Raw Honey

by Cecil, Amy

  As if my heart hasn't broken enough, I hear him climbing the back stairs and I’m sure that he is going after Emma.

  Chapter 7

  About an hour later I’m back at the bar when Ice comes back downstairs. All the boys are in the chapel waiting for him. When he gets to the bottom of the steps he doesn't say a word, he just goes straight into the chapel and closes the door.

  I decide that I am speaking with him tonight. I know I have lost, I knew it the minute she arrived, but I need to hear it from him. I will make him face this one way or another. I busy myself getting their shot glasses ready. It's a common practice when they finish with their meetings for each member to come out and have a shot. I never understood that. Those meetings must be pretty stressful.

  About forty-five minutes after the meeting started, Emma comes back downstairs. Why can't she just stay in her room so I don't have to look at her? I look at her and see that she has been crying, and I immediately want to help. But then I remember who she is and how she has turned my life upside down in just twenty-four hours, and I decide that she can fend for herself.

  When she gets up to the bar, she says, "Excuse me?"

  I ignore her. I can't even look at her, I'm just not ready. I know that when I do, I will see Ice's lips fused with hers and I will lose my shit.

  "Honey, may I please have a shot of whiskey?"

  Whiskey? Now that fucking gets my attention. Without looking at her, I reply, "Coming right up." I place her drink on the bar as the boys adjourn from their meeting and head straight for the bar. The last one out of the room is Ice. He pauses at the door and scans the room. I know he's looking for Emma. When he sees her, he makes a beeline directly for her.

  "What are you drinking?" he asks her with a mischievous smile on his face. He seems amused that she isn't drinking her usual foofoo drink.

  She ignores him and picks up her glass and downs her shot. Slamming it down on the bar, she turns toward Ice and says, "Whiskey." Then she looks over at me and slides her shot glass toward me. She says, "I'll have another one."

  I just nod. I am surprised by her boldness. She is pushing his buttons now; she is clearly stating that she is not going to take his shit.

  Ice bellows, "No! She will not have another one, Honey."

  I immediately stop pouring her drink. She looks at him in disgust. Oh fuck, this is gonna be good.

  "Cade, I want another drink!" she demands. Just like that, Ice backs down and nods to me. I finishing pouring her drink and bring it to her. She picks up her second shot and downs it, again slamming the glass down on the bar.

  "Holy shit, Emma. I never knew you drank the hard stuff." Apparently he's no longer mad; he’s acting as if he is proud of her drinking like this. Then he asks, "Why are you drinking?"

  The defiance in her response makes me take a step back. "I can drink if I want to. I'm a grown woman, Cade. I'm not a child anymore."

  "Calm down there, sweetheart, I was just asking. It's not like you to be drinking hard liquor in the middle of the afternoon."

  "How would you know what I’m like? You haven't seen or spoken to me in eleven years. I've changed, Cade. There are a lot of things I do now that I didn't do before. Get used to it."

  Are they fighting, or is this foreplay? I really can't tell.

  "Emma! Stop! Now!" he says angrily. It’s obvious that he's pissed off by her defiance and the fact that she is calling him out in front of the club. Even I know that's a big no-no. "If you don't stop now, I'm gonna take you over my knee." Finally, she stops baiting him and shuts up.

  It’s lucky for her that she got the hint when she did and shut up. She asks me for another shot, downs it, and then leaves the bar, heading straight for her room. I know she is not a regular drinker, so three shots of bourbon are going to make her feel pretty good in about fifteen minutes.

  Right after Emma left, Dbag comes out of the back room and approaches Ice. He says, "I got an ID on that black SUV."

  "Whatcha got?"

  "SUV is registered to a Mark Grayson. He's a big-time attorney, works in Erie. Lives here in Edinboro."

  "You got anything else?"

  "Well, I think I might have found something, but I don't know. I searched both the DMV databases and the crime databases. An incident report showed up about the chick's disappearance. Emma's friend."

  He looks at him in surprise. "What?"

  What the fuck is going on? Some of the pieces are starting to fall into place, but I'm still so confused.

