time you let yourself have a little fun.”

  Judith’s eyes danced mischievously. “Oh, he’s more than a little fun.”

  Even I burst out laughing at that, nearly spraying a mouthful of coffee. “Wow, Judith, you must really like him. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you like this about a man before.” I waggled my eyebrows at her suggestively. “I bet he really likes it.”

  Judith shrugged, smiling. “I will enjoy spending some time with Joshua on the flight,” she allowed. “But I really do have a lot of work to do. Between two papers due and a test in two weeks, I could use a head start on getting it all done.” She looked at me, question and concern showing in equal parts on her face. “But what about you, Katie? Are you staying or leaving?”

  I took a deep breath and said, “Staying,” at the same time that Lori said, “Leaving, of course.” We looked at each other, wide-eyed with surprise.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Lori said. “I just assumed you would want to come home, too. I mean, I imagined it would be easier to handle everything from familiar surroundings.”

  “Handle what?” asked Sabrina. She looked at me curiously.

  “An annulment,” I said, turning the empty juice bottle in my hands. “That was the plan. But then the plan changed. We’re not going to get one. At least, we’re not going to get one right now.”

  There was complete silence for a long count of three, then the room exploded with noise, all three of my friends talking over one another as they each tried to question me about what happened to the annulment and was I staying here with Chris? I waved my hands at them until they calmed down, subsiding into curious quiet.

  “I was going to get an annulment,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “Ask Lori. I’ve already looked up the whole process, and I even downloaded the pdf file with the forms I need to fill out. But then I ran into Chris in the lobby, and I don’t know, you guys. I really like him. He’s not like other bar hookups, you know?” I looked down at my hand, where the fake ring had been when I woke up and grinned wryly. “I mean, obviously. Anyway, I guess he likes me, too, because he asked me to consider waiting a month, giving us some time to get to know each other before we make a decision.” I became aware of a warm, glowy feeling inside me and I smiled.

  Sabrina smiled back. “You know, this is the happiest I’ve seen you in a long time. Maybe your impromptu wedding was a good thing. Maybe it was meant to be.” She winked at me. “And now you can have an impromptu honeymoon, too.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I guess you could call it that. I don’t know that I would’ve picked Las Vegas if I had the choice, but there’s got to be plenty of fun things that a guy like Chris would like to do, right?”

  Lori laughed. “Well, when you decide that you want to stay married for good, you can plan a proper honeymoon anywhere you want,” she teased. “In the meantime, I’m with Sabrina. It’s good to see you smile like this.” She pointed to my laptop and offered, “We can help you find something around here to do with Chris. I mean,” she amended, looking at Sabrina. “We can help both of you find stuff to do, to make up for our leaving you early.”

  “Not that you’ll miss us,” Judith added.

  Sabrina laughed. “That sounds great, you guys. I bet we can come up with some amazing adventures for the next two days.”

  I listened to my friends talk, making plans and talking over one another in their excitement. I smiled to myself. This weekend may not have turned out how we expected, I thought to myself. But it’s sure been full of surprises. I wondered what else was in store.

  I finished my breakfast, wiping my mouth and sitting back with a satisfied sigh. My belly, so full of knots before, felt pleasantly full and calm. I didn’t know if it was because of the food or the friendship, but either way, my contentment wrapped around me like a blanket and I let my thoughts drift.

  Chris’ face hovered in my mind, clear as if he were standing before me. I could see the humor that masked the watchfulness in his eyes, and the way his lips quirked with humor at a joke only he could see. It was amazing how comfortable I felt around him, how effortlessly he drew out my true thoughts. He understood my humor, even the understated stuff that I usually kept to myself. It was intoxicating.

  I thought again of last night, our meeting at the bar. The memory was warm, too, touched at the edges with golden joy. I knew I had to be careful, though. A man like Chris would expect a lot of adventure. Just look at his job. I already knew that Chris had a kind and generous heart, but no one stayed in a line of work like that without getting some sort of enjoyment from the danger and the adrenaline.

  I reined in my wandering thoughts and cleaned up the remnants of my meal, then I opened my laptop. “Okay, ladies, let’s see what Las Vegas has to offer.”

