We Will Gain Our Fury

by Nicole Thorn

  At that point, I finally managed to coax her into her bedroom. She was tense still, but she took off her shoes and put them with her other two pairs, in her closet. Her closet had all her shirts hung up, in a neat white row. Then her dress pants were right next to them. Everything arranged by length. All of her furniture was white, as was her carpet and her bedding and curtains. Her walls were painted a muted beige and were almost completely bare of pictures. She had exactly one up and it was of the three of us the day we moved into the house.

  I got my sister into her bed and pulled the blankets up. She curled into a ball, until she looked so much like Jasmine that I felt sad. I stayed next to her, talking quietly, until she fell asleep. I repeated the same story to her that I always did, since I had it memorized by the time I was ten. Somewhere in the room, she even had the book. The Cat and the Hat.

  When she was breathing softly, after I had repeated all the words at least three times, I peeled myself from her side and stepped out into the hallway. The house felt quiet, but my head was roaring. The noise so loud that I could barely think around it. I sat down outside Juniper’s room, listening to the roaring. It was too many words to understand, but I listened anyway, because I didn’t know what else to do. When it finally dimmed and I had no more thoughts to think, I got up. I paused in front of my bedroom door, but I wasn’t tired anymore. I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t thirsty. I wasn’t lonely. I went downstairs and into the garage.

  My headphones went back into my ears and I looked at the little car. It was really important that I finish it and then the house it went with and the dog I wanted to put on the lawn and the…

  18: Better

  Kezia

  “I don’t want to leave this room,” I decided, telling Zander.

  He stared at me from his door. “Too bad. We talked about this. You just need to take little steps. You tried too much at once and it gave you a panic attack.”

  “What if he doesn’t wanna see me at all?” I asked, knowing Zander would know what I was talking about. “What if he’s all freaked out that I took off? Or that I kissed him at all. It wasn’t even really a kiss,” I said, my breathing already starting to pick up. “I just attacked him. He might have hated it. He’s so sweet that he probably just went with it so I wouldn’t feel bad. God, I’m so stupid.”

  He laughed at me. “Yeah, you’re right. Guys get hard to be polite. We not only have complete control of that, but we like to use it for good instead of evil.”

  I blushed. I didn’t even tell Zander about that part. I was worried he’d try and kill Jasper. But he wasn’t angry with him and I was very happy about that.

  “There was friction,” I said. That was what caused my panic in the first place. “It probably had little to do with me.”

  Zander rubbed his hands down his face and mumbled. “She really thinks that…”

  “I’m right here,” I snapped. “And don’t you think that if he actually liked me, he would have said something? Or shown any sign of it. At all.”

  “Like spending an hour in the back with you, planting flowers? Or sitting next to you when we watched a movie? Or always standing beside you? Or eating what you make him, even when he looks like he’d rather jump off a roof than put food in his mouth? No, you’re right. He doesn’t like you at all. In fact, he probably is disgusted with you completely. I mean, the way he’s always staring at your body. Clear hate. You’d need to be a fool not to notice.”

  I threw a pillow at Zander’s face. Then another. “He doesn’t look at my body.”

  Zander frowned. “Yes he does. Everyone does. We’re half god. We look like walking temptations. I don’t always like it, but it’s our lot in life. You know that. We look inhuman and people are either drawn to it or repelled. Your Jasper fella is very, very drawn to it.”

  I disagreed. He was the kindest person I knew and I believed he would be sweet enough to try and not make me feel bad about what I did. Ugh, I did so much stupid stuff. I just remembered how much I wanted Jasper. Like he was air and I was drowning. But I was always drowning. The undertow always had a hand wrapped around my ankle, waiting to pull me down.

