Crave for Me

by Rayman Black

  I started to tell her about Chris, but I realized that the whole story didn’t make total sense unless you knew about Lori and Judith and me in the months before that. So I started with Lori and Thomas, then I told her about Sabrina and Kevin. As I spoke aloud my fears and jealousy, I wondered why I had wasted so many weeks by not just talking to my friends.

  Then I told her about Chris, and I held nothing back. I told her how he made me feel, and the way he didn’t expect me to pretend to be or do anything, that he just wanted to be with me. I even told her about Chris’ difficulties with his family, his distance from his brother, and the horror he experienced as a boy. I told her how his boyhood trauma made him into the man he was now, and how I wanted nothing more than to keep exploring all the layers of this complex, wonderful man who fell into my life.

  “And then we came back to Boston, and I took him to Mom and Dad’s for dinner,” I said, and described the horrible meeting in its entirety. I left nothing out, not even my own feelings of guilt and frustration. When I finally finished by telling her about trying to get ahold of him all yesterday without success, and the text message I sent last night, her expression had changed from shocked to thoughtful.

  “You’re right,” she said, sounding faintly surprised. “I don’t think that’s nearly as crazy as I would expect an impromptu Vegas wedding to be. But Katie, don’t you think you’re selling both of you a little short? You don’t know why he didn’t answer or didn’t call. I hate to be blunt, honey, but as important as you are, his life doesn’t revolve around you, does it? And you wouldn’t want it to, either.”

  I nodded. “I know, you’re right. I thought about that when I first woke up this morning, but I can’t unsend it. All I can really do is wait and see what he does next, if he does anything at all.”

  Samantha squeezed my hand. “With a woman like you on the line? You can bet your ass he’ll do something. Mark my words.”

  I smiled. “I’ve missed you, Samantha. I promise I will never go so long without talking to you again.”

  Samantha smiled sadly. “If only everyone else felt that way. Hey, listen,” she said, suddenly leaning down and digging in her bag. “Will you give something to Dad for me, please?”

  I hesitated. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I hedged, leaning over to try to see what she was looking for. “I’m not exactly the favored child right now. Maybe you should call Terri and ask her.”

  Samantha sat up again, holding a thick envelope. She shook her head. “No, I promised myself the day after my wedding that I would talk to whomever wanted to talk to me, but I wasn’t going to make the first move. I want to be wanted around, you know? Not a duty or a pity thing. So,” she continued, handing me the envelope. “Please tell Dad what I said about Mike, about him not stealing, okay? And give that to him. Tell him it’s in good faith, an act of peace. It took us nearly this whole three years to save it.”

  I looked at the envelope in my hands. It was manila, the kind that you mailed important documents in. It was heavy, and lumpy, and I couldn’t for the life of me guess what was inside.

  “It’s the money,” Samantha supplied, seeing my confusion. “$12, 451 exactly. Mike decided that if Dad wouldn’t listen to his innocence, then he would repay the money himself. It bothers him that I’ve been separated from you for so long. This is his way of trying to make it right for me, because he loves me.” She smiled and picked up her purse. “See why I’m willing to spend two weeks in the wilderness for this man? He’s amazing.”

  She stood and leaned over to hug me tightly. “I have to run, I’m sorry, but I want you to know how much I love you and how proud of you I am. You’re doing fine, Katie-cat, and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise.” She leaned back, her hands on my shoulders, and looked me straight in the eye. “Be Katie, and let everyone else go to hell.”

  24

  Chris

  It didn’t take long to work through my anger and get over it, but by the time I had, it was too late to do anything about it. I tried to get some sleep because I was on duty at the station bright and early the next morning.

  “Shit,” I muttered, navigating the morning rush hour traffic with poor grace. I hadn’t realized it until waking up that morning, but I wasn’t able to reconnect with Katie and hopefully smooth things over until tomorrow at the earliest. This wasn’t something I wanted to do over text message. I wondered if waiting another day would end up hurting our chances. Or maybe it would be no big deal, a funny story we told later. I wanted lots of those stories.

  When I pulled up to the station, I had once again persuaded myself that seeing her in person would be a much better way to handle it than the impersonal, sometimes hard to interpret texts that were my only other option. I wanted to look in her eyes when we talked. I wanted her to see how serious about her I was.

  It seemed to me that our trouble wasn’t that we weren’t willing to commit to each other, and to finding out what we had between us. Our biggest obstacle was the way we didn’t talk to each other. In a way, it was a relief to realize it, because this was something we could definitely do something about. In another way, it was irritating as hell, because we weren’t little kids. Was all this anguish really because we wouldn’t be honest? I didn’t like thinking that.

  It was a long twenty-four hours, made longer by the inexplicable quiet of Boston’s population. For the entire twenty-four hours of my shift, there wasn’t a single accident, fire, domestic disturbance, overdose, gang shooting, or any other emergency that would require our crew to suit up and roll out. Nothing to divert our attention, but still a constant state of vigilance so if we were called this minute we could go to someone’s aid.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about Katie.

