We Will Gain Our Fury

by Nicole Thorn

  “I have loads to do today,” she said. “I really wanted to talk to Jasper before I left.”

  “Maybe you should check on your schedule before you just stop by. I mean, for all you know, Jasper and I could have been busy too.”

  “I wasn’t worried.”

  Of course not. “You should have been,” I said in a brand new voice.

  Jasper made a sound and I didn’t really know what it was. It was something like a sigh and a groan. His face was blank.

  My head told me to make another move. I rubbed his hand with my thumb. “You okay, sweetie?”

  He blinked and looked at me, nodding. “Fine. I’m very fine…” He crossed his ankles and went back to not looking at anything but rain.

  “Jasper,” Celeste said with a sticky sweet voice. “You sound kind of sick. You should come inside, let me take care of you. I think sitting in the rain is going to make you ill.”

  She took a step and I adjusted myself, leaning my thighs on his lap. He made another sound but it was quiet. “I’m taking care of him,” I smiled again.

  “I’m sure you wouldn’t want him out here if he’s sick. Come on, Jasper.”

  I literally thought the word mine when she stepped to him. I wanted to hurt her, but Uncle Zeus helped me out. Or at least I wanted to think that was what was happening. Thunder boomed and lighting lit up the graying sky. It was a stunning lightshow that made Celeste jump and me smile. Jasper held me tighter to him.

  The thunder subsided but the lightening didn’t. Celeste had her hand on her black heart and huffed indignantly. “I hate thunder.”

  “Maybe you should head in,” I said. “It’ll just come back.”

  She looked back at Jasper, as if he would join her. When he didn’t, she started walking. “I’ll be waiting for you, Jasper.”

  Then the bitch was gone and I felt so much better. I looked to Jasper. “You’re not going to get sick.”

  “Just promise to make me soup and I’m cool with it.”

  “I will do whatever you want me to do.”

  Then his face looked a little red and he seemed woozy. He couldn’t possibly be sick right now.

  Still… “Let me check your temperature,” I said, moving my hand to the back of his neck. I pulled him down and pressed my lips to his forehead. A little warm but not sick. “You’re okay.”

  He was grinning. “Very scientific.”

  “I think so. We should go inside before Superbitch comes back out for you.”

  I went to stand and he stayed where he was. “I need a minute.”

  “Why?”

  He blinked. “I need a minute.”

  I would have asked again if I thought he would have given me another answer. I just stood there and tried fixing the suspender that wouldn’t stop falling off of my shoulder. Jasper looked at me again. I must look stupid fighting a rainbow suspender. I felt stupid.

  Jasper got up and we walked inside. Celeste was like a hawk, watching us. But Jasper spoke to me. “I’ll see you later, Kezia.”

  I nodded. “Okay.” Then I kissed him on the cheek. Another thing my head told me to do. He smiled, so that meant he didn’t hate it. Right?

  He started walking past Celeste and she got huffy. “Leaving me?”

  He half turned. “I need to shower. Dirt. I have dirt on me. So I’m going to shower. Bye.” He left us alone.

  I sat at the table after I grabbed a cookie and a glass of water. Celeste needed a target, so she picked me. “I love how you can just eat a cookie and not worry about the weight you’ll put on.”

  Oh, taking shots at how I look. She couldn’t have picked a more useless topic. I literally have the body of a goddess. I couldn’t be overweight even if I wanted to. If I got knocked up, I would only carry it in my stomach. It was impossible for me to look unflattering.

  I took a bite of the cookie. “Thanks.”

  She grinned. “Did I get a chance to tell you how cute you look with all that.” She pointed to my clothes. “Like an adorable little girl with your pigtails and suspenders.”

  “Yeah, I figure, why not?”

  Celeste slipped herself into a chair. “I’m actually glad you and I have a minute. I wanted to talk to you.”

  “About?”

  She smiled condescendingly. “Jasper, obviously.”