  Zander was the only thing that ever kept my head above water. He was who I thought about when I would sit in my room, recovering after a session with Parker, my foster mother. I would think about how as long as I could be a good girl and not tell him, then he could stay happy. Why should we both be sad? I would just remember that even though I was all messed up, Zander was in heaven. It was enough to keep my mouth shut. Even when Mr. Rivers would find me and somehow know what happened. When he would pick out something to hit me with and take out his anger on. I bled, but Zander didn’t. He’d been in so many places that were bad for him. With mean people. He found such a safe place… I couldn’t take that from him.

  Zander was on the bed then. My hands were in his and he was begging me. “Stay with me, honey.”

  He knew. He always knew when I was slipping. He was the hand outside of the water, trying to pull me ashore. He tried so hard, even when he knew I would lose.

  I blinked. “I have to say sorry to Jasper. I don’t want him to hate me.”

  Zander hugged me. “He does not hate you, Kizzy.”

  “Maybe he should. He could be safer that way.”

  Zander rubbed my back and moved away. He tilted my chin up. “You’re very frustrating sometimes. Do you know that?”

  “You love me anyway.”

  “Oh, I love you more because of it. Never doubt that.” He dropped his hands. “Just remember, little steps. Don’t try kissing him again yet.”

  My eyes widened. “I am never kissing him ever again.”

  “Well that’ll disappoint him.”

  “Why?”

  He looked at me like I was dumb. “Kiz…”

  I sighed. “He doesn’t like me like that.”

  “Sure. Lots of guys would put their tongue in your mouth just to be kind.”

  I stood from the bed, smoothing out the sleep clothes I was in. “I started that. He wasn’t the one who kissed me.”

  “He kissed you back.”

  “As opposed to shoving me away or peeling my legs off of him? Yeah, because he didn’t want to upset me. I bet when I go talk to him, he’ll try and let me down really easy. He probably planned on doing it after we finished kissing, but I ran away first.”

  “Kizzy,” Zander said in a curious voice. “Say he does have a thing for you. What would you do about it?”

  I stared. “What do you mean?”

  “You have feelings for him. Do you want to be with him?”

  Then I took a step back. “It doesn’t matter.”

  His lips were parted and I saw his tongue touch his molars. “It does. I won’t push, but will you answer?”

  I crossed my arms. “I know I’m not supposed to like people.”

  I was met with heartbreak. “That’s not true. You’re allowed to want to date someone. Or kiss them. Or want sex.”

  My body tensed. “I don’t!”

  Zander was so used to outbursts that he didn’t do anything but push more softness into his voice and expression. “You’re a person, Kezia. You’re capable of being attracted to someone and sometimes that results in wanting to experience something physical with them. That’s not wrong and you should allow yourself to feel that. Just because someone took advantage of you, doesn’t mean you can’t feel natural human emotions.”

  I squirmed in my spot. “But it makes me feel like I’m…” I stopped.

  Zander stood and put his hands on my shoulders. “I understand what it makes you think. I don’t want you to see sex as something evil or bad for the rest of your life. It’s wonderful and very special when you’re with the right person. Someone did something bad to you and it fucked up your whole way of thinking. You can be touched in good ways too. It’s science and chemicals and things you can’t fight in your body that make you want it. And it’s fine that you want that.”

  I did and it mad
e me feel sick. I kept thinking about Jasper and it was affecting me in very uncomfortable and new ways. He’s the only person I’ve ever been attracted to and it was ruining everything. The worst part was that he still felt like a safe place. I wanted to see him, but I was terrified that those new feelings would come back.

  “Is it gonna go away?” I asked.

  “What? The feelings you have for him?”

  I shook my head. “The way I feel about those feelings? Is it always gonna be icky?”

  He smiled but it was so, so broken. His voice was a little shaky. “I don’t know, sweetheart. I really don’t. But I think that if you want to try and start healing, you have a shot. If you keep standing still, then it’ll rot inside of you.”

  I was crying quietly. “I don’t know if I can get better.”

  Zander put his hand on my face. “You have to want it.”

