Possible Hero

by Sean Heslin

  The awe-inspiring sight had temporarily persuaded him to listen to Ihjundas' explanation and to work out what was going on. Rancha watched his face and was again able to follow the internal narrative. As Perci faked nodding along and contributed the occasional grunt, Perci discovered he was not understanding a word. Rancha mentally counted down.

  “Three, two, one...”

  Shaking himself to restore his air of superiority, Perci demanded to know what they were doing next. Bingo.

  Well, said Ihjundads, having been abruptly interrupted, We wander about a bit until we find one that belongs to where you are heading - the other side of the world incidentally, so it is quicker this way. We do try and keep a current map of them all, but they keep changing position every few days, which is rather a nuisance. Now then…

  Ihjundas reached to a lever at the edge of the balcony and pulled it. There was a deep shuddering somewhere, and a pained, metallic groaning noise emitted from the wall behind them.

  Suddenly, the balcony started to judder its way groundwards, much to the discomfort of its passengers, who ground their teeth and held on to the railing for dear life. When the contraption finally hit the bottom, a hissing noise was emitted whereupon the curved railing split into two halves and neatly rotated into gaps in the wall behind.

  Now wasn’t that fun? Ihjundas asked the other two. The pair nodded grimly back. Rancha reckoned that neither of them would probably not have to worry about constipation for some time.

  An attendant/engineer type person came trotting over, bowing deeply to Ihjundas. “Can I help, o wise master?”

  What have I said about that? buzzed Ihjundas. Anyway yes, they require immediate passage to the town of Franchick on the continent of Trangress. You know, that little one near the Deserts of Trallis. Code three surreptitiousness, please.

  The engineer/cartographer was puzzled at the silent voice briefly, shrugged, then nodded and started to lead them away. He then stopped mid-step.

  “Hang on, I just had a thought,” the cartographer/doorman told them “Most of the doors for the Trangress region shifted an hour or two ago, so we might not be able to send you exactly where you want.”

  Ihjundas frowned. Surely we are still using the chalkboard system? When they shifted did they not take their boards with them?

  The doorman/native guide shrugged. “Course they did, but we still have to find the damn things first.”

  Ihjundas admitted that was a good point and instructed that they be led to somewhere that was at least nearby. The native guide/tourist information officer nodded again and took them to a small cart that was parked in the central avenue. The tourist information officer/security guard motioned them to sit and activated the transport with a flick of a switch, happily extolling the virtues of the Chamber as they went.

  “This is one of the true engineering feats of the world!”

  “I already did that bit,” said Rancha.

  “I meant the rails upon which we are currently travelling,” said the security guard/showroom salesman. “The rails are individual sections that had to be laid down in the location where the section is really, physically located. The measurements had to be incredibly precise or we would have suffered from misalignments and/or matter overlaps where two sections would be attempting to occupy the same space/time coordinates. The explosions this would have caused and indeed did cause in 3842 C.M. (Continuous Measurement) could have been and were actually pretty devastating…”

  Perci leaned over to Rancha. “Why is it we don’t seem to be doing anything but travelling recently? I was under the impression noble deeds were more adventurous and suitably heroic. Not just being shuttled from place to place.”

  “That's just a metaphor for personal growth, now shuttup, I didn't know some of this, this is interesting.” Rancha turned back to the showroom owner/junior office assistant, who was now waxing lyrical about the interlocking ceiling structure, leaving Perci to cough loudly and tap on his armour and generally trying to upset the informative flow by making people pay attention to him instead.

  After a short lecture on the categorising system, the cart squeaked to a stop a kilometre from where they had started.

  “Here we are,” their guide chirruped helpfully “third walkway up on the left-hand side should give you a good ball-toss area. Here, have a complimentary world map, should be nice and useful. Completely accurate as we get them shipped here from Outer Poitia, you know where they built them satellites? Out you get now.”

  The trio were disgorged from the cart without ceremony, leaving them standing around looking mildly foolish as it trundled away.

  Okay then, indicated Ihjundas. You two, up that ladder you go. I'll wait here till it is...safe.

  Grumbling and cursing, Perci lumbered up to the appropriate walkway lugging a heavy backpack with him. Rancha could not afford the breath for such curses, as he had to carry the other three large canvas sacks. Ihjundas waited until there was no chance of anything falling on him, and clambered up the ladder quite quickly for a man of his advancing years. He found the other two slumped on a section of walkway that was covered in mattress like padding, grinned slightly, and bullied them into standing up and paying further attention.

  Shortly our paths will part Master Yansul, after you go through your door upon your noble quest, it will be somewhat harder to get back here again in a hurry. Well, perhaps not that hard. Harder by conventional means anyway.

  Perci coughed impatiently. “I have a question. Where do all these ruddy doors go?”

  Ihjundas looked as if he had just had his chin tattooed with a picture of his mother by a passing luminous orange trew. Weren't you paying any attention before? They go everywhere. Rancha please explain it to him again while I go and find the one you want.

  Rancha felt his glands perk up at the order. It made him sad. While Ihjundas trotted off examining the various doors, Perci turned to him with an arched eyebrow.

