Crave for Me

by Rayman Black

  “So when Jeff called today, he wanted to talk about this thing that happened when you lived in New York?” I asked, remembering the question that had led to Chris trusting me with this story from his past.

  Chris laughed. “Not quite. No, he called to tell me he found the man’s widow and child. I’ve been looking for them since I was twenty years old.” He shook his head wonderingly. “I still can’t believe that he put in all that work for me.”

  “Wait, didn’t you know where they were?” I asked.

  “It took me a long time to recall even the memories I do have of what happened,” Chris said. “It was like a voluntary amnesia or something. I guess it’s pretty common for kids who have experienced a traumatic event. It’s like the brain is trying to shield itself from further pain while it works out how to process what had happened, so it just simply doesn’t remember it anymore. I was eighteen before I remembered all of it, and twenty before I started looking for them. By that time, they had moved.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’ve read about that. It’s called psychogenic amnesia, or dissociative amnesia. There are some who lose memories of the traumatic episode, like you did, and there are some who lose all memories of themselves completely.” I paused. “But why did you want to look up these people after so long had passed? Do you think it will help you find closure?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know about closure, but for a long time now I’ve felt like I have a responsibility to do something for them. I didn’t, not when it could have made a difference. I just stood there and watched that poor man be shot. I need to find out how they’re getting along now, at least. Maybe there’s a way I can help them now.”

  I nodded. “I think it’s very normal to feel some responsibility for them, as the survivor of that situation. But Chris,” I added seriously, my eyes on his. I wanted him to really hear me. “You are not responsible for that poor man being shot. You know that, right? You were a fourteen year old kid, and in no position to do anything about a man with a gun. Please tell me you’re not beating yourself up because you didn’t run out from behind the tree to help. You would have likely just gotten yourself shot, too.”

  Chris was quiet for a minute. “No, I don’t think that anymore. I did, for a long time, and I can’t regret it, either. It was feeling that sense of responsibility that first made me want to be a fireman and a first responder.” He smiled, but there was no humor in it. Just a deep sadness that made me want to pull him close and stroke his hair until he smiled again. “It took me three years at the station to realize that there wasn’t anything I could have done as a kid. But still, there is now. Jeff told me the child is actually a grown man now, off at college, and the widow owns a restaurant of some kind in Brooklyn. She’s on the verge of bankruptcy, though, and only hanging on by a thread.”

  “Oh no,” I said, imagining what the woman’s life must be like. “Did she remarry?”

  Chris shook his head. “It doesn’t seem like it. I think she’s all alone in the world, now that her kid is away. It kills me to think of it.” He paused, and I saw there were tears brimming in his eyes. “I may not think it was my fault he died anymore, but that doesn’t change that it may have all gone differently if I hadn’t been such a coward.”

  I reached over and laid my hand over his. “Chris, listen to me. You are many things, but ‘coward’ is not one I would even put on the list. You were a scared kid, and you acted like a scared kid would. It’s not fair to try to place an adult expectation on a child’s shoulders, even in retrospect. There aren’t many grown people who would have intervened in a situation like what you endured. You did your best.” I squeezed his hand. “Besides, look at the man you’ve become specifically because this is in your past. You’re a man who helps people every day. How many lives would have been lost by now if it weren’t for you?”

  Chris smiled weakly and wiped his eyes with the paper napkin on the table. “You’re good for me, Katie,” he said finally, the usual teasing quality back in his voice. “Thank you.”

  I smiled. “Thank you,” I returned, squeezing his hand again. “For telling me.”

  We turned our attention to the meal in front of us, which had been steadily growing cool as we talked. Chris cut his enchiladas in half and said, “Want to share?” so I gave him half of my tamales and the only sounds between us for awhile were ones of chewing and swallowing.

  I thought about what Chris had told me, about the horror he experienced when he was too young to even shave regularly. How would something like that change the trajectory of a person’s life? I wondered. Then I realized that him being here at all was one of those direct changes, because he would have finished his adolescence in the Bronx if things had been different, and maybe we never would have met. The sense of loss at this thought surprised me. I looked up at Chris, who was just quietly chewing his food, and I realized something else.

  “You wouldn’t have been a fireman without what happened, would you?” I blurted, then wanted to kick myself. I didn’t mean it in an insensitive way, but what if he didn’t want to talk about it anymore? But instead of being upset, he smiled.

  “No, I probably wouldn’t,” he agreed.

  “It’s like what you were saying this morning, right? When you were talking about help being available to people if they need it. Were you thinking of what happened?”

  He gave me a sad smile. “I’m always thinking about what happened. It’s as much a part of who I am now as my eye color or the way I love sci-fi movies, so in that sense it’s hard to say what I would have become if it hadn’t happened. Maybe I would’ve been a fireman and a first responder, anyway. But it did happen, and part of the process I went through in dealing with it was volunteering at the station during my last two years of high school. I did all the cleaning and grunt work in the building, three days a week, because I needed to be giving something. I needed to help the world in some way, or at least my city. I saw how the men were dedicated to their work, how they saw it as a calling. And I got to know Chief.”