  We spent the next hour reading promotional copy and reviews, and taking copious notes. We all had different ideas of what constituted a perfect day in Las Vegas, and we laughed so hard talking about it that I thought I might embarass myself.

  “Are you sure it’s okay that we do things separately?” Sabrina asked later, for the third time. “It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with you, it’s just that -” She trailed off, looking at me miserably.

  “It’s just that you want to spend time by yourselves,” I finished for her, my lips quirking in amusement. “Seriously, Sabrina, it’s totally fine. There’s no reason to be upset, okay? Don’t worry so much.”

  I heard a phone vibrate, and I glanced down. There was nothing on my screen, but I saw Sabrina, Lori, and Judith all start typing on theirs. I thought about the adventure I wanted to plan for Chris and me. I tried to focus on the excitement and pushed away the dread that accompanied it. He’ll appreciate it, and you won’t die, I told myself sternly. At least, you probably won’t. Just, don’t think about it right now, okay? You can worry about it when it’s time.

  “Okay, Sabrina,” I said, banishing all thoughts of my own plans and focusing on hers. “We made dinner reservations for you guys, but what about the show? Have you decided which one you want yet? And what about that tour you were looking at?”

  I lost all sense of time while we planned and plotted and arranged. I let myself just enjoy the fun of it without worrying too much about the follow-through. There were bridges to cross now, and there were bridges to cross later. Somewhere in the midst of things, I realized that all traces of awkwardness or distance had been erased between Judith, Lori, and me. Or maybe I finally let go of looking for them. It was so good to feel connected to my friends again, to be part of our group instead of standing on the outskirts alone.

  A phone vibrated again, and this time there was a message for me. It was from Chris.

  Would you like to see a show with me tonight? I can pick you up.

  A bolt of energy pulsed through me, hard and dark and thrilling. I typed my reply with a shaking hand.

  I would love to.

  I gave him my room number and hit Send. Within seconds he replied with a winking emoji and a thumbs up. I smiled foolishly at the screen.

  “Well, ladies, I guess it’s time to pack up,” Lori said, heaving a sigh. “We’re going to have to try this girls’ weekend away thing again sometime. We failed it big time.”

  Judith laughed. “I wouldn’t be so upset, Lori,” she teased. “It seems to have worked out pretty well for everyone so far.”

  Lori smiled grudgingly. “I just feel like we didn’t do what we were supposed to, you know? And now half of us are leaving early, and the other half are splitting from each other, too.”

  “But none of us are alone,” Sabrina poin
ted out. “And we all had a great time. It may not have been what we planned, but it wound up being what it needed to be.”

  We helped Lori and Judith collect their things, checking and double-checking drawers and bathrooms to make sure nothing was forgotten. Sabrina packed up her things, too, to move them to the room Kevin had rented. I kept mine out. I didn’t know what was going to happen between Chris and me tonight, and I wasn’t ready to give up this last bastion of privacy.

  “Do you have everything you need?” Lori asked me again.

  I rolled my eyes. “Lori, how old am I?”

  “What does that have to do with anything?” she asked. “You’re as old as the first time I traveled with you to a distant city and then left you there. That’s how old you are.”

  I laughed. “You’re worrying too much. Again. I’m going to be fine! Sabrina is going to join her husband,” I winked and Sabrina grinned, blushing. “And I’m going to watch bad television here in the room this afternoon and see a show with Chris tonight. It’s going to be fine, and I’ll see you later this week. Please, just go. You have enough to think about with your own stuff.” I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re going to be late meeting the guys if you don’t go now.”

  Still she hesitated, throwing a desperate glance to Judith for support. “But don’t you want to at least come eat with us?” she asked. “You can come right back here after.”

  I shook my head. “I’m fine, really and truly, okay? Now go on. Get out of here.”

  It took a few more minutes of persuading, but finally I closed the door behind my friends and leaned against it, simultaneously relieved to be alone and missing them already. I waited until I was sure none of them were coming back, then I pushed off the door and sat down on the edge of the bed, my phone in my hand. It was time to do something I had been thinking about in the back of my mind ever since I agreed to postpone the annulment that morning.