  “Erm, you know this place is called the Chamber Of Significant Exits, yes?” Perci nodded and made a get-on-with-it noise. “Well, each of these doors when opened, are, um, exits to places. What is here is just representations of the backs of every door on this planet and possibly a couple from the space station and moon bases and stuff. When they are opened on this side, they become the doors they look like and so when you go through one here, you come out wherever the door leads, and while the door is open stuff can come back through it this way, otherwise if they are shut here the doors just go where they normally go. Oh and these doors aren't actually here, they are physically somewhere in the fortress and…is this making any sense to you at all?”

  Perci nodded and decided that he should show a spark of intellect.

  “So... you could use them to get into bank vaults and places and... reappropriate stuff?” he said.

  “Really? I mean, no you couldn’t, for one the people here wouldn’t let you…”

  “I'm sure we can cut them in for half the take.”

  “And for two, this is the Chamber of Significant Exits. By definition, you would be going out of the vault into the bank where no doubt there is lots of security types. And no you can't just get someone to shut the door this end so it is no longer linked, because then the vault will be shut behind you and locked again. You are always leaving somewhere when you go out a door here. Believe me, people have tried to figure a way around it for years but the Council tends to frown on that sort of thing.”

  Perci looked disappointed as his dreams of larceny were dashed. The ingrained part of Rancha's tortured soul that forced him to feel sorry for the distress of his nominal charge, reared its scarred and abused head, making Rancha offer advice.

  “There are some advantages if you get a job here, for instance…” Rancha gazed around and by chance spotted an example of what he was looking for. Further along the gantry, there was a simple red curtain draped over the brickwork. Rancha motioned for Perci to read the blackboard beside the curtain. Perci grunted and did so with
a cursory examination.

  Then, blinking he read it again.

  He looked at Rancha with bulging eyes. Rancha nodded, indicated that Perci was allowed to take a peek around the edge of the curtain. With some trepidation, Perci gently pulled it back a fraction…

  A moment of displacement...

  …and peered with wonder through the gap he had created. There were some interestingly delightful noises from behind the curtain, and Perci, with a big grin, felt obliged to stick his entire head through the gap. He was on the verge of pulling the curtain fully back and stepping through, when Ihjundas arrived, coughing in a loud and obvious manner. Rancha quickly pulled Perci back and swished the curtain shut…

  A moment of displacement…

  …and stood in front of the little board telling all and sundry what was behind the drapes. Ihjundas was not fooled for a second, noting Perci's huge grin and raised his eyebrows, but did not offer comment. Shaking his head, he instructed that they should grab their packs and follow him.

  They stopped in front of a plain, inadequately finished light brown wooden door, set in some greyish whitewashed brick. There were numerous knots and gaps in the boards of the door, through which there didn’t appear to be anything but more of the same brickwork of the wall. The accompanying board currently read that it led onto a forest path from an old disused shed. The shed and forest were located on the continent of Trangress, as they wanted, in a country just a little north of the Deserts of Trallis called Hembred.

  Rancha pulled out the map and squinted at it until he found the appropriate spot.

  “Hmm, it’s a bit of a hike to Franchick but it’s not too bad,” he said, scribbling a note on the map page.

  Ihjundas shrugged. There wasn’t anything closer, but as the junior office assistant/technician had said earlier, the staff hadn't found the Franchick exits yet.

  Perci expressed a thought. “Hey, I had an uncle called Hembred, used to come to the castle and play in the kitchen with the chef when I was small. Wonder what happened to him? Still its probably a good omen yes? My noble quest will be lucky and successful like Hembred was!”

  “Depends really,” said Rancha “On if he is a) still alive, b) has not run away with the cook, and will c) give us a lift when we get there,” said Rancha. “Can we get on with it now? Please?”

  Ihjundas perhaps may have been smiling as he wished Rancha luck, because he felt Rancha could use all the luck he could get. He also presented the duo with an amber spheroid about the size of a baby snufflin.

  This is a tracking beacon or dimensional warper or something of the sort, don’t ask me how it works for I do not know. If you get into dire trouble and there is a door handy, press it against the door and squeeze this bit here. The door will link immediately back to here. Be warned! It will only work once. Probably. Oh, and it lets us know where you are at all times and so forth. Send a message once in a while.

  Ihjundas looked over the intrepid pair, giving the proud knight and his noble steed cum companion the once over. You'll do. Right! I'm off now, I'd wave you off, but I have things to be getting on with. When you are ready to go just open the door and go through. Oh and for Yurmuth's sake shut the thing behind you, we don’t want skuikkels.

  Rancha and Perci watched Ihjundas amble away down the gantries. Rancha stowed the sphere in a pocket and waited for the inevitable.

  Perci, aware he was being looked at, bristled and said:

  “The quest is afoot! We shall now go forth and…erm, can we have another look behind that curtain?”

  After Rancha's rather loud “No!” Perci sulkily decided they had better get on with it before they were accused of further time-wasting.

  He examined the door, and discovering it had no handle, shrugged and pushed hard. It began to swing into the brickwork…

  A moment of displacement…

  ...and opened as promised onto the forest path.