  I reached over and laid my hand on his. “Oh, Chris, I really like you. Whatever happens between us, I hope we can at least stay friends.”

  Chris turned his palm and linked his fingers through mine. “I’m not sure that will work for me,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “I really like you, too, Katie. I don’t think friendship is going to be enough for me.”

  18

  Chris

  Katie leaned against me, head on my shoulder and eyes closed, as we sat in our seats and waited for everyone to file past us and fill up the plane. I kissed the top of her head absently, surprised by how many people were catching a red-eye to Boston at eleven-thirty on a Sunday night. After our lunch we went to see the Grand Canyon the more conventional way, then debated whether we should try to change our tickets home to an airport more local, or drive back to Las Vegas and fly home like we originally planned. We opted for the drive, stopping only for fuel and supper along the way. We made it back to the airport with just enough time to drop off the rental car, make it through security, and run to our gate as they began the boarding process. My eyes burned with exhaustion, and I thought Katie might actually already be asleep against me.

  I watched the flight attendants go through their safety demonstration, but I wasn’t listening to them. My thoughts were occupied with what we were heading home to. The time we had here, in Las Vegas and at the Grand Canyon, had been magical. It was like a gift to have found Katie at all, all these miles away from home. When you added in the experiences we shared, it was like a dream or a fantasy come to life. Even now, tired as I was, I couldn’t help but smile when I thought about pretty much any moment of the last two days.

  But that was the problem, wasn’t it? We were going home now. Back to the real world, filled with family and friends and work and school and schedules and bills. Back to bad habits and annoying traits and all the blemishes that mar even the most beautiful fairy tale. I thought that maybe what we were building was still fragi
le. Would it survive the onslaught that was coming? It wouldn’t be long until we found out.

  The lights dimmed, the flight attendants strapped themselves in for take off, and the plane taxied to its place in line at the runway. I stared out the window into the darkness. It wasn’t even true darkness, despite the late hour. Even here, on the airfield, I could see the distant glow of the city lights.

  “Goodbye, Las Vegas,” I whispered, wrapping my arms more tightly around Katie. “Thanks for everything.”

  She made a noise in her sleep and adjusted her shoulder, then settled back down. I kept my eyes on the far off lights as the plane taxied down the runway and took off into the night sky. We stayed like that the whole flight, with my arms wrapped around her and her head buried against my shoulder. I didn’t think I would sleep, but eventually my eyes grew heavier and heavier, finally sliding closed somewhere over the midwest.

  I woke when the flight attendants began making announcements for everyone to get their seats up, their seatbelts on, and their tray tables secured. Katie whimpered slightly, her eyes still closed.

  “Katie,” I whispered, stroking her hair back from her face. “Sweetheart, it’s time to wake up. We’re landing in Boston. We’re home.”

  She blinked, her eyes still fuzzy with sleep. “Chris?” she said, her voice thick. “Did I fall asleep?”

  I laughed and disentangled myself from her, stretching my arms to the ceiling. “Yeah, you could say that,” I said. She smiled at me with humor and sleepy joy. I felt warmth wash through me. “Come on, sleepyhead. I’ll buy you breakfast before we go home.” She rubbed her eyes and yawned as the plane circled the airport, finally lowering and touching down on the tarmac.

  We gathered our stuff and lined up with everyone else to file off the plane. It was close to eight-thirty in the morning, and when we left the plane and entered the terminal, the airport was already crammed full of early Monday travelers. We weeded our way through the crowd that pressed in on us from all sides, heading for the big glass doors and freedom.

  Neither of us had more than our carry on bags, so we skipped the baggage claim and walked out into the cool, crisp spring air. Katie breathed deeply, closing her eyes in pleasure.

  “Nothing smells quite like spring in Boston,” she said, a smile on her face. I smiled, too, just watching her.

  “Where do you want to go for breakfast?” I asked her, looking around for an available cab. The ones I could see were already being claimed by fellow weary travelers.

  Katie leaned in and laid her head on my shoulder again. Instinctively, I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her closer. “Chris, would you hate me if I told you I just wanted to go home?” she asked. She yawned, covering her mouth. I could hear her jaw cracking with the effort. “I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.”

  I tried to hide my disappointment, to quell the rising feeling of panic at the idea of being away from her. “Of course I don’t hate you,” I said, raising my arm to signal a cabbie that just pulled up. He met my eyes and nodded, angling in to the curb near us. “Are you going to be okay getting home? I could ride with you, make sure you get there okay.”

  She smiled at me, raising her hand to cup my cheek in her chilly fingers. “I’ll get there okay. You go on home, too. And don’t forget, we have dinner at my folks’ house tonight. Will you be able to come?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it for anything,” I said. I kissed her softly, breaking away before it turned into anything more than a friendly goodbye. “Want me to pick you up?”

  Katie smiled. “That would be nice. I’ll see you later.” She leaned up on her toes to kiss me back, only this time with a little more heat. She pulled away, a mischievous smile on her face, and slid into the backseat of the cab. I lifted my hand in a wave, and she was gone.