  I started for the door and I stopped, turning. “Do you have a sweater I can borrow?”

  He shook his head and I knew there was no fighting. “No sweaters. No more steps backwards.”

  Be brave. I just needed to be brave.

  I left, then snuck into my room. I was still in jammies, so I had to get dressed in real clothes. I found shorts and a shirt. It wasn’t tight, but it wasn’t baggy either. No shoes or socks, since I wasn’t leaving the house. I may go out to the backyard later. Flowers would make me feel better.

  My hair was in a loose ponytail over my shoulder. I looked utterly undesirable, so if Zander was right, it wouldn’t matter. Jasper would see me all boring and shoeless, with messy hair and not care at all.

  When I went downstairs, there was no sign of Jasmine. It was early, so maybe she was sleeping still. Juniper was polishing a bookcase in the corner. I said hello, but she didn’t notice.

  I tapped on her shoulder and she jumped. “Oh, hi,” she said, not stopping her work. “Sorry. I was just fixing this up.” She pointed.

  It looked fine, but I didn’t say anything about it. “Do you know where Jasper is?”

  “I think he’s still in his studio.”

  I felt cold all over. I knew I was going to be alone with him, but the closer I got, the more terrified I was. I was so scared that he was going to break my heart. But better mine than his.

  Juniper pointed me in the right direction and then I was at a door. A door that Jasper was on the other side of. He was someone who had so much more power than he could ever understand. That was what was wonderful about him. He was so incapable of taking advantage, that he wouldn’t even notice that he could. He could crush me, break me, screw me and he wouldn’t do any of that. He would just be kind, because that was who he was.

  When I gathered the courage, I knocked on the door. I waited a whole minute and he didn’t answer it, so I tried again. Nothing. Maybe he knew I was here and didn’t want to talk to me. Or risk me jumping him again.

  That was it. He hated it so much that he didn’t want to talk to me at all. He probably thought I would just attack him. I was horrible last time. I actually moved his hand around my bra. He must have been so uncomfortable. All the more reason to try and fix this.

  I knocked again. “Jasper?” I called out. “Can you open the door?”

  A few seconds later, the door opened. “Sorry,” Jasper said. “I was listening to music. Were you here long?”

  I shook my head. “Can I come in? I need to talk to you.”

  He stepped aside, letting me in. I hadn’t been in the space before. I felt like I was invading something sacred. There were pieces of art all around. Each different and interesting. What Jasper returned to when I walked in, was a little village looking thing. He had a half finished house in front of him. It looked like he was working on the roof. He didn’t stop when I spoke and all it did was confirm his lack of interest in me.

  “So,” I said, very timidly. “I wanted to say that I was sorry.”

  “Why?”

  “Why am I sorry, or why do I want to say it?”

  “The first one.”

  I swallowed and noticed how dry my throat was. And how small the room felt. And how distant I felt from Jasper. It made me sick again and I didn’t know how to make it better. I wanted to hold his hand and hug him. Kiss him. I pictured it. Me with my arms around his neck, his hands on my hips. Slow and soft kisses that only I wanted. So I shook it from my mind.

  I spoke again. “I’m sorry that I jumped you. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, especially in your house. I promise I won’t do it again.”

  That was when he stopped. He glanced over at me. Zander was wrong, because he wasn’t looking at me like he wanted me. I wasn’t even sure he wanted me in the room. If I had to guess, I’d say he didn’t. He probably wanted me out of his home.

  So it started now. The looks of pity. Him seeing me as the broken little girl I am. Or worse, the whore that Mr. Rivers said I was, each and every time his wife got into my bed instead of his. I guess I deserved it.

  “You shouldn’t feel bad about it,” Jasper finally said.

  I was doing everything I could to not cry. “I should. I did something bad and I’m so, so sorry, Jasper. Please, don’t hate me.” Please. “I just keep doing bad things and I don’t know how to be better.” I lost my fight with the tears, but at least I wasn’t sobbing. My hands shook and I hid them behind my back.