  “Do you think you’re going to convince me to leave him? You won’t. I love him.” The little truth made my chest feel off. But I did love him. I loved Jasmine and Juniper too. They were all my friends.

  She patted my hand. “There are some things about him that I know you don’t understand. I just think you should know.”

  My eyes narrowed. “Enlighten me.”

  She tried to look serious. “You see; Jasper is very introverted. Scary withdrawn. But when he lets you in, it’s scary in a different way. He feels everything like it’s the only thing. So you understand why I don’t think you can handle it, don’t ya? I’m only looking out for him.”

  I thought about that. About Jasper seeing me as the only thing. Being the center of his world. Scary, yes. Unappealing, no.

  “So, what, do you think that you’re the one to handle it?” I asked. “It was too much for you the first time around.”

  Her smile never wavered. “I know him better than you do.”

  “I bet you really believe that. Do you think that just because you slept with him for a few months that you’re an expert on who he is? If you were, you’d know he doesn’t want you anymore. We can pretend this is something other than it is, but we both know better. You chose to leave him and your turn is done. Be a bitch to me all you want; it won’t change the fact that he likes me better than you.”

  Her eyebrow arched. “You think that?”

  I wasn’t actually sure, but this was a game. “I know that.”

  “Honey, Jasper is far too much for you. Do you really want to find out the hard way? You’ll feel overwhelmed when you figure out that you’re not enough to love him right.”

  I couldn’t love anything right. That part of me was damaged a long time ago and I wasn’t sure it was able to heal. I didn’t see myself letting people in, but then came the Seers. Jasper. Him above the girls. I knew that. My brain was trying to tell me why, but I was ignoring the signs. All of them. They were there and the clouds were parting.

  I pulled everything back and descended into false confidence. “Celeste,” I said with no respect. “My and Jasper’s relationship is not nor will it ever be any of your fucking business. I don’t care what you used to be to him, because you’re nothing now. He doesn’t see you when I’m in the room.”

  She took it in stride because she knew neither of us believed it. “You seem really sweet, but fragile. You are glass, Kizzy. Don’t you think Jasper deserves more than glass?”

  Then she stood up, leaving me in my head. “I need to go now. Tell Jasper I said goodbye.” She stared walking, but I was hardly aware.

  My head wanted me to look in another direction than I was. It was shining a dim light on something I shouldn’t be looking at. Something I didn’t think could be there. It was a bitter thing, it still being there when I couldn’t have it. Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

  I stood up and started walking, I knew not where. Everyone but Jasper was in the living room. Jasmine was making a happy comment about Celeste being gone, Juniper was cleaning a very clean wall and Zander was staring quizzically at Nemo.

  I moved past them, ignoring when Zander asked where I was going. I knew now. I got to Jasper’s door and I knocked, because that should be a new rule.

  Ten seconds later, Jasper opened it. I could see that his hair was still wet from the shower. And the mostly buttoned shirt was a giveaway. “I take it she’s gone,” he said.

  “Is there a pep in my step?”

  “A little.” He smiled and let me in.

  He went to his window and the blinds were open. The little plant I gave him was in a perfect spot for the sun to hit it. The clouds we
re still in the sky, so it wouldn’t be happening today. He still watered it and it made me smile that he was actually taking care of the thing.

  He turned back to me. “I miss anything?”

  I was honest. “She was trying to get me to back off.”

  “Of what?”

  My eyebrow rose. “You.”

  “Oh, does she think we’re…”

  “Yeah, pretty sure. She said I couldn’t handle you.”

  Japer laughed. “Kinda feel like I’d be the one who couldn’t handle you.”

  Over here, Kizzy! Look, look! I batted away the voice calling me. “Why not?” I was moving forward and I hardly noticed.

  “Well,” he smiled slightly. “You’re… stunning. Always. You make me a little nervous sometimes.”

  I loved those words and I didn’t know why. Really, stupid? Pay attention. I tried. My body was hot and I kept taking steps to Jasper.

  “Is that all?” I asked.

  He shook his head and his eyes refused to leave mine. I was a couple feet from him when I stopped. “I like spending time with you.”