  We had nothing to do but play endless rounds of Hearts and wait for time to pass. My mind kept running the same tired circles, again and again, with no solutions but wait and see. Eventually, I got into a debate with Joshua over whether the local schools should ban homework or not, just to have something else to occupy my thoughts.

  The hands of the clock finally crept around to 8 a.m. again. I bolted from the station so fast that Thomas would tease me about it for weeks after, but all I could think about was getting to Katie’s apartment. I needed to see her. Whatever happened after that, I just needed to see her face. I battled the traffic back past the street for my own apartment and continued across the city.

  I knew she had classes today, her first lectures back after our trip. What I didn’t know was when her first one began, or how early she left home to get there. Fortune smiled on me when I finally turned on her street, and I found a place to park within walking distance of her building. I jumped out of my car and jogged down the street. What if she’s not home? I wondered. What if I already missed her?

  I picked up my pace, nearly running by the time I got to her building. I was going too fast, in fact, to stop in time when I saw the door starting to swing open. I tried to swerve out of the way and instead crashed into the person coming through the door, knocking both of us to the ground. I tried to twist my body, to cushion the impact for whomever had been unlucky enough to get in my way just then. I landed hard on my side, then had the air knocked out of me by the person who landed on top of me with a painful Ooof!

  I looked up suddenly, smiling. I would recognize that voice anywhere. Her scent hit me a moment later, warm and spicy and so uniquely her I could’ve picked it out blindfolded. She was already backing up, trying to get her balance and get off me. My smile widened to a grin. I put my hands around her waist and set her on her butt next to me.

  “I’m so sorry,” she began, flustered. She cast around her for her books and bag, all of which had gone flying along with us. “I didn’t see you coming, and I’m already late for the bus, and I -” She stopped, stunned, when she finally glanced over and saw it was me.

  “Chris!” she screeched, dropping her things and scrambling to my side. “Oh, my God, Chris, are you okay? Are you hurt? Je
sus, I didn’t see you!” She patted me over, pulling me to a sitting position. When she was satisfied I was alive and relatively uninjured, she sat back on her heels. “What are you doing here?” she demanded.

  I grinned at her. “Coming to see you, as it happens. Fancy meeting like this.”

  She groaned and rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “You and your cheesy lines,” she said. She got to her feet and reached a hand down to me. “Why were you running like that?”

  I wrapped my fingers around her small hand just for the pleasure of it, hoisting myself to my feet with my own power. “I wanted to make sure I caught you before you left for class. You said you’re running late?” I thanked my lucky stars for whatever it was that held her up.

  She blushed and nodded. “I overslept my alarm,” she admitted sheepishly. She looked at her watch and let out a squeak, ducking down again to collect her scattered belongings. “And if I’m not at the bus stop in two minutes I will miss my bus and be officially late for class.”

  I reached down and picked up three books near my feet. “I can give you a ride,” I offered. I turned and pointed to my car. “I’m parked just down there.”

  Katie sat back on her heels and looked at me, her eyes guarded. I waited, wondering what she was thinking behind those calm green eyes. “Okay,” she said finally, and she returned her attention to gathering her things, but less frantically than before. She took her books from me and we walked to the car in silence.

  I wanted to touch her, just to reach out and stroke my fingers across her cheek or tuck her hair behind her ear. I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to, so I resisted the urge. She was so lovely, her face tilted toward the sunlight streaming down from a cloudless blue sky.

  “I’m not going to give up, you know,” I said conversationally, stopping next to my car to dig out my keys. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

  She stiffened and avoided my gaze. “What do you mean?”

  I looked at her closely but I couldn’t tell if she really didn’t understand or was pretending not to. “I mean us, Katie,” I said softly. “I mean you and me.” I opened the door for her and waited until she was fully inside. I closed it behind her and went around to the other side of the car. How should I say what I needed to say? What words would best reach her?

  I slid behind the wheel and started the car, checking my mirrors and pulling into traffic. I let the silence lengthen between us. I could wait. Finally, just when I was on the verge of breaking the silence myself, she spoke.

  “Has it ever occurred to you, in any of this, that we may have actually made a mistake?” she asked, her voice small.

  I shook my head and smiled at her before turning my attention back to the road. “Not once,” I said cheerfully.

  “I’m not joking around, Chris,” she said. “On paper, it all sounds so crazy. Are we just delusional to think that maybe we have a reason for succeeding when so many people who have known each other longer fail at this? It’s not like we’re playing a game.”

  I wiped the smile from my face and told her, “I do take this seriously, Katie. There isn’t anything I’m more serious about right now than letting you know that I’m not ready to give up. I said it in Las Vegas, and I’ll say it now. I think we have something special, and I want to find out what it is. With you.” I looked at her again, drinking in the sight of her astonished face. “I think the best thing I’ve ever done is marry you, crazy or not. I don’t want it to be over because we have some bumps in the beginning.”

  She laughed, but there was little humor in it. “Bumps? Is that what you call this? My parents were awful to you.”