  Perci paused on the threshold. “What would happen if someone were to open the door on that side at the same time as it opened here and both went through at the same time?”

  Rancha was surprised at the intelligence behind the question, but it was his duty to guide and inform. “Wouldn't work,” he replied “One or the other would find themselves strangely unable to open the door, or even if they were both open one would find they could not cross through temporarily. They did tests in the sixties.”

  “Oh. What year is it now?”

  “Really, you don't even know..? I mean, 4182 C.M.”

  “Huh,” Perci responded. “Right.” Duly reassured, stepped through with his head held high.

  There was a terrible thump and the door rattled on its hinges.

  Perci nervously peered round the back of the door to search for the source of the disturbance.

  “Uh oh,” he uttered as Rancha swung the door shut behind them.

  A moment of displacement…

  Chapter 17

  “Unnecessary distraction caused the incident.”

   Polip Orani, explaining to his Board of Governors why there was a smoking ruin instead of the Jaansian National Shoe Depository, 4153 C.M.

  Terand had been continuously dragging his cargo for about seven hours of the twenty-six hour day. Being a drangl gave him the advantage of not tiring as quickly as other species might, so as it went he was not feeling especially tired and, much to Yrinmet's continuing discomfort, still did not show any signs of halting his steady one-legged hopping progress.

  So, it came as rather a shock to Terand, and immense relief to Yrinmet, that something suitably unexpected happened. Whilst travelling down a nice sunny forest path, with birds in the trees and furry things underfoot, they were passing a tumbledown brick shed of sorts - with half the walls missing so it was quite obvious nobody was inside, or at least nobody that was stood up.

  The door opened slightly. Terand the consummate professional, spotted this, but still could not see anybody within. Probably the wind, but he increased his pace anyway. It was always better to be in motion when passing a potential ambush spot, momentum counted for a lot in a fight.

  Suddenly, the broken door swung open fully, catching Terand full on the chin.

  His motion arrested, he staggered slightly, recovered a moment, straightened in a minor daze, then tripped over a tree root, spun around twice, hit the ground hard and stopped moving.

  Yrinmet instantly started to try and wriggle out of his bonds in a bid for freedom, but with dawning horror noticed a head peering round the door. As far as he could see via the gaping brickwork there was no body attached.

  He did the only sensible thing, closed his eyes and feigned unconsciousness while he plotted his next groggy escape attempt.

  ---

  As Rancha and Perci stepped around the door and saw the two bodies crumpled behind it, they both dumped the packs in a heap on the path. Rancha scratched his head in sheer disbelief.

  “Huh, talk about an inconspicuous arrival.”

  Perci looked sideways at him, puzzled but determined to improve his questing credentials “Well, it generally involves being sneaky, not being noticed. To creep, to crawl, to slide, to slither. The art of going unnoticed where others are present. To arrive at a place and have nobody take note of your appearance. To walk through a room of people…”

  Rancha’s eyes were glazing over.

  Perci stopped mid-flow. “Oh well, nothing to do with us anyway. Let us move on! My, I mean, our destiny awaits!”

  Rancha directed his eyes upwards and began prodding the recumbent forms for signs of life.

  “What are you doing?” said Perci.

  “We just knocked him out, I'd rather know who he is and why he tied up someone else before we wake him up.”

  “What is that?” Perci asked pointing with an accusatory finger. Rancha looked up at him and looked back down in the direction of the finger.

  “Uh, a rope? A belt? I dunno.”

  “No, that! That thing you are searching.”


  “Just some guy, I'm trying to find out who. Help if you want.”

  Perci's eyes bulged “Just some guy? Where's his other leg? It’s not even human, man! Is that even skin?”

  “So? Neither am I. He’s a drangl, haven't you seen one before or something?” Rancha examined Perci for a moment. “You haven't have you? Oh, bloody hell, you go on a globe-trotting quest and you can't even recognise the second most common sentient species on the planet? I thought it was just gargoyles and that, but really? Not even drangls? Where did you say you were from again?”

  “The Valley Of Deranged Meanings,” Perci announced with pride, gesturing to an invisible audience in the sky.

  “Uh-huh, and how often have you left it?”

  “What?” Perci's eyes did their expanding trick again.

  “How often have you left your Valley and seen the Big Wide World?” Rancha asked slowly as if to a small child.

  “Lots of times of course you buffoon!”

  “Buffoon?”

  “I have ventured many a time into the towns, villages and cities surrounding our great Valley and I have now been away from even them for a whole fortnight!”

  “You have sisters don't you?” Rancha said, turning to search the unconscious bodies again.

  “What?” Perci looked indignantly unsure, another interesting expression.

  “Sisters. How many do you have again?”

  “Nine?”

  “Ah, thought so. Kept you occupied? Provided you valuable life lessons? Always sounded like they knew what they were talking about?”

  “Not just them, I read a lot!” Perci said with a scowl, more than a touch defensively.

  “Good, read this then,” Rancha said, handing him a sheaf of papers pulled from the drangl’s worn leather waist pouch.

  Perci did so. He flipped a couple of pages and handed them back, scowling at all the dense legalese they contained. “Summarise, my noble companion!”