  “Kezia,” he said my name and took a step to me. “I don’t hate you, at all. Please don’t feel bad about what happened.”

  “I can’t help it. I ruined everything.”

  “You didn’t. Everything is fine.”

  My hands went to my sides. “Do you actually believe that?”

  He acted like nothing was wrong. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Because we kinda did a bunch of stuff. Then I freaked out and ran away. Are you telling me that it doesn’t change anything?”

  His face was totally sincere. “Don’t see why it should.”

  Then I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Zander was so, so wrong. Not only did Jasper not want me, but kissing me meant literally nothing at all to him. So much nothing that it didn’t even change anything. I wasn’t sure how or why, but this was so much worse than him being uncomfortable or weird with me. Because at least then he felt something. I was less than nothing to him.

  Nothing. I was too much to the person I didn’t want and I was nothing to the person I did want. Because I wanted him. I couldn’t ignore that anymore. I had very strong feelings for Jasper and they didn’t matter.

  I blinked and forced myself to look up at the person I very stupidly thought couldn’t hurt me. Shouldn’t be shocked that I was wrong. “Guess you’re right. Shouldn’t change anything.”

  I crossed my arms and Jasper went back to his house thing. I just watched for a few seconds. Then I spoke again. “So, you’re okay?”

  He smiled at me. “Yeah, fine. All good.”

  I forced a small smile back. “Good.” I tasted blood when I started chewing on the inside of my cheek. I didn’t even know I was doing it until it started hurting me. Funny, almost.

  The only thing in my chest was pure devastation. Even now, I still wanted to be close to him. Close and far away because I felt like he didn’t want me here. He wasn’t aware enough to ask me to leave, so I guess I should just offer. Be a good little girl and scamper off before he had to hint at it.

  I started walking out.

  “Leaving?” he asked.

  I turned, still walking slowly. “Yeah. Zander and I are gonna go do something.” Maybe I could get him to bring me somewhere far from here. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay.” He nodded.

  I was almost out the door when I turned again. “Maybe you should go and eat something.”

  He laughed. “You’re not gonna try and force it on me?”

  I shook my head and got the hell out of Dodge.

  I went right to the backyard, not going to look for Zander. I needed to be outside. Not inside. Inside was too small.


  Then I was in the grass. It was drizzling, but I laid down anyway. I closed my eyes and felt the cool rain on me. Somehow, it made things feel a little better. I was cold. Freezing. I could focus on that. Cold was better than heartbroken.

  I smelled the flowers before I knew consciously that I was growing them. Deep red roses and purple hyacinths. When my eyes opened, the hyacinths were growing all around me. The yard was surrounded as the sky grayed. The wind stung my skin, but I didn’t even mind.

  My eyes went to the house as the rose vines took it over. They climbed and consumed as the roses bloomed. Hundreds maybe. The smell was strong in the air. Sweet enough to burn my nose. Rain, flowers and clay dust.

  The wind blew harder as the clouds rolled in. I couldn’t stop watching them. They stole away all the blue from the sky. Every spec of sun and brightness. I should hate it, but in the moment, I couldn’t. I always liked the rain.

  The air around me hissed as it ripped the petals from my flowers. They filled the space around me as they were whisked out of the yard and over the fence.

  I sat up, feeling helpless to stop it. So I hit the self-destruct button. Feeling numb all over, I focused and detached each and every petal from its flower. There were thousands and thousands and I felt each and every one of them. The rain was making some of them stick to my body. I was soaked. Still, I didn’t care. My toes and fingertips were numb and I wished I could feel it throughout me.

  It was oddly beautiful, watching them go. The rain was pouring harder and it beat out the wind, taking down the petals and pushing them face down against the grass. The roots and vines receded back into nothingness, but the petals remained because I wanted them to. There wasn’t an inch of the yard that wasn’t covered.