  "Well, apparently, the same black SUV was noted on the report. There weren't any details as to how or why it was there. It was just arbitrarily listed on the report as a vehicle involved, but with no evidence tying the SUV to her disappearance. I'm not sure, boss, I've never seen a police report like this one before."

  So that's what is going on with Emma. It seems that she's got a friend that is in trouble. And who is this Grayson guy? Boyfriend or fiancé maybe? If she has one of those, that could be good news for me.

  "Dbag, I want you to find out everything you can on Mark Grayson. And when I say everything, I mean everything! I want to know how many times he pisses in a day! You got me?" Ice says.

  "Yes, sir!" He quickly heads to the back office. A few minutes later, Ice leaves and heads for the back stairs.

  He's only been gone for a few minutes before he comes back looking a bit disappointed. He comes up to the bar and takes a seat. I ask, "What'll you have, Ice?"

  "The usual, please." I grab his bottle of Maker's and pour him a drink. He finishes it and asks for another.

  When I bring it over, I say, "You look troubled. Is there anything I can do for you?"

  "Naw, sweetheart, I'm good. Just got a lot on my mind."

  After a few minutes go by, the other brothers that had been lingering around the bar disperse, leaving me alone with Ice. I guess now is as good as time as any. I don't know if I will ever get a chance like this again. "Ice, can we talk?" I ask. He looks at me, pleading with his eyes to not push this conversation, but I can't let it go. I need to know once and for all. I need the truth.

  Looking defeated, he shrugs and says, "Why don't you take a break? We can talk in my office." I smile, finish putting some of the bottles away, and then follow him to his office.

  I walk in and close the door behind me. As soon as we're completely alone, I run into his arms. "Ice, I've missed you so much." It's my last attempt to salvage anything between us. I can feel him attempting to push me away, but I just grab on to him tighter. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid that this is all we have left. I know he is strong enough to remove me and I appreciate the fact that at least he's allowing me this. After several seconds in his arms, I ease up on my grip and he gradually steps away.

  Suddenly, I feel more lost and alone than I did before. But instead of saying the words I know he will say, I hang on and ask, "What's wrong?"

  "Honey, I'm sorry, but I can't. We had fun, but it's over," he says.

  Tears well up in my eyes. I was expecting this, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier. "But why?" I ask. He better fucking tell me the truth. Yeah, sure, I don't want to hear it…but if he gives me some bullshit story instead of what is plain and clear, I swear I will never forgive him.

  "Honey, I'm sure you knew this was coming," he states matter-of-factly.

  "But, Ice, I thought …" I don't finish. The hope is gone and there is no point in trying to salvage something that isn't there. He's right—we had fun. But he has no idea how much I love him. He has no idea that I would do anything for him and his club. He doesn't understand that he's my savior and that my loyalty to him runs very deep.

  "Honey, Emma and I have a history. I need to see where this—whatever this is between us—is gonna go. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was never my intent. But you knew from the beginning I was not in the market for an old lady."

  I nod sullenly. "I know, I was just hoping … well, that maybe … oh, never mind." I turn toward the door, and then look back at him a
nd say, "We had fun though, didn't we?"

  He smiles and says, "We sure did." As I open the door, he calls out after me, "Honey, you know you always have a home here. You take care of my boys and me like nobody else. If that's what you want, that will never change."

  "Thanks, Ice. That means a lot to me." I turn again to leave and then add quietly, "I hope things work out for you and Emma. You deserve to be happy." Oddly enough, I believe I mean it. He was right, he would have never been able to give me what I wanted from him. Not in the long term. Especially if he's got this history with Emma; that would have always stood between us.

  "Thanks, Honey. I hope you find some happiness too."

  I leave Ice's office, wiping the tears from my face. Although I have been dumped, I feel that a load has been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer have to worry about trying to please him, or being afraid that he will leave me. I no longer need to worry about where I stand with him. I had never realized how heavily that constant worry weighed on me. But the weight is gone. I walk out to the bar area and see Hawk sitting there alone. He knows where I've just come from, and by the look on his face, he knows the outcome. He warned me about this a long time ago and I refused to listen.