  “I like spending time with you too.”

  “Kezia,” he said. “I really like spending time with you. When I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you.”

  “What are you thinking about?”

  Then I knew just what I was doing. I knew why. He wasn’t answering and we were just watching each other. It made everything obvious and it made me feel stupid for not figuring it out sooner.

  I never got to find out what his answer was. I jumped him. Literally jumped him. My legs went around his waist and my hands went to the back of his head, pulling him to me when he was already on his way. He stumbled back a little and I parted my lips a second after we started kissing. I moaned just a bit when his tongue slipped into my mouth. It was just so… wow. His taste was everything I thought it would be, as I realized I’d thought about it. It was warm and comforting and electric. Entirely magnificent. Soft and rough and I was dissolving against him.

  His hands were free to wander and they did. He touched my legs and my back and the skin under my shirt. I loved it. Every moment.

  It was like someone flipped the generator on. A billion lights started blazing and everything was crystal clear. All I could see was him.

  My body stayed fused with his and I wished bitterly that it could remain like that for eternity. It wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to be consumed. I wanted to feel nothing but Jasper around me, against me, inside of me. I wanted him to inhabit me.

  We started moving and then something soft was under me. A bed. His bed. My legs tightened and I hoped I wasn’t hurting him. He pushed himself against me and I felt the proof that he liked this at least half as much as I did.

  His hands traveled again. One slipped up my shirt and rested politely on my ribs. I didn’t want polite. I moved his hand up to where it was supposed to be and everything felt better.

  My skin felt so hot that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t burning him. I let a hand weave into his hair while the other went up the warm skin of his back.

  Then he rocked himself against me and the world stopped.

  His lips were on my neck and he did it again. It felt so… good. Wonderful and that was what made me break apart under him. I wasn’t supposed to like this. I wasn’t supposed to let people touch me. To want them to touch me. And I did. I wanted him to keep going until time stopped, but I couldn’t let him. He was making me feel good when I didn’t have any right to. Especially in the way he was doing it.

  I pushed up on his chest. “Jasper,” my voice was a cry.

  He stopped everything in a second and it was curious. His hand moved from my breast and he stopped bumping his pelvis against mine. He looked down at me, still panting. “Are you all right, Kezia?”

  I shook my head and whimpered. He got off of me in half a second. He was standing and I was lying down, like the whore I was. That’s what I did. I laid on my back and it got people killed. I didn’t want Jasper to be punished for what I was.

  I sat up and I was in a panic. Air wasn’t getting into my lungs and the world tilted around me.

  I was bad. I did bad things. I kept doing them. I promised I wouldn’t and I just did it anyway. I ruined everything.

  Couldn’t have this. Couldn’t have Jasper. Celeste was right. So right. I was glass. He deserves more than glass. He shouldn’t have to be delicate with the person he was with. He shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. I was bad. Bad for him. Bad for everybody. I loved him enough to be better than I was and hope for someone worthy to come along for him. They could take care of him. He wouldn’t have to be careful.

  I left the room and I didn’t know how. I was just gone and Jasper was calling my name. I was so, so bad. I made him feel bad. I couldn’t fix it. Didn’t know how to fix it.

  I just break things.

  I knew what I needed. My person. Not the person I just hurt, but the one who could make it all stop.

  I got downstairs and I was a mess. The girls saw. Zander saw. Jasper saw from the stairs. Zander knew in a moment. He always knew. He got me and he brought me to the backyard. We were under the dry part and I sank to the ground.

  I was gasping and crying and I couldn’t move. Zander dropped in front of me and held my face. His was already wet with tears. “What happened, honey?”

  I tried to talk but nothing was coming out. No air.

  It always hurt. After the touching then came the hurt. It was how I knew I did wrong. She would touch me and he would hurt me. I would bleed and I would heal and that would hurt. It hurt so badly, being stitched back together. Healing hurt.