  Another cab took its place moments later, and I was headed home to my apartment near the station. The mild sense of panic I felt at the idea of being away from Katie only intensified when she actually left my side. I could only guess that it was due to the fear of what comes next that I experienced on the plane. Who would we be together here in our own town, our own lives? Yesterday, I would’ve put a thousand dollars on our ability to work it out and stay together, no matter what happened. We clearly had an attraction for each other, we could talk easily with one another, and we had a good time. What more could you ask for the basis of a relationship? But now, just minutes into being home, I felt like she was already slipping away from me.

  Thoughts like these circled relentlessly on the short drive to my apartment. I paid the driver and headed inside, jogging up the stairs to the third floor as I dug out my keys. The door opened into my familiar kitchen. I dropped my bag on the table and crossed to the coffee pot.

  “Ugh,” I muttered, wrinkling my nose and dumping out the coffee I left in the pot when I went to the airport last week. “That’s gross even for you, man.”

  I cleaned out the pot and soon the warm scent of fresh coffee filled the air. I grabbed my bag and headed for my bedroom, passing through my small living room. It only took a few minutes to put my stuff away and toss the dirty clothes in the hamper, but by the time I was done my ears were ringing with the silence. I had lived in this apartment alone since I rented it nearly ten years ago, but this was the first time that I ever felt lonely here.

  “Don’t be stupid,” I said aloud, heading back to the kitchen. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table. Restlessness filled me. I drank the hot coffee and felt my foot start tapping. “Okay, this is ridiculous,” I decided. I poured my drink in a mug to go, and within ten minutes of arriving home from Las Vegas, I was out the door again.

  I drove aimlessly for a bit. I could go see if my folks were home, if they wanted to take me up on the breakfast Katie had opted out of. I needed to tell them about her, but somehow the idea of wading into that conversation wasn’t something I wanted to deal with yet. Despite his inexplicable helpfulness yesterday, I didn’t want to go see Jeff, either. The person I really wanted to see was Katie, but she already said she wanted some time. Besides, I would see her later.

  Before I realized where I was headed, I found myself pulling into the parking lot at the station. I turned off the engine and looked at the building for a moment. It had the same institutional look of any office building or school, and it lacked any decorative attempt in the front, but the sight of it comforted me more than anything else could have right then. I had been working here for two or three shifts a week since I was twenty years old. This place was home.

  I got out of the car and walked around the back of the building, heading for the rose gardens that some mystery first responder had planted many years ago. It belonged to all of us now, and every man on staff took a turn caring for it when it bloomed. It was just starting to grow leaf buds now, but even in its barren state the place had a kind of beauty.

  I turned toward the building again and saw my team sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. Joshua saw me and waved. I grinned and waved back. When in doubt, turn to your family. I had found mine here.

  I went back around to the side of the building and made my way through the huge vehicle bays and past the offices to the kitchen in the back of the building. Maybe I’ll get that breakfast after all, I thought as I smelled bacon and eggs on the air.

  Thomas, Joshua, Chief Roberts, and two men I didn’t recognize greeted me as I walked into the kitchen.

  “Didn’t I have you off the clock today, Chris?” Chief Roberts demanded. I nodded. “Then what the hell are you doing strolling into the kitchen like a starving kitten? Do you think this is a restaurant? I’m only budgeted to feed the men actually working.”

  I grinned and said, “What if I make French toast?”

  Chief pretended to think about it. “I guess there’s working, and then there’s working, isn’t there?” He winked. “There should be plenty of bread in the pantry.” He returned his attention to the newspaper on the table in front of him, and I knew I was dismissed.<
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  I crossed over to Thomas. He stood at the stove, scrambling eggs. “You want some French toast, too?” I asked. I pulled out a huge, dented metal mixing bowl and set it on the counter.

  He looked up and watched me get out eggs, milk, and cinnamon. “That’s cool,” he said, and got out another plate. “What are you doing home? I thought you and Katie were going to stay another day in Las Vegas.”

  I shook my head. “Her family invited us to dinner tonight. She wanted to just come home instead of dealing with the hassle of changing tickets.”

  “So you just got in?” Joshua asked, buttering slices of toast and tossing them on plates.

  “Yep,” I said. “Our plane landed less than an hour ago.”

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Thomas demanded. He scooped eggs onto plates and handed them out.

  I set mine down next to the stove and started cooking French toast. “Katie went home to rest and it was too quiet at my place, so I came to see what you guys were up to.”

  “And score some free breakfast,” Chief grumbled from the table without looking up.

  “It’s not free if you pay in labor,” I countered. He grunted and turned the page.

  “So who’s your hot date tomorrow?” Thomas asked Joshua. I glanced over, surprised to see Joshua blush.

  “How do you know he has a hot date?” I asked Thomas.

  He laughed and said, “I heard him making plans to pick her up for dinner. He’s taking her to Kevin’s restaurant. C’mon,” he said, returning to Joshua, who wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Who is she? You can tell us.”

  Joshua glanced up at us, a small smile on his lips. “It’s Judith,” he said finally. “I owe her a raincheck on breakfast in Vegas, so I thought I’d take her to Kevin’s instead. She hasn’t been since the opening.”