  I walk up to the bar and sit down next to him. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I say, "Wanna drink?"

  He looks down and smiles at me. "You were busy, darling, so I helped myself." He smiles at me and his understanding of my predicament is written all over his face. "You look like you have been through the wringer. Wanna talk about it?"

  I smile sadly. "No, I don't. But I'd love the company."

  "You got it, love. You know that." He puts his arm around me and pulls me close. "For what it's worth, I'm still waiting." I put my arms around him and squeeze.

  "Thank you, Hawk. You've always been rock solid for me." I pause and say, "I still need some time, but I promise, I won't forget."

  We sit like this in an awkward yet surprisingly comfortable silence. No more words need to be spoken between us. I have no idea what is going on in Hawk's mind, but my mind is closing a Chapter and considering a new one. I will not shed any more tears for Ice or for what might have been.

  After Hawk leaves to take care of some club business, I decide to go into the kitchen and just chill to get my thoughts together. After sitting there for roughly an hour, in walks Emma. You can do this, I tell myself. After my conversation with Ice, I know that I have to be nice to her. If I start to cause problems, there is a good chance that Ice will make me leave. I have nowhere else to go and I can't jeopardize that.

  "Hey," I say as she walks in. She just groans. I think the effects of her drinking are taking their toll on her. I get up and get her a cup of coffee; she's gonna need it. I set it down on the table and she smiles kindly and says, "Thank you, Honey."

  We sit there in silence for several minutes before Ice comes bursting in. The look on his face is ashen. I am sure seeing us together has got him worried, especially after the talk we had earlier.

  "Emma, I need to talk to you," he says.

  "Cade, can it wait, please? I've got a splitting headache and would love to finish my coffee."

  "Nope, can't wait. Bring your coffee. My office, now!"

  He's being very stern with her and it almost pisses me off. Can't he see that she is hungover and just needs a minute? Holy fuck, am I actually sticking up for her? Absolutely not. I don't sway that easy. But I will give her some advice. "Emma, you better go. Ice isn't used to waiting for anyone." She nods and gets up from the chair, taking her coffee with her as she leaves.

  Chapter 8

  The first couple of days after Emma arrived were the worst days of my life, but now I’m just living through a series of bad days because of Emma. Each day, the hurt gets a little easier and each day I try to be a little nicer to Emma. And she has been coming around too. She always offers to help me—at first I didn't want her help, but now it's not so bad. She really is a nice girl, and it's not like she came back to destroy my life. She needed Ice, just like I needed him. Who could blame her?

  This morning I woke unusually early after a solid sleep. It's really the first good night's sleep I've had since hurricane Emma arrived. I get myself dressed and go down to the common area. I'm sure I can occupy myself with something useful instead of lying here thinking. Nothing good ever comes of that; it's better to keep myself busy.

  I walk into the kitchen and I am surprised to see Ice brewing coffee. "Ice, you're up early."

  "Yeah, got shit to do today. Coffee's still hot. I'll be in my office if anyone is looking for me."

  He leaves the kitchen and me in his wake.

  And that is how things are between us. I guess it's a good thing. He's keeping his distance for me and I know that. But sometimes it makes things so hard. We used to be able to talk, but now I'm just one of the guys. I used to be special.

  I get the feeling that the club has got something planned where Emma is concerned. Obviously, I'm not privy to what it is, but I pray that nobody gets hurt. However, I can't shake the feeling that my prayers will be unanswered.

  I'm still working in the kitchen when I hear Ice talking rather loudly in the common area. Walking out, I hear him say, "Hey boys … well, it is official. I've finally found a woman who will put up with me and all of you sorry losers." He gestures toward Emma and continues, "My beautiful, sexy, and smart Emma. She has always had my heart and my protection. Now she has my patch."

  I knew this was coming. I expected it. But why does it still hurt so much? I really don't want to hear anymore, so I quietly go back into the kitchen.