  “Please, look at me,” Zander said and it sounded like a song written just for me. The words floated into my ears and surrounded me. “Breathe,” he ordered me. “Breathe steady.”

  The hyperventilating started petering out and I could breathe again.

  His voice was like a requiem. “Tell me what happened.”

  I obeyed. “I kissed him. He kissed me back. We got on the bed and he was touching me. It felt really, really good. I liked it.”

  A little flood of tears fell from Zander as he smiled miserably. “That’s great, sweetie. That’s really great.”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m only going to hurt him. I get people hurt.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “I do. I can’t keep him. He would have to be careful.”

  Zander’s face was just despair. “He loves you enough to do it.”

  “No,” I cried. “He shouldn’t. He doesn’t. He won’t. I can’t be okay for him. I can’t even be okay for me. I don’t want him worried about doing something wrong, or touching me and me freaking out. He should have freedom and I can’t give him that.”

  If he wanted to push me up against a wall without warning, he should be able to. Or kiss me without making sure he wasn’t scaring me. Touch me however he wanted. He should get to have fun. I would not be fun. I would be a chore and no one deserved that. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserved the world.

  Zander wiped tears from me as the cold wind blew. “That’s not what love is. Love bends, it can soothe and change people. You have to want it.”

  I stared at the wet grass of the yard. “I don’t want him to love me.”

  “But you love him.”

  I shook my head again. “No I don’t.”

  He laughed at me. “You know you can’t lie to me about that kind of thing, right?”

  Shouldn’t want him. Shouldn’t love him. Bad. Bad for him. I didn’t deserve him and he didn’t deserve me.

  “He doesn’t want this…”

  “That’s not your decision to make.”

  It is when I get people killed. When I ruin happy homes, like Zander’s. I ruined everything for him. He was so, so happy. Then he saw me that night. Still healing. Covered in dried blood. Everything happy in him ended, because I killed it.

  I was just doing it again. I came into this home and disturbed it. I
put all these people in danger and I hurt Jasper. This was the hurt. I finished the touching and I liked it, so I was being punished worse. I’d take that baseball bat in a second if I could trade this for that.

  Zander held me. My safe place, as it always was. I just didn’t feel safe. I felt like the monster who broke through the castle gates. I was destroying everything I touched. Again.

  “You’re going to be okay,” Zander said in my ear.

  I didn’t believe him. Not at all. I was being held by Zander and all I wanted was for him to be Jasper. For these to be different arms. I was selfish.

  “We have to leave,” I said. “Right now. Find a new place.”

  “That would upset all of them.”

  “They’d live.”

  “They’ll live anyway.”

  “Please.”

  “No.”

  “Zander. You were right about too much. This was too much. We have to leave.”

  “No,” he said again. “It might have been too much, but it won’t always be. I promise you.”

  I looked up at him and said nothing.

  “Trust me.”

  17: Hideaway

  Jasper

  I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t surprising, after the day that I had. It had started out just fine, even with Celeste in the house. Kezia and I had been getting along and just spending time together. It had been fun watching her play with the plants in the backyard, where she was really in her element. Given free range, I think our backyard would look like a jungle, with all the stuff she wanted to fill it with.

  Then things had gone too far. I wasn’t even entirely sure how it had happened. Celeste went home and Kezia had been fuming. Celeste set her off in ways that I’d never seen before. Even my sisters didn’t get that worked up over my ex. Then Kezia and I had been in my room and she had been looking at me like she wanted to devour me.

  Then she was kissing me and everything kind of went downhill after that. Well… First it got really good and then it went downhill. I knew what happened, even if I didn’t want to. The vision that I shouldn’t have had let me know everything.

  She kissed me and my brain shut off. All thoughts ended. I just wanted to do what her gaze begged for. I wanted to devour her. We had ended up on the bed and I can’t even say for sure how we got there. I don’t remember moving her, nor do I remember laying her down. What I remember was her lips and how soft they felt against mine. The way her chest was pressed against mine, so that all I felt was her. Her body along mine, her hips accepting mine. It had been marvelous.