  I shrugged. “They could’ve been a lot worse,” I said, slowing to a stop at a red light. My eyes turned once more to her face, unable to stay away for long. She was losing the ragged, sleepless look she wore. It was gradually being replaced by something that looked like hope. Something hot and sweet and yearning was born in my chest. “In all fairness,” I said, “I’m not sure how I would react if the position was reversed and it was my daughter bringing home an impromptu husband, of all things. But I sure as shit wouldn’t be inviting him over for roast chicken and creamed spinach.”

  The light turned green and I returned my attention to the road ahead of us. “You were right about the spinach, by the way. It was fantastic.”

  She laughed, and this time the sound was full and rich and musical. She fell quiet, a small smile on her face as she watched the traffic pass outside the window. After a moment she said quietly, “Okay.”

  “Okay?” I asked. The strong, sweet feeling inside me grew.

  She nodded, looking at me with her cool green gaze. “Okay. Let’s give it a go. A real one, a Boston one.” She let a breath and gave me a grin. “There are a lot of things to figure out, but it’s still true that we like each other, that we like being together. No one needs to interfere with us.”

  “I don’t want to disrespect your family,” I said, treading carefully. “I know they’re very important to you. But maybe this is something they can’t understand. It does seem crazy. But wouldn’t it be crazier to let this go without fighting for it?”

  Katie shifted and put her hand in mine. “I couldn’t have said it better myself,” she said. “I love my father, and my mother, but I was reminded recently that I can’t always trust their judgement, either. I’m going to have to trust my own.”

  I pulled up to the curb of the building she indicated and put the car in park. Turning to her, I brought her fingers to my lips and softly kissed each one. “There’s one more thing I want to say before you go. Do you have time?”

  She glanced at her watch. “No,” she said, laughing. “But say it anyway.”

  I cleared my throat and kept my gaze on hers. “There’s one thing I really need from you, okay? Don’t make decisions about us without talking to me. Please.” I told her about Angela, about the child we almost had but didn’t. “It was a long time ago, but I thought you should know about it.”

  Katie’s eyes were sheened with tears. “Oh, Chris. I’m so sorry. I guess I wasn’t trying to cut you out of our relationship when I said I was talking to lawyers. I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore, and I was letting you go. You’re right. I should have talked to you first.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t be upset, sweetheart. It’s okay. It’s just that I’ve figured out that we have a problem with talking to each other. I don’t want something like that to come between us.”

  She nodded, but didn’t speak. I lifted her fingers to my lips again, and her eyes lit with humor.

  “So I can see you later?” I asked.

  She smiled and nodded. “I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Come to my apartment after class,” I said, picking up my phone and sending her a text with my address. “We’ll order dinner.”

  Her phone chimed and she leaned over and gave me a gentle kiss. “I’ve got to go,” she said. “I’m already late.” She slipped from the car and was gone.

  I drove home in a daze of exhaustion and anticipation. I couldn’t wait to see her. I thought about her the whole drive home. And then I walked into my apartment, and I realized it was a good thing that I had a few hours before she came over.

  I wasn’t a slob. My mother had trained me too well to allow me to let things get desperate. But I hadn’t put a lot of effort into maintenance recently, and it showed. I started in the kitchen, getting both the dishwasher and the washing machine running while I washed a sinkful of pots and pans by hand and scrubbed the counters. I thought about mopping, but settled for a thorough sweep and spot clean up.

  I had my second wind by then, so I put on some music and decided to keep going, picking up the clutter and dusting the furniture, running a vacuum over the carpet, and scrubbing the bathroom. I took a shower and folded the now clean laundry, then collapsed on the couch for four hours.

  When I woke, the afternoon sun was slanting through the blinds. I blinked, disoriented, but the
n I remembered Katie. She would be here soon. I wanted to make things special for her tonight. I wanted to show her why we were going to work.

  I checked the clock. Had she told me what time she would be done with classes? I imagined she would be tired, so I made sure there was a blanket on the couch, in case she wanted to stretch out. We could watch a movie, if she wanted, or just put on some music and talk. I wanted to show her the gofundme page I made for the Reyes. I wanted her to see how much I was able to raise already.

  Around four, I heard a knock at the door and my heart jumped in my chest. I grinned and hoped I would always feel like this when she was around. I opened the door.

  “Please come in, milady,” I said, gesturing her in. She laughed, but she looked tired. I took her bag from her shoulder and set it on the table. “Make yourself at home,” I said, leading her through to the living room. I gestured to the couch. “Do you want something to drink? I have iced tea and soda in the fridge.”

  She smiled gratefully. “Iced tea would be great,” she said, sinking down to the cushions with a sigh. “Thank you. The bus ride was awful this afternoon.”

  “How were your classes?” I called from the kitchen, snagging the iced tea and the stack of takeout menus I kept in a drawer by the fridge.

  “They were fine,” she said. “I was late to my first lecture, so I got stuck toward the back of the classroom with all the people who think the semester should be done in March. I get that they didn’t want to listen, but it made it hard to do so myself. The other two classes were fine. I have a draft for my final paper due on Monday, but nothing else until next week.”

  I handed her the drink and the menus, sitting beside her on the couch. “You don’t have many weeks left, do you?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “Seven weeks, two papers, four finals, and at least one pop quiz,” she said. She smiled, but with little humor. “And no, before you ask, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do next yet.”