  Several minutes later, Ice calls for a celebratory drink and of course, I come back out. It's 10:30 in the morning, but they all have their drink. When the drink is over, I start cleaning up their drink glasses. Ice walks over and I say, "Want me to take care of getting her vest and patch?"

  "You'd do that?" he asks, surprised.

  "Of course I will."

  "You're a true champ, Honey. You really are," he says and then walks away.

  Over the next week, Emma and I spend a lot of time together. I hate to admit it, but we are actually becoming friends. I like her. She's not a princess. She's got tenacity and spunk, and I love the fact that she doesn't take any of Ice's bullshit.

  Ice and the boys have been busy, and now I know why. Emma told me everything about her friend Brianne and her ex-fiancé Mark. It's some pretty fucked up shit and I definitely would not want to be in her situation. But if anyone can get it all fixed for her, it would be Ice and the club.

  Emma and I are talking over coffee in the kitchen when we hear a lot of commotion in the common area of the clubhouse: doors banging and lots of yelling. When we step into the doorway from the kitchen, we see that Ice, Rebel, and Ryder have returned, and not one of them is looking very happy. They walk in and head straight for Ice's office. He's barking orders as he comes through, and the last thing we hear is, "Church! Now!" Emma looks over at me. She can see the worry on my face; we both know that something bad has happened.

  "What do you think is going on?" she asks.

  I shake my head and say, "My guess is that their meeting with Skeeter didn't go very well. Ice does not hide his emotions very well when he is pissed off."

  "What do you think happened?"

  She's worried. Hell, we both are. Without answering her, I turn to go back to the kitchen and Emma follows. I stop by the sink and turn to face her, saying, "Hell if I know, Emma. These boys try to do good, but they always seem to get themselves caught up in some shit. It could be anything."

  "Maybe we should go find out," Emma says.

  "No!" I yell. "Women aren't allowed. We do not participate in their meetings and we definitely are not privy to what they do, even old ladies. The quicker you learn and accept that, the easier things will be for you."

  Emma and I finish up in the kitchen and head out into the common area. I begin to work around the bar, getting it ready for tonight. Emma offers to help and I
agree. She is really growing on me. Just as we finish, the guys emerge from their meeting and head directly to the bar. When I see them coming, I proceed to get their shot glasses out and start pouring beers. When they get to the bar, the first thing they do is down their drinks.

  Ice leans over the bar, kisses Emma's cheek, and says in her ear loud enough for me to hear, "We need to talk."

  "Ok," she replies sheepishly. She gives me a wary look and then follows Ice to his office.

  Later that night, Emma clues me in to everything that has been going on. Apparently, her life is in danger and Ice is sending her away. It's probably the best thing for her. I know she's scared, but Ice is right. The further away from here she is, the less he has to worry about her. He won't be able to function like he's needed to if he is constantly worrying about her safety.

  The next morning, Emma and Ice come downstairs and Ice is carrying her bag. She must be leaving today. I wonder, Is he going with her? But when I see Ice talking to Rebel, I realize that he is not. Rebel is taking her. She doesn't look happy, which I completely understand.

  After Rebel and Emma leave, Ice goes into his office and stays in there for several hours. I almost go check on him several times, but each time, I think better of it. I know if he needs something he'd ask. I just feel so helpless; I wish that there were something I could do to help him.

  I should have remembered the old saying “Be careful what you wish for.” Three days later, Hawk tells me that Ice wants to see me in his office. I've kept to myself, and I've even been nice to Emma, so I know for a fact that I haven't done anything wrong. But still, I'm curious. It's very rare that he asks to see me in this capacity.

  I walk over to his office and step in the doorway. Lightly knocking on the open door, I say, "Hawk said you needed to see me, Ice?"

  "Yeah, why don't you have a seat?" he replies. I sit down and look up at him, concerned. He says, "Honey, you've been a part of this club now for many years. You've been loyal to the club and that has not gone unnoticed. You are an asset to this club and every brother loves you. You have cleaned up our bloody messes, our drunken brawls, and have made sure we have decent